He asked me to be his girlfriend, but I haven't heard from him in 2 days.

[sk22545]

We are both in our early 30s. Things have been moving very quickly and he asked me to be his girlfriend after knowing each other for only a couple weeks. I realize I probably shouldn't have agreed so quickly, but it just felt right in the moment. I kept in mind that although we had now put a label on things, I would still treat it as the brand-new relationship that it is (in other words, not get too heavily invested and take things day to day).

 

That was last week. The last time we saw each other was on Sunday night, and he seemed preoccupied during dinner. I could tell he wasn't fully involved in the conversation and there were a lot of awkward silences. He did introduce me as his girlfriend to some people we ran into at the restaurant and seemed happy to make that introduction. I asked him if anything was wrong and he mentioned some work related things that were on his mind.

 

I haven't heard from him since then. When we parted ways he said he would "see me this week" so we don't have actual plans. No, I have not tried to contact him. I wanted to wait and see if he could be consistent and keep up communication with me.

 

I think he is probably waiting for me to contact him and make plans, because he has pretty much been doing all the planning and communication up until this point, although that's only been 3 weeks or so. I feel strange about our last date and it's making me think he's not as into me as he thought he was, otherwise I would have heard from him by now. Feeling unsure about what to do next.

[missmarple]

You agreed to be his girlfriend but you don't act like one.

[fruju]

Clearly something is troubling him, so the logical thing is to reach out to him and see what's going on. It sounds like he's putting more energy into this than you are though to be honest and maybe he's hurt about that? The unhealthy thing is you seem to be testing each other's will without communicating and that will not end well.

[sk22545]

Clearly something is troubling him, so the logical thing is to reach out to him and see what's going on. It sounds like he's putting more energy into this than you are though to be honest and maybe he's hurt about that? The unhealthy thing is you seem to be testing each other's will without communicating and that will not end well.

 

I'm being hesitant with the relationship because he has a long history of sleeping with many different women and having "relationships" that last only a few months/weeks. I realize I should have thought of this before I agreed to be his girlfriend...I want to give him a chance but I'm not sure what the best course of action is now. He told me I'm different and he wants to stop fooling around and have something long-term.

[chickadeedee]

I don't think you should have agreed to be his GF so soon. You don't know him well enough to make that commitment to him, as you've discovered. Right now should just be early dating and getting to know each other. I'd back off and just treat him like a casual date until you get know him better.

 

Sometimes guys will ask you to be a GF early on to get you into the sack quicker because they know girls like that 'security' when there is no security at all with someone you hardly know, just a false sense of security.

[JustWishing]

I would reach out to him. Just ask him how his week is going so far and see what he says.

[fruju]

I'm being hesitant with the relationship because he has a long history of sleeping with many different women and having "relationships" that last only a few months/weeks. I realize I should have thought of this before I agreed to be his girlfriend...I want to give him a chance but I'm not sure what the best course of action is now. He told me I'm different and he wants to stop fooling around and have something long-term.

 

I understand your hesitancy, but I would reach out to him and just see how he's doing and try to reconnect. If this is something you really want, then give it the full attention that it deserves, but take things slow most definitely. It seems like you are already projecting that things are destined to fail based on his past, which isn't the best mind set to have, right? We know nothing of his character here, so I'm going to assume that he's really into you and does want to explore a relationship with you. If there are other red flags, then maybe your gut is telling you something and you should listen.

[greta96]

Did you have sex with him? If you did, when? Before or after he asked you to be his girlfriend?

[sk22545]

Did you have sex with him? If you did, when? Before or after he asked you to be his girlfriend?

 

Yes, we started having sex about a week before he asked me to be his girlfriend.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think there are a couple of issues at work here, one of which is that you definitely agreed to be his girlfriend too soon, and particularly given what you know about his history of having a lot of short relationships, sleeping with him very soon.

 

When someone has a history of a lot of brief relationships, that's usually a sign. He may like the "chase" (though his "chase" doesn't seem to last long!) or he make like the "high" of infatuation for the first few weeks or months, but when that wears off, he loses interest. It's hard to say.

 

The question is, do you really want to be his girlfriend? I think that if you do, at this point, you should contact him and try to set up something. His response will be telling. If he seems distant or uninterested, or if he makes vague plans or makes excuses, you'll know where you stand. Or, if he's enthusiastic, you'll know where you stand -- at least at this point. The worst thing that can happen is that he might tell you he doesn't want to be with you, and while that would be disappointing, it's early days still, and you'll be able to move on a lot more quickly than if you had invested months or years into this relationship.

 

Good rule of thumb, though: Don't agree to an exclusive relationship so soon. Be wary of people who try to rush you into committed relationships, engagements, marriage, particularly if you feel something isn't right.

