mhowe Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Because some people are more guarded with their heart. You can't force her pace. You can accommodate it if the benefits out weigh the negatives. It sounds like you need a fuller life than ruminating on the relationship all the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GhostB88 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Omg... So much drama in such a short amount of time... What kind of activities do you guys do together or what kind of common interests do you guys pursue together? You guys don't work with each other, have different friend circles, so what do you guys do or talk about that's in common? I feel like you guys are a couple who have nothing in common yet physically attracted to each other, so all the conversations and feels rather empty. Each "I want to see you" leads to just two people staring at each other and nothing to talk about or nothing to do, and each "I miss you" leads to thoughts about wanting to do absolute nothing but be in each other's presence, and each "I love you" leads to meaningless sex. I'm sorry to make such strong accusations (which may be false), but I'm just wondering what common grounds is this relationship based off of? Shouldn't you be focusing on the common "stuff" you guys do together that's enjoyable to both of you (other than sex because I know that as much as you want to be macho and fooling yourself into thinking that you can do it "all night long", you can't, sex is short and the least time consuming part of the relationship) instead of always wondering how to micromanage where the relationship is heading? Let me remind you that it's only been 3 days since your amazing weekend!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 What kind of activities do you guys do together or what kind of common interests do you guys pursue together? You guys don't work with each other, have different friend circles, so what do you guys do or talk about that's in common? I feel like you guys are a couple who have nothing in common yet physically attracted to each other, so all the conversations and feels rather empty. Each "I want to see you" leads to just two people staring at each other and nothing to talk about or nothing to do, and each "I miss you" leads to thoughts about wanting to do absolute nothing but be in each other's presence, and each "I love you" leads to meaningless sex. Let me remind you that it's only been 3 days since your amazing weekend!! The last part is something that I thought about. We go out and do things we both like doing, more than staying in. We've done almost everything there is to do around here. We both really like shooting pool, darts, bowling. Most of which she is better than me at, its almost becoming a joke that "someday my day will come and I will win!".Trying new restaurants, breweries. Shes actually got me into champagne and I enjoy trying new ones with her. We both enjoy similar movies/tv shows. We both like video games. We both work in retail so we share the same gripes when it comes to that. There have been very few "I miss yous" and no "I love yous". Though I understand what you were talking about. I am worrying too much about where she wants this to go.. instead of enjoying things as they come. Unless she is good at hiding it, she certainly doesn't come off as an over thinker. She just comes off luke-warmish/cold when we aren't around each other. People that have seen/heard our texts say that its sounds an awful lot more like friends than a couple. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 Because some people are more guarded with their heart. You can't force her pace. You can accommodate it if the benefits out weigh the negatives. It sounds like you need a fuller life than ruminating on the relationship all the time. This is absolutely the truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GhostB88 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 So that's great you two share so many common interests. Now why not develop them further? E.g. Practice pool, bowling, darts etc. on your own time and surprise her next time when you beat her in those games. Same thing with TV shows and movies: watch your favorite ones together and have a laugh together or a deep discussion about the more serious ones. I honestly can think of so many more things you can spend your time on (with / without her) that will grow your relationship rather than slowly breaking it apart by over-analyzing and micromanaging it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 So that's great you two share so many common interests. Now why not develop them further? E.g. Practice pool, bowling, darts etc. on your own time and surprise her next time when you beat her in those games. Same thing with TV shows and movies: watch your favorite ones together and have a laugh together or a deep discussion about the more serious ones. I honestly can think of so many more things you can spend your time on (with / without her) that will grow your relationship rather than slowly breaking it apart by over-analyzing and micromanaging it. She doesn't come off as cold and uninterested to you? Example. The night she eventually invited me over and later and made an insinuation that maybe all I wanted was sex or that was all I came over for, she had the day off of work and didn't send me so much as a how's your day or anything until I reached out at 11pm and asked how her day off was. She said she ran some errands, had dinner with her friend that's an ex then came home. I just can't imagine why someone in a relationship wouldn't feel the need to say something at any point in the day. So from dinner time until I sent something late at night she didn't feel the need to say hi to her boyfriend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Have you considered that maybe she is just the type of person who doesn't need a lot of contact or that maybe she thinks that a man should initiate communication and that it would be too forward and brazen for her do so and it might scare you away? There are just too many maybes and you don't know each other well enough at this point to know the answers. I like what Ghost said - focus on the positives and focus on building the connection with each other with all the things you have in common. Don't kill your relationship with all the over analyzing. It's kind of pointless anyway in that it doesn't bring forth anything positive or help you move the relationship forward to firmer ground. It just leaves you sweating the small stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 I used to initiate the contact but then wasn't hearing back from her so I started to back off and try to match her level of communication. Which isn't much at all. Makes me feel pretty unimportant. I agree with what you said though, thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I