Feeling lost...

[Loriana]

Dear Diary,

 

I'm not happy at my current job, it's not what I want to do and I want to get out more than ever. I have stuck at it for two years, I've never really enjoyed it, but I continued with it because it was what I knew and I got too comfortable there. Staying there has always been the easy option, moving on and looking for other jobs had always terrified me. I have a little anxiety and am not the most confident person in the world so the thought of going to interviews scared the crap out of me and I convinced myself I couldn't do it. Now the time has come where I want to be happy and in a job that I like and so I'm forcing myself to start looking for other jobs.

 

I am 22 and feel like I have missed out so much on life due to anxiety and self-confidence issues, I still have a way to go, but I'm definitely more confident now and just want to be able to start living. I don't want the years to go by and for me not to have accomplished anything and for life to just stay the same.

 

So being a volunteer counselor has always been something that I have been interested in so a few weeks ago I finally plucked up some courage and sent an application form to a well known charity that were looking for volunteer counselors. The next day I got invited to an interview and I was over the moon because I thought "Wow, they must have really been impressed with my application form". I was excited for life to begin, you know? I was excited to make friends with people who share a similar interest to me and to actually be in a job that I liked.

 

The interview was yesterday, two women interviewed me and one of them kind of had a stuck up aura I thought. One of the interview rooms wasn't ready yet so me and "stuck up woman" had to wait until it was ready. I tried to make small talk with her, but she seemed to be unimpressed with me, it was almost as if she kind of turned her nose up at me every time she looked at me.

 

So to start I wasn't getting a very good vibe from her and so this made me feel uncomfortable, but anyway once the interview started I put that to one side and answered the questions as best as I could. Now I haven't been to hardly any interviews before so I find them daunting. I found some questions hard to answer and both the interviewers were just staring at me until I could come up with an answer so I felt pressured to give an answer so I just started rambling so at least I was speaking, I wasn't sure if I was actually answering the question, but I thought at least I was saying something instead of nothing lol.

 

Most of the questions I thought I answered really well and overall I didn't think the interview went too badly. It wasn't until later on yesterday evening that I got a call from one of the interviewers saying that unfortunately I didn't get accepted and that they were looking for more in depth answers. On most of the questions I gave pretty in depth answers so I don't know how much more in depth they wanted me to get. I can't help, but feel it was because "stuck up woman" didn't like me, but its okay not everyone is going to like everyone.

 

Working for that charity was something my mind was set on and it was something that I thought I wanted so to not be accepted got to me. Being rejected doesn't really bother me all that much because I know its just a part of life and it happens to everyone. It's more of the fact that I'm really trying to make my life better so because that opportunity has been taken away from me I now feel that I have to work even harder to figure out what my next move will be.

 

it doesn't help that I don't know what it is I really want to do, I can't help feeling lost most of the time, but I try to forget about how lost I feel and I try to focus more on how I'm going to make my life better. I know there is no time limit on figuring out where I want my life to go, but I wish I knew the answer already because I'm tired of not knowing the answer.

 

In all my uncertainty I do believe that everything happens for a reason and me getting rejected happened for a reason. Obviously there is something better waiting for me I just have to go out there and find it..

 

What I do know is that I love this site and I love helping others. Reading peoples posts and replying to them really brightens up my day to know that I helped someone. So what I do know is that this site is one of my hobbies and I will continue to help others and try to be the best version of myself.

 

Have a great weekend to anyone who takes the time to read this

[Loriana]

Dear Diary,

 

It has been a few weeks since I last wrote to you. What with the interview and everything I needed time to process my thoughts and feeling about it so I have been in my own little bubble for a few weeks now. When I want to escape reality for a little while I kind of crawl into my little bubble that is my world that I stay in for a while, it's how I cope I guess.

 

I have been distracting my thoughts of longing for a new life, a new start by reading books. I have been reading a new book every week, I read when I wake in the mornings. I have some time to spare while I wait for the bathroom to become free so I use that time to read. I read at work when I can, I usually read at lunch times because I can't deal with how all the girls go on about how they wish they were 10 stone and a size 10. I've never understood why woman want to be a number so badly...Being a size 10 or a size 16 is just a number that is a label on your clothes; it doesn't define who you are.

 

I am still yet to decide what my next move going forward will be, I need some more time to think, well I haven't had a lot of time to think because I have been distracting myself with books and now someone new is distracting most of my thoughts entirely. Gosh, it's all so crazy and freaky and weird...for the past couple of weeks I have felt lost and alone and I have been longing for someone to talk to. I'm not religious and I don't pray so I don't want to say god, but it's as if something out there knew how I was feeling and decided to push a pair of blue eyes into my life.

 

I have only known "blue eyes" for almost a week and I can't stop thinking about him. It's so very strange, but as soon as I met him I knew he was different I don't know how, but I just knew it with everything in me. And what is even stranger is that I felt this familiar feeling like I knew him already or that we had met before even though I know it's not possible and what is even weirder is that he felt it too!

 

We have been talking on Skype every night, I limit our contact to just evenings because in the past I have been in contact all day and all night and I think that's where it went wrong for me having constant contact with someone 24/7. It feels right to talk to him after the day is done because I can get what I want done in the day without keep having to text back and I think he feels the same too.

 

We have so much in common it’s scary. He shares the same birthday as my mum and he was born on the 21st of the month and I was born on the 20th of the month. I found out his sister was born on the 25th of the month and also my Nan was born on the 23rd of the month. So all the dates are a little spooky not to mention that he is blonde with gorgeous blue eyes which is my thing and he is 5'5 or 5'6 and I'm 5 ft. so we are the perfect height for each other.

 

The strangest thing of all is when I talk to him I feel a sense of calmness like I'm home, I don't feel anxious or self-conscious in his presence, he takes all the anxiety away from me. I don't for one second doubt all the things that he tells me it’s absolutely insane, but I can't explain it, but I just know in my gut that he is genuine and honest. I feel a true connection with him that I've always dreamed of having with someone.

 

People reading this will probably think I'm crazy to feel all of this in only a week, but all I can say is that I have no control over how I feel, sometimes you just meet someone and you know that you met them for a reason.

 

I feel overwhelmed with how I feel right now that's why I like to have the day to process everything. I feel like an angel has been watching over me or something and it's so overwhelming that I want to cry because I feel happy.