Unsure how to get over my manipulative ex boyfriend

[vanilla27]

We were together for a year. He was emotionally manipulative and cheated on me twice, neglected me for video games, seemed to base the relationship mostly on sex. He was flirty texting other girls and over time I felt worthless and began antidepressants. We're both uni students, and when we were drunk I found the courage to stand up to his tactless insults and ridicule/belitting. This happened several times over two months and he couldn't handle the arguments (probably because he loves control) so he dumped me. Seven months later I've made progress but I still resent him leaving me when I needed him the most. I gave him everything, including my virginity which was important to me and he pressured me into. When he broke it off and told me he 'hopes I get the help I clearly so desperately need', I felt so pathetic and wanted to hurt myself. I see him around at uni. He seems blissfully happy despite everything he did to me. Initially we said we'd be friends and I chose not to voice how wronged I felt, and he told me he'll never find a girl better than me as she doesn't exist. However, a couple of weeks later we fell out because I asked if he'd cheated again and he got angry and we argued. I reached out to try and be civil with him recently, and he read my message but ignored it. It really hurts that he ignored my message. With other people he has ever fallen out with, he has had the tendency to forgive and forget, so it makes me think that me finally voicing my opinion and telling him he is selfish and that I will be better off in the long run without him was too harsh. Though none of it was untrue. I feel worthless. I can't stop thinking about it him ignoring me, as though I'm not worth a response. My friend sent me screenshots of her talking to him on Facebook (apparently for my benefit..) and he seems very lovely and sweet, as he did with me in the beginning. She is very attractive and he barely knows her, so to me it's clear he is trying to manipulate her too. Why did he choose to ignore me when I tried to reach out, given that for all he knows now I am perfectly happy and have overcome my depression? My message had said something along the lines of 'just to let you know, there's no hard feelings, hope everything goes well for you in the next few weeks with our last exams!' and I would have appreciated a reciprocal comment given that we ended on such a terrible, horrible note of hatred. How can I let it go? He did such awful things to me and made me feel like I am nothing, so if all was right in this situation he'd be the one missing me and feeling awful about himself, not vice versa. Thank you for reading!

[kasop]

No contact. Give yourself space. Its been 7 months and you haven't healed yet. Letting your friend send you screen shots of their conversation is not helping you move on. He made his decision and its time for you to focus on yourself.

[agent1607307371]

My friend sent me screenshots of her talking to him on Facebook (apparently for my benefit..)

 

Not your friend.

 

Seriously, I have been here. No contact, no contact, no contact. Because when you finally get your head straight, you don't want to feel even stupider at how you behaved after the break up.

 

Stop contacting him. You know he won't reply. He has no interest in you any more. It probably amuses him that you keep setting yourself up for it.

 

He got what he wanted from you, you don't have anything he wants anymore. He's moved on to find another victim.

[Draven8]

Get as far away as possible. distance yourself. move on

[Clinton]

As has been said no contact and time are your allies. It takes a while to process a breakup. Some studies put average healing time from a SIGNIFICANT relationship at about 18 months.

 

A year to feel better and another 6 months or so to be totally over it. That was my experience after my divorce and my friends as well.

 

But that's an average, some take less some more.

 

Just know that if you work on healing by staying nc and staying active it will happen for you.

[ParisPaulette]

Stop all contact. Stop believing he'll turn into a decent person when you know better, jeez talk about setting yourself up to get smacked down. You are your own worst enemy in all of this at this point. He knows he has control over you and of course he's going to kick you when you're down, it's what sociopaths, emotional and physical abusers and others of their ilk do.

 

I would distance myself from the friend too, she will find out sooner or later, as you did that this is not a good person at all. He is possibly manipulating her also to get to you--yes, mind (bleepers) are that Fed up sometimes.

 

Also you need to reframe your mindset from hapless victim who he owed something to for all you did for him. You cannot keep picking up a scorpion then being unhappy when they repeatedly sting you. Twice at most should be all you ever let this joker have a chance to do to you. I'm not trying to be harsh here, but it's bound to have dawned on you probably sooner or later that this wasn't someone you could have a normal, healthy, happy relationship with and you stayed anyways knowing he was poison at that point.

 

Dig deep to find out why you didn't just have the confidence and love for yourself to tell him you deserved better and kick him out right then and there after the second time he hurt you/cheated on. Being an overgiver when you're with someone who treats you badly never works. You can't buy or bargain someone into being a decent human being or treating you better, so stop it. Stop being a doormat, work on your own self-confidence by going out and accomplishing things on your own and stop handing over the reigns to your life to others. No one else can make you happy and you thought if you stayed down and did everything for this guy that it would work. It doesn't.

 

Learn to be happy with yourself and learn to send anyone who mistreats you packing regardless of your feelings for them when it first starts. You will be fine, but that first step is cutting off all contact and that means even FB stalking or having others spy on him for you. Tell people you want nothing to do with the jackbutt and are sorry you ever knew him, ignore him, dump this "friend" if she's sniffing around you, and move forward. Then go find one new activity that you can do and focus on that will give you a sense of accomplishment and purpose. Focus on finding things that you do for yourself that give you a true sense of accomplishment, and no a guy can't do that the same way say running a marathon or finally getting that license or taking that trip can. You need to build yourself based on the things that you do for yourself and that you can point to and say, "I and I alone did this, it's mine."

 

And you will be so much happier if you send people like this guy packing at the first sign of trouble, not the 100th.