Coldarmy13 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 Ghost it's funny I read that after the fact yesterday and I was thinking that was exactly what happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 I'm not sure how attempting to make the relationship "Facebook official" will do anything to improve things. Is "Facebook official" something that's important to you? Do you think it will make her act differently?? This relationship is like a hamster on a wheel. You'll get frustrated and decide you need to end it, you'll go see her, she'll start acting "nice", you'll cave in, she'll go back to her usual behavior (which is her "normal"), you'll get frustrated and decide it's not meeting your needs and you need to end it, you'll go see her, she'll act affectionate, you'll decide to give it "one more try", she'll go back to acting distant (her "normal"), you'll get frustrated and decide it's not meeting your needs and you need to end it, you'll go see her, she'll act affectionate, you'll decide to give it "one more try"...see where I'm going with this? I guess it's up to you how long you're willing to scamper on that hamster wheel. In the meantime, the woman who's right for you, who will be at your same level with regard to affection and contact, could be walking by. But you won't see her. Are you one of those people who, if something's broken, won't give up until you've "fixed" it? Rather than giving it a try and when it doesn't work, getting a new one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 I have the text typed in.. Struggling to send it.. Said she was feeling a little better and she might go to the movies. Asked if she was going alone and what she was seeing. She said yeah most likely and told me the movie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 Ask if she had plans tonight and she plainly said not at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Wait I thought you went over to talk to her about the whole relationship (or lack of) and where she's at and break up if she's not on the same page? Did that conversation just get pushed aside? You're putting yourself in this confusing situation I'm afraid. Sorry I can't say I feel sympathising when you had the chance to clarify things right then and there when you (finally!) got to meet in person and didn't, and now back to a confusing state. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 I know, things just went so well and I saw the person that I wished I saw for the past month. Happy to see me, chatty and funny, affectionate and not physically distant. That person wasn't around the past month when she said she was having her menstrual issues or was sick. I wasn't confused when I left sunday. Shes responded to texts a lot more quickly since then as well. Its making excuses but maybe she just wasn't herself during that time and maybe all her issues she said she was having were true? I guess im just hoping a corner was turned, with the space I gave her for a couple of weeks. Its hopeful thinking, and wanting to see how she is when I see her next before squashing it. Might be tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 I think she is playing you, hopefully not, but you will find out. I also think you are hoping for her to change. Yes she acted good for one night, lets see if she continues moving forward. And her being sick so much, she needs to find out whats wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 I think she is playing you, hopefully not, but you will find out. I also think you are hoping for her to change. Yes she acted good for one night, lets see if she continues moving forward. And her being sick so much, she needs to find out whats wrong. She must not be going through the "menstrual" thing anymore if she had sex Saturday. As far as being sick, I told her yesterday when she texted me that she should see the doctor. She said they dont do anything except charge you and then give you aspirin.. Anyway, looks like shes gonna hold off until I get out of work so we can catch the movie together. Her: I think like 1030 Me: If theres a show at 1030 I can be at your place by 10. Or 930 if that's better I just wouldn't be able to stay over without bringing work clothes for tomorrow. Her: Either Way Me: Well im not gonna stay if youd prefer to relax and do your own thing afterwards. If so that's Ok. Her: Its up to you. Ill probably just play video games or watch tv. Wont be up super late. Have to work at 130 tomorrow. Me: Alright. Well im assuming itll be after midnight before we get back so im not gonna keep you up. So not bringing any overnight stuff so I cant trick myself into staying. Have to do something tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 At the 3 month point, I think her reaction to it is what I need to see. If she still "isn't ready" to agree to something small like that, after we've met each others friends and everything, then shes not into this and/or is hiding something. That would give me confidence that im not walking away because of overthinking. Itll be in person too. Its tiresome to be the only one that thinks this is worthwhile. Any female friend that i know thinks shes acting VERY weird and that I need to run. Ill see how the movie goes then when we go back to her house im going to put it out there. Im actually excited to do so, because I was embarrassed that I didn't do it Saturday, regardless of her actions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 At the 3 month point, I think her reaction to it is what I need to see. If she still "isn't ready" to agree to something small like that, after we've met each others friends and everything, then shes not into this and/or is hiding something. That would give me confidence that im not walking away because of overthinking. Itll be in person too. Its tiresome to be the only one that thinks this is worthwhile. Any female friend that i know thinks shes acting VERY weird and that I need to run. Ill see how the movie goes then when we go back to her house im going to put it out there. Im actually excited to do so, because I was embarrassed that I didn't do it Saturday, regardless of her actions. You know, if one friend is telling you something, you could take it with a grain of salt. But if it's three friends, or four friends, or a dozen friends, you might want to at least give it some thought. If