Feeling like I'm stuck in a box sinking to the ocean floor with no way out

[cherrybomb89]

This is my first post ever about virtually anything I've needed advice from. I'm just running out of options to choose from so I'll just pour my heart out to whoever is willing to read the story of my life basically.

 

To start, I am a 25 year old female, trying to find a place in my life where I can just be happy and content. I've always been attracted to both male and female...I remember going to a little sleep over at my best friends(I will call her Amy) house in elementary school and inviting the new girl in our class. We were playing house downstairs in her basement when the new girl (I'll call her Mary), galavanted into the other room to dress up in some crazy clothes we found rummaging around down there. Mary made my heart skip beats and flutter. The feeling I'd get after climbing a tree so high and looking down after me only to see the ground so far below with my friends looking more and more like little ants. I sought the perfect opportunity to pull Amy aside and tell her something I was really confused about at the time considering I was only a little kid. I told her I think I like girls, especially Mary. With a troubled look on my face, Amy told me she still accepted me for whoever I am and will become. She said its not a bad thing and it was ok to be different from the other kids. This girl was younger than me (we are still very close today, about 17 years later might I add!) and giving me this advice that i really felt like I needed and helped mold me into who I am today. I will never forget that night.

 

So years later, at 16 I meet my first girlfriend. I was in love! Beautiful eyes, soft long dark hair, olive skin, great smile...The whole 9. Even though I've always been a relationship type of person at 16 I became a little wild and hungry. Even more confused, as I should be as a teenager, stupid me talked to her ex girlfriend for awhile. Nothing ever happened...But she found out and it hurt her so we stopped seeing each other. And it hurt me too because of how stupid I acted, so i went off and dated a boy for about a year. Broke up with him, started talking to my first ex girlfriend again and also met another guy at 17 and was together with him for about 5 years, 3 after that off and on which was a seriously toxic relationship. Hurt the ex girlfriend again, so she moved accross the country where she is to this day. We are now friends, and we have a few drinks when she comes and visits family on the east coast. Broke up with the toxic relationship for the last time, found a girl, messed around, found out she was talking to a guy which freaked me out because I'm realizing while I'm intimate with her, she's being intimate with him and for me personally it grossed me out. She ended up eventually moving to another country , so I met a few other people within that time span to now, jumping from relationship to relationship.

 

Before the relationship I'm in now, I decided to stay single for once for about a little less than a year. Then at my new job I met this guy, who I thought was the one. Getting my heart broken by the past girls in my life I decided to try to put that fire out. Plus he was so handsome and a little older, wise, and so so so very smart. Once again, I was in love! Well almost four years later we are still together, I moved out of my apartment to move in with him to his parents until we saved up enough to get our own little house and make our own little family. Six months later, still at his parents...Tried having a baby a few months ago and failed, I then realized that is not what I want. What was I doing!?

About a year ago that fire I thought was put out started to re-ignite. It was a subtle feeling, nothing I couldn't ignore or handle; until just recently. I can't say I've been the happiest I can be lately... I find myself daydreaming about settling down with a nice girl all day, every day. I miss that passionate feeling with a woman that guys just can't seem to have. Soft lips, sweet feminine gestures, the smell of perfume on my pillow that isn't mine...I want every piece of that so much that its honestly starting to tear me apart. My boyfriend and I haven't really been intimate for a couple years now, when we were it was annoying and I only did it to satisfy him and to try to make a baby. I could honestly go without it, and I do not have any desire to do anything with him anymore but kiss him goodnight only because he will complain if I don't. He is head over heels for me, treats me so right, better than anyone else in my life has. Takes care of me, would do anything for me... But I am still not happy. I've never ever been 100% fully happy.

I look out the window everyday wondering what else is out there for me? How do I get out of this little box I am in? I know it will kill him and me too, I know I need to do this. But how? All of my things are here in his parents house, so not only am I having to deal with breaking it off with what he thinks will be him and I forever, I have also endure his parents. How do I tell him without completely tearing his heart apart that "hey, this relationship isn't going to work because after all this time in my life there has been this hole I could never fill, until I realized I want to go find a girl" He's always joked around and said I would leave him for a girl...In the back of my head I'm thinking, "you are right." Which is terrible of me. I feel like such a low person. I don't need someone to tell me that I just need to tell him because at the moment I can't. I have to wait until its right, but I need to before he finds a house for us to move to which might be sooner than later. I was thinking of writing a letter but this is so heavy and serious that a letter just wouldn't be a good idea. I am sinking down to the ocean floor more and more everyday with this on my shoulders. I just don't know what to do. I'm losing sight of who I am, like I'm fading into a void with no way out. And it scares me deeply...How do I get out of this rut?

 

Anyway, advice would be helpful as you can see I am going through some craziness right now. Thank you to whoever listened as well.

[Clinton]

End the relationship and be on your own for a while. Get counseling and straighten out your sexuality. Do you want to be with men, women or both.

 

Stop lying to yourself about what it would take to keep you happy. And as far as happiness goes, no one's 100 percent happy all the time. Life doesn't work like that. Someone adjusting your expectations would help.

[Willywagtail]

First thing is to talk to your BF and come to some sort of agreement about ending the relationship. It's not fair on him to continue, and it absolutely would not be fair to try for a baby in these circumstances.

 

You need to sort your head and heart out. It may be that you're bi, or that you are the type of person that is poly - I don't know, and clearly you don't know either.

 

Seems like you've always been in a relationship. Time I think to spend some time on your own, thinking, reflecting, meeting other people. Even counseling if necessary.

 

You don't know who you are and you don't know what you want - being in a relationship with a man or a woman - or having a baby - won't solve that. You need to find a realtionhsip with yourself.

[cherrybomb89]

Thanks for the feedback although some things i should have made more clearer in my rant.

 

I do know who I am, although a little more soul searching is never a bad thing. I do know that I like both- i don't really like to put a label on it but sure call it bi. that wasn't the help I needed answering to. As I stated in my post after coming to the realization that a baby would only make things worse we haven't tried since and I don't plan on following through with one. I don't need counseling either. Just to figure out where I'd like to be in a relationship to me is a waste of money to pay someone to talk about my feelings. Especially when I don't plan on marrying anytime soon. All i really wanted was some nice pointers on how I can get this talk with him going because I'm too scared to break his heart.

 

I will however be on my own for as long as possible until I'm finally ready to settle down. Since this post I've been thinking long and hard about the situation and I've basically come up with just wanting to be on my own because despite what society tells me I should do, i wouldn't mind being alone forever. I just couldn't stop thinking about women. I don't want to make it worse so being on my own seems like the best idea.

 

Thank you both for your words of wisdom and Gollum to be in a relationship with myself has got to be the best advice I've gotten yet. Thank you so much for that!