Batya33 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I don't think you're playing games. To me silence =lack of interest. Let that be your closure -it works so much better that way so you don't waste time seeking "closure". I wouldn't check up on someone after 3 dates who isn't feeling well unless he was very sick on the date and you were worried that he made it home safely. I think you called to see if he was interested not to see how he was feeling,right? We can agree to disagree - I'm just giving my opinion based on my dating experiences and what worked and didn't. You might have a very different experience. Never mentioned perfection or not making mistakes. I'm glad you didn't get too attached to him -this way you can meet someone who is into you and you're not having to speculate/analyze what happened, you'll know because he'll call and ask you out on dates - no need to ask about "interest". i was talking about a needy impression not whether you yourself are needy, by the way. I don't think you seem needy -I think your interaction by texting him probably gave that impression. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Okay - I guess Im just one that needs closure. Thats where the thick skin comes in that I don't have yet and yes silence is a good indicator, even though I hate it. I didn't call, I texted. Yea he was in major pain on Sunday, but yes that was the opening for me to ask. Not happy that you think my interaction was needy. I never want to come accross needy. Blah I have to say yes to your comment about finding someone that I don't have to speculate/analyze what is happening. Guy #2 is like that so far. No need to even worry about if he likes me or not, he shows it on a regular basis. I think my issue is I like men who are not available and are more of a challenge. Im working on that with my therapist and am seeing her today. I will post her thoughts after that appointment today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I used to like unavailable men too. I then found excitement in men who were available and confident -not available in a doormat/passive way. That is excellent that you know that about yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 I used to like unavailable men too. I then found excitement in men who were available and confident -not available in a doormat/passive way. That is excellent that you know that about yourself. So now that I "screwed up" with Guy #1 - I feel like I would be embarrassed to see him again if he ever asks me out. Yea I know that about myself. My first husband was very unavailable - not sure how I got him to marry me LOL. But he did eventually fall deeply in love with me. It didn't work out for many reasons, but he still professes his love for me 30 + years later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 You did not screw up -big deal -you texted him. I think you'd feel better if you hadn't because now you're still sort of waiting to see if he calls. So how I thought of it -if we didn't have a time and place plan for another date, there was no other date and the guy was off my radar -that way I could move on. And I did. Some of those men eventually called but I was never "waiting" or speculating -waste of time unless I did something wrong while on the date and needed to change my behavior in some way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 You did not screw up -big deal -you texted him. I think you'd feel better if you hadn't because now you're still sort of waiting to see if he calls. So how I thought of it -if we didn't have a time and place plan for another date, there was no other date and the guy was off my radar -that way I could move on. And I did. Some of those men eventually called but I was never "waiting" or speculating -waste of time unless I did something wrong while on the date and needed to change my behavior in some way. That is a great way to think about it. Thank you! I will do that from now on. No planned date, move on. Got it! I do keep wondering what I might of done wrong on the 3rd date. I asked him lots of questions because he seemed so quiet, but nothing too hard or inquisitive,. Funny how date 1 was not great, date 2 was awesome, date 3 not great again. If you read my notes, he doesn't dress very well. On the second date he dressed nicer, looked better, but still had a short shirt, some stomach showing and a leather jacket with a hole in it. Date 1 and 3 wearing sleeveless shirt with belly showing and this man is hairy! Even has lots of hair on his arms, which he seems okay showing off. LOL not sure where the chemistry is coming from. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I think you wrote a lot about details of his looks. I don't think it's surprising that you felt chemistry even if technically what he wore/how he groomed wasn't your particular type. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 ""I have not asked him out once, which I have been told is NOT good. So I am not sure why you are saying this. I like a man to pursue me, always have. I am much older then you and have been around the block a few times. OLD is different though and most guys on this forum and others I am on say.. reach out to them to show you are interested. I don't do it as much as some do because again I like to be pursued, but we are in a different time. "" But you did text him and asked him directly if he was still interested. This was assertive on your part and good for you. However this is not allowing a man to pursue you. This was in essence pursuing or moving towards a man that may have moving away from you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Yes I did assert my self for the first time with him and its okay if he steps back. I talked to my therapist about this whole situation including the feedback and she thought I handled it perfectly. She knows me and all my background and I trust her to know best. Thanks for all your feedback though. I will post here if I ever hear back from Guy #1 but Im okay if I don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Yes I did assert my self for the first time with him and its okay if he steps back. I talked to my therapist about this whole situation including the feedback and she thought I handled it perfectly. She knows me and all my background and I trust her to know best. Thanks for all your feedback though. I will post here if I ever hear back from Guy #1 but Im okay if I don't. It sounds like you are ok being the main initiator or "pursuer" -if so then I totally agree with your therapist. I'm glad you are ok if he decides not to be in touch further. