brian12345 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Hello all, I haven't made a post about myself in awhile since I went through a rough break up back in 2012. I eventually healed from that break-up and ended up in a new relationship that lasted from August of 2013 to December of 2014. At the moment I am 26 (m) and my ex is 22 (f) The best way to sum up that relationship is that I was happy in it, loved her, and when things were good they were really good, but we had our fair share of arguments too, mostly about small things that boiled over. In late December, my ex broke up with me because she told me she had not had the experience of being single in her 20's, felt tied down, and wanted to go out and forge her own identity and enjoy being single. I fought for the relationship, and made it clear I wanted to work on things, but after it became clear that she wanted to be free, I "agreed" to let her go. Part of what magnified the pain for me in this break up is that the previous ex before her also broke up with me based on a similar line of thinking. However, the benefit I had this time is that I had seen all of this before, it was almost like a re-run. So when we parted ways, I tried to handle it as well as I could. I told her that we couldn't be in contact for a long time, that we couldn't be friends, that I needed time to heal, and that I didn't hate her or blame her for any of this, and wished her well. She similarly had nice things to say to me, and told me that she wanted to find her way back to me in the future. I of course knew how unlikely this was, but didn't feel like arguing the point, so I just said "we'll see...". So the last two and a half months were challenging for me, at first very rough, but once again I think because I had been through this before and knew that I would be okay eventually, even if I wasn't right now, calmed my emotions and calmed my mind. I still missed her, but I knew the right way to handle all of this. I leaned on friends and family, trained for a marathon, focused on my work, saw a therapist, and tried to fight off my moments of weakness. During this time, my ex attempted to contact me 3 times. Two weeks after the break-up, she texted me about a shirt of mine she had found, and asked if I wanted it, I said "no thanks", and that was that. A month after the break-up, she called me and I didn't pick up. I called her back later that day, and she acted as though her phone had accidentally dialed me, and so to her disappointment I wished her well and got off the phone. In early February she texted me saying that she missed me, which I chalked up as bread crumbs, and did not respond. Then on Tuesday she called me late at night, I didn't pick up the phone. She texted me asking "can we talk?", so I agreed to call her Wednesday in the evening. Here is where things took a different course, and I find myself in unfamiliar territory, and feeling really lousy. We got on the phone last night, after a couple how are you's, she says she presumes I know why she is calling, I confess I have no idea. She says it's because she misses me. After a long pause and her saying "I guess it's not mutual?", I told her "you know better than to say that", and then I kind of recap the conversation we had when she broke up with me. I explained why trying to be friends or to lean on one another for emotional support was not a good idea, and that we parted ways on a relatively good note, and while it was unlikely, taking a lot of time apart to work on ourselves was a better recipe for reconnecting in the future, as friends or otherwise. At that point she asks whether her reconnecting right now is too soon, and I said "yes, it's too soon". She then starts crying, and says that she's calling because she thinks she made a mistake. The rest of the conversation largely goes in circles, with me explaining that based on her line of reasoning for breaking up with me, getting back together after 2.5 months when she needed time to be single is a recipe for disaster. I tried to drive home that it's better for me, better for her, and better for "us" however you want to define that....to spend a lot of time apart, move on, and then down the road if we've both worked on ourselves we'll either make good partners for someone else, or if we got back together it would be with a much better foundation. She didn't take any of this well, she kept wondering why I didn't want to work on things, that she could work on herself in the relationship, that she regrets ending things, that she's been miserable without me the last 2 months, and that she's so hurt and embarrassed she doesn't think she could ever bear to contact me again in the future. And so eventually after going in circles, I told her that I care a hell of a lot for her, but I think this is the best thing for both of us, that nothing I can say will make her feel better at this moment, and that I wished her well. She mustered a good-bye but was a combination of very upset with herself and very upset with me. I've never been in this position before, I feel horrible. I really believe that I'm making the right decision, and that in the short-term the relationship her and I had can't be pieced back together. If she had been able to experience her early 20's, and then came back to me a more emotionally mature person, I would have listened to what she had to say, and considered reconciliation very seriously. But I am 99% sure that getting back together now would've been bad for both of us since nothing is different than it was when we broke up. I partially feel like crap because I really do still love her and care for her, and I felt her pain acutely, having experienced it before. I think she is wrong, but I don't fault her for trying to own up to a mistake, that can take a lot of courage. The other part of the pain is that I think her and I could have worked out and worked on things back when I offered in December, instead she broke up with me, and I just don't think the old relationship can be pieced back together. I think I'm right about that, but I'm sure there are others who have handled this differently than I did, and had it work out. So I am struggling to process all of my emotions at the moment. I'd be interested to know ENA readers insight on all of this. Thanks for reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 You did fantastic. You are 100% right. You have grown, progressed. She fell flat on her face and now wants to "work on herself IN a relationship with you". Honey --- that ship sailed when she walked out. Nothing is different....she just can't be alone. Your reasons, your handling of the conversation ----- ACES!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SapphireNoir10 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Sounds like she had a case of grass is greener and soon realised that being on the singles scene isn't always as rewarding as having a man that loves you. Well done you, you've handled this like a pro. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimthzz Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I agree with the others. do not ever be Plan B or fallback guy. Your ex-girlfriend will repeat this cycle again and again if you let her. Don't let her. In fact, block all contact with her--period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopefulandhurt Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 1000% the right decision. 2.5 months is way too soon! my ex boyfriend broke up with me in summer of 2013 after we had been together for 6 years because he wanted to be "single, find himself, etc." i was miserable, did nothing to improve myself, wished for him to come back - and he did 2 months later. i jumped at the chance and it was honeymoon phase all over again. it lasted for another 15 months actually...until he broke up with me again this past september for the same EXACT reasons. i wish i would've left it the first time. maybe we would've really been back together for real by now or i would've moved on and been over it. 2.5 months is way too soon after a break up to know if its what she really wants. she's not sure now if she's coming back out of loneliness or love or what. congrats to you for being so strong!! its not easy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbbcoop77 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Wow very well done. I think you really thought that out and see 2.5 months hasn't changed anything. If she walked out on you before what's to prevent her from doing it again? Keep us updated and see if she keeps contacting you... I haven't seen a lot of these dumpers coming back so quick so it's new material for me too lol ..very interesting .