janut1 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Update Guy #2 We communicate every day and last night we chatted till almost midnight. He called me sweetie last night which was cute. He had mentioned on Monday that he wanted to take dancing lessons which would of started last night, but I had other plans with my son, so I had to decline. I felt kind of sad that I had to say no but I do have other things going on in my life especially when my kids are home. We decided to try for next Tuesday, although I pulled a muscle in my back and am in pain right now, hopefully I will feel better by next Tuesday. Today we were supposed to meet for a quick coffee during our work day, but he had to cancel because he is working on a job in another county and it wasn't going well, in fact he said they were having a very bad day at the site. He has his own plumbing business and I knew about the job and it was a big mess to begin with so I wasn't surprised that he had to cancel. He told me he will tell me about it later. I said Okay, thanks for letting me know I hope your day goes better. But my crazy mind...my first thought I had when he cancelled today was...he doesn't want to see me! Oh no, something is wrong. But I realized quickly that this feeling is from past relationships and has nothing to do with him at all. Im glad I was able to recognize this in myself quickly and work through it so I am able to relax and not obsess over it for hours like I normally would. Thank goodness for my therapist, she is really helping me recognize patterns, and feelings and teaching me how to deal with them when they pop up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Perfectly normal to feel concerned and glad you could resolve it quickly -sounds like things are going well! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 Update Guy #2 Wow did he have a difficult day - he told me all that happened to him today at work and with his employee too. Just one thing after another My day was very boring compared to his, but we all have days like that. Anyway, he immediately asked me out for lunch tomorrow, so my fears were very unwarranted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 Update Guy #2 We had a really nice lunch. I took extra time for lunch and we just walked around some stores and talked the whole time. He makes me laugh and he has a great sense of humor. We hugged for a very long time today, it felt really good. Today I looked at him and thought, he is not a bad looking guy he has nice green eyes and I got a tingly feeling. The attraction for me is growing, which is awesome! I like where this is headed. He talked to his mom last night and told his mom about me. I thought that was cute. I wonder what he told her. Anyway, he invited me to his moms birthday party. So I guess I will be meeting the parents soon. He also asked me if I would like to take a bike ride tomorrow and play basketball - which will be fun. I don't do much basketball, but I'll try anything once. We never seem to leave each other without another plan which is very comforting to me. I never wonder when I will see him again. I like that he likes to do activities and he is not a small guy, so its good for both of us to get exercise and have fun together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Oh janut. . sounds like a great start Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 Update Guy #2 Wow, what a day we had today. We walked, took my dog to the dog park, played basketball and then went on a bike ride. Im exhausted. While we were riding bikes, I felt the opening to ask him some questions that I should of asked sooner, but hey, at least I finally did. I asked him if he was dating anyone else right now, he said Me? No, are you? I said I was when I first met you, but not right now. I asked him are you looking for a friend or a relationship. He said a friend first, and a relationship. He said that he has moved to fast in the past and really wants to get to know someone before getting into a relationship but that is his goal. He asked me what I was looking for and I told him a relationship. I was honest cause thats what I want. We both agreed that getting to know someone is the best first move though and Im fine with that. My past relationships have moved way to fast and I feel this is a much healthier way to get to know someone. Then I asked him if he liked me... I know that was kind of strange question, but we have only hugged so I was curious. He said Yes I like you. I said I was just curious because we haven't touch except for a hug and thats why I thought maybe you are just looking for a friend. He laughed! He explain again about going to fast with someone and he wants to get to know someone first this time. So I said, I know I don't know you that well, but I was just wondering if you are not an affectionate person. He said yes he is and he loves to hug and kiss. I said I hope it was okay to ask you these questions. He said feel free to ask me anything any time. So we got back from our bike ride, sat and talk for awhile more about other stuff, and then he left. We walk out side, he asks if I want to see him tomorrow and I said sure. He is going to see his grand babies and will come by after. So thats cool. He gives me a really nice long hug and he finally kisses me and it was a nice kiss! WOW, I guess he listened to what I said. I felt the chemistry for sure, which is good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I don't think he is acting like a platonic friend. What is wrong with developing a friendship while dating someone? Isn't that what you two are doing? Or does he mean you are "friends" until you have intercourse? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 I don't think he is acting like a platonic friend. What is wrong with developing a friendship while dating someone? Isn't that what you two are doing? Or does he mean you are "friends" until you have intercourse? Yes that's is what we are doing. There is nothing wrong with what we are doing. It actually feels good to get to know him first. Which as you know I don't usually do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Yes that's is what we are doing. There is nothing wrong with what we are doing. It actually feels good to get to know him first. Which as you know I don't usually do. I just was questioning why he called it a "friendship" when you two clearly are going on dates. Getting to know each other by dating before sex -sure- perfectly fine, normal, etc -but that's not "friends first". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 Oh he just said he didn't want to rush into something without getting to know someone first. But today things have changed. My talk yesterday spurred him to be more affectionate, so things are moving forward nicely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Update Guy #2 We have now been on 6 dates in a spam of 2 weeks. It seems like a lot, but only a 2 were longer. The others were lunch, a movie, just a couple of hours. I think its moving at a good pace. We talk a lot and I got to know him even better on Saturday too. He is a good communicator. The first date he was talking over me, but he doesn't do that anymore. It was probably nerves that day. I told him yesterday that if I feel okay, I've had allergies or a cold, I can't figure out which it is, that I would like to cook him dinner this week. He loves home cooked food of course and he was really happy about that offer. So that will be fun to do with him. He does most of the initiating of dates, and text/calls, I have step up a bit, but I'm being careful not to go overboard as I want him to lead. I know there is chemistry now, which I wasn't sure of before. So, now my question is - when and if we decide to be intimate, I need to tell him that I don't sleep with other men once that happens. I am a one women man, I can't sleep with multiple men, its just not in my nature. I guess you call this the exclusivity talk? I don't like that word though as it seems Im pushing a relationship. I don't want to rush this and label it and I don't want to scare him away. What is the best way to bring that up when and if we decide to move forward? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 While you're fully dressed and sober you tell him "I'm ready to be intimate with you but it has to be monogamous -how do you feel about that?" (When this discussion came up I also discussed testing, timing of when his last relationship was as far as accuracy of HIV testing and I thought it was essential to know what he would want if I were to get pregnant and communicate my feelings on the subject). It's not about labeling -it's about your physical and emotional health and safety so please don't apologize about the discussion and keep it short and to the point -no need to tell him about what you've done or not done in the past - this is who you are now, take it or leave it. If it scares him away do you really want that person inside your body? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 While you're fully dressed and sober you tell him "I'm ready to be intimate with you but it has to be monogamous -how do you feel about that?" (When this discussion came up I also discussed testing, timing of when his last relationship was as far as accuracy of HIV testing and I thought it was essential to know what he would want if I were to get pregnant and communicate my feelings on the subject). It's not about labeling -it's about your physical and emotional health and safety so please don't apologize about the discussion and keep it short and to the point -no need to tell him about what you've done or not done in the past - this is who you are now, take it or leave it. If it scares him away do you really want that person inside your body? Thank you! This is really great advice. We are too old for babies, so that will not be necessary discussion. But the rest is 100% awesome. And yes, if it scares him I don't want to continue to see him anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 I also wanted to say that I am feeling scared about this whole intimacy thing. I think it is because of my history with men lately. After I have sex with someone I become attached. I wish I wasn't that way. I worry about becoming a FWB. I don't want that again so I wonder how do you prevent that? But a FWB is almost like a relationship, you hang out with each other and have sex. So whats the difference between a FWB and a relationship? Maybe Im just over thinking the whole thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I think it's too soon to be worried about intimacy. I mean, he said he wants to take things slow and you, obviously, want to take things slow, too. A FWB, by the way, is not like a relationship. It's someone you don't go on dates with and you just happen to have sex once in a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 To me an FWB is someone you have a really close friendship with and then you decide to have sex whenever you both feel like it. If you start having sex with someone you are dating then it's casual sex unless you're exclusive. If you're in a relationship it's because you think there might be long term potential and it might or might not include having sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Darlin, it took him 4 dates to give you some sort of clue as to what he was looking for - I think you'll be okay and you'll know when the time is right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Well that all makes sense. Yes MM, we are taking things slow, but things heated up on our last date. I am now thinking ahead to if and when this happens. I really am not sure Im ready