have been with my bf for 5 Years. In the first year or so, we would see each other on the weekend, and maybe one night a week. We never texted in between. We are well matched that way. You are very needy via communication and she is not. Either adapt or get out. It is only a few months in and you are acting like she should be attached to you every day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I disagree that he is "needy" for wanting a simple message on days they don't see each other, and most people I know do that, just because they want to see how their partner is doing and because they are thinking about them. we're not talking drawn out conversations or texts here, just a hi how's your day? I do agree that if this is her communication style then you are mismatched. That or she's not that into you. She has denied that's the case though so I'm going to guess it's the first scenario. Up to you whether you can accept and adapt to her style, if you can't it will be hard for this to work out, with you constantly obsessing over why she hasn't contacted you, maybe she doesn't care, and all the rest of the drama. I take it things are good when you do see each other? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GhostB88 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Ok, first, was she colder than she was 1 month ago? Or did she become more enthusiastic? That should be a starting basis to see how far your relationship has progressed and gives a hint of where it's going. Second, she doesn't need to be always clinging on to you! When your life is out of balance you tend to grab on to the only joy in your life and always greedily want more from it. What I mean by out if balance is that from all the activities you do in your daily life, what makes you happy? Work? Food? Family? Friends? Games? Sports? Sleep? Dating? Etc. and the answer should be all of the above, and you love each one of them equally. Your life is out of balance right now in that you focus only on dating or your love life, thus ignoring everything else that used to give you joy in life. This is internal, something within you, and you must spend time to find that balance or else you won't have a happy lifestyle. What's worse is you expect her to be the same as you. You are trying to force her to give up all the other things she likes to do in life just to spend time on YOU! This isn't healthy! Even if she does what you expect, you guys won't be truly happy!! Right now I think her lifestyle is more balanced than you, so you should learn from her! Ask her to help you balance your lifestyle, not drag her into your situation. So please do yourself (and her) a favor, and find that balance in your life. P.s. I've been into this unbalanced lifestyle with my ex before. It seemed so sweet that we both cling to each other 24/7, and neither of us wanted any less. But somehow, even though we loved each other to death and we were getting the most joy out of our lives, there was misery underneath it... We weren't truly happy, and eventually split up. We just had that inexplicable unhappiness. Now that I had time to reflect back on what I once had, I realized that our lives were exactly missing the balance we once had: we didn't hang out with friends, we didn't do sports, play games, talked to families much, didn't focus much on work because we always texted one another, even when we sleep we were together. I felt more alone and unhappy when I'm with her than when I am by myself, yet I loved her so much I wanted to be keep that life style. So please, don't fall into the same trap as I did. Look at the big picture and find balance in your life! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 She doesn't come off as cold and uninterested to you? Nobody knows her, so nobody can answer this for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luxurylover Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I so agree with the part About her being in previous situations with guys using her for sex. Baggage Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwixSense Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Coldarmy13 I don't think you're too needy, I am the same as you when it comes to relationships. I think everyone has different needs and some people need less contact than others. However I agree with others that you should try finding other things that make you happy besides your GF. The "out of balance" comment made by the other posters is a great point, in my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 In response to the am I only in it for sex thing. She told me her last boyfriend that I knew she broke up with at her sisters wedding almost two years ago, she left because she believed he was only with her to have someone to "bang". Far as I know I'm the first boyfriend since then. I didn't know that's exactly why she left him. So yes, trust issues. I told her that I didn't know that and that's why I ask. I told her I did think I've done everything I can to show her how sincere and serious I was about her. She said that she's only known me a couple of months and that all of her feelings in that obviously can't just go away in a few months. I told her that I understand that and and that's it's good that I know. She said it's not that she thinks that about me, per say, just that it's just an issue of hers. I told her that when I think about her, I don't think about sex. She said that that helps. I know that won't alleviate her concerns, I have to be patient now. My oroblem now will be becoming comfortabke trying to be intimate again. As far as the lack of communication, she said her sister and friends all tell her she's terrible with returning texts. She figured there wasn't a huge need because she figured if she didn't talk to me that she'd end up seeing me the next day anyway. In that way I understood. Goes toward my life not being balanced. As Ive said before, I do see her fairly often. She said she just isn't big on technology and would rather talk in person. This is where I need to fix/adjust myself. She added she didn't mind my texts that I shouldn't worry about sending her them. I should be able to not hear from her for short periods of time in such a inew relationship. I explained to her that Ive just been accustomed in last relationships with.. And I paused. She said "overbearing, obnoxious women?". That told me what I needed to know. I ended the conversation by raising her chin with my finger and kissed her. Then I told her I was going to earn her trust. She said okay. She has trust issues and we are a mismatch. I don't feel the need to leave her though. Being into her as much as I am im without knowing these things is on me. We parted today with kisses and wished each other a good day. Either way, I chose to try to adapt, I think the possible positive is worth the