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clinton Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 There's no hard and fast rule for successful reconciliation. People reconnect successfully after all different lengths of time apart. You never know how it's going to work out. But if you aren't ready to try, it's the right decision for you. Just don't do this with the expectation that you will reconnect later because life offers no garuntees. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimthzz Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I hope you never experience that cycle of a significant other wanting to try out "strange" but with out benefit of telling you. At least she told her ahead of time. Still doesn't make her a keeper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slyness Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Do to the exact same experience that you stated I have to disagree with the public here. This is the exact situation I had with one of my ex's when I was younger. I was too full of pride to accept her back, but I truly loved her. After 3 months of no contact she called me to get back together and I declined. We never got back together and to be honest no woman has lived up to her since. It's been ten years since. Moral of the story is don't let your pride stand in the way of making it work. I say if you still love her make it work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Wow, you handled this really well!!! I think this should be a sticky post on the break up forum because this is exactly how to handle someone who wants to come back after stating a reason for breaking up, and then not really following through with it. If it was grass is greener or just testing you it really doesn't matter now. I applaud you for not falling for her reason to get back together with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I think she had imagined a lot more adventure in the dating world and didn't anticipate the frustration and the sense of loss when you weren't there as a support. So she was trying to make you the fallback. I think it's good that you recognized that she was just running away from pain versus trying for a real/long-term reconciliation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I think she's just feeling lonely and sorry for herself at the moment and thought you'd leap at the chance to make her feel better about herself. After the bad day passed you'd have been right back where you were before. Good job, you saw right through her claims to "miss" you and want to try again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brian12345 Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Thanks for your comments everyone, I appreciate all of them. Regardless of her intentions, I think the only thing I really hope for right now is that she comes to recognize I was right to not take her back. I don't expect to hear that from her though, but I could tell I wasn't going to convince her of this over the phone. I know she was probably being pretty selfish in how she went about this, but she is a good person and I hope she finds her feet even if we never reconnect in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 You have come through this enlightened and compassionate. Bravo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 You were 100 percent correct to state your views and hold your position. You instinctively know that if you gave into her and took her back sooner or later she'd come back with the "I think I made a mistake and I want to try this again." You feel bad about it, because she did the whole guilt-tripping thing, but surely it can't be lost on your that all along this has very much been about her and what she wants. Not to say she's a bad person, but it sounds like maybe she's never really had to sit down and think out the long-term effects of her actions and to take others feelings and thoughts into account on any actions she does. It's a maturity thing that many times is somewhat cured by life and experience, so I do believe she can learn and grow from this as well as you have. She needs to learn the consequences of her actions. And yes, she does need to learn to stand on her own two feet and realize that people can't be crutches and exes should not be used as emotional bandaids. And sometimes that life lesson is a hard one, but it's a necessary one. You actually just did her a huge favor even if it will quite possibly be years before she realizes that not having people jump every time you say "jump" is actually a good thing to have happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JDMxTeGrA101 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Wow good job on this. I wish I would've done this with my recent ex for her to only use me as a fallback/emotional crutch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saluk Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Head 1 Heart 0. Applause. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
invisibleheart Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 I think you handled it really well, and I think your decision is right... but what a courage it took to handle that in such a way! 'Coz I can feel the pain and struggle of it all. Anyway, we are here for support and when things get tough. Time as they say do the magic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Antago Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Well, if you really liked her, stay friends with her and develop an actual bond then move forward later. Give her mind, then spirit, then body if trust. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennylove Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 You did a great job. If she reaches out again, stay strong!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Well, if you really liked her, stay friends with her and develop an actual bond then move forward later. Give her mind, then spirit, then body if trust. Not such great advice. As we all know, you can't stay friends with someone you can't trust. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
larthur1 Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 As everyone has said, very good mate. I hope to able to behave so well, if god forbid the same thing happens to me again. Grass is never greener. Period. Well done mate, you are 100% right. I think the only time you could get back together is if she said to you down the line that you were totally right and said she would like to try now and of course apologised for not appreciating you as she should. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Again...she has proven untrustworthy. There is no future with her and OP knows it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Antago Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Not such great advice. As we all know, you can't stay friends with someone you can't trust. She may be untrustworthy in a romantic relationship, but isn't it true that she is still a living human-being? If you can date her, you can be her friend ... It's not like they were married and she cheated on him. She's also very young; in time she may learn to settle down. We all make mistakes; is breaking up with someone such a crime? Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder, and perfection can be reached. I have certainly broken up with people who I would have married and stayed with after I realized what I had done. Trust is not "all or nothing", nor is it always so fragile as everyone here is making it out to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave_1966 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 She may be untrustworthy in a romantic relationship, but isn't it true that she is still a living human-being? If you can date her, you can be her friend ... It's not like they were married and she cheated on him. She's also very young; in time she may learn to settle down. We all make mistakes; is breaking up with someone such a crime? Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder, and perfection can be reached. I have certainly broken up with people who I would have married and stayed with after I realized what I had done. Trust is not "all or nothing", nor is it always so fragile as everyone here is making it out to be. 'Trust is not "all or nothing"'. I don't know what planet you live on, but to the vast majority of people it is. You are merely voicing your own values. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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