because I am scared of making yet another mistake. I'm finding that Im getting attached already and I didn't want to do that either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 It doesn't necessarily need to be an `exclusivity talk' early on but more an opportunity for you to share your values.. .which is paramount. You state it in such a way that you aren't asking him for exclusivity or monogamy, just stating your needs. At which time you do decide to be intimate then you ask if you are on the same page and then have the exclusivity talk. . .but by the sounds of it, it's too soon but I understand why you are having these questions. Until the time comes, enjoy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 Update Guy #2 We talked for a couple hours last night. He had a really bad day with his daughter. So instead of going dark like my other guy in the first post of this journal did, he talked it out with me. So even though he had a bad day, he is still open, honest and willing to share his feelings. I like that. Im still not feeling great. I want to see him but don't want to share my illness with him. I hope Im better by the weekend so I can cook dinner for him like I planned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 Since I have been OLD, I hear a lot of stuff from men about what happens on their end when they make dates with women. Its very interesting. Men in my age range say that they find that most women do not like it if they have kids. One man I dated said that his date actually asked him to choose between her or his son. I was like WOW! I guess because I have kids, that doesn't bother me. Then I thought, I prefer men who have kids, not babies, but older kids are fine. I also prefer if they have had a LTR or been married. It shows me that they have been in a committed relationship. Then I thought I bet there are men who look at my profile and don't move forward because I have kids. Guy #1 was never married and did not have kids. I found that we had very little in common and would watch how much I talked about my kids- thats not good. Also they have told me that women usually don't show up for the first meeting, and never text them or tell them they won't be there. So no shows happen a lot. I go no matter what, but if there is a issue, I would let them know I won't make it or need to reschedule. Its just a easy thing to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I don't think having kids means you want to hear a lot about the other person's kids -depends on whether you're the kind of person who finds other people's kids interesting (especially if you've never met them). Certainly you might have certain parenting issues in common depending on the ages of your children. I try not to talk about my child a lot even to people who have children because I want to have a more well-rounded conversation and learn something about the person that has nothing to do with being a parent. I witnessed a first meet the other day at a coffee shop - they were in their early 30s seemed like -she was nicely dressed and well-groomed, he not as much. I thought she used that popular newish adjective "super" far too much - probably due to nervousness from al lI could tell. The meet lasted about an hour. It would have been cool to be able to talk to her privately and coach her but obviously that's unrealistic! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 Its not about talking about your kids on and on. Its just about having that in common. People with kids understand the challenges that they bring. So its common ground. My grandson is 7 and my daughter is dating a man who doesn't have kids, but he treats him really well. She did tell me that she wished he had kids, but since he is good with him, it works for them. Funny about that first meet! I bet you would of loved to coach her. You have so much experience, you could probably do that for a living! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Its not about talking about your kids on and on. Its just about having that in common. People with kids understand the challenges that they bring. So its common ground. My grandson is 7 and my daughter is dating a man who doesn't have kids, but he treats him really well. She did tell me that she wished he had kids, but since he is good with him, it works for them. Funny about that first meet! I bet you would of loved to coach her. You have so much experience, you could probably do that for a living! I had a baby at 42. Before that I had lots of experience with children -as a teacher, an Aunt, a volunteer, a nanny, a babysitter. I didn't appreciate the narrow view some parents have that unless you're a parent you don't understand at all what it's like to be in that role. I agree that there are certain situations where unless you are the parent it might be difficult to relate but even though I am a parent now I don't believe we have a monopoly on "getting it" and we are doing a disservice to ourselves because I know I learn a lot about parenting situation from non-parents. It's the same with other situations - deciding the other person can't get it because the other person never experienced whatever it is first-hand. It really can broaden your world to get rid of that kind of assumption -and it's all good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 Of course there are always exceptions. Not everyone has the experience you do, but that would be a plus if a man I dated had a background with kids. I have dated men with and without kids. Some men with kids become overly kid focused for reasons like guilt for not being there and/or the "Disneyland dad" that goes overboard with trips and gifts. Others have normal relationships with them. Its just another factor to consider with OLD. Everyone is different of course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.