negative. At least its not likely that her not contacting me means shes found/talking to any other guy, if her issues are this severe. I need to worry more about me now. Period. Thank you all for your posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 Forgot to add that I also told her that I didn't hoe else to show how genuine and serous I was. She said I didn't have to do anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Good luck Coldarmy. I think your communication styles being so different will either: 1. Drive you crazy 2. Or you will just get used to it. I like to hear from my SO at least once a day if not more. I like getting a Good Morning and Good Night text - just makes me feel loved and thought of. Thats just me. I am not sure I could handle someone who wasn't at least willing to do that, but thats again, just me. Keep us posted, keep journaling too. Have a great weekend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 Thanks for the good luck. I usually so hear from her or will get a response at some point during he day. She at least knows how I feel about it. I also left out that after all that I told her that I understood much better now. She asked if I actually did or if I was just saying that. I assured her I did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Good that you clarified things, hope it works out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 I ended the conversation by raising her chin with my finger and kissed her. Then I told her I was going to earn her trust. She said okay. She has trust issues and we are a mismatch. I don't feel the need to leave her though. I think you have some sort of misplaced knight in shining white-coat armor "syndrome." Haha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 Her: hope you had a good day, do anything fun? Me: it was alright, went to the gym, hung out with friend and then hung around to see if you were going to let me know if you wanted to hang out when you got off of work... ( asked her last night to let me know at some point today about tonight, of course nothing from her all day and this was over an hour after she got off) Her: sorry didn't think you were going to be waiting Me: I asked you last night about tonight when you got off of work.. Anyway how was your day Her I know I said I'd let you know if I could (not what she said) didn't know you'd be waiting Me: you said you weren't sure then I asked if you to let me know asap today. Her: I had a lot of stuff to do around the house but my friend tony basically kidnapped me to come out after work Me: ... Kidnapped? Her: yeah he sent an uber to pick me up from my house. Me: look at it from my perspective. I let you know of like to hang out after you got out of work tonight and you said maybe and that you might need to talk to your roommate about that thing, then you don't care to let me know anything and then you just go out with a guy from work. Her: I did want to talk to her but she was in bed. And tony is not from work.. You met him at my party and he's gay.. Me: I remember him, and I'm not being jealous. I just don't feel very important right now. Her: I'm sorry you feel that way. You shouldn't and if you knew the whole situation you probably wouldn't. Me: I'd like to know, you're really important to me. Me: if you'd orefer to just talk I'm at home now and I can. Her: I'm out with them at the moment.. Me: I guess give me a ring when you get home? Have fun! Her: after going out drinking it probably won't be the best time. Me. Really. You can't tease why I shouldn't feel unimportant and then blow me off. Her: we ll see. I'd invite you out if I knew where we'd be. Me: great. Well.. I think you really should. If she doesn't call me tonight and doesn't contact me at some point before she's goes to work until midnight tomorrow then she's pretty much forcing my hand on this. I feel very unimportant and disrespected right now. We ll see? I'm really trying her and be patient but I think tonight was the last straw to get me to speak up and stick up for myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Yikes, this relationship is just dragging on ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 This is like pulling teeth...it exhausted me just reading that last conversation. You obviously see things different. Maybe she cares about you, too, but her way and your way are like from different planets...and it's only been what? 3 months? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 We just talked on the phone for almost an hour. I expressed that I feel unimportant and come off insecure for all the reasons I've posted before. Lack of communication, affection, expressing distrust when I feel I've done all that I could to show how serious I am. She apologized and said that that's just how she is. That if I have doubts just ask. I replied that I didn't feel I can just ask her about that stuff all the time because that would become overbearing. She told me I should just "pick your battles I guess". A couple times during this conversation she said what she's said a lot of times in the couple months we've been dating. "I'm a terrible person!". She says its jokingly but it's just a strange thing to say about yourself with any regularity. i told her to not apologize for being herself. That I'm not an insecure or jealous person, but she should understand that the distant nature can bring that out of me. She just apologized and said that's just how she is with everyone. She told me "if it makes you feel any better, I wish you were here right now". I told it did and that even something small like that helps a lot. I told her that I know I can't make you believe me, but that I am nothing like her ex boyfriend and that I know id never do anything to hurt her. She paused.."yeah I think I might know that already." I have plans to stay over her place tomorrow night when she gets out if work late tomorrow. She's still on her second period that came less than two weeks after her last one. So I doubt she'll show much if any affection and will pass out. By affection I mean non sexual stuff too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 It's all one sided, you're making all the effort to meet and to communicate, and she is not. YOU asked to see her and she told you maybe and never confirmed either way. YOU plan to stay at her place tomorrow. What has she planned or when did she ask to see you? She said she wish you are there right now. So make a plan to see you! Did she do that? I'm guessing no. She knows how her actions are affecting you, and in turn says she's a terrible person (joking or otherwise). I suspect she's doing this on purpose to feel superior or in control of this relationship. I'm really not seeing this going anywhere at this point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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