Naomi99 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 I'm here! I read some of the posts but had to read on iPhone! I finally have a chance to relax. Let me go over them again. XOXOXOX Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 I thought she had a couple of times? And he ended up not sleeping, tossing and turning, etc, and subsequently doesn't stay again? This is correct. One time he said he was going to sleep in the guest room and I said uh, it's okay. I'll go home. (Again, I'd rather be inconvenienced that have someone else inconvenienced. Now I see I should have accepted.) Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Naomi, So you are "dating" a hot fifties doctor type that has a good life but doesn't seem to completely commit to anyone. If you were him what would you want? A younger beautiful gf that doesn't want to get to serious and is willing to have a semi casual relationship over a long period of time perhaps? I can see how he probably likes things just the way they are and doesn't want it to change. Is he using you? I would say no but I think he is hoping you are happy to keep things the way they are. I don't see this going any deeper than it already has. I am sorry Lost Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 Okay - Naomi - you responded to his texts but kept it upbeat - did you ask to meet as a result of that? Are you ready to take the bull by the horns? We were supposed to see each other tomorrow but I can't until very late, so he said when things settle we'll hang out. When I talked to him on the phone, he seems like a friend, not a lover or a bf. Makes me very wary. We haven't seen each other for over a week and no "I miss you" or sweetness from either of us. I am always ready to take the bull by the horns when I'm sitting here reading these posts. It's when I'm in front of him, I get silly in his presence and can't do it. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 We were supposed to see each other tomorrow but I can't until very late, so he said when things settle we'll hang out. When I talked to him on the phone, he seems like a friend, not a lover or a bf. Makes me very wary. We haven't seen each other for over a week and no "I miss you" or sweetness from either of us. I am always ready to take the bull by the horns when I'm sitting here reading these posts. It's when I'm in front of him, I get silly in his presence and can't do it. Why not read all of these posts, and with the fire in you, call him up and ask to meet? The reciprocation may shock him. Then lay it all out. Maybe even make yourself a note with key points to remember. But remember - after this - you explore your own commitment issues and work through things so you can move forward and attract someone who can give you more. ironic that you rejected the guy who really wanted to give you more (though the three divorces were really dubious). You did your part to create this, now you have got to rock your world to move out of this mode. Link to comment
notalady Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 You don't even have to talk about it in person. Even just on the phone. So you both can't use "too busy to meet" as an excuse to procrastinate the talk. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 You don't even have to talk about it in person. Even just on the phone. So you both can't use "too busy to meet" as an excuse to procrastinate the talk. That is not a conversation I would have on the phone. You want to see his face and note his body language when you're talking to him. Me? I'd have it after a nice bout of non-committed sex. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Give it your best shot, Naomi. At least you may gain some clarity. I expect that subconsciously you are slightly apprehensive of what he will say. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 You don't even have to talk about it in person. Even just on the phone. So you both can't use "too busy to meet" as an excuse to procrastinate the talk. NO WAY will I do this over the phone! I need to see his reaction. He has very expressive eyes. And he gets nervous, he flubbers. Also I'm not procrastinating. I genuinely am busy. Been getting four hours of sleep for the past few days. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 Give it your best shot, Naomi. At least you may gain some clarity. I expect that subconsciously you are slightly apprehensive of what he will say. "Slightly"??? Try tremendously! I've never told a guy how I felt in my life. They've always been the one to tell me first. Now I know what it feels like to be in the guy's shoes. My gut feeling is he doesn't like me this way, and I'll have made a fool of myself. Ugh Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 That is not a conversation I would have on the phone. You want to see his face and note his body language when you're talking to him. Me? I'd have it after a nice bout of non-committed sex. OMG I just said that! Would you really have it after sex? I was thinking before sex, because if he really wants to bang, and he knows if he says no, let's stay friends, he might not get any except a door slammed in his face… (kidding about the door part.) Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Naomi. I read it that this man is a loner, as in a "happy loner" as distinguished from what is called an "involuntary loner". Often peculiar connotations are attached to that word "loner". Big difference between the two types. There are people who are built like that. It has been known that some do marry (probably a lot earlier in age than your BF). A friend of mine is married to one, for decades. She herself recognises that he is a "loner". He is a kind man, quite pleasant to people, as loners are quite adept socially. But there it is. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I'll take the opposite view here Naomi, and go for the conversation cold. Sitting comfortably beside or opposite each other. Be prepared for the fact that the conversation will not be straightforward, and he will slide around with his answers, being a nice sort of person he may not wish to be direct (as in perceivedly hurtful in his reply). Ask him, if possible, what is his "big picture" view of relationships and marriage. "Your a nice guy, how is it that some girl hasn't snapped you up long before now"......see what I mean Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 Naomi, So you are "dating" a hot fifties doctor type that has a good life but doesn't seem to completely commit to anyone. If you were him what would you want? A younger beautiful gf that doesn't want to get to serious and is willing to have a semi casual relationship over a long period of time perhaps? I can see how he probably likes things just the way they are and doesn't want it to change. Is he using you? I would say no but I think he is hoping you are happy to keep things the way they are. I don't see this going any deeper than it already has. I am sorry Lost I love this post. So simple yet spot on. If I end it, he'll have to do all the legwork again to find a woman who is/was as tolerant (dumb?) as I, who he finds attractive, with a decent personality, who caters to his fickleness. I know it can be done but I also know he's slowing down and doesn't have the energy he once had to be bee-bopping around town meeting women. (there are issues that I do not want to mention on public forum) Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Who said anything about "ending"? He may decide he cannot bear to lose you and you are the woman of his life..... People are full of surprises, I tell you! Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I'm getting an identikit picture here, Naomi, bit by bit, of this man. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 So it is time to put up or shut up it would seem. I always try to remind others (and myself) that if you ask the question or not the answer is always the same. Being afraid of the answer is human nature because we as humans do not like hurt and loss. Be brave and ask him. At this point there seems to be no other way. If this ends I would imagine you wouldn't have much trouble meeting someone new pretty easily and hopefully someone that is interested in more than just a casual thing. I have hesitated to mention this but it seems like he views what you have as more of a FWB from what you have described. You can do so much better Lost Link to comment
journeynow Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 My gut feeling is he doesn't like me this way, and I'll have made a fool of myself. Ugh There's nothing foolish about asking where things stand and where he sees the relationship going. Reading minds is hard! You're just getting information, nothing foolish there at all! Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 I'm getting an identikit picture here, Naomi, bit by bit, of this man. Really?? What do you see? Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 Lost, I agree he might view me as FWB but he's old and distinguished (kinda snobby) so he would never use a term like FWB or FB. He makes up his own definition and does what he pleases. Sometimes we have multiple dates in a row without sex. Companionship? I might be able to do a lot better but I also feel attached to him to explore that possibility. Th The other guy that was interested in me was twice divorced. Not thrice. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I've never told a guy how I felt in my life. h I think the above is the big crux of the matter. Telling someone how you feel about different things as they come up mean that you don't hardly ever have to have a big scary "TALK" that you dread. If you do tell someone how you feel, it will be a new era of Naomi - a whole new you. And it also reinforces what I felt before - that you sort of go along for the ride in relationships at times and accept whatever lead the guy takes - which works until you meet someone who is trying to MATCH your pace - a pace that doesn't exist. I think that anything you say - even if you can't manage to get it all out - is a victory! One small step is a giant leap. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 OMG I just said that! Would you really have it after sex? I was thinking before sex, because if he really wants to bang, and he knows if he says no, let's stay friends, he might not get any except a door slammed in his face… (kidding about the door part.) Yes... I would really have it after sex when we were cuddling. He does cuddle, right? OMG if he doesn't. Anyway, yes then because then it's just a matter of fact. "Heh! What's going on with us anyway?" Are we ever going to meet each other's friends and do some couples stuff together? "What do you think?" Said matter of factly and simply out of curiosity, no stress intro into finding out a little bit more about where his head (and more importantly) his heart is. Ya see? Adding: I also agree with "abitbroken" in that you really need to hone your communication skills so that you stop letting things fester and address them as they come up. There's no point (as mentioned earlier) being afraid to rock a boat that's just floating along without direction. You don't have to end it if you don't want to should you find out that he's not wanting anything other then what he's currently giving but if it turns out that way, at least you'll have some oars to guide your boat which will allow you to adjust your emotions and learn to accept it is what it is as you continue to date and hopefully then be more open to who you're meeting. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Was looking at your OP again Naomi. You say he is sweet and affectionate, and there is zero drama. (btw heh heh 50+ is definitely not old!). So if he is sweet, affectionate and averse to drama it should not be too difficult to ask him straight and see what he says. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Yes... I would really have it after sex when we were cuddling. He does cuddle, right? OMG if he doesn't. Anyway, yes then because then it's just a matter of fact. "Heh! What's going on with us anyway?" Are we ever going to meet each other's friends and do some couples stuff together? "What do you think?" Said matter of factly and simply out of curiosity, no stress intro into finding out a little bit more about where his head (and more importantly) his heart is. Ya see? I might caution against having that conversation right after sex and cuddling because then he's kind of trapped into giving the "correct" answer. I would maybe ask him at a less emotionally charged time, when he can just be honest with you. Maybe during a random dinner, not like a holiday or a birthday or before an important event. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I might caution against having that conversation right after sex and cuddling because then he's kind of trapped into giving the "correct" answer. I would maybe ask him at a less emotionally charged time, when he can just be honest with you. Maybe during a random dinner, not like a holiday or a birthday or before an important event. He's not "trapped" into anything. She will soon see by his actions if he means what he tells her. It's up to Naomi to be congnizant to the fact that words without actions to back them up are simply just words. So If he says "sure lets do something to include you in a get together I'm having next" and that invitation never materializes or she invites him to join her and his friends and he balks, makes excuses etc and the meet never happens then she'll clearly see that he's full of it and that will give her even more fuel to get herself away from a situation that is not satisfactory for her. BTW: Naomi. Over a dinner or whatever and wherever is still a time that he can give you a "correct" answer. It's his actions and the follow up to his words that you must pay attention to. Actions, always the actions. Link to comment
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