K's Dating Journal

[WithLove]

What's wrong with his mother wanting to send you a Christmas gift? She's being nice?

 

It is nice - it just makes me feel strange, because I've never even spoken with her, let alone met her. I'm not familiar with significant other parental guidelines, though. I would have just thought exchanging cards would have been nice.

[Ms Darcy]

I do think that I need to hear from him daily. It made me wince to type that. But I do think I need to at least have him sometimes initiate a "good morning, how are you? I'm working today so I can't talk, but I'll call you later" message. Or have him ask me to come over on a certain day, instead of me suggesting it, essentially inviting myself over.

 

I don't think that at 4 months, we should be all that important to each other. But I think it should at least be equal. And it certainly isn't.

 

Like I said, some people need 50/50 in certain efforts. Some people don't.

 

Calling daily isn't some special skill that only women have. Nor is it an automatic priority for women either. It's just not priority to him at this point in your relationship/in his life. Not right or wrong ... it is what it is.

 

I personally bring up marriage because he brought up marriage ... and cried about it. And in my gut there is a disconnect in communicated values/importance for him and the effort that's put in ... which is odd to me. Men who I have dated who have been serious about marriage and long-term have been communicative at this point. (Granted, I didn't need daily communication though.) The disconnect can be harmless. It can just mean he's not at the same level of attachment to you as you are to him yet.

 

I mean, you can and should be mindful of that and as time goes on see if things improve. But these little things are good to be mindful of because they can be yellow flags for incompatibility in the long-run.

 

This journal is your playground for openness and getting different perspectives - all of which are valuable. Mine is that after four months of trying to talk you down from the ledge about some level of neediness towards him, the truth is that you need daily contact from THIS DUDE at THIS POINT in your life.

 

And I can see you sort of throwing yourself into this life with this guy who fulfills your needs with words and in person but when it comes down to it is less engaged than you feel you need when you are apart.

 

You ask for a solution - rightly. I don't think you are going to break up with him (and not suggesting that you should) so the only solution is within you. You'd have to:

 

1. Change your expectations (be happy or at least content putting more effort in than him)

2. Or be more patient in waiting/hoping for him to provide you with more of what you want and need.

[WithLove]

I am not making it seem that way. You wrote...when I want to talk about something and I was t to tlk to him because he's my boyfriend.... That doesn't sound very flexible at all.

 

You seem to have real clarity on your own needs and yet interpret many of his actions as though they are directed at you. It confuses me.

 

Maybe I'm thinking of this wrong, but.... when I'm having a bad day, the first person I want to turn to for comfort is my significant other. And at this stage, I don't feel like I can count on him to extend the comfort I'm looking for when I need it. That's what I'm trying to convey. I guess I didn't.

 

I interpret his actions as though they are directed at me when the result of them, or the lack of them, effect me in a direct way.

[Fudgie]

I get it. When you are having a bad day, it's really hard sometimes. Somedays, I just want to drop everything and go home and be with my family. I am not always able though, in fact, most times I can't do that when I want. He's an hour away and you work different schedules. I think it would be difficult for him to give you the comfort that you are looking for when you're having a bad day, when you need it, at least, it would have to be delayed to when you could see him next in person. The question is, can you cope until you see him next?

 

I really hope you aren't self-sabotaging. Don't end up like me, okay?

[WithLove]

Fudgie - I'm okay with the physical comfort level I'm getting at this point. It's the other part that I'm struggling with. I'm such a good self-sabotage-er, though.

 

Mrs. Darcy - thank you for your post. It went straight to my heart.

[mhowe]

And that is where your interpretation may be off.

 

His actions are his actions. They make affect you, but the majority of the time are taken because it appeared to him the right thing to do from his.perspective. And while someone is in a relationship it is good to include or take into account their.perspective as well...the bottom line is that people.look out for their own interest. And that doesn't mean its directed at you nor should you see it that way.

[reinventmyself]

1. Change your expectations (be happy or at least content putting more effort in than him)

2. Or be more patient in waiting/hoping for him to provide you with more of what you want and need.

 

But he cannot provide her what she needs if she doesn't tell him.

 

My last serious relationship, we broke up and when we negotiated a reconciliation I said I needed `consistency'. He was so ambivalent and hot and cold at times, I broke up with him over it.

 

I was clear with him that whatever we came up with as far as time together and communication, the amount didn't matter as much as the consistency did. I wanted to be able to count on him or what would be the point of having a partner. We came up with a plan we were both happy with and stuck to it.

 

Not sure if that helps but I think that's what I am hearing . .(or maybe I am just projecting )

[Ms Darcy]

But he cannot provide her what she needs if she doesn't tell him.

 

Is this the case? I thought you had told him what you need/want in terms of contact/communication frequency?

[Ms Darcy]

But he cannot provide her what she needs if she doesn't tell him.

 

My last serious relationship, we broke up and when we negotiated a reconciliation I said I needed `consistency'. He was so ambivalent and hot and cold at times, I broke up with him over it.

 

I was clear with him that whatever we came up with as far as time together and communication, the amount didn't matter as much as the consistency did. I wanted to be able to count on him or what would be the point of having a partner. We came up with a plan we were both happy with and stuck to it.

 

Not sure if that helps but I think that's what I am hearing . .(or maybe I am just projecting )

 

This situation, correct me if I am wrong, feels a bit different to me though. I think K's dude really genuinely cares in a consistent way but it's making the same level of effort. It seemed like your dude was just fundamentally hot and cold and that came out in communication quality and quantity. It seemed more like a "oh, leave this clown" situation from very early on if I recall.

