Online dating again journal

[janut1]

Finally feel alive again after 2 days off. Im not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow though. Uggh. 2 days go real fast. I got a lot of things done and now feel a bit caught up. I am paying all my debt off and cannot wait to be debt free. The only thing Ill have left is my car payment if I chose to buy it. Whew... what a relief.

 

I've been thinking about my X lately, and realized that its been 6 months since I broke up with him. WOW time sure flies. I never heard from him after that either. Sometimes when I think about him, I have a conversation with him in my mind letting him know how he made me feel. I never really expressed to him how bad I felt when I was with him. How small he made me feel, how I felt so unappreciated and unloved. It really doesn't matter anymore, but if he ever reached out, I would make sure to let him know. I gave him way to much of myself and my time and that is something I am learning about myself. When I like someone I go all in. I want to do for them, help them, take care of them if they need me. I need to stop that and only do it when I feel reciprocation. The thing with him is he would do that for me at times, so I thought that meant he liked me, but I think he liked me sometimes and not so much other times. It was definitely a hot/cold relationship. I never want to feel like that again. I would cry all the way home after seeing him cause I felt so unloved and couldn't wait to get home. I never felt totally welcomed even though he invited me to his house. The sitting on opposite sides of the couch, never hardly touching me or being affectionate, wondering every day if he had any feelings for me. If I didn't hear from him, I would get so emotional because I thought that meant he was going to break up with me again. All this stuff that pointed to a unhappy relationship.. and what did I do for way to long? I stuck with it hoping it would get better someday. Oh brother...I wasted way to much time on that man.

 

I hope some day I can not think of him at all. It makes me sad that 1 year after we met, he was still not even close to having feelings for me. I think he like the companionship, but didn't want a full relationship with me. Oh well, all I can hope for is I learned something from that relationship and carry that knowledge when I get into another relationship.

[janut1]

I found out yesterday, that one of the guys I dated and wrote about in this journal died of cancer a couple days ago. I wrote about him recently because I texted him to check in to see how he was knowing that he had a scan coming up for his skin cancer. They check every year. I didn't get a answer, so I texted again about 4 days later and got a message from his so called "fiance" to stop texting him. I was shocked when I heard the news, he was only 57. It wasn't the skin cancer that caused it, they apparently found more cancer and it was too late for treatment. Wow, life is short. I will definitely miss him as he had become a good friend. He supported me though my foot surgery, he would call and text to check in and surprised me on Christmas eve by stopping by with a dozen beautiful roses all different colors. He was a good guy. What a loss.

 

The guy that I started to date then he moved two hours away is getting the heave ho. Since he moved he has been saying, Ill come up and see you 3 times a week, and you can come up once in awhile. Then nothing happens. I talked to him about stringing me along and how this is not working for me. I need to at least see him once a week. Then he says, yes that will happen and it never does. I decided its not worth waiting for any longer. I don't want a long distance relationship. He is a odd guy too. Some of his stories are like What? So back to the dating sites...

 

I met a new man on line. He is my age, lives in my town and has his stuff together. The only downside so far is he has never been married and does not have children. I always wonder why men don't get married and why. But my best friend is 60 and has never been married or had kids and she is a great person, it just never happened for her. So I will give this a chance and see how it goes. So far we have a lot in common in all other things and we are meeting next week because my work schedule is so crazy. I only had one day off and Im closing the store a lot. Uggh!

[Ms Darcy]

>The only downside so far is he has never been married and does not have children. I always wonder why men don't get married and why. But my best friend is 60 and has never been married or had kids and she is a great person, it just never happened for her. So I will give this a chance and see how it goes.

 

I think giving it a chance is the right thing, if you are interested.

 

Sometimes it just never happens for some people. And that's pretty much it.

[janut1]

Finally met with the guy I met on line. We have been texting and talking every night for a couple weeks, which is NOT the best before meeting for sure. I was a bit concerned that we would not like each other in person with all that fantasy crap that can happen.

 

We met for coffee. He made me laugh and has lots of stories. Talks so much I hardly get a word in edge wise, which bothered me a little. When I met him I was like WOW, thats a very big man. He looked nicer looking in person and Im not looking for gorgeous, just a nice man. He wears suspenders which is funny and old school and he looks older then me even though we are the same age. For some reason he showed me his DL, so I know he is my age. But I guess maybe other women have question his age? Not sure. He told me I had pretty hair and he thought I was nice looking which was nice.

