IAmFCA Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 At work. She said, she said. I have addressed each battle, but am dismissing the war. I do not have the power to be dismissive, and I am practicing the skill of asserting my voice. It is time. Meanwhile, am getting pretty good at it in the course of my OLD screening. Looking back at old messages, I see where my prior engagements reflect my need to engage. Probably still do, because I do need that. Definitely more balanced now than 1, 2 and 3 years ago, in a progression. Newest banter is with an apparently stable, appropriately cautious, transparent, seemingly well off fellow who also is local and grew up local. Getting closer! Shoved off a retired pro-athlete who was all drama. Not sure I ever even gave him my name. I picked up on - and was comfortable depending upon my analysis of - his choice of words, unbalanced approach, misplacement of blame. All this exposed in his refusal to post a picture and his explanation thereof. Banter guy also refuses to post a picture, but I readily gave him my number and he sent several and the banter continued. The difference is, athlete was all about his drama: Ive experienced identity theft, learning to trust again, yada yada. I'm like, you know what, I was stalked on line for a year by someone i met on line. We all have to deal with that dynamic. Posting a picture wasn't the problem. My instincts and boundaries were the problem, and I trust mine now. You ask me to take risks you wouldn't accept for yourself, and you explain it as if you are special. Moving on. A year ago I moved past him because he didn't post a picture rather than negotiate for what I want. Two years ago I might have caved and gotten on the phone with him or something. This year, i am asking for what I want. I know I can hold my own in the pursuit of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 Coffee was good intellectually. I don't know about dating-wise. I mean, we met for coffee in between two business meetings. I am not going to be flirty in that context and frankly, I don't think we were attracted to each other. We could be though. He didn't show his hand, so I am assuming he wasn't turned on, and that seemed to be a key criteria, which is fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 A year ago I moved past him because he didn't post a picture rather than negotiate for what I want. Two years ago I might have caved and gotten on the phone with him or something. This year, i am asking for what I want. I know I can hold my own in the pursuit of it. This resonates with me. It's great that you've made progress and are not entertaining guys like this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 Coffee was good intellectually. I don't know about dating-wise. I mean, we met for coffee in between two business meetings. I am not going to be flirty in that context and frankly, I don't think we were attracted to each other. We could be though. He didn't show his hand, so I am assuming he wasn't turned on, and that seemed to be a key criteria, which is fine. He asked for cocktails. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 This resonates with me. It's great that you've made progress and are not entertaining guys like this! Thank you. So much is about the screening process! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 LOL Mr Wow texts just now = funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 OLD suddenly returning better results. Two reasons that are within my control: I put in a tag line at the start that states what I want and makes it that you don't have to read the whole thing. Also, I'm happier. I don't know why I'm so happy right now. I'm not happy outwardly, outwardly I'm anxious, distracted, exhausted, and annoyed. Inside,I am happier than I ever remember. I am wondering if mr wow was my gift, the capstone course on my path to happiness, maybe just because letting that go didn't gut me. It was hard, yes, and I fought it, yes, but it hurt without hurting that kernel of me that is essential, my cute DNA. That is huge. I want him to want me, I still think our feelings were genuine, I wouldn't take him back now, not now, and I appreciate that he let me go. It might have actually been the right thing to do, based on who he is and what he has to do. He really did give me a gift. It hurt like hell and I would like to be living the summer I had hoped to enjoy, but I wouldn't get to do that as his gf either. Meanwhile, I am attracting men who seem, at first blush, to be more stable, less dramatic, more cautious about choosing me. And even if I weren't. Happy either way. Just, happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Good to hear you are happier! I too feel like Z was a blessing in disguise. I've never dealt with a lot of the things he put me through before and that taught me a lot and also made me rethink/revamp my approach to dating. Just curious what did you put in your profile in relation to what you want? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 Good to hear you are happier! I too feel like Z was a blessing in disguise. I've never dealt with a lot of the things he put me through before and that taught me a lot and also made me rethink/revamp my approach to dating. Just curious what did you put in your profile in relation to what you want? Glad to hear you found the gift in your experience. Messaging the other part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 Court date is tomorrow. He's had kids allot, yet abuse hearing continues on. How his ex can do this to him I just don't know, do this to the kids. They love being with him and I'm glad they have had more opportunity. I'll be watching tomorrow to see what happens in court, eventually, it will post on line. I thought I might let it go unnoticed, but its just too big. I hope there is a break tomorrow instead of this continued continuations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Post on line? Where would it be posted? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 Post on line? Where would it be posted? The court's local jurisdiction keeps an update available for anyone to see. Can look up anyone and see years of tickets, court dates, foreclosures, criminal charges, divorce hearings, civil suits. It provides dates and conclusions. It's quite informative. In mr wows case, it's part of what helps me understand him as I do. Once his loved ones fell apart from cancer, divorce and recession, there is a whole spate of tickets and the like. He started to get anxious and then the details started to fall apart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted June 20, 2015 Author Share Posted June 20, 2015 It's going to continue on for months. He knew this when he ended it, because he said exactly that... Wasn't thinking of that actually, but for last post. Was thinking how nice it is to get girls to this sweet house we are staying in, to have today off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 Wow I can not explain the transformation. A new level of self esteem that creates happiness and I already was a happy soul. He was so right. I didn't have the capacity to see and protect in myself what he protected on my behalf by going away. Interesting that recently I've fielded interest from several OLD candidates whom I couldn't engage with