One day at a time

[TattyK]

I do not really want to write this down somewhere where my husband can read this, as I do not want to worry him. I talk to him about how I am feeling, but I give a watered down version so as not to stress him out too badly. Nobody wants to come home to negativity being dumped onto them....

I just feel so sad and helpless all the time. I come home and I just bawl, I cry harder then I can really ever remember crying. I cry to the point where I am choking on a lack of air and I have to compose myself so I do not pass out, only to just resume crying again. I will cry all the way home from school, continue crying as I get into the house, put on my big sunglasses and then resume crying while I take the dog for a pee. Then I run a bath, and sit in the tub and cry until I feel like I am just spent.

Then I clean myself up, fix my makeup, and pretend it never happened. Once and awhile I will tear up off and on in between then and my husband getting home, but once he is home I completely shut that part off. I ignore it and distract myself and focus on happy things while he is here, because he deserves that. He can tell that I have been crying, but I laugh it off and tell him its just a stress thing, don't worry about it, there isn't anything he can do.

 

I think its a combination of things....I feel overwhelmed, I don't think I am going to pass this semester. No matter how hard I try, I cant keep up and its becoming glaringly obvious. I feel panicked and ashamed, I feel like I want to just vanish to a desert island and stay there until I pass. I don't want to look anybody in the eye or talk to anyone until I do, I feel like a disgusting lack of a person until I can do that. I feel like I will shame my family and my husband, like even if I do end up achieving later on in life this will still haunt me, like, yeah, she passed, but she had to do it twice. I will NEVER get full recognition from my family if that happens....I know my husband would never feel that way, but I cant help but worry about it. I almost feel worse knowing I did so well in the first semester, at least if I had just skimmed by in the first semester they could understand why Im not doing well in the second.

 

Im so embaressed

 

Im also pissed that I cant write an apostrophe for some reason, it keeps coming up as è.....not really relevant, but extremely frustrating to deal with when your upset trying to write out a diatribe of emotional garbage. If your wondering why theyre missing, there you go.

 

Im also angry at myself because essentially all that money my husband spent on that semester is gone. Poof. Plus it will need to be paid again to do it again....god Im such a waste of space....he says not to worry about it, but how can I not worry about it, that is a lot of money...his money.....

Plus our plan was at the end of next year we wanted to get pregnant, it was all going to work out where I finished school and got pregnant around the same time.....if I have to do this again, that is going to push things back even more, and he said the end of next year for sure or nothing, so now I feel like I am grieving the loss of a child I never had. We kept pushing things back and pushing things back because we wanted to make sure we had a place, cars, our jobs in order, basically long-term stability. We do not want to be one of those people who are not prepared for the financial responsibilities of children, relying on family and government and scraping by. We didn't want that......to have one just because there is no time left, I feel like that is hypocritical. I wouldn't do that.......but that doesnèt mean I don't feel devastated about it. I try to imagine what life would be like without having children, and I just feel cold. Dead. My husband always says if we cant have kids it will be okay, we will travel and enjoy ourselves. I just feel like dying inside when he says that......how will traveling make me feel better...if I feel unfulfilled in Canada, chances are I am going to feel unfulfilled in Australia, Fiji, Ireland, Germany, ex cetera. I will look around at other families and children and just feel like my most exposed and painful nerve is wide open and its raining salt.

 

I read this all back and I feel foolish, angry, sad, and stuffed up from all the crying. I hope tomorrow I feel differently, or at least don't cry; in the meantime it felt pretty good to just put it out there. I know it was pathetic and self-depreciating.........no solutions, just one day at a time.

[reinventmyself]

I don't know any other way to put it than - garden variety depression. You are so overwrought about not being able to predict the future.

But there are no crystal balls. It's called LIFE

 

You are focused on all the what ifs and catastrophisizing outcomes you aren't seeing what's in front of you.

 

You are young, married, in school, you have hopes and dreams yet you are so hard on yourself for reasons that don't seem clear from someone from the outside.

 

Be kind to yourself and consider some therapy if you haven't already.

[TattyK]

Well that last post was very panicked. Oy....I went through a few more days of that before sort of coming to a bit of reconciliation with myself. I came to the conclusion that even if I fail, I will not quit, and I will get it next time. That is IF I fail. I'm trying to hinge my happy feelings on that big giant IF that is still possible. Should it not happen...well.....I'll be excellent second time around then. This won't change anything, it will just delay things.