 

Anyway, I gave him a hug at the end of the meeting. We planned on going out to the bay today, which I was looking forward to, but he cancelled. He takes care of his father because he has dementia, and he told me his dad wanted to run a bunch of errands today, which could be true, but my gut is telling me he is lying. I have to admit Im disappointed he cancelled. Im not going to wait around for him and keep dating for sure. It just takes me a hour or two to think this though and then let it go.

 

There are a couple red flags with him already. He was dating a gal, but she never wanted to have sex with him, so they became friends. She still hangs out with him on some weekends because she likes to help take care of his dad. According to him, she never wants to do anything with him and hardly talks to him when she is there. She spends the night too, which is what really gets me. Why spend he night when you live close by? He told me she doesn't like night driving... Okay weird. He says she tells him to find someone else to date because they have nothing in common. If they are truly friends then great, but she was there on Saturday and he hardly communicated with me, and I felt he was sneaking around. I questioned him about there relationship and he really doesn't get why this could be a problem for me. I think I went too far with my questions and he got irritated. We almost didn't meet over this, but I was just trying to understand why he keeps her around if there is nothing between them. My friend thinks this is all odd too and told me that she wonders if this gal is more interested in dad for financial reasons. She used to work in the caregiving field and has seen caregivers take advantage of older people to get on the will or money. I told him to look at it from my side and he finally understood, but man that was a tough conversation. I can tell this women will be around no matter what and I have to either deal with it or not.

 

He likes to have a nightly call with me, which is okay, but they sometimes go on way to long. He loves to talk. If I am not in the mood to talk on the phone he tends to get upset, but in a very passive way. He'll say something like, you didn't want to talk to me last night, so guess you are too busy for me. Sometimes I just want to chill and watch tv and then go to bed. I tell him that but it doesn't seem to matter. He wants what he wants and seems pushy at times. I love to communicate and so does he, so thats a good thing because we match with that, but there are times I need to chill for a couple of hours.

 

The other thing is he told me he hurt his back and damaged nerves so at 56 he has ED and has a hard time getting things going. I also noticed he has that skin discoloration where your skin has lighter spots? I don't know what its called, but he has it a bit on his face. Its not that bad, but Im sure he has it on his body too. He is retired now because of his back and seems to be doing fine financially as he has nice things, so that is not a issue. He owns a home in another city here and is staying with his dad to help him. His dementia is getting worse and he almost burned down his house.

 

I think I have to chill out and just take this for what it is. We are not in a relationship and at this point, are just friends. Maybe its best just to stay friends or just see where it goes.

 

My friend thinks I should just ghost him, Im not a fan of that and hate when people do that to me so I won't do that. But I will lay back and see what he does.

[notalady]

The female "friend" whom he met through dating and is too close for comfort plus the passive aggression about phone calls would be enough red flags for me to call it off. Not to mention the health issues.

[janut1]

The female "friend" whom he met through dating and is too close for comfort plus the passive aggression about phone calls would be enough red flags for me to call it off. Not to mention the health issues.

 

I agree with you 100%. I am moving on. We still talk, but he hasn't ask me out again and I am not interested in him romantically anyway. ED was one thing, then the other women, another thing. The other thing is at 56 he looks like he is in his mid 60's and the longest relationship he has had is 2 years. Thats not very long for a 56 yo man. Oh well...

 

I have a first meet with another man on Thursday so we shall see how that goes. I have others I am starting to connect with, so my options are opening up which is good. I'm learning not to get attached to soon. Meet quick and move on if its not a match. My new mantra. LOL

[notalady]

Agree with your new mantra for sure lol... it helps you to stay unattached and objective when you date multiple people.

[janut1]

Well tonight is my meet up with the new guy. Im not even nervous, which is odd. He is okay looking, but he seems to have issues with texting or something. He messages me on the OLD site even though he has my cell number and can text me and actually has. We also talked briefly on the phone on Tuesday. I talked to my friend about it thinking I should cancel because he seems almost too polite or odd because of that. She laughed at me and said just go, its just a drink no big loss either way. So I am going, again not that excited about it, but its too late to cancel now as I am meeting him in 1 hour. Maybe Im being too harsh but wow, text me dude, don't message me on OLD.

 

I still talk to the other guy every day when he reaches out and today I pretty much let him know I see him as a friend. He wants to talk to me every day, but hasn't attempted to ask me out again. So I think he is only looking for a friend at this point and thats fine with me. I don't see it going anywhere else with all his health issues anyway.

 

Well, I will update after my meeting. May be back in 1 hour lol.