previously. There nothing different, except for me. Amazing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 Heard tonight about the gf from a friend who said he was up front with her H in talking about things and that he considers me a good friend. The other night he said he and son were happy to see lights on at my home... I ignored that element of friend's conversation, and am ignoring any idea that it matters how he thinks of me. Have been thinking about something... I rail on (in my ever-present multi-layered inner voice) about men choosing women for the fun factor, that it makes it any number of women would qualify. ... Have I been doing this? I feel like I am doing something different than before. Not sure yet... but I certainly have been attracted to several men who embody one of several masculine archetypes, and who are sexually gifted. Are they not the male version of the woman I rail about? ...Yes, and no: I sorted Mr Wow for family background, values, energy, smarts. The value of this thought pattern is not in the black/white conclusion, but in the nuance. Its like a balance, and I have adjusted it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 Noting that I have three close friends who are drinking more than they themselves think they should. I can see the impact on all three. One, it is a deep deep problem. He gets tremors, I can see it in his skin, its just awful. But his career is progressing. Another is overweight a stark contrast to decades of enviable slender figure, the third is starting to age and looking not so athletic. Relationships are faltering for all -- for the first; he stopped having them altoghether. The second, the spouse is struggling. The third, a bit chaotic. Here is a question: if one has a litigious spouse, one who hires detectives etc even AFTER the divorce, who alleges child abuse - as has occurred with two of the three - can one safely go to AA? How do you go to AA confidentially so that it can't be used in court? Anyway, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I think you can go to AA ---- but you would have to call a local chapter and find out about the "hidden meeting". There are lawyers, judges, Congressmen and women, doctors ---- who attend AA meetings that are not for the general public. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 I think you can go to AA ---- but you would have to call a local chapter and find out about the "hidden meeting". There are lawyers, judges, Congressmen and women, doctors ---- who attend AA meetings that are not for the general public. That's good information. I will share it when invited. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 Update on candidates Strongest candidate asked for cocktails tomorrow. He seems so dang tentative, and maybe he is. Dunno, doesn't matter. This will be our second introduction. I lost one when I laughed at his request for a sunbathing pic. Ha, I guess he was serious about that. Funny. I advised one to check in end of June, he hasn't, I haven't. Maybe I will soon. Dunno. The other one I told him I would check in when I returned from vacay and I just didn't bother. I could be out of candidates soon. Oh, the tragedy! lol, who cares. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 That's good information. I will share it when invited. Thank you. Actually, I think more that he would have to attend a meeting to speak with the moderator to get this sort of info. It isn't something they would give over the phone...for the sole purpose of weeding out PI's and reporters and such. My uncle was a member/mentor for 25 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted June 24, 2015 Author Share Posted June 24, 2015 Actually, I think more that he would have to attend a meeting to speak with the moderator to get this sort of info. It isn't something they would give over the phone...for the sole purpose of weeding out PI's and reporters and such. My uncle was a member/mentor for 25 years. There is the idea that my friend used fear of losing custody as an excuse, a rationalization. I will find a way to mention it anyhow. Hmm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted June 24, 2015 Author Share Posted June 24, 2015 Mr. Wow... Is happily settled into his relationship, and yet surrounded by glimmers of my light. Another friend of his emailed me today, nothing material but a warm appreciative response. It's like, we all are in consensus that I'm the good one that he let go, we all love him, and it's clear that life his sucks terribly. He framed his gf as trashy, but maybe she's not so bad. I hope not. He did the right thing, I wouldn't have done it. I'm grateful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 I don't get why his friends are still going on and on about you and Mr Wow and making comments to you about how he's not going well (and maybe vice versa)? So gossipy. I would tell him I appreciate the updates but see no point in talking about a mutual friend's (aka Mr Wow) personal life or something along those lines. I know you don't mind hearing that stuff, it just annoys me and that's what I personally would do so I don't have to hear about or be involved in his life anymore and further help me move on. That's just me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted June 24, 2015 Author Share Posted June 24, 2015 I don't get why his friends are still going on and on about you and Mr Wow and making comments to you about how he's not going well (and maybe vice versa)? So gossipy. I would tell him I appreciate the updates but see no point in talking about a mutual friend's (aka Mr Wow) personal life or something along those lines. I know you don't mind hearing that stuff, it just annoys me and that's what I personally would do so I don't have to hear about or be involved in his life anymore and further help me move on. That's just me! They're not. His friends are gracious and welcoming. My post reflects observations from pics posted, or tone of an email, that sort of thing, and my knowledge of his legal situation as coming directly from him, as we recently corresponded directly on a specific matter. Just a few different little things giving me some instincts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 They're not. His friends are gracious and welcoming. My post reflects observations from pics posted, or tone of an email, that sort of thing, and my knowledge of his legal situation as coming directly from him, as we recently corresponded directly on a specific matter. Just a few different little things giving me some instincts. I think you see his friends as gracious and welcoming because part of you wants this type of information. One of the best ways my ex's and mine mutual friends expressed their graciousness to me was by being silent about what he was doing/how his life was going. For almost all of them I didn't even have to bring it up or ask -they just knew. If you are reading into e-mail tone or pictures that might be a good sign that you need to find a way to create more distance than you have now, so you can move on. Glimmers of light are a lovely image of course but why focus on the smoke and mirrors stuff when you have so much going for you in reality and that are not just glimmers? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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