And as far as the baby thing goes, I did some reading and it made me feel much better. It says that even though I only have the one functional ovary, that I should be able to get pregnant as easily as someone who has two and that I shouldn't go into menopause any earlier as a result either. So that made me feel a WHOLE lot better....I feel like this big ticking clock has been silenced for awhile. I also talked to my husband a bit about it and that made me feel better too.

Months ago he was excited at the idea of having a baby, and he told me that we have to set a deadline. I was scared at that time, because I hadn't done much reading about it and I was very frightened at the all the worst case scenarios. He didn't understand why I was worried until I explained that this is a serious thing, that women can die in childbirth, I don't think he really thought about that. Ever since then, whenever I brought up the idea of a baby he sort of just brushed it off, like "if it happens, it happens." I found this disheartening, like my window was closing fast.......it turns out that now he is the one worried that I am going to die and I'm now the one saying "Whats the big deal?". We talked about it and he basically wanted me to agree that I'm the #1 priority and he needs to know that I would choose to live verses the child if that should happen. As macabre as that conversation was, I think it made him feel better and it made me feel better to know that he does want a child, he just doesn't want to lose me. I'm not sure how I feel about it, even though I said I agreed, but I'm not going to start a huge fight over a very slim "what if" in this situation.

I also passed a test that I had been struggling to pass for weeks now today, that made me feel exuberant. I was over the moon. I actually got to my car and DIDN'T cry. I feel like this takes a little bit of the pressure off, if anything I feel like I gained a bit of my confidence back.

I'm looking forward to April, it should be an eventful month, good or bad

[Seraphim]

Maternal death is not very common in North America. The maternal death rate is only about 6 per 100,000 in Canada. Most causes of maternal death in Canada are due to hemorrhage, infection or high blood pressure. So it's not very common at all. I survived a severe hemorrhage when my son was born.

 

Yes ,women can die but not very likely in modern society.

[TattyK]

I had a pretty fantastic day today, just thought I would brag a little to well, nobody lol

 

I did well on all my tests today (4 of them...ouch!) and I didn't have anything really bother me at all today, and I like to think that it had to do with how my day started off.

My husband and I are sort of weird sleepers, we both talk in our sleep and he moves around in weird positions and I wake up in a sheer panic thinking that there are bugs of some sort in the bed every so often. Occasionally, when one is asleep the other will talk to them and it usually leads to some pretty hilarious conversations that the other party doesn't remember having in the morning.

 

Anyway, the past few nights I've been restless. I've been waking up 4-5 times a night just because my mind is busy, stress from school. Anyway, last night I was awake a good 4 times and the last time I woke up was around 3:30 in the morning. I sat up, checked the alarm clock to make sure its still set right, and then I heard "Hi sweetie" and I look over and there he is all spread out the wrong way on the bed, sleeping. I say hello back, and then I hear "I'm really proud of you. I love you so much."

 

It really touched my heart....I know its going to sound terrible, but I'm not really the type of person that hangs my hat on some words. People in my life say things to me all the time, and I smile and say thank you, but I don't believe them. To me it just seems sort of......fluffy. Sort of like those gaggles of highschool girls that used to run to each other in between class and say OMG I MISS YOU I LOVE YOU!!!! and then totally alienate and bully one of those "girls" that they love when they piss them off. I just think...yeah, the word love, sort of overused. People say things so often and in situations that don't call for it, it really sucks the meaning out of it.

 

So while he might tell me that he is proud of me, I sort of didn't really feel that until then. He is unconscious....he doesn't have a filter there to come up with socially appropriate responses. He just says what is in his brain or in his heart in that moment....and in that moment, that is what he felt. It made me so happy

To top it all off, when it was actually time to get up and I went to wake him up, he grabbed me, stripped me down, and then had his way with me. I can count the number of times on ONE hand that we've had sex in the morning...he's just not a morning guy, can't perform right away, but for whatever reason this morning was different.

 

Needless to say I feel pretty awesome today, I feel damn good about myself right now actually lol

Its funny how one person can be such a force in your world....

[sophie274]

Tatty: I don't know if you are still worried about school given that you did so well on all your tests (yay!), but if you are, are worried about failing, not measuring up ... talk so someone at school. I just cannot stress this enough. Talk to someone there (a professor, dean, department head). I suffered from severe depression in school, which made it extremely difficult for me to function and to do all my school work properly. I always hid out and buried my head in the sand, because I was sure that no one would understand and nothing could be done. But every time I sought help, I got it. People were SO understanding (and this was at a top, very competitive university). They helped me so much. I felt like my problems were huge and hugely embarrassing, but they have seen it all before and they know how it is. I just know you would feel so much better if you talked to someone at your university and got them on board.