[janut1]

Well I had a great time last night. I guess I need not judge people by their texting ability LOL. He is older then me, but a nice gentleman. He had water waiting for me at the restaurant and immediately ask me if I would like a margarita or something to drink. I said sure to the margarita as long as it is over rocks. He said I like it that way too! So off to a great start. We talked about all kinds of things. He is a old rock and roller, loves music like me and played flute like me. Lots of things in common. He had very nice kind eyes. He is a very mellow guy. We had a appetizer then he ordered food. We both love wine tasting and restaurant exploring so we talked about that a bit too. He has two pugs so he likes dogs, which is good. I have a crazy dog, well she is getting better now that she is two. He said he was so happy to meet me a few times during the night. He did lose his wife to breast cancer, kind of a sad part of our conversation. He said it was very hard and she was a very special lady. In a way thats refreshing since most men are divorced that I meet and some talked badly about their X's.

 

He then asked me if I was free this weekend. I reminded him that I work weekends now and my days off are mid week. He said great, would you like to go to this winery with me on your day off? I said sure so we are set for a wine tasting at a winery he is a member of. He walked me to my car and we hugged goodbye.

 

He texted me last night to say he enjoyed the time with me, and I said the same. And he wished me good morning today.

 

I like him, not sure of any chemistry, but he was fun to talk to and be with and sometimes it takes me more then one meeting to feel that chemistry.

 

There's another man I speak too here and there on POF that I feel more attracted too but he hasn't asked me to meet yet, so not sure that is going anywhere. Its weird, men come and go on OLD. Some push to meet some just fade before even meeting. I guess thats just the nature of the game.

[janut1]

Im talking to 3 men right now.

 

1. Mr C. He is the one I spoke about that has health issues and we are just friends. Im totally cool with the other girl that he has over and all that crap so I know that I don't see him as a potential partner. I've written enough about him here and won't go on in detail. He says good morning to me every day and sometimes reaches out in the evening. I've pretty much nixed the nightly call as I don't want to waste time with him when I know its going no where.

 

2. Mr P. He is new, 67, which is kind of old for me, but he looks my age. Found out he has lots of drama going on with his X, and at his age has 8 YO twins. He has 6 kids total and 3 grandkids. Big family. He still works and is busy raising kids and dealing with his X that left him for her lover. All which is more drama then I want to deal with right now. I have zero drama and like it that way. He and I talk almost everyday via text. Again, just a friend and I don't see this going anywhere.

 

3. Mr B. He is the one I went out with last Thursday. He is a widower. He lost his wife to cancer which is really sad. He has two grown daughters, 2 dogs and is very mellow. I like him the most. We have a second date tomorrow and I am excited to see him. We are going wine tasting at a winery he is a member of. The only issue with him is he doesn't communicate as much as the other two. I know I shouldn't base anything on how often someone texts, but he did more before and after our first date and now he has slowed that way down. Of course Im wondering if that means he has met someone else. Of course we are all multi-dating so if he did, I hope to find out tomorrow. I think Im going to ask him why he has been so quiet and see what he says. My schedule sucks and he has wanted to meet with me more, but I can't and I wonder if that is a problem even though he says its not. He is home healing from a fractured ankle, so he isn't working right now so his schedule is open. He did confirm tomorrows date, so it is on. Of course this is early days and who knows where it is going. He said we could be good friends and maybe thats all he wants too. He did touch my hand a few times and did say he had lots of fun with me. But OLD is fickle and things change rapidly, so who knows.

[Ms Darcy]

None of those seem like options.

[janut1]

None of those seem like options.

 

I disagree. We've had 1 really nice meet up. I think Mr. B is a good guy so far. No red flags yet. I will talk to him about what I need for communication if we continue to date.

[janut1]

I have been on 3 dates with Mr B and the forth is on Saturday. I am starting to like this man, and its going well. BUT, his sister asked him to move to Florida to get a fresh start and to get away from memories of his wife. He still lives in the home that they bought together 5 years ago. What a beautiful home too. His wife had great taste, the house seems like its staged its that lovely. Makes my home look like a dump with all my hand me downs.

 

Anyway, so he is going to Florida at the end of October to check it out for a month while staying with his sister. I am trying not to get to attached to him, but its hard. He is the sweetest guy, nicer then anyone I have dated since my divorce. He is affectionate, which is important to me and a gentleman in all respects. He pays for everything even though I offer to pay. When we went wine tasting, he bought me a bottle of my favorite wine. I keep telling myself NO SEX because I don't want to have sex with him and then have him move to Florida. Right now his thoughts are meh about moving - he's not feeling it one way or another. This trip will allow him to make the decision to leave CA or not. Just my luck I finally meet someone I like and he might be moving far away. Just puts a damper on the whole thing really.