people who care about you think something's off, well... I figured you'd choose to stay on the hamster wheel. I'd really hate for you to be posting on page 67 of this journal about the exact same issues. I edited this post because I think this outlet has some benefit for you. I get that you don't want to believe what's really happening, but you need to get there on your own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 You know, if one friend is telling you something, you could take it with a grain of salt. But if it's three friends, or four friends, or a dozen friends, you might want to at least give it some thought. If people who care about you think something's off, well... I figured you'd choose to stay on the hamster wheel. At some point you need to be prepared for people to stop listening. Most folks get tired of hearing the same old, same old. I'd really hate for you to be posting on page 67 of this journal about the exact same issues. Im tired of talking about it too. Isnt this me NOT staying on the hamster wheel though? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Deciding to stay with her to give it "one last try", to "talk" about it with her when you already have, is staying on the wheel. Ending it because the relationship doesn't meet your needs would be getting off the wheel. But like I said in my edited post and to paraphrase, people will see and believe what they want to see and believe. You want to believe her "illness" caused her to pull away from you. If you were ill, would you stay away from her and practically end all contact? I doubt it. But carry on, and we'll see what the next "reason" is for her pulling away and being distant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Fairly played. She didn't end all contact, she cancelled, then SHE rescheduled for the next day, cancelled, then SHE rescheduled again. I know what youre saying and it all likelihood youre correct. The last week or so talking to people im close to about it has really put me in a different mindset than I had at any time before about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I figured you'd focus on semantics rather than the essence of what I'd posted. LOL It's easier to focus on trivia rather than the issue at hand. My point was, I can't imagine with the way you have said you are in relationships, that you'd withhold affection and act distant if you weren't feeling well. You'd probably keep a safe distance if you had the flu, for example, but slow texting to a trickle? Act unaffectionate? I doubt it. I think it will take several more runs around the hamster wheel before you find yourself in the same place as a few days ago, where you're at the point of having to make a final decision regarding this relationship. I see two options: 1. Continue on realizing THIS IS WHO SHE IS and she will not change, even if you really, really want her to. Realize you cannot "love" her into acting differently. Teach yourself to accept and be satisfied with her level of communication and affection and sincerely do not want more. 2. End the relationship, giving yourself the opportunity to find a woman who is on the same page as you regarding affection and communication. Refuse to compare new women to this one because it would not only be unfair to them but self-defeating. If there's a third option, I'd love to hear about it. I personally have never found it. I've learned to accept people as they are and if there were dealbreakers, made the decision myself to stay away. And realized I can't "love" someone into "changing". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Heres what I posted in another thread from someone whos in a very similar position as myself. It explains how I feel and I dont want to retype it. Ill leave it at that for now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 So you went with my "option 1". LOL If you are truly, sincerely content with her levels of affection and contact and you can accept that she needs less together time than you may want, and you can scale back your expectations to match hers...this has a great chance of working. But please be sincere...don't sell yourself short just to keep her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 So you went with my "option 1". LOL If you are truly, sincerely content with her levels of affection and contact and you can accept that she needs less together time than you may want, and you can scale back your expectations to match hers...this has a great chance of working. But please be sincere...don't sell yourself short just to keep her. I feel like this is what you are doing coldarmy, selling yourself short.. but its your life. Hopefully it will all work out great and you will be happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Just some final thoughts and I'll back off: I always kind of thought you were creating issues where there weren't any...I also thought you weren't getting what you needed out of the relationship. Sounds like opposite views but they really aren't. You obsessed and overanalyzed and stressed and were so anxious over every single little thing! But then she'd blow you off repeatedly and I started to see where your insecurity came from. Until I realized you two just do things differently. I think if you honestly and sincerely can be satisfied with what she gives you, the relationship can work. But only if you HONESTLY AND SINCERELY are satisfied. Not that you've decided to settle for what she gives just so you don't have to go through the pain of breaking up with her. However...don't fall into the trap of being the only one who compromises. This breeds resentment. And down the line, this resentment will build until it explodes into an argument where "you never" and "I always" are said. Also, remember that staying in a relationship hoping the other party will "change" is always a bad idea. Up to this point you have NOT been satisfied or comfortable with how she's been conducting herself during the relationship. So the sudden turnaround is a bit concerning, which is why I fear it's motivated by wanting to keep her at all costs so you don't have to go through a breakup. But again, I always felt you were finding things to stress about that maybe weren't all that catastrophic. If you're 100% sure you're not just going along to get along so you don't lose her, and that you are happy with things the way they are (and most likely will remain)...only you know the answer to this, but it's vital that you be honest with yourself. I hope you're sincere and that you can be happy with her EXACTLY AS SHE IS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