 

About having a child, it sounds like you have some medical reasons to be worried or worried about timing. Again, don't fret about this alone, or even with just your husband. Ask a professional. Talk to your doctor. You may be worrying about a timeline or time limit that may not exist, or perhaps there's something you can do if you're not ready when the doctor recommends you get pregnant.

 

It just seems like you are taking on so much alone. I bet your husband would like to be able to support you more emotionally, but if you don't want to have him help you, there are people whose job it is to help, and they're just waiting to be given the opportunity.

[TattyK]

I know what you are saying, and you are right, I do have a hard time asking for help sometimes. I've gotten better about it, especially when it comes to the hubby, he pushes me hard for open communication and I need that so thats good, but I tend to have a natural tendency to do something on my own if I feel I can do it on my own. I only want to ask for help when I know I can't do it by myself, or I am stuck. Sometimes I even get frustrated if someone tries to jump in, because I feel like they're basically telling me I am not capable of doing this myself, it makes me feel childish. I know, I know, something to work on.

And I have talked to my instructors and other students there about it, it doesn't really help to be honest with you. For one, if this was just a matter of absorbing information and then regurgitating it on command that is something I can do fairly well. With this, however, I have to be able to recall that information on command without really thinking at a rate of speed that is quite higher then what most people would have to do. You are basically relying on your motor memory and your subconscious to carry you through....and that does not come natural to me. Its stressful, and it is a skill that needs to be learned in conjunction with all this information I am taking on. So needless to say, its very daunting. I also have performance anxiety that goes along with it, so when I have to perform this skill for a test I find I shake....its involuntary, totally mental, and I know that because just talking about it with my teachers caused my hands to shake and I didn't even notice it right away, it just happens. I know its fear, fear mixed with uncertainty. I like to do well, I try to do well, and when I do not do well I think I take it to heart then maybe others might. It chips away at my confidence very easily.....

And the other students I have spoken to about it, they are sort of in the same situation as me. Waking up at all hours of the night, panicking, crying, that sort of thing. They make it sound like it is normal and to be expected....and the only thing you can do, is share your pain. I get that, it is very therapeutic to talk it out, but I can "talk it out" if I need to with my husband, or rant on here, I don't want to unload on my classmates.

So, I think the only thing I can really do is just....one day at a time? Cry if I need to cry, vent if I need to vent, just drag my butt through it kicking and screaming inside if I have to, just get it done. Whether its this year, next year, year after that, its not going to "not" happen. It helps to tell myself that, it is GOING to happen, its just a matter of when.

And I did pass some tests that were weighing heavily on me, and it gave me quite a bit of confidence, I'm going to try and parlay that into next week and maybe build it up even more, so I can maybe squeak by this semester. Either way, I'm resolved to go to summer school and I might even go for two months. We shall see....it all comes down to cost, its like $500 a month so...that would be a grand ontop of whatever fees there are for next year. That doesn't include the parking costs either, aichewawa.

 

I think my issues about wanting to have a kid are probably layered.....in the end though, my biggest fear is that I will not be able to have one, like all my eggs will run out a month before we decide to try. I am otherwise healthy though, physically and reproductively, and so is he. Its just I only have one functional ovary because only one developed for whatever reason I guess, and he only has one functional testicle because I guess it didn't descend properly when he was a child so they had to do surgery on him to get it out of there....but the doctor told his mom that it was likely not functional. From what I was reading though not too long ago, it doesn't seem to matter that we both only have one, the literature I read said that it won't make a difference in terms of probability of conception or your timeframe of conception. So that really alleviated that fear quite a bit for me. I talked with him about it more, and this summer we are going to go about finding a family doctor so we can start taking all those pre-steps of getting things ready. We have a good naturopath, but she isn't able to do some things that a doctor can, or refer us to places like a doctor can. So we need to find one.....I also found a good birthing centre in this city and I think I am going to start saving for that option, its just over $1000 to do it there so thats another thing we are planning for too.

 

I think too much, I feel too much, and I shield some of that from the people in my life by occasionally dumping my thoughts somewhere in the internet where they can't hurt anybody. Its one thing to share your problems with your husband, its another to drag him down emotionally....so, I dunno, I'm going through some things with this schooling that is hard and I just try to find ways to vent or deal with it in a way that is as healthy as I can do. If thats writing down all my "woe as me" BS on this log, then so be it, at least my husband is happy to see me when he walks in the door?