[reinventmyself]

Is this the case? I thought you had told him what you need/want in terms of contact/communication frequency?

 

You're probably correct but I think the conversation was prior her moving further away and having less time together.

Maybe a revisit?

[WithLove]

You're both correct. The first month, I lived closer, but he wasn't communicating with me much at all. It made me freak out, a lot. Then I worried more when I started moving because I wondered, how is this going to last if I can't even get him to communicate with me now and now I'm moving even further away?

 

I did talk to him about it. I told him I needed more to offset the distance. He told me he couldn't text me very much because of work obligations but that he would try to be more aware of it. He did call me more often after that. That was when I backed off and concentrated more on doing my own thing. The combination of telling him what I needed and backing off the subject period allowed us to come up with what we have now, which is that for the most part everything is good, except for sometimes.

 

I would say he's texting more than he did initially, but he has stopped calling, and he only texts me if I text him first. Otherwise I don't hear from him much.

 

I haven't talked to him since that first time about this because everyone in here told me to back off. I believed, and still believe, that was a good idea to do. Demanding more from him at that point would have been too much, too soon. And the communication we did have going on was decent, for awhile. But now that it's coming on 4 months of dating, and I'm starting to feel deeper feelings for him, I know I have needs that aren't being met, that I feel should be. And I do think I need to mention it to him.

 

I do feel like he genuinely cares and does show it, in person. But I also need to know he cares when it's not in person, because we don't see each other much.

[reinventmyself]

This situation, correct me if I am wrong, feels a bit different to me though. I think K's dude really genuinely cares in a consistent way but it's making the same level of effort. It seemed like your dude was just fundamentally hot and cold and that came out in communication quality and quantity. It seemed more like a "oh, leave this clown" situation from very early on if I recall.

 

I just caught this and I think it's directed at `my dude' (not serious bf) but last one. .Definitely should'a cut that loose sooner.

But I am referring to my previous bf whom I haven't spoken about. (pre ENA)

[WithLove]

I swear, it's like he senses when it's about to go down.

 

Confirmed that I am coming over tomorrow. Asked if he should be worried about me wanting to talk. I said no, I just had a problem I wanted to talk to him about. He said okay, then told me to bring a dress with me because he's taking me out to a nice dinner on Wednesday.

 

Sigh. I guess I can't very well be mean now, huh?!

[thejigsup]

I think you need to work on your insecurities. He sounds perfectly fine to me.

[mhowe]

Well...when you tell someone in advance "we need to talk", unless they are clueless they know it doesn't mean anything positive.

 

And it isn't "mean" to discuss your needs. However, you also need to go in with realistic expectations of the outcome anda willingness to listen and compromise.

[WithLove]

I think I'm just going to keep it short and sweet, like Fudgie suggested. "I really like you and I want to hear from you a little more. I also need you to take over occasionally in making plans for seeing each other."

 

Simple and concise and doesn't leave any questions.

[mhowe]

He's allowed to have questions. And it seems he.planned a date night instead.of just a sleep over.

[WithLove]

I meant, it doesn't leave any questions as to what I want and need. Of course he's allowed to have questions. I'm sort of trying to get my point across to him without getting emotional about it. I tend to do that and it's awful. I don't want to ruin a nice time together by being emotional over something I can just be cool about by stating what I'm wanting.

[WithLove]

Does anyone remember me saying there was a shooting at that Halloween event in my neighborhood at the end of October? There were actually 5 people that got shot, and one person died from the wounds. Today it was unanimously voted that this event would not be held in my downtown area again.

 

I'm relieved, to be honest. 20k people were expected for this event, but 40k people showed up. There was security, yes, but really, how can anyone be expected to be prepared for a turn-out like that? I mean, when my group showed up, it was early yet, and there were 2 security guys at the check-in, but they didn't even inspect us at all. J had a Nerf gun that he had repainted to look like a real one, and I had a foam bat that had been repainted brown with red spots for blood... neither of us had them inspected, at all. They could have been real weapons, as far as anyone knew.

 

They say the event needs to be held in a more secure place, like an arena or something. But the non-profit that sponsored it initially is facing a $5-million lawsuit because of the kid that died from getting shot. I doubt they will sponsor it again after this. So either way, it'll never be the same.

[Fudgie]

There is an annual spring event that is held in my city (about a block from me too) that draws over 500k each year, and a couple years ago, we had some hoodlums organize a mass fight between each other and someone brought a shotgun. Total choas. The city got scared that the money-bringing suburbanites would be scared off by these violent folks (thus, less profit at the festival) so they implemented strict security measures and made a big deal about it. Bags checked and pat downs. Mounted police everywhere. Police cars surrounding the perimeter 24/7. They also closed the event after 830pm each night.

 

Unfortunately, you can't trust some to act like human beings in public and this is the price we all pay.

[WithLove]

I'm thinking of getting all glammed up for tonight. Spending the evening with J at karaoke and then spending the night and spending the day with him tomorrow. Then he's taking me out to dinner tomorrow evening. I thought maybe it'd be easier to talk later tonight if I looked good?

[Cheetarah]

You mean it boosts your confidence when you get dolled up(hence, making it easier to talk)? Sure, go for it.

[WithLove]

Well, maybe it'll keep me from getting emotional because I won't want to mess up my make-up.

[Cheetarah]

Lol. Hopefully your eye makeup isn't waterproof, then.

[thejigsup]

You're just going to ask him to keep in contact more often. Why on earth would you get emotional? You're making a simple request. Are you a woman who cries easily? I ask for stuff all the time from people if I need it. No biggie. I don't understand why there would be tears.