mhowe Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I don't think mind blowing sex can MAKE a relationship ---- but not having it certainly detracts from one. In my book, life is too short not to have an amazing sex life with your chosen partner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I never had passionate sex with my ex right from the start. He'd get me there of course but there was rarely passion and it was disappointing to me that there wasn't. I stopped wanting to have sex with him over time (we still did though), I'm not sure if it was mainly that or a combination of that with the fact that our relationship wasn't going well and I was losing attraction for him as a result. Not so much advice as just sharing experience I guess. I wouldn't necessarily be expecting to say I love you at two months, it's not abnormal to not be ready to say it yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 It's frustrating because I am a very sexual person. I think about it basically all the time. I'm like a 12 year old boy sometimes, I swear. And while he's always been responsive to me, I sometimes think about what it'd be like in the future, and I sort of feel like he'd eventually do it just to appease me. Also, something that didn't bother me before, started bugging me yesterday. He's very close with his mother, as am I. His father passed away 2 years ago, so he moved in with his mom to help her out; he's now moving out sometime this year (he's looking to buy his own house). But I've noticed that his mother has control of a lot of things in his life, of his own choosing. She’s the one looking for places for him. She does his finances for him. Yesterday, I went over after 4 pm like he told me, and he wasn’t up yet. I woke him up, which was funny and cool, and he went to get a shower. I was sitting on his couch with his mom. And he came out into the living room to give me a kiss, but he came out still in his boxers! In front of his mother! It made me very uncomfortable. I'm very close to my mom too, which is why I guess it never bothered me. But there are lines you just don't cross, and the boxer incident crossed that line for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 And in regards to love - I talked with a few male friends to get their perspective, and basically the consensus was, sometimes you know right away, and sometimes you don't. Most of them that were in relationships said that they knew they loved their girlfriends within the first 3 dates. I was shocked! I suppose I can only assume this is how Tyler felt too - I just hope he's not too disappointed that I haven't reached that level. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
testcase Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 3 dates!!! You don't even know someone then. You can certainly lust over someone tho. You just sound like you're growing up and becoming an adult. If someone said they love me super early it'd freak me out. If I heard it now, and I still had a lot of questions, I'd probably leave the relationship. But hey I'm all kinds of messed up so take anything I say with a grain of salt!!! The sex thing would bother me. Bad sex is bad sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 The sex thing does bother me. He didn't say he loved me on the third date, but it was still within the first month. It did startle me. I feel lost in this relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 The sex thing does bother me. He didn't say he loved me on the third date, but it was still within the first month. It did startle me. I feel lost in this relationship. That isn't the way it is supposed to feel...you should feel "found". A relationship should enhance your life. Not confuse you. It may just be a sense of the underlying incompatible nature. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 That isn't the way it is supposed to feel...you should feel "found". A relationship should enhance your life. Not confuse you. It may just be a sense of the underlying incompatible nature. I guess I should say, that I don't feel lost as a person, I just feel lost concerning my feelings. I guess I just thought I'd feel more certain. We spent time together a couple days a week. I know his mother, he knows mine. Our friends and family know of each other. We went through these pains to do this the right way, but I still feel uncertain. I just can't get over the sex thing. I don't want to throw away something that I know to be good for me. But I don't want to waste time in something that ultimately may not be what I want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Being with him is like eating oatmeal for breakfast. Its good and its healthy...but it isn't what you want. Long term...would you say he makes a better friend than lover? Can you see this lasting for years?(and I am not talking marriage?). You don't need to settle. The right match is out there but you won't find it if you are dating Mr OK for Now. I once dated a guy...lasted about 9 months. And when I realized that he was Mr OK I broke up. He just didn't really do it for me. He later married and had 2 kids. I went on to a relationship that lasted 8 yrs and while it ultimately ended it was wayyyy more fun than Mr OK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 I bailed on him yesterday. He was supposed to come over, but I told him I wasn't feeling well (which was true) and didn't feel up to visiting (also true). I'm wondering if I'm avoiding him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
testcase Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I'm in a pretty similar situation. The girl I'm seeing now is awesome for me in many ways and I really, really enjoy spending time with her. She's more successful than anyone I've dated in a while and we have great chemistry. Still I just feel sometimes off. I think the attraction just isn't where it needs to be. I know I have to end it... I'm just not sure when. I guess I have an advantage where I'm I bit older so at this point I realize I shouldn't waste anyone's time. If it's been two months and you still have a lot of questions I don't think that'll change. It won't get easier to end things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 I think I'm going to give it one more month. I don't want to waste his time, but I do want to give this a fair shot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
