xxYoure My Butterflyxx Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Hi guys, It's been a long time since I've been here. Basically the short version of my story is that I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now. For the past 12 months or so, things haven't been great, we don't sleep in the same bed, we fight a lot and have been talking about breaking up for a while. It's me that wants to break up, he doesn't seem to want to. Even though we are currently living like flatmates, not bf/gf. It's very frustrating, as I know I deserve better than this, but at the same time it's hard for me to think about throwing away so many years. One of my best friends is getting married in a month and I am a bridesmaid. I seem to have developed feelings for one of the groomsman after having a little chat to him the other day (I know of him, he's around the same age as me, we have a lot of mutual friends but I haven't had that much to do with him). I feel terrible to be having these sort of feelings for someone else, while I technically still have a boyfriend. I am excited at the thought of being paired up with him for the wedding and hoping to spend a bit of time with him, but my bf is supposed to be coming to the wedding with me and I know I can't act on anything while we are still "together". I don't know how to let the groomsman know what I'm thinking without putting myself out there and I don't want to do that in case he doesn't feel the same way. But he won't know that I'm a possibility if he thinks I have a boyfriend. I know I need to cut things off with my bf but how do I give this new guy the hint that I'm interested, while still saving face in case he's not? It's been so long since I've been in the dating game, eek! I feel like I'm 15 again - I am having to restrain myself from sending this guy messages, I keep constantly checking my phone to see if he's messaged me, I keep looking at his facebook page. Argh, he has no clue I'm even interested! I want him to know but I don't want to make a fool of myself! Link to comment
HeavenWings Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 How is the living arrangements with your current/soon-not-to-be boyfriend? Who's paying rent or who bought the place? If it is you, you have the right to ask him to move out. If it is shared then I propose getting somewhere else to stay as soon as possible. Contrary to popular belief, breaking up does not need to be a mutual thing. You can simply inform you partner (preferably face to face) and move on with your life. Sounds harsh, but that's better than flirting with the groomsman when you technically still with your current boyfriend. And ethically, you should breakup with your boyfriend first before "testing" the groomsman you like so much. Just doesn't sit right doing so while you still in a relationship, even if it is a sinking one. Breakup with your boyfriend, ask the new guy out for coffee and you will know so easily if he is interested or not. That's the only way you can save face because if people know you are bowling down two alleys at the same time then you will be even more embarrassed, as well as getting a very bad name tag attached to you. Anyway,just my opinion. Rather do things right and proper, saves a lot of future trouble. Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Well, I think that your BF deserves better as well. At least end it with your BF - and have some respect for the 6 years you have had together - before you go testing the waters with someone else. If you behave in a decent, compassionate way with your BF, you are more likely to go into any new relationship with a sense of integrity, rather than a sense of dishonesty. Link to comment
charity Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 It sounds like you only will break up with your boyfriend if the other guy is interested? If not then you will stay with your boyfriend? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 I wouldn't try to convert new guy until after I've ended my relationship and living situation with BF. Otherwise, you're just letting new guy know that you own the capacity to be disloyal. Not a great marketing strategy. Link to comment
Clinton Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Do the right thing and breakup with the boyfriend before pursuing others. Don't be one of those wishy washy amoral hoes that's so desperate for companionship that they jump from one guy to the next without a break in between Link to comment
xxYoure My Butterflyxx Posted April 27, 2015 Author Share Posted April 27, 2015 We both pay rent, but the place was mine first. He moved in after I had been here for a while. I know I can break up with him without him agreeing but it's difficult. He will not talk about it at all, every time I bring it up he clams up or changes the subject. Gets engrossed in his phone. So frustrating. Not at all. As I said, things have been declining for some time now and regardless of this new guy, I know it is just not there anymore. I am trying to end it so that we stay on good terms, rather than just a massive blowout and never speak again. That is proving more difficult than it should be though. I'm not desperate for companionship at all. I was alone for 3 years before my current boyfriend came along and I'll happily be alone again after he's gone if this new guy doesn't work out. This is the first time in my life I have been interested in someone else while still in a relationship. All my other relationships have ended, with nothing else beginning for years afterwards. It's a difficult predicament to be in. Thanks everyone for the replies. Link to comment
tristaelle Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 I don't think it's fair of you to give any hint to the new guy until you have 100% made up your mind, and you have 100% broken up with your boyfriend. 6 years is a long time to be with someone, and breaking up with someone doesn't just happen instantly. You may be ready to move on, but your boyfriend seems to be willing to give it a shot. I'm just going to explain my own situation, in hopes it'll help you. I just got out of a 5 year relationship with my ex before Christmas. We had issues about 3 years in, but had been working on it for the last 2. I had had enough at about 4 years, but the amount of time I had put it deterred me from listening to what I knew I should do. In October of this past year, I realized I had very strong feelings for a very good friend of mine. I felt the same way as you, that it was not fair for me to have feelings for someone other than my boyfriend, so I made an effort to not hang out with my friend anymore, and to explain my feelings to my boyfriend. Unfortunately, I wasn't very good at stopping being his friend, as we work together, and I've been talking with him daily for 4 years. I had suggested for about 2 years in getting counselling with my boyfriend, but he didn't want to. He used every excuse not to. Finally, I realized I had feelings for a new person because my feelings for my boyfriend were no longer existent. That being said, I did not act on these feelings. I broke up with my boyfriend, and after I knew there was no chance of me getting back together with him (had moved out, worked out financial arrangements for our house, etc), I pursued my feelings for the new guy. Link to comment
saluk Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 While looking for the right time to break up with your BF in order to avoid hurting him and having him think bad of you; you are considering taking steps to cheat on him, which WILL make him think bad of you. And in this case, he would be justified. You aren't helping anyone by dragging it out. This coming from a guy who at the time wished his GF had given their relationship a chance and tried to work on it. Link to comment
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