Striker0602 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 Hi, Ok, so Im 29 and have been dating a 28 y/o woman for 11 months. It has been rocky for the past 6 weeks or so, ups and downs weekly. We had a really solid relationship before that, you know, talking about the future, kids, family, house. The usual, then she started saying she was having some doubts. This was not what I expected but, I know that she really cared about me so I told her that we can work on it together. She never did that, instead she just stopped talking about it, ever, until about a month ago when she decided, teary eyed and crying, we needed to break up. I saw it coming, i even showed up to her house with tissue. We talked for quite awhile, and just like every other time we disagreed, we both felt good about things afterward. She never seems to bring anything up until its REALLY bothering her. So we continued together, about a week of things being great, and then i noticed her starting to "seem off." I didnt wanna press her to hard, or come off super insecure, but i know her really well and she was "off." She told me she still wasnt sure of things, and I told her that it was ok, she doesnt need to be where im at for us to be together, there doesnt NEED to be such pressure for the big longterm forever kind of relationship yet, it hasnt even been a year, and that I am in no hurry to get to that point. She agreed, and then the next week we made plans to go away for 3 days in vegas. We went, and it was AWESOME, we had a phenomenal time, walking the strip holding hands, laughing talking, seeing the sights just plain being ourselves people watching and having fun. We came back last sunday, and the day was TOTALLY normal, we even went grocery shopping and stopped off at her parents house to tell them how things went, she seemed just as excited as me. When we got back to her place, we hung around for awhile, and then I remembered were back and have things to deal with so, before I planned on leaving, I asked her if, after such an amazing trip, she was feeling any better. She said she really didnt wanna talk about it, I did not either, but I wanted to know where things stood before I left, not have some big long talk. So I asked again and she said she didnt know. I assumed that she just said that to get me not to talk about it, but she really didnt know. SO we talked for a few hours, she was crying a lot and saying it was because everything she said she wanted she really does but she feels like somethings in the way/something is missing that she cant get past. She said she does not want to break up, and she wants me around, but that she doesnt know if it will work. Which to me, thats doubts, and its ok to have them at this point. She did have a 5 year relationship previously with a total who diminished her and did not hold her opinion highly, nor care about her feelings or her needs, so I assume thats what was holding her back. However, after a long long talk, I decided she needed to evaluate things objectively, and I broke up with her. She knows FULLY how little I actually wanted to break up with her. I love her very much, and I am very sad that I hurt her feelings. I have never made someone cry so hard. However, even through all the crying, she knew she needed to deal with this problem, as she is quite good at putting things off. I told her that we have serious potential, and that I want us to find out how far that can go, but that she needs to relax, figure this out, and decide what she wants to do. She agreed, and through a long series of hugs and crying, she finally let me leave her home. It has been a week. I talked to her 4 days ago, because I actually wasnt taking it so well, and she told me shes working on it and that she understands how hard it is for both of us, but knows she has work to do. I told her I wanted us to keep in touch a big and she told me that shes not giving up on this or putting it off but that some time and space would be a good thing. She knows exactly where I am at, but I have not heard from her since this last conversation. I realize that a week is not some kind of record or anything, but I am losing it. I have had quite a few relationships, many of which were long and heartbreaking at the end. However, this time i cant seem to get her out of my head. I work full time, go to the gym 4 days a week (more this week) and have kept myself busy with every hobby ive had since i was 15, but still cant seem to get her out! I keep wondering if shes even worried about this or if I have made a mistake in ending it prematurely. I mean i know i did the right thing, if were going to go anywhere serious she needs to figure this out, and I am fully aware that time and space is an important part of that. I dont contact her even when i want to, and havent done anything else to "Fix it." I realized long ago that my actions do nothing when it comes to this type of thing. I am trying to prepare myself for the worst, but I cant seem to treat this as the potential end that it could be, and I dont want to start looking for anyone else yet. Im wondering if anyone else has anything encouraging to tell me. I dont only mean getting back together but also if you didnt, how youre doing now? Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dotaco Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 She sounds a bit insecure. Do you know what might have triggered her doubts after 11 months? Or do you think those doubts were always there? Given that she acted totally normal on your trip to Vegas, and then coming back she acted the same way as before, it's not hard to imagine that she has a talent to keep things inside, hidden, like you said. Not sure about how she could sort out things by being alone, and it sounded like that if you did not push her after your trip, you would not have broken up...? So if she is willing, you might want to try continuing where you were after Vegas - you know, not talking about it, but making sure she knows that you are open to a talk when she is ready. People's mind have a tendency to go to dark places if they think alone a lot... