How to feel happy & worth something again after a bad relationship and break up?

[vanilla27]

We dated for a year, he was emotionally manipulative, guilt tripped me and twisted things to be my fault so I'd end up apologising constantly. He’d neglect me to play video games, was reluctant to do anything out of the house - sex was the only time I felt he was interested in me & even then he wouldn't stop sometimes when I asked. He was aggressive and wore away at my already low self-esteem. He cheated twice & I forgave him (he lied about who it was that he had cheated with, too, but later I coerced the truth out of him) as he promised to change, but didn't. Bitter drunk arguments ensued for a couple of months afterwards, I was diagnosed with depression, then he dumped me saying he can't cope with the arguments. The arguments stemmed from him offending me (admittedly, I am quite sensitive) and me standing up to his behaviour, and him arguing back. It really hurt that somebody who badly hurt me, and who I gave everything to, was giving me this final slap in the face of leaving me despite all of my efforts, love and forgiveness. He told my friend that our arguments had been over 'nothing', and seemed to think they were caused only by my depression, failing to recognise his own insensitivity and tactlessness. I will admit I got upset by some things I shouldn't have, such as finding an old condom in his wallet which had been there a long time (or so he said), but only because he had given me reason not to trust him.

 

It was 4 months ago that we broke up, 3 months ago we last spoke, when he said that I am bitter, manic and paranoid. I want is to stop thinking about him, replaying it all in my head, what did I do wrong? Would he treat any girl the same? If a girl was more independent/detached/assertive, would he chase after them and treat them like gold like he did his previous crush (who had a boyfriend & rejected him in the end)? How can I forget this and let go? I have to see him around university sometimes, but I graduate this summer, and I want nothing more than to erase him from my memory and stop having dreams about how he used me sexually and was so dominant and intimidating.

[mhowe]

While you are at university, avail yourself of the free counseling services to address your depression and low self esteem that you would even stay with such a louse.

[Denguin]

I want is to stop thinking about him, replaying it all in my head, what did I do wrong? Would he treat any girl the same? If a girl was more independent/detached/assertive, would he chase after them and treat them like gold like he did his previous crush (who had a boyfriend & rejected him in the end)? How can I forget this and let go? I have to see him around university sometimes, but I graduate this summer, and I want nothing more than to erase him from my memory and stop having dreams about how he used me sexually and was so dominant and intimidating.

 

One of the common reactions to have at the end of an abusive relationship is self-blaming. Realize that this is NOT your fault. You could've been the best woman in the world for him, and I guarantee he still would've treated you like trash. You cannot change the way someone acts or thinks in any drastic way, shape or form. You were with him for a year, and that's long enough to gauge someone's true colours, and let me tell you, they sound like they were dull and dark. Be glad you two broke up... Can you imagine being married to that for the rest of your life? It's a blessing in disguise, believe me.

 

Would he treat any girl the same? Probably. It depends a lot on the dynamics of the relationship. On one hand, you being depressed may have led him to treat you in a certain way where he talked down upon you. On the other hand, people are generally pretty set in their ways. We're creatures of habit, and we will revert back to a certain set point at the end of the day. If someone has abusive habits like your ex sounds like he had, I'd say it's a pretty safe bet he would treat the next girl and the one after that like crap too.

 

HOWEVER, this is all speculation. I ask you this, does it really matter? What do you have to gain by thinking about how he would treat other women in hypothetical situations? Absolutely nothing is the answer. You can't go back and change time or people. I wish we could, but in reality, the only thing we can do is internalize the lessons we've learned and move forward.

 

Can I ask if you have sought any counselling, therapy, or medical treatment post break up? I know you mentioned that you've been diagnosed with depression. What is your current treatment plan?