GetOverItPlz's Healing Journal

[GetOverItPlz]

It has been a long time since I've been here. About 4 1/2 years ago I dealt with a pretty major breakup of 3 years. Long story short, we did not get back together at all, though we came very close.

 

Since then I have had a few relationships, the most recent one just ended in December after 2 years together. We have not gotten back together.

 

I am doing this for myself now because it is cathartic and I just want to get it out of my system.

 

Let's go all the way back to the beginning.

 

I met my girlfriend- we'll call her "M"- through a mutual friend of mine that I make music with. I was at his parent's house for a NFL playoff party back in late 2012. There was a girl there whom I took to right away. She was fun, spunky, (significantly more) young, beautiful, and unique. I had never dated anyone like her. I was 26 at the time, and I came to find out she was 20, literally 6 years and a week younger than me to the day. I was fully single and had spent a good amount of time with just myself. I was happy with me and spending time with her made me happy.

 

I ran accross her again at another mutual gathering and we both spent a good amount of time chatting and being flirty. That next week, I added her on Facebook. We noticed we were tagged in the same Facebook picture from earlier that year. At a show I did, when I was on stage she was in the crowd ENTHRALLED with me. We were looking for each other, as she didn't know it was me on stage! When we realized that weird, almost fate-like connection we already had, we started spending a lot more time together.

 

As our budding relationship grew, I really got over the age difference. She had seen a lot in her life and had been through a lot. In some cases it had a negative effect on our relationship, but I'll get into that in a bit.

 

We started officially going out after about 2 1/2 months of courting, and I was super excited. She was funny, beautiful, and a great counterbalance to myself. She was really outgoing and free-spirited, and I've always been more grounded and centered (though I do have my moments as well, especially as a musician). It was a great time.

 

Except a couple of problems arose early. She had some serious trust issues, which we worked through together in about the first month, month and a half of dating. The other issue was totally blindsiding, but actually brought us closer together.

 

She told me she had previously had an opiate addiction for about a year and a half and literally got over it DAYS before we first met. She is 100% clean since, and I know that for a fact. IT was just weird how she was in "rehab" (she did it at home) literally a week before we met. She was really afraid to tell me because of the fact that I'm pretty straight on that stuff (I'll drink and occasionally smoke weed, but that's as far as I've dabbled) and this revelation actually brought us a lot closer because I reassured her since it was her past, it didn't matter. From there on we had a great relationship for about a solid year and some change.

 

About 18 months in though we started to kind of get stagnant. Not as much conversation, doing the same things over and over, etc. The typically year and a half stuff that plagues a lot of relationships. We'd start to argue more and generally couldn't get on the same page in some parts of life.

 

When we balanced each other out- i.e her bringing me places on the weekends and me cooking and doing couple stuff throughout the week- it worked really well. That isn't to say it was ALWAYS her planning outings and me wanting to stay in, but that was the dynamic. We had a really good push and pull- Stockton and Malone style. But it started to swing more wildly- I was working on a project and so I wanted to be in more, and she was getting her "I'm 21 and want to go out!" stage in full effect.

 

Things started to fall apart. Passion started to wane. Things in the bedroom lacked spice, and we started acting more as friends than lovers. We still had a powerful connection and tried to make it work as best as we could, but one night she left my bed and slept on the couch, I knew it was nearing its end. She asked for a break shortly after, I gave her that for a week, and then she asked me to come over and we broke up back in December.

 

I started off strong- didn't beg or plead. But it kind of degenerated to that, we went back and forth for about 4 weeks. She told me she loved me so much, but the passion had died in our relationship and she wasn't sure if it could be reignited. I told her this is common when the honeymoon phase ends, but she was adamant. She told me she wanted to start fresh with us, a friendship. She advised me she was really needing to find herself, and can't even imagine a relationship right now in her life. At 22, I can totally see why, and I empathize. I just didn't think the whole "let's be friends" was going to work because I tried that once with an ex and got burned BAD. So some back and forth ended up being us in NC for about a month (through the start of March).