[TattyK]

For the past months, off and on, I have distinct dreams where I am being chased in some sort of large building, like a hotel or a government building or something with a lot of rooms and doors and hallways and lots of very elaborate space-age looking elevators. There is usually a lot of other stuff going on as well, and at the end of the dream it usually ends up with me outside somehow in a way that allows me to see some sort of large catastrophic event taking place. The last time I remember one was being on the ground and seeing bombs and grenades being launched at the building, and it starting to come down. I start running into some tunnels and then I wake up. The time before that was I was on maybe the 20th floor and I run out onto a balcony and see a beautiful sunrise over a very tropical looking sort of setting, and the ground starts to shake and it literally splits the ground in two and a giant tidal wave comes looming forward and then I wake up.

I looked it up online finally on one of those "dream journal" websites and what it had to say made a lot of sense. I feel like there are a lot of changes happening for me, a lot of emotional goings-on.

The first and obvious being the schooling, which I feel like I am dealing with much better lately, but its still big. The second is mostly family stuff.

My husband has a wonderful, healthy family. He grew up in a stable home, two loving parents, no emotional scarring or trauma, just....Norman rockwell, really. I grew up in what I thought was a normal home, but found out later on in life it was not a normal home. It was strife with emotional abuse, alcoholism, neglect, and some questionable situations that could of resulted in someone getting seriously hurt or killed. Despite it all, I have always had this dream that one day I would have this family where on Sundays I could go over to my sisters and our children would play together and we'd make lunch while family sat around on the patio, we'd laugh and share stories and it would be comfortable and happy and peaceful.

Now, I feel like that is just not something I can have, at least in the way I have always seen it in my mind's eye. My mother is with a wonderful man, a man I think will make her so happy and is good for her. They are moving shortly to another province, far enough that a plane ride is what will be necessary to see her. Considering we live in the same city and I only see her maybe once every three months as it is, I can pretty much guarantee that this means I will maybe see her once a year.

My sister has declared that she is not interested in having children, ever. They want to live their lives together child-free, for each other. I am happy for her, but also am now mentally erasing her children from the happy patio scene in my mind. My children are now playing alone....

My brother is one of the sweetest, most caring, give you the shirt off his back kinda guy, funny individuals you will ever meet. He is also an alcoholic. He has had a problem with alcohol since he was about 13 years old. I talk to him about it, he is convinced he is too young to worry about this sort of thing (he is 22) and it isn't a problem. However, he cannot go a day without a drink, and his body is riddled with scars and injuries from incidents that would of never happened if alcohol had not been involved, and he doesn't see that.

He lives with my father, a *recovered alcoholic, and his step mother, a wonderfully sweet woman. I put an asterisk next to 'recovered alcoholic' because as of late I am extremely suspect of that. He drank all my life, and quit when was I around 17 or 18 years old. He quit cold turkey, and became successful in his life, and met a wonderful woman and married her and I just love her to pieces. Some things happened that sort of ruined him financially, or at least set him back majorly from where he was. Now he is running this business with my brother and his wife that, while doing very well, is also hard work and also seems to give them an excuse to have a few drinks at the end of the day.

Every time we come over to visit, alcohol has to be involved. Sometimes they just pour me a glass and hand to me, and I mostly feel its because so long as everybody else is drinking, then its okay for them to drink. Even if I don't have any, they still partake....

On larger family occasions (like this easter that just past) I am noticing that it is becoming more of an issue. My father gets a mouth on him when he drinks, and says hurtful things. Lately my step-sisters boyfriend and my husband have been the brunt of that wrath. He said some especially hurtful things this last dinner, like announcing to the entire table that my husband has a small penis. I didn't know what to say, am I supposed to jump up and say "NO he doesn't! He has a BIG penis! Shut up!!" Like some 8 year old? Am I supposed to react like a child? He has also said racist things to my step sisters boyfriend, to the point where it was uncomfortable for everybody in the room. Like....dead quiet.

Its to the point where my husband is starting to give me warning, like if he keeps it up he is going to crack him in the face and he wants me to know ahead of time so I don't feel bad. I don't want him to crack my father in the face, but I don't want my father to be an a**hole either.

I feel angry that he is letting himself slip again, I am angry that he gets his wife drunk so he can drink, and I am angry that he has an alcoholic son under his roof that he is not only allowing to drink but is letting him so that he can too.

It makes me angry. It makes me picture that scene of that happy family on the patio, and I just keep erasing things out of it. Its to the point where its just me and my husband and our kids and maybe a few others who are still sober enough to be there, or even want to be there.