okane24 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Hey Cold, any updates? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 Thanks for caring folks. Ive been doing better with her need for space in a relationship. Still have my bad days, but ive tried to not post everything here and feed my over thinking and insecurity. Things were awesome for a few weeks after the post where I was going to break up with her and she was actually awesome so I never mustered the strength to do it. She was the girl that I really fell for before the strange 2.5 week period that I posted everything about here. She still doesn't initiate texting, though it could be because for awhile I got comfortable and if I wanted to text her (within reason) I just would. Even now, she responds quick and almost never turns me down if I ask to see her/ make plans. Last couple of times I saw her she was again a bit cold and distant. Im working on not over analyzing it because it wont do any good. She has a lot of pressure on her right now I think with desperately needing a new roommate to keep her house and needing to get a new car at the same time. I just do my best to believe that is why. Last night she ended up passing out when we got home from a late dinner/drinks. By cold and distant, im referring to when I went to kiss her, she obliged but there wasn't anything to them. Definitely just felt like me kissing her. We were watching a new show on Netflix and were laying next to each other and I took my hand a rested it on her stomache upwards and she obliged to putting her hand in mine. Again, it felt like me just holding/rubbing her hand as her hand was basically limp the whole time. I don't know what it is, don't know why. Shes the one I chose to be with, and hopefully us still being together is by choice on her behalf as well. Not just being nice or stinging me along. I think its best I just continue with my life and hope she wants be a bigger part of it eventually. Nothing I can say or do will change anything right now. Actually thinking about not contacting her again and seeing how long it takes to hear from her. I know that I make it too easy for her, therefore probably making it not exciting anymore. Ive just been posting on other peoples threads and not about my own issues. Trying to help people from work ive been learning through this. Not posting everything that ever happens in my relationship and looking for outsiders opinions on everything. I do think it helped a lot, but also made everything bigger than it needed to be in my head. Thanks again for checking in on me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Thanks for the update. I was wondering how things were going too. Sounds like nothing much has changed. Not sure how you deal with her being cold and distant like she is. I prefer warm and cuddly. I wonder sometimes if you just think thats what you deserve. But its your life. As you know I have a journal too - posting updates helps me. Im sorry to hear it made everything seem bigger to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 Thanks for the update. I was wondering how things were going too. Sounds like nothing much has changed. Not sure how you deal with her being cold and distant like she is. I prefer warm and cuddly. I wonder sometimes if you just think thats what you deserve. But its your life. As you know I have a journal too - posting updates helps me. Im sorry to hear it made everything seem bigger to you. I think it did.. but don't say youre sorry! You folks helped me a lot. Im just always working on getting back to my normal self before this. Where a relationship was not the be all end all, and we need to have our own separate lives. I feel like I lost sight of that and am fighting to get it back. Rekindled some old friendships and been more active socially than even before when I was single. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GhostB88 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 That's good to hear. As I always say, no news is good news. And a journal is just that, a journal. You don't have to post all your personal issues and looks for an ultimate solution from others. It is just about your daily life; whatever you feel you would like to write down so that months or years later you look back into it and realized how much you have changed, how much you have grown, how silly you were back then, and how all the lessons you learned in the past help you forge a better future. If posting on this journal is magnifying your anxiety, then definitely take a break from it, and post again when you feel better. Anyways, good luck and we will be observing your transformation and hoping you'll get that excellent outcome that you deserve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 Trying to mirror what she was doing. Responding and not initiating. Suprisingly got a text from her last night around 1130pm. Honestly expected a couple days of no contact. Her: How was work? Me: Pretty good. Hows the car search going?? Her: Bleh Me: No potential? Her: I didn't look in person.. just online. Me: Youll find something Her: My concern is paying for it.. not so much finding something Me: Yeah it sucks looking at those big numbers. How was your day otherwise? Her: Eh Me: Sorry to hear that day off fail. That was it. Sticking to the plan of responding but not initiating. I hope. Feel like its her turn to come to me/ ask to make plans. Went out a couple times this week but I asked to do so and she complied. Trying to stay strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I don't know, it sounds to me like you're trying to force yourself to be more like her in order to keep her...but you're still not completely satisfied and are at times disappointed. (referencing the "trying to stay strong" comment) Is the way the relationship going satisfying to you? Or are you still wishing for more? Not asking for you to answer but just suggesting you ask yourself these questions and give yourself honest answers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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