 

Just a funny side note: I catch myself sitting far away from him because thats how it was with my X BF. We always sat far away from each other and my X was not affectionate at all. Mr B will say, come sit by me and likes to hold hands and be close. I guess I was trained well with my X. LOL

 

We talk about it quite a bit and I told him I wasn't happy to hear that , but understand that he has to do whats right for him. I have no claims to him or how he lives his life. He told me he likes me and really enjoys our time together too. We get along well and laugh a lot. Its just fun being with him. Time will tell.

 

So I am trying to be open to dating others and just having fun with him until he makes his decision.

[janut1]

Had another great date with Mr B last night. We are definitely getting cozy with each other. I have to say I am not used to someone who likes to be affectionate and close. He is so sweet, kind and loving. We talked about being exclusive and I told him I like to only date one man at a time and if he decides to stay, I would be happy to be exclusive with him. Im giving myself the space for his trip to Florida and his decision that he has to make to date others if the opportunity arises. But, let me just say, this is the first man I have dated in a very long time that is so honest, upfront and kind. I almost feel like its a dream. Hopefully he stays here in CA.

[Batya33]

Is there any way you could manage long distance?

[janut1]

Is there any way you could manage long distance?

 

I guess if there is a will theres a way, but we are talking CA to FL. It would require long flights to see each other. He did say he was going to put me in his trunk and bring me with him. LOL . I can't move right now I still have a daughter under 18 and my family is all here. It would be a huge change for me to go, but not totally out of the question in a year or two.

[janut1]

Things are going great with Mr B. We had a great couple of days right before he left for Florida. I miss him already and he says he misses me too. Before he went, he really didn't want to go. He also told me that moving to Florida is not his number 1 choice right now. He knows that it will take a lot to move there including selling his home and furnishing, finding a new job, shipping cars, selling furniture, its not just a easy move. But the real thing is he has met me and wants to stay where I am. I thought that was sweet.

 

I have a month to wait for him to return. We are communicating daily while he is away. Just crazy how I met a really great guy and then he goes away for a month. Wish he was here with me, but this will give him a good idea if he really wants to move to Florida or not.

[janut1]

Well Mr B has been away for over 2 weeks now and him and his sisters family are on a cruise right now. Before the cruise we would talk at least once a day even if it was a quick text or call. He went on the cruise and I haven't heard a word since the day he left. This has definitely brought up some fear that he is ghosting me, found someone he likes on the cruise or decided to stay there and not come back. Of course he has to come back even if he did decide to move there because he has a house and animals to deal with. My mind is going crazy with thoughts that are not healthy at all.

 

Part of me knows he is on vacation and yes on a cruise. I know I don't need to hear from him every day, but I wonder if this is it for us. If we are done now. Why do I go there? I talked to my manager about this a bit yesterday because we are pretty close now. He told me to stop stressing out, that he is on a cruise and that doesn't mean he has left me. He is probably right, but I guess I just got used to hearing from him every day and now nothing for almost 3 days.

 

This separation didn't happen at a good time for me. We haven't really established a foundation since we only have dated for a month before he left. He says he misses me, and say's a lot of very nice things to me. He even has said that he didn't want me to be here sitting on pins and needles wondering if he was going to move there or not. At that point he was pretty sure he was not going to move and gave me all the reasons why. That he cares for me and wants to continue seeing me and see where this goes. He is happy he met me. He's told me a couple times that he is not the type of guy who just disappears and he won't do that to me, then I think it could all be BS and he could be just saying that. I don't have any reason to not trust him, but Ive been around and know things can change on a dime.

 

I guess Im already attached to him, which scares me. I have been working, hanging with friends and even went to a lobster/steak dinner meetup with my friend that was a lot of fun. Im not just sitting around, but this is weighing on my mind quite a bit and I really just feel sad.

[Batya33]

It's hard not to hear from someone but he is on vacation and on a cruise so just let it be - you two are not yet serious and there is no pressing reason for him to contact you while he's on a cruise. Sit tight and try to distract yourself!

[janut1]

It's hard not to hear from someone but he is on vacation and on a cruise so just let it be - you two are not yet serious and there is no pressing reason for him to contact you while he's on a cruise. Sit tight and try to distract yourself!

 

Yes you are right, thanks for saying something I needed to hear. I did hear from him last night after he got home. He was sick the whole cruise and they actually quarantined him so the cruise was a not fun. For other reasons, he is coming home a week early, so Im happy about that.

