Naomi99 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 I predict a maneuver from him. Some veil display of emotion to get her to return. Unfortunately it will be returning to the same dynamic. It won't feel that way in the beginning and be careful to read what he says correctly. But I don't think he is going to just go away quietly. I HIGHLY doubt this!! This is a man who told me to go date other men if I want a more serious boyfriend only minutes after doing horizontal hokey-pokey! That is not a sign of a man who fights for a woman he wants, sadly. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Well, he won't "go away" at all unless Op actually ends it. When she does end it, personally I don't think he'll try any maneuver or tactic but will simply get on with finding someone new to replace her while he processes her no longer being in his life. However; I think he'll gladly have her over again if she were to call him and ask to get together. There is Always a woman who will accommodate (for a period of time) and if he's a charmer, a doctor, a confident pursuer then he'll just move on. I think men like him always leave it up to the ladies to decide if they want to continue on or not. My "guess" anyway. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 I think men like him always leave it up to the ladies to decide if they want to continue on or not. My "guess" anyway. Although I did break up with him back in Feb. He kept texting this crap, "can you please come over still and visit, just as friends? Can't we watch movies together still? As friends? Let's cuddle. I won't let anything happen." I thought about it for a week and said okay. There are other issues why I said okay and one of them has to do with I thought he might pass away. Do not ask me to go into details about that, but anyway, yes, he did try to manipulate me into seeing him and I fell for it. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 I'll put my next paycheck on him trying to get you to come back if you do end it. I had decided to end things with my ex whom I mentioned before, because I loved him and he "liked" me. It was too painful to spend time with him and sleep with him knowing he would never love me. About 2 months later I saw him at an event. Long story short, he asked me to come over and spend the night. I said fine. Then he asked again a couple of weeks later. This turned into an every weekend thing. So there we were, back where we had been before. I was secretly thrilled, sure he did this because he found he did miss and love me. Anyway...about eight months (!) later, I had "the talk" with him again. And guess what he did? He referred me to our original conversation of nearly a year earlier! He again mentioned me being "convenient" and that he would not tell me to stay away, but that it was my choice. But...he didn't love me and was sure at this point he never would. So, like your guy, he enjoyed the drama-free "kitty", the things and food I'd bring him and the companionship. But he didn't ask me to come back out of love...it was out of "convenience", for HIM. And he didn't even factor my feelings into the situation. He said I knew what I was getting into and if I was hurt, that was on me because he'd been honest and up front. Just something to think about, because I am absolutely sure he'll call you to "hang out as 'friends'". And of course, you'd end up having sex and getting attached all over again. Link to comment
journeynow Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 He actually said one time that in the very unlikely event he were to marry someone, the arrangement would have to be that she live in one apartment/house and he in another, as in next door. For some, that is a great arrangement. His and Her housing, still with love and commitment. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 And if you think about it, even though the OP is younger than him, she is, in a sense, providing "mommy" comforts. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 For some, that is a great arrangement. His and Her housing, still with love and commitment. Helena Bonham Carter and Ed Burton have this arrangement. I personally think it's glorious. With an underground tunnel connecting the two houses when we want to spend time together. That way, no one to dirty up my kitchen or leave pee drips on my toilet. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 "" Anyway...about eight months (!) later, I had "the talk" with him again. And guess what he did? He referred me to our original conversation of nearly a year earlier! He again mentioned me being "convenient" and that he would not tell me to stay away, but that it was my choice. But...he didn't love me and was sure at this point he never would."" Ouch boltnrun! This is a great example of why it's important to make exactly sure as to what it is you are actually agreeing to. When they return we might assume it's because they are agreeing to our terms. When we return they may assume we have agreed to their terms. In reality nothings changed. Valuable lesson! Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Helena Bonham Carter and Ed Burton have this arrangement. I personally think it's glorious. With an underground tunnel connecting the two houses when we want to spend time together. That way, no one to dirty up my kitchen or leave pee drips on my toilet. sign me up! lol Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Good for them! Well, if that is what you want, Naomi, you have found your man. Put that proposition to him. He may well accept. I can't imagine anything worse...... Link to comment