Then they have to nerve to get uppity when I mention that he and I might move to where his family all is, on the other side of the Country. I want to, if there was work there we would be there in a heart beat. Plus his family would be so healthy for our kids to be around.....I feel like with my family, I am always explaining, excusing, ignoring, or apologizing for something. And this last event sort of crossed a line for me, I know my husband said he would never ask me to choose between him and a family member, but he has to know that he is my number one. I stand by him, am forming my world with him, and he does not deserve that treatment, even from my family. He has to know who I would choose. I shouldn't even have to say it.

 

Aside from all that emotional nonsense, I passed another test today and I felt pretty good about doing it too. I think It might even be totally realistic for me to pass now, not just 'maybe'. I am loving calling and leaving my husband that message saying "I passed it!" and knowing that it makes his day better to hear it. It takes some pressure off of my shoulders......I might even treat myself and just spend an hour watching old episodes of Reno 911! and painting my nails.

[TattyK]

Well today marks another trip around the sun, another day that exists to make me feel awkward and reflective. I'm never quite sure why this day is supposed to be special for me, I didn't do anything, my Mom did everything. To me it always felt like this is supposed to be a day for her, she remembers the day after all and she is the one that had to go through it. I didn't do anything, really, none of it was of my making or in my control whatsoever. I always feel like I am supposed to do or say something today that I never end up doing quite right, like I am disappointing her for not being more pumped about the day. I almost feel like by not being excited or happy about today, that I am hurting her feelings in a way, like I am spitting in the face of her accomplishment.

So awkward. So I try to avoid the phone, or people really, unless they are strangers.

Strangers don't care what day it is today, or expect me to say anything at all to them, let alone about the day. I went to the first part of my school today and felt relaxed, like I just blended into the crowd and nobody sees me.

I cut the day off early and came home, only to feel a bit anxious. I either feel awkward if I answer the phone, or sad if the phone never rings at all. I shouldn't have to FEEL anything. What a pointless day.

 

I find myself becoming restless knowing that school is done for this semester in a few short weeks, I want a break so bad I can taste it. It tastes like sweet sweet clementines, the taste of freedom. I sit in class and think about how badly I just want to get up and run away, run far away from all of that BS and just start again later in a month or two after I've had a chance to be a normal person for a while. I want to do something without getting graded on it, I want to sleep in on the weekends, I want to spend my evenings relaxing with my husband, I want to eat an actual breakfast that isn't in smoothie form, I want so many things I spend all day thinking about them.

I am also on day 8 or 9 now of no shampoo, I have to double check, but I know I passed the week mark. I've cheated a few times with dry shampoo, I'll admit, because I just couldn't take it. It's starting to get greasy now, although no flakes. I've decided to chop up a few old shirts I liked the pattern on and make some head scarves. I am going to start having to put it up, I can see in about 2 or 3 days this becoming unbearable to work with and leave down. My hair will sort of keep whatever shape you put it in, it's becoming a bit stiff, although it does make my hair appear thicker and it has more volume. Until you get close, and see that it looks greasy. So from 6 or 7 feet away, my hair looks great.

On a greasy scale, I'd say its approaching a 6/10.

[TattyK]

Apparently you cannot delete your profile, so I guess I will just leave it as it is. I'll make this my last post, and be done with it.

For a while now I have found that while therapeutic in some respect, I am generally finding my experiences to be rather....well.....frustrating here. Sometimes people are asking for real advice and all some seem to post is negative feedback, which I suspect comes from a very unhappy place in their own lives. Sometimes its just rude, catty, b*tchy, and generally "I am always right" sort of attitudes.

I find myself biting my tongue quite a bit, and generally don't offer advice simply because I know I'll end up being trolled to hell. Sometimes you are just not allowed to have your own opinion...

It somewhat smacks of high school, and I despise it. Instead of wasting anymore energy or hoping for things to become interesting or change, I figure I will be my own change and just leave. There is bound to be something that suits me, and has the energy I am looking for, not so negative, a little more open. Even in the content, I find sometimes posts were being deleted just because of the content, and the content itself was not illegal or something that should of been taken down, it just maybe didn't sit well with someones tastes and therefore it must unceremoniously be taken down. Once again, never complained, just bit my tongue.

I did get quite a bit of help from some people on here, and the help that comes mostly just from the feeling that comes with getting something out of your head and down in words. I thank you for that...

Otherwise, Au Videsen.