Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 And despite the 300+ posts, be praised, we have found you the solution. Two homes, one for 50+ and one for your, next door or as far apart as he dictates. Terrific idea. Everyone happy. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 What IS wrong with us all? Lol. Why didn't we think of that brilliant solution immediately on reading the OP's first post. It also may come as a surprise that the majority of people do live in harmony under the same roof, and that the majority of relationships are not "screwed up". No one is perfect, for sure, but most people do have a good grasp on reality. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Yeh, Naomi, some women. You are doing the best you can. It isn't easy. I often wonder why people are so averse to healthy relationships....... Because being a in relationship is hard work. It means you can't do whatever you want, when you want. You can't meet new lovers or come home whenever. You have to take care of your SO when they are sick. It is work. Some people just want the vagina on a stick. Naomi, I'm really glad you had the talk with him, and now that you know he doesn't want a relationship, you can move on. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 You said it, Annie, you said it! It is what is says on the tin. A relationship, a partnership, bad days, good days, sickness, bumps in the road, and it takes a mature mind to take on something like that. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 Starting to feel overwhelmed and sad. I still haven't responded to his text and I don't like being mean just because something isn't turning out in my favor. Link to comment
Helpexpressme Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I think you should make yourself a hot drink and go and watch a good movie. Just relax for the evening. You don't always have to answer his texts, especially if it was not in question format. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Starting to feel overwhelmed and sad. I still haven't responded to his text and I don't like being mean just because something isn't turning out in my favor. I don't think you're being mean -- you're just looking out for yourself. There's nothing wrong with that. I think maybe you need to take a bit more time to be sure of what you want before you respond to him. If you respond now, it's likely you'll fall into the trap of going to him and being with him even though you know he's not offering what you want. He's flat-out told you that he doesn't want a relationship. You DO, and you know in your heart that sticking with him, in the long run, you'll be unhappy. Whatever you do, PLEASE don't talk yourself into seeing him and being "OK" with being casual when you really aren't. I did that with my ex, for a time, and it was the WORST feeling ever -- far more lonely and sad than being without him, for sure. Check out the quote in my signature line; I think it applies to your situation. The reason I have it there (and put it there YEARS ago), is that I spent a lot of time deciding against myself by convincing myself that I was OK with things I wasn't OK with -- things that were actually causing damage to my emotional well-being. After you've had a bit of space, you might text him back and just tell him that, at this point, you can't continue with him, and that you just need some time and space from him. It's not mean; it's self-preservation. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Hesitancy?? Hey, because of this board, I: 1. Initiated a date. 2. Got the balls to have "the talk." 3. Didn't return his text from this a.m. All that in 10 days. Some women take 10 years before they make a change, sadly. Give me credit, dammit! I give you credit! Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 I think you should make yourself a hot drink and go and watch a good movie. Just relax for the evening. You don't always have to answer his texts, especially if it was not in question format. He asked how I was earlier in the day and I didn't respond. That is plain mean and vindictive and NOT something I would do. Just because he doesn't want a relationship doesn't mean I go around dodging texts like a crybaby. I responded a few moments ago and he replied promptly… Thank you, Helpexpressme. I will watch a movie, but I'm going to eat a candy bar instead of a drink. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Although I did break up with him back in Feb. He kept texting this crap, "can you please come over still and visit, just as friends? Can't we watch movies together still? As friends? Let's cuddle. I won't let anything happen." I thought about it for a week and said okay. There are other issues why I said okay and one of them has to do with I thought he might pass away. Do not ask me to go into details about that, but anyway, yes, he did try to manipulate me into seeing him and I fell for it.wow, guess I was off on my guess then. Or... Since this a different time then that time, who knows until you end it this time. One thing you've learned is you can't be friends with him when you do stop the intimacy. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Thank you for the nice words. This all happened many years ago. He actually got back in touch with me recently (ran into him at yet another event after about 12 years) and he, you guessed it, suggested "hanging out". So we did, twice. Ironically, I'm the one who decided to not bother anymore. I now find him annoying and insufferable! Funny how things work out. 12 years ago I would've given my right arm for another chance and now I have the chance to date him again and I don't want him! Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 "At 8 months out, I'd expect we'd have keys to each other's places by now." You said. Dr. WHO is having the time of his life. Never mind the keys to his place, never a chance of the key to his heart and mind either. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 You did respond tho his text and he in return responded. Can you share what was said? Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 He said he fell asleep straight away, how was I. I said great. Then I sent him a link to a place I used to live where the asking price was nearly 2x more than what I paid, to which he responded some profanities. That was it. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 Thank you for the nice words. This all happened many years ago. He actually got back in touch with me recently (ran into him at yet another event after about 12 years) and he, you guessed it, suggested "hanging out". So we did, twice. Ironically, I'm the one who decided to not bother anymore. I now find him annoying and insufferable! Funny how things work out. 12 years ago I would've given my right arm for another chance and now I have the chance to date him again and I don't want him! I bet you he really did love you but was too prideful to admit it. If you find him annoying and insufferable, yet HE STILL wants to date you, you've probably grown as a person and he stayed the same or got worse. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 OMG I can't stop laughing! Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I bet you he really did love you but was too prideful to admit it. If you find him annoying and insufferable, yet HE STILL wants to date you, you've probably grown as a person and he stayed the same or got worse. I actually don't think he ever loved me. He's not in a great place in his life right now (although he wasn't when I was dating him, I just had lower standards back then). He's not working, living in a shared home with several family members, went through what I gather was a very difficult divorce, isn't being granted access to his kids, and spent several years in prison only to find most employers won't hire an ex con. So, I think he saw me and remembered how I used to worship him and figured I still felt the same, so he thought he could get some comfort from me. I have a hard time feeling sorry for him when most of his issues are self-inflicted and the result of poor choices including thinking it was OK to "party" using hard illegal drugs and stealing to support his drug habit. Heck, he even stole from me back in the day! I'm a realist who doesn't romanticize anything, so I will never try to convince myself that anything he did with regard to me was done out of "love". I think he likes me fine and doesn't mind "hanging out" with me, but that's it. If he "loved" me he would have continued to pursue after our last "hang out", yet I haven't heard from him since I walked out of his house after refusing to spend the night. And I do NOT love him...not one speck left of the extreme infatuation I had with him. I'm curious what will happen next time your guy suggests "hanging out" (and really, that's a huge clue about his lack of feelings...most men in love will ask to see you, not suggest "hanging out"! I "hang out" with platonic friends, not boyfriends!) Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 Wow. I guess it doesn't matter if they're an ex-con laden with kids or a well-seasoned childless doctor. Commitmentphobia knows no boundaries. Aren't you secretly glad that he never did love you then, with that tremendous amount of baggage? I don't know when I will next see him...or if I ever will agree to again. I have a lot of options, but I'm waiting for emotions to settle and logic to take over before I make a decision. I'm not going to lie. I do miss him. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 "Commitmentphobia knows no boundaries. " It is what it is, Naomi. It doesn't make this man Dr. Who, a bad person. He did lay it on the line for you and told you how he was. He did not lead you on, promising marriage/long-term relationship, anything. There are happy loners like that in the world. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 You remember the guy I described in an earlier post who was a clone of Dr. Who? He said he was incapable of loving anyone. I asked him if he said this straight to any women who were interested in him. He said he did, and he did not "lead them on". But, as he remarked, they don't want to hear it, they don't want to know. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I don't think the guy I dated was a "commitment-phobe" or he never would have married. He also had two long-term live in relationships prior to me. His wife was one of those prior relationships with whom he reconciled and married and had children with. So that doesn't spell "commitment-phobe" to me. He just plain did not love ME. It's difficult to accept that a man who you give your entire being to doesn't love you, even though he accepts all you have to give. They warn you ahead of time, so it's "on you" if you choose to continue. We love these men, so we don't want to lose that connection...but what we have to realize is, it was never there to begin with. At least, it wasn't for him. What we have to decide is whether or not we want to continue to give this man our heart and soul knowing he does not and will not ever feel the same. I chose not to, because that brick wall I was banging my head against was hard and it hurt. Amazing how your head stops hurting once you move it away from that brick wall and after the injuries you self-inflicted on it heal. It's important to remember that spending more time with this man is not the cure for the pain, but the source of it. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 I married a commitmentphobe - said marriage didn't work, the relationship went on for years. He proposed as a total shock to me, and wanted to get married quickly. Not in two weeks, but too soon to really plan what I would have wanted (not expensive plans - actually quite frugal - but to give some important family enough notice, as some key family had to travel far, etc.) But then he spent almost the entire marriage except the first 6 months trying to get rid of me. Why he even married me , then tried to ditch me, that is a story for another day. So commitmentphobes do sometimes marry - they try it on for size and then it just doesn't stick or commit minimally in the marriage. Link to comment
Helpexpressme Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 So Naomi..... Are you seeing "him" this weekend? Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 So Naomi..... Are you seeing "him" this weekend? No plans to. Although I am dying to text him "Same sex marriage now legal! It's safe for you to come out of the closet now." Link to comment
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