 

I hit her up I believe the last day of Februrary and said hey, and at first she was really receptive. I think I pushed too hard, and though we eventually met up and had a great time together, I think I was too heavy handed. A week ago she said it's just not working out right now, and when we hung out she cried a lot and kind of ran off. We text a bit after that and the last thing she said to me was:

 

"GOIP i will forever appreciate everything you have ever done for me. You have helped me grow in so many ways. I truly wish that you find infinite happiness. Whatever it may be. I'm sorry we didn't work as we had imagined. I do and will still believe in the fact that our love and respect for each other as humans will always be alive and that we shared these emotions to greater ourselves and learn. I have no idea what the future will hold but I do know I hope we can be in each others in some way. I love you always"

 

I have not spoken to her in almost exactly a week since.

 

I have posted this in the journal thread because right now, I don't know if I want to be with her or not. I'm very neutral in what I want in my heart, though I still hurt a lot from how things ended. I know I cannot be her friend right now, and I was firm about that. For as different as her and I were, this was the most powerful relationship I've ever been in. She taught me so much about myself and how to love. I thought this would be the girl for me, and we could grow together. But I just don't know if our differences will be reconciled in any short amount of time, as she is in clearly a different phase of life. I got out of that phase by about 24 years old (I am now 28 ), but she being more free-spirited and wild may be in it longer. Or who knows, maybe shorter.

 

I do in some ways hope we get another chance because she always told me that I'm literally everything she's ever wanted in a partner, and through everything I felt the same about her. She appreciated the fact that I was such an anchor and what we may have lacked in passion at times, we made up in that strong bond that kept us rooted.

 

I know I've forgotten plenty of stuff, so if you want to reply please ask for clarification. I just didn't want to have a 3000 page book to start this out. lol.

 

Thanks,

GOIP

[GetOverItPlz]

Today I have been just relaxing and watching The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. What a hilarious show- if you have Netflix, definitely check it out.

 

One thing I wanted to do today in my journal was chronical various issues either her or I brought up in our relationship. Over the next months I really want to identify what went wrong so I can work on weak points (for her or my next). I read back over a couple of my previous breakup threads and came to the unfortunate realization that I re-lived some of my same issues. That has got to stop, because I really would like my next relationship to be it! I miss my ex daily but do not know realistically if it will be her. Just gotta work on myself and find out, huh?

 

1. "She held me back/I held her back"

- She felt like she held me back in some ways, and I held her back in some ways. We lived pretty different lifestyles. Like I said in my opening post though, when we were at our best we balanced each other out. She, at 20-22, wanted to party and go out a lot more than I did, at 26-28. I wanted to go workout, and for a bit she committed to it, but didn't really care for it. She is into music festivals and things like that, and that just wasn't my thing. I wanted nice evenings and relaxation.

-For this issue, I believe setting boundaries and setting aside 'alone' time for our hobbies and interests WITHOUT feeling like we had to be a part of it. It's okay that we're different, as long as we set aside time to share mutual/joint activities. I think for this issue to truly resolve with her, she needs to get a bit of that out of her system.

 

2. "Our passion fizzled"

-Now this one is very true. I think we got way too comfortable with each other. Too much of the same stuff over and over. This was both of our faults.

-To resolve this one is simple- do not let monotony creep in and destroy your passion! I can do this by taking at least one day a week to push the envelope. Be different. Even if it's as simple as trying something completely new for dinner and cooking it together, it can change the whole vibe.

 

3. "Something was missing near the end"

-This one is a lot more esoteric from her. "Something" could mean... well, anything, but I think this goes along with the passion failing, monotony, and general apathy we both developed. We were like an old married couple, and that is not conducive to success in a long term relationship.

-See both 1 & 2. A combination of those could have brought this back.

 

4. Lack of social circles on my side

-This is something I need to work on definitely. As I am older, many of my friends are now married, with kids, etc. Since she is a lot younger, her friends have not yet reached that point where everyone is popping up with kids. So we spent a lot of time with her friends, and she often felt like I didn't bring her around mine. It wasn't that I WOULDN'T, it's just that my circles were diminished. I spend a lot of time in the studio, so I wasn't doing much to grow them, either.

-I DEFINITELY want to get out more often. At least once a week I want to make it a purpose to go out strictly for socializing, and not visiting another studio, or martial arts, or the gym. I don't have to go get wasted, but I need to get out and let loose.

 

I'll continue this list, but those were the major ones. Other things did crop up. As I write this though, I feel as though maybe we're just too different, and in such different places in life that it can't work? I dunno, I'm just gonna take it right now as this not working out and make this changes for myself. Whomever is next in the relationship world will benefit!