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 It sounds like you are ok being the main initiator or "pursuer" -if so then I totally agree with your therapist. I'm glad you are ok if he decides not to be in touch further. I pursued him ONCE and only today!!! I don't normally do this and it was way out of my comfort zone. So NO not true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I pursued him ONCE and only today!!! I don't normally do this and it was way out of my comfort zone. So NO not true. If that's not true then I don't agree with your therapist that this is an approach you should take in the future. I think what you chose to do was ok -no big deal -but if you want a more traditional guy I wouldn't do that again. I thought your therapist meant that you should use this approach again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 If that's not true then I don't agree with your therapist that this is an approach you should take in the future. I think what you chose to do was ok -no big deal -but if you want a more traditional guy I wouldn't do that again. I thought your therapist meant that you should use this approach again. No she didn't say that at all. I tend not to have boundaries around men and we are working on that. More then I want to share here, but no she is not at all telling me to do that in the future. We all agree to let him make the next move. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happpybear Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I don't see a prob with you asking. gave you some piece of mind. Some people prefer a direct conversation to clear things up, as opposed to taking silence as an answer....I dunno, seems fine to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 I don't see a prob with you asking. gave you some piece of mind. Some people prefer a direct conversation to clear things up, as opposed to taking silence as an answer....I dunno, seems fine to me. Thank you! I am all for honesty and being up front. If I didn't ask I would of wondered. My therapist did say that pain from Gout is awful and is all consuming, so it would make sense that he wouldn't want to ask me out when he is not feeling well. LOL So many things to consider for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Thank you! I am all for honesty and being up front. If I didn't ask I would of wondered. My therapist did say that pain from Gout is awful and is all consuming, so it would make sense that he wouldn't want to ask me out when he is not feeling well. LOL So many things to consider for sure. I don't think you're going to get the answers you want/need from someone you just met which is why I think you go with the much cleaner silence =lack of interest in dating. Give yourself closure because you still didn't get closure (I would say you did even before you called but now you're still wondering whether he will ask you out when he feels better -with that on your radar pursuing other men gets harder). Have a direct and honest and up front conversation with yourself "my ego is bruised and I am disappointed because this guy I think is cute and interesting isn't calling to ask me out again. That feels yucky. I really want to ask him whether he still likes me but I also want him to want to ask me out again on his own initiative -I'm not interested in being the main pursuer. Is it worth calling him and showing him again how interested I am in him and how badly I need reassurance of his interest in me even though he knows I'd see him again if he asked?" If he wanted to see you again he wouldn't want you to be snapped up by some other guy -he would have called you, told you he wasn't feeling up to going out again until he was better and made it very clear he wanted to date you again in the future -as soon as possible. And that is if for some reason he forgot to tell you all of this while still on the date with you. Don't confuse honesty with over-sharing or with making excuses to contact someone "I'll just see how he is feeling and then I can ask him if he wants to see him again". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 Im not going to reach out to him again. Like I said either way is okay with me. I'm looking forward to my date with Guy #2 this weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Im not going to reach out to him again. Like I said either way is okay with me. I'm looking forward to my date with Guy #2 this weekend. I know of course. I was just referring to how you approach the same situation in the future if you have a good date and then don't hear from the person again. Once again I don't think it's a huge deal that you called him. Have fun with Guy #2! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 I know of course. I was just referring to how you approach the same situation in the future if you have a good date and then don't hear from the person again. Once again I don't think it's a huge deal that you called him. Have fun with Guy #2! Agreed! Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 Update Guy #2 called and asked me go to lunch tomorrow. Happy to say He is pursuing me... Lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Update Guy #2 called and asked me go to lunch tomorrow. Happy to say He is pursuing me... Lol I'm glad he is asking you out - as much as we've discussed "pursuing" I'd think of it more as simply showing interest - so that you're not too close to the mindset of "chasing" - no one should chase each other because each person should be interested enough that there's no need for chasing. You'll see and feel the difference when it's more balanced. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 I'm glad he is asking you out - as much as we've discussed "pursuing" I'd think of it more as simply showing interest - so that you're not too close to the mindset of "chasing" - no one should chase each other because each person should be interested enough that there's no need for chasing. You'll see and feel the difference when it's more balanced. With Guy#2 is easy feeling so far. There is no wondering or anxiety around him at all. Im not sure if that is because there isn't much chemistry on my end yet, but we will see how it goes moving forward. I don't want to feel anxious, or left wondering what happened or if I did something wrong when Im dating someone. I think the more stress I have in a relationship means something is not right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Yes and just decrease stress from situations where you react to early strong chemistry or early strong insecurity in ways that get in your own way for the long term as opposed to providing short term gratification. Early on can be stressful no matter what -can be totally normal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 Yes and just decrease stress from situations where you react to early strong chemistry or early strong insecurity in ways that get in your own way for the long term as opposed to providing short term gratification. Early on can be stressful no matter what -can be totally normal. Yes, great advice. I have no patience and worry way too much. Thats just the way I am in my life in general. I am working on it though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Yes, great advice. I have no patience and worry way too much. Thats just the way I am in my life in general. I am working on it though. I work on that too. I do specific things to work on it which helps a lot and feels like I've accomplished something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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