[Hollyj]

I'm being hesitant with the relationship because he has a long history of sleeping with many different women and having "relationships" that last only a few months/weeks. I realize I should have thought of this before I agreed to be his girlfriend...I want to give him a chance but I'm not sure what the best course of action is now. He told me I'm different and he wants to stop fooling around and have something long-term.

 

Why do you think you will be the exception to the rule, especially with someone you know typically fast forwards a relationship, then dumps? Sounds like you're not keying in to some big, red flags.

 

I would also ask why you would get involved with someone like this to begin with?

[greta96]

Yes, we started having sex about a week before he asked me to be his girlfriend.

 

Hmm...then chances are getting sex was not the reason why he asked you to be his girlfriend so quickly.

Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with asking (and agreeing) to become boyfriend/girlfriend so quickly, after all if both parties feel that they want to explore each other exclusively and are not interested in pursuing other people, why not just put a label on it? Wanting to get to know one person at a time is nothing to be ashamed of, on the contrary, this is how dating is in Europe and other parts of the world. It's not about having 10 people in rotation for 2 months, until one gets picked.

 

I say send him a message, or even better, call him, just to say hi and ask how he's been. Don't even say "oh I haven't heard from you and I was wondering what's going on", just ask him about himself and say you wanted to say hello. Maybe he is indeed frustrated with the fact that he's been the only one to initiate contact and is wondering about your feelings for him, maybe he's dealing with stuff at work or with family...could be anything, so you reaching out would reassure him that you do care and are willing to put in an effort into this fresh relationship.

[Hollyj]

Sex does not have to be a part of the equation.

 

My ex fast forwarded with me - were already having sex - and was telling me he was in love within a short period of time. I was the first he had let in since his divorce, four years earlier. Sure! After three months, he realized that he would have to follow through on his words, when I returned his supposed feelings. As soon as he knew he had me, he bailed. I guess I wasn't as attractive, as there was no more chase.

 

These guys are classic commitment phobes. They will repeat the same scenario, over and over.

 

I hope this is not the case for the OP.

[browneyedgirl36]

Sex does not have to be a part of the equation.

 

My ex fast forwarded with me - were already having sex - and was telling me he was in love within a short period of time. After three months, he realized that he would have to follow through on his words, when I returned his supposed feelings. As soon as he knew he had me, he bailed. I guess I wasn't as attractive, as there was no more chase.

 

These guys are classic commitment phobes. They will repeat the same scenario, over and over.

 

I hope this is not the case for the OP.

 

This is why I say be wary of someone who tries to rush a relationship. The whole "labels" thing notwithstanding, grand declarations of love and long-term intentions in the first few weeks or month of dating are often a huge, blaring red flag (with klaxon-level siren accompaniment). I have always been wary of ANY guy who declared any kind of strong feelings for me right away. A few times, I ignored my intuition - or at least put it on the back-burner -- and I lived to regret it. Fortunately, I learned from those experiences, and I don't foresee ever being in that situation again.

[fruju]

There does seem to be a link between guys who rush into relationships being commitment phobes. They get you nice and hooked right up front so they get to experience all the highs and then they bail after the honeymoon is over. Just be wary of this, but why not at least give this guy a chance before we even know what's going on in his head. At least you have the information you need going forward and what to look out for. How he reacts going forward should be very clear if he's up to his same old routine. But do we really need to hang him before he's even committed a crime?

[Hollyj]

There does seem to be a link between guys who rush into relationships being commitment phobes. They get you nice and hooked right up front so they get to experience all the highs and then they bail after the honeymoon is over. Just be wary of this, but why not at least give this guy a chance before we even know what's going on in his head. At least you have the information you need going forward and what to look out for. How he reacts going forward should be very clear if he's up to his same old routine. But do we really need to hang him before he's even committed a crime?

No. We don't.

 

Just giving a little warning if things start to head south. Peoples patterns are very important, as they rarely change without much self reflection, or counseling..

[chickadeedee]

Being exclusive and agreeing to be BF/GF are two different things. Exclusive just means you agree not to sleep with anyone else and is a good choice to help avoid STDs and to focus on figuring out whether you do want the person to ultimately be your BF/GF.

 

I think the OP is confused because BF/GF does imply a level of involvement where you'd talk every day, spend a lot of time together, make future plans to see each other every weekend and spend standard days like holidays, birthday, etc. together. But this guy asks her to be his GF then she doesn't hear from him. So he SAYS he wants a GF, but he's treating her like a casual date.

 

i'd have no trouble agreeing to be exlcusive with someone i found interesting enough to explore further to avoid STDs and also the 'multi-dating' risk where you don't know whether he really likes you or just wants a harem. But i would not agree to be BF/GF and have him lock down all my time and imply a level of closeness/commitment that can't possibly be there after only a few dates.

[chickadeedee]

btw, one of the oldest lines in the book players use is 'i'll change for you baby, you're special.' Yah right.

 

You're special until the next special girl catches his eye.

[annie24]

Call him and say hi and see how he is doing.