journeynow Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 This will now be a mutually agreed to, casual sexual relationship wherein she calls her own shots now that she knows where things stand through his very candid words to her. I agree. I haven't caught up with all the feedback, but I'm surprised at how hard folks are being on Naomi. Advice is advice, and the receiver can take it in, process it, and use it as fits THEM. NO one needs to do something because others tell them to, it needs to be HER experience, HER decision, HER process. Sure, it may not appear to be the easiest way, and in the long run she may make the same choices others recommend, but let her figure out what works for her. We don't know what really is going on at a deeper level, but for Naomi99 self-knowledge and understanding might be more important than what we think or say. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Journey. No one, that I can see, is being hard on the OP. She asked for advice, and she is getting it, good, hard-headed advice by those not entangled in the situation. We have tired of repeating that it is her decision. And no, we are not mind-readers, we can only go by what the OP is telling us. That is all we've got. We don't even know what country she is in! Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 In her first post the OP said: "I'm having trouble determining where I stand or how to enforce something more solid than status quo. " (Leave or stay?) We are asked, and we reply to best of ability with the limited amount of information we have. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 Sweetie, I am sooo sorry this happened to you, and I'm thankful that you're able to post it here to share your experience with me. It sounds like you and your ex were much more involved than me and doc. He actually spent quality time with you, meeting your friends/family. So i can see how much more hurtful that would be, because you've got way more invested than I have. I think this is why it's so important to let your yes means yes and your no mean no. Otherwise you're just crying wolf and they know this and will manipulate you. This is why I didn't officially end it yesterday, because once I end it, it's going to be permanent. I'm not going to be hasty with my heart. This only just happened last night. He needs to know I say what I mean because I don't want this back-and-forth getting back together nonsense. Link to comment
journeynow Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 On what planet, Journey! L. There was a thread about it here on eNA awhile back, with some examples of couples past and present who've done it, apparently quite successfully. I don't think it is a crazy idea at all for 2 people, at least when not raising children. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Well, Naomi, that's a real comfort to know. It's late over here, so logging off. I wonder would be we be able to get a book together out of these 300 plus posts, along the lines of "50 Shades of Hesitancy". LOL Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 That is all we've got. We don't even know what country she is in! US of A!! What difference does it make? Relationships are pretty much universally screwed up wherever you are. hahaha! Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Cultures tend to differ, Naomi. They do. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 Well, Naomi, that's a real comfort to know. It's late over here, so logging off. I wonder would be we be able to get a book together out of these 300 plus posts, along the lines of "50 Shades of Hesitancy". LOL Hesitancy?? Hey, because of this board, I: 1. Initiated a date. 2. Got the balls to have "the talk." 3. Didn't return his text from this a.m. All that in 10 days. Some women take 10 years before they make a change, sadly. Give me credit, dammit! Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Jounrey. If BOTH want to do it, see the spouse once in a blue moon, no affect, no nothing, no attachment, then why not. And also, why bother, I ask.... Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Yeh, Naomi, some women. You are doing the best you can. It isn't easy. I often wonder why people are so averse to healthy relationships....... Link to comment
journeynow Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Jounrey. If BOTH want to do it, see the spouse once in a blue moon, no affect, no nothing, no attachment, then why not. And also, why bother, I ask.... They're next door, so can see each other as often as if they lived in the same house. For one who's a slob loving one who's tidy it could eliminate conflict, for example. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Dear God! Obviously it IS getting late. Builders and developers would love it. Every married couple in the world, each spouse in his or her own place. What next!!!! Who would want to marry/enter a partenrship with a slob. But that's for another day..... Any excuse will do I suppose to labour a point. Link to comment
journeynow Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Here's the thread about close but separate housing: I started it! Totally forgot that. I don't mean to hijack Naomi's thread, though. Maybe it fits the theme, in a way? Link to comment
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