testcase Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I think that's definitely respectable! Pretty much what I'm doing too. Just remember when you know you know! The last girl I dated for about 2 months wasn't nearly as great as the girl I'm dating now. But I never questioned that I wanted to be with her... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 You got a lot more kind responses in your journal than when I posted a similar question a few days ago. I think I'm done with my journal. I agree with mHowe in that....you only get to have sex with one person....so it should be awesome. I also think...sex can't be the only factor. But then...we see on this forum all the time, couples that don't have sex for years because...they aren't sexually compatible, but they have everything else, and they think all he everything else will outweigh the sex...and after years...it doesn't. And someone cheats. Or the relationship becomes one of roommates. Idk what the balance is. That's what I was hoping to learn about in my journal. Maybe relationships are about constantly redefining things. Different things become important at different times. Right now, sex is important...because the relationship is new, and there aren't a ton of responsibilities...but in 5 years, it will be more about raising children, fidelity, team work and trust. And in 8 years, it will be about working towards shared goals, and building a life together. Not to say sex isn't important, just maybe it takes a bit of a back burner at different times. Idk, I've been thinking about this a lot...because I really feel like jay is the right guy....I just also feel like...I've been conditioned to "not settle" so much that I've become kind of rigid in my mindset...especially when I know so many couples that settled, and are either divorced or miserable together. I'm still trying to figure out where the line is. I don't want to get divorced. I don't want to end up miserable. I don't want to ignore signs...but at the same time, I can't decide if they're signs or if I'm being too high maintenance. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I hope you don't give up on your journal --- I noticed you/Jay were getting smashed. Take it with a grain of salt. Or make your journal solo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 If sex isn't working, the relationship won't, either. I wouldn't be able to be with someone, no matter how nice, sweet, whatever he was if there wasn't enough passion in bed. However, I agree that you should give it one more month. I don't believe things will change but, at least, you'll know you've tried. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I hope you don't give up on your journal --- I noticed you/Jay were getting smashed. Take it with a grain of salt. Or make your journal solo. Thanks for the support Normally the feedback is welcome. I'm the type of person that needs to be told the chill the frack out every once in a while because...I'm like BKK, just a little tightly wound and prone to overthinking things that...really don't need to be thought about lol. I might go solo...but I'd miss the random pearls of wisdom...there has been some gems in there. Anyway, sorry for taking up your space WL. Did I ever tell you that when you can here with that user name I felt territorial? "With love" is probably one of the things I say the most in my life. I'm a straight shooter, I don't filter...but I always say it with love If it makes you feel any better...jay didn't show me passion until a few months in. We went out for a fancy dinner, and we were dressed to the nines...and when we got home...he pushed me up against the wall...and it was HOT. A different side of the reserved man I had been getting to know. It might come with time...idk. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 . . Interesting some of us at the same place. Or should I say I've been stuck in this place as well. I haven't updated my journal for the sake of sounding like a broken record. I can say 4 mo's in and feeling luke warm from the beginning and the sex not being the best I have had. . Things are getting better. M's not so reserved with me now and progressing. . and with all the things that concern me about him/us as a couple I realized that I am the happiest I have been with someone in a long while. Yes, I wish there was more of that passion WL describes. . I wish I got those weak-in-the knees feelings with him. But what I do have I haven't had in a long while. A well matched partner with similar values, interests and someone with integrity that treats me well. He makes me laugh, he's very attentive and I trust him whole heartedly. I think at the 2 month mark it's normal to question things. . just ride it out and you'll have your answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 Thank you everyone for your kind responses. They are balms over a slowly appearing wound. Tyler is fantastic. He knows what he wants, he goes after things he likes, he isn't afraid to show me that he cares for me, and I think I could be very happy with him -- if I wanted to settle. That's the bare, ugly truth. I would be settling with him. I think one of the biggest things that makes me think this - as ridiculous as it sounds - is that we don't quite 'fit' when we hug. He's reserved, doesn't lean in - almost like he does it as an afterthought. It's not the way I hug, nor the way I want to be hugged. I'm bummed. I really don't believe this is going to work out. It's not his fault. It's not mine either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 When we first started dating, my bf would hug me like he was hugging a guy friend.. complete with pats on the back. I gently joked with him "pat the dog...squeeze the gf". He has turned into a first rate hugger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 I'm seeing him tonight - will keep in mind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 When we first started dating, my bf would hug me like he was hugging a guy friend.. complete with pats on the back. I gently joked with him "pat the dog...squeeze the gf". He has turned into a first rate hugger. that gave me a chuckle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I'm seeing him tonight - will keep in mind I've had to suggest more things than I can count. I need to stop at this point because he's getting weary. (at least for now) But the good news is we are both learning and willing. . Look. . You'll never know unless you ask .. at least you'll have no regrets Something else to think about. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 I didn't notice til now - but he does do the back pats, as well. I'm going to use this line on him tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Have at it....I didn't copyright it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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