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Striker0602 Posted June 6, 2015 Author Share Posted June 6, 2015 She is a bit insecure, shes not one to really let anyone in, she mostly just had me and her family, she has friends but no one close. I have no idea what could have triggered any doubts, other than the fact that we were moving forward and things were starting to get to a very serious point. If i didnt push her after the trip, no we wouldnt be broken up, however with all the ups and downs and then her putting things off... I cant think of a better way to get things to improve for us, together or apart. I mean yeah, we could be together still, but if shes doubting and we kept having these ups and downs each week, what chance is there of that working out? She already knew i was open to talking, as I still am now. I plan on contacting her after awhile, if i dont hear from her first, but she thought the time and space would help, which is the first thing shes ever suggested to work on the situation. Before I go an try to mend things I want to give her a chance to see what her life is like without me, we really had a good thing going, so it should be an easy choice for her. If it isnt, well, i can chalk up another mistake to learn from and spend the next 6-8 weeks getting over this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dotaco Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 Sounds like a plan to me You probably had the chance to let he know and accommodate her during your long talks, so at this point I am not sure what else you could do. You might not be supposed to do anything at all now - investing way more into a relationship than the other party can be damaging too... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Striker0602 Posted June 6, 2015 Author Share Posted June 6, 2015 Waiting sucks, but it is probably the move til next week id guess. During our last long talk, yeah I let her know exactly where I was coming from and she is COMPLETELY aware of where I want this to go, so it's not a traditional break up where one person doesn't want it anymore, maybe it could be called like an extended break, with like a breakup option. Maybe thats why i cant just let it go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetfemme90 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 She appears to struggle with communication and is holding back information from you. You said she has doubts about the future of the relationship- did she name those doubts? Are her doubts about the relationship or are they just 'societal influences'? Is past cheating part of the relationship? Or are her parents divorced, or does she notice a lot of relationships that end after years of marriage? As you can see the first example I provided has to do with the actual relationship between the two of your, where the second example the doubts come from the ethos of our times that pertain to relationships. The cheating example mind you was just an example I came up with to demonstrate my point. I would reflect on some of this. It appears you have excellent communication skills, which experts cite as being one of the top relationship success predictors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Striker0602 Posted June 6, 2015 Author Share Posted June 6, 2015 Communication has been our biggest hurdle, I do it well, she struggles. She did not name the doubts, she literally said, "something feels missing and I cant figure it out." However, the only relationship shes ever had is the 5 year long one with the guy who couldnt have cared less if she had a problem anyway. It was her first. Her parents are 30 years married, as are mine. We both have careers and are marginally successful, I have a daughter, but shes only ever expresses excitement about meeting her (She lives far away with her mom and visits). Cheating is no issue, neither of us has ever done it though she suspects shes been cheated on before, and I actually have been cheated on twice, but not by her, I feel like its even silly to think shed do that. I feel that her doubts are probably relationship oriented, rather than societally based, were both very much on the same page on our thoughts about society. Like I said, we have a lot of potential, but I feel that this needs to be solved for me to continue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dotaco Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 Weird, for me, the girl in question carries some familiarity - but anyway. Sometimes it happens that what people miss is the drama. You have been together 11 months, all was going well, might be too well...? People get bored after a while, some sooner, some later. On the other hand, if her issues are real, and there is something to be solved, then go for it - but ask yourself: if the time comes, and you'll have a problem, will she help you the same way you helped her, or will you be completely on your own? Won't it be you who always carries the heavy stuff in your relationship? It is 'fun' to solve problems, be accommodating, be a hero, if you are good at this kind of stuff - until you yourself hit a wall. I know that this is not helping now, but it is an important question if you think long term. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 Just as it makes no sense to stay in a relationship when one person isn't feeling it, it also makes no sense to break up and hover in wait for them to start feeling it. You can't manipulate someone into feeling what you want them to feel. I'd quit the contact--she knows how to reach you if she ever has some great epiphany. I'd focus instead on grieving, healing and cultivating my own life without her. If she ever wants to meet you on higher ground, you'll both need to go there on your own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Striker0602 Posted June 7, 2015 Author Share Posted June 7, 2015 We are talking tonight. By my insistence. It makes no sense for me to sit around with no idea if its going to change like this, and since im not ready to walk away Im hoping to get clarification and see what the last week for her has been like. You are right, i should go out and continue my life unimpeded, im just not there yet. Depending on tonight, it could be over, or it could be better, but she seems quite worried she will be as devastated as she was last week. I dont see why, I have no desire to go anywhere without her, I am just hoping shes not already made a decision without me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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