[janut1]

Things are moving along. Mr B will be back home this Tuesday and already asked to see me on Tuesday. I thought he would be too tired after a long flight but its so cool that he wants to see me as soon as he gets back. I have missed him and its been hard for me to have him so far away. Our relationship has been in a sort of stand still, although we have texted and talked on the phone. One thing about him, he tells me how he feels and that is a breath of fresh air for me. There is NO guessing about us, no wondering where he stands and he has already told me that if he stays in CA, he wants a relationship with me. I do too. He is the nicest, cutest sexist man I have been with in a long time. He is 6 years older then me and maybe that comes with maturity, but it is really great so far.

 

He finally told me his decision for moving. He is not going to do it. He wants to be in CA with me and he really has a nice home and friends etc. He would have to start all over there and he is not in love with FL and said it doesn't feel like home to him. I was very happy to hear that since this has been a issue for me as far as moving forward with him if he was going to eventually move to the other side of the states. Long distance has been hard and I couldn't imagine doing this for a few years.

 

On another note, I have been having dreams about my X BF and have seen him a couple of times in town. Once in his work truck. I drove right by him and decided to take a good look at him when I drove by. He looks the same, scattered and such as he was driving. I just bought another car, because my lease was up so he doesn't know my car now. Then this morning, I was on my way to get my nails done and I saw his suburban with his business name on it, thats how I know it was him, parked outside a duplex complex and my heart sank. I get a physically ill feeling when I see him, it takes about 1 hour to get over that feeling and it really bothers me. He might be dating someone here in town, which really sucks. I DO NOT want to run into him any time soon. My friend thinks I will eventually get over that feeling and I am praying I will soon. I know he treated me terribly and he was never emotionally honest and never affectionate. I wonder if this feeling is because I think it was just me he was that way with because he didn't like me or something and will be completely different with someone else. In the year we were together, he only told me he appreciated me and I was nice. But that was very rare, he never sat next to me and rarely held my hand. Everything was about him and his X wife and his daughter. The only nice thing he did for me was help me when I had surgery, which I did thank him for many times, and yes I know me taking this for a year was my fault and I should of left sooner. Sex was awful, again very selfish, never about me all about him. So I have mixed feelings. Will he be different with another women, was it me? I guess I will never know. I just wish he wasn't here in my town and stayed in his own town but I don't control that stuff.

[janut1]

I didn't sleep well again last night. Seems my mind is just to busy working on how to handle things and Im tired. I need to get some rest tonight. I thought about my XBF and how I am reacting and reached out to my friend and daughter about it to try and just get my thoughts out. It still is bothering me. I can't figure out why I am holding on to the memories and the hurt. Its been 8 months since I broke up with him, and we were only together for 12 months, so this should not bother me at all that he is dating someone and if I see him in town, that should not matter either.

 

My daughter said something that made so much sense, people stay in their cycles, they do the same thing over and over again, just with different people. She said, Mom, you don't want him anyway you need to just let this be. She said she would feel sorry for the new women if he is dating again, because she will have the same experience I did. That is probably true. I do try to learn from my mistakes, but some people never change and he was definitely set in his ways. But, my brain says, she is probably beautiful and he is in awe of her and is making her feel loved and secure, something I never felt with him. I knowI have to leave this be. Im trying to change my thoughts as soon as they come up so I can move on. I also need to put this energy into Mr B because he is coming home tomorrow. And maybe when he is back, I won't be so obsessed over my thoughts about my XBF. HOPE SO!!!

[janut1]

So excited and a bit nervous today! Mr B is coming home...he is actually in the air right now. I am nervous because I haven't seen him in 3 weeks first of all, so it feels like meeting him the first time again. I am also so busy this week because of work and Thanksgiving so I am not sure how much I can see him so tonight is pretty much the only free night I have until next Monday.

 

Im hosting Thanksgiving and of course that means a lot of pressure in terms of preparation, cooking etc. Im looking forward to having more time to spend with him and can't wait to hear all about his trip when I see him.

[Batya33]

Have fun!!

[janut1]

What a lovely evening I had with Mr B I got to his house and I could tell he was a bit jet lagged but we were both so happy to see each other.

 

He talked about his trip while we drank a glass of wine. Then we went out to a really nice dinner and continued to talk about his trip and what I did while he was gone.

 

We went back to his house talked a bit more and then we had sex. My goodness Im still in awe of the beautiful time we had. It was something I have never experienced before in my years being married and dating. It was so close intimate and so passionate. I knew there was chemistry but this surpasses that. I am truly happy I met this man he is amazing. And yes we are exclusive.