K's Dating Journal

[Ms Darcy]

I think he's just a not-call-much or text much kinda guy. Honestly. If you have talked about it and talked about it, that's the way it is.

[WithLove]

For someone that claims to want marriage and a family so badly, he doesn't seem to be putting in much effort into laying the foundation. That's how I feel.

 

How do I change how I feel?

[Seraphim]

You have to ask yourself if the only way to lay a foundation is to text or talk on the phone. There were generations of us that did not text at all but still laid a foundation. Personally ,I think people need to throw smart phones away and actually interact with each other in real life.

[WithLove]

I totally agree with you, Vic. But I don't know how to do that. We see each other so rarely as it is. And it's mostly an effort on my part - it's easier, because I don't work weekends and can see him in between his work schedule easily. He does get days off during the week, but I work then and have to be in at 8 - so it'd be silly to ask him over only to make him leave so early in the morning on a day off.

 

I'm struggling with this. I'm scared that I'm going to sabotage it. I want to keep him around but I really don't think my needs are being met. I don't think they are completely unreasonable but I also know they aren't what his norm is.

[Seraphim]

I don't know, I think technology has created really different and new expectations other than what I had as a young person. We had the telephone and letters. Lol. When I met my husband we lived about 45 minutes away from each other and I didn't have a car but he did. We would see each other university. But he had one job and I had three. And his parents were really pissy about me calling after 8 PM because his dad still work shifts and wanted no phone calls to his house after 8 PM . So not a lot of communication other than face-to-face was really possible. And I just accepted that.

 

So I don't know maybe I'm just not understanding the generational difference.

[Fudgie]

I think you're just dealing with the implications of having a long distance relationship (a little bit that is) plus having to work different days. It is harder. I don't think you or he is necessarily doing anything wrong; it is what it is.

 

I am not sure if Facetime/video chat is an option for you guys but have you tried that?

[WithLove]

How does he expect me to know if he wants to see or hear from me if I never see or hear from him, though?? That's where I'm struggling.

 

He doesn't have an iPhone. How do we video chat?

[Fudgie]

I'm assuming he has an Android smartphone? There are a lot of free apps you can use for video chat. Tango comes to mind as being one that I've used in the past as I've always owned Android phones and not iPhones so there's that.

 

i think he really does care, he's just not the sort of texting/calling kind of guy. He has tried to make an effort so clearly, he does care. However, it's up to you whether or not this is working for you

[Seraphim]

Or Skype on his pc.

[Ms Darcy]

For someone that claims to want marriage and a family so badly, he doesn't seem to be putting in much effort into laying the foundation. That's how I feel.

 

How do I change how I feel?

 

Uh, he wants a wife to do the heavy lifting. Maybe not consciously but stuff wouldn't move forward without the woman for certain types of guys (perhaps he is one) - you make more of an effort to see each other, you push the marriage issue, you have the babies, you do most of the childreading. Some women are cool with that.

 

The very few guys who have been super 50/50 with parenting where always 50/50 before marriage.

 

I point that out because he can be very passionate about the relationship in different aspects but at the same time not put the work in.

[Seraphim]

I really hate this 50-50 stuff. I really really do honestly believe it destroys relationships. Nothing , zippitty nada is 50-50. I really think 50-50 is a really huge fallacy that people have come to believe in.

 

The reality is men and women are raised different. The reality of biology is that our brains work differently. Men are not going to think like women all the time. Are individual people different ,absolutely. But I see so many women make mistakes in thinking that men are going to think like women. And I know people are going to think that I'm sexiest but it is really just biology and socialization.

[WithLove]

Then what is it that I am doing wrong? I'm not the one pushing for marriage or kids. At all. I just want to know that I'm being thought of and that he wants to be in a relationship with me.

 

I want to be in a long-term, meaningful relationship. I wouldn't mind marriage if I determined he was the right guy. But in general terms, it hasn't been the end goal for me. I just always wanted to be part of something with someone. Just... be part of a relationship where I knew that I was loved and cared for.

 

What am I doing wrong??

[mhowe]

I agree with Vic. Women who expect men to act/need like they do are setting themselves up for disappointment. How about focusing on how he IS showing his love and attention instead of focusing on how he isn't doing it the way you want it done.

[faraday]

Yes, don't you remember the entire first month of our relationship? I was struggling so badly with what I perceived to be lack of communication by him... when in reality, everyone here told me I just needed to chill the f out. So, I did. And you all were totally right. I concentrated on other things and mellowed out. And he responded to that - he called me more and didn't really text still but did reply when I needed him to. It's mostly been okay. But yes, this is not the first time I'm feeling like my needs aren't being met. Otherwise I wouldn't post it here.

 

We've been together nearly 4 months.

 

Oh, I remember. I'm asking you if you ever did end up talking to him about what kind of communication you need.

 

It's now been an appropriate amount of time for you to tell me him he needs to step up his game.

 

It's not going to happen after one conversation. It will be ongoing, and the change will be gradual.

 

I actually talked to Jay this morning right after I posted my first response....I asked him what I said to him to make him call more, and he said it happened gradually...I had to remind him and tell him plainly what I wanted, not "I need to hear from you more" but "I need you to call or text me everyday." It was a habit he needed to develop. I haven't had to remind him to call me in close to a year. Because he knows it's important to me. And when he does call, if he sounds tired, I thank him for calling, tell him how awesome he is, and let him go so he can go sleep. I only keep him on the phone for more than a few minutes if he seems really awake and into talking to me (because he works 16 hour days).

 

I guess I'm curious how you want your J to contact you more when you've said that you work opposite schedules...and you don't necessarily want him to wake you up when he gets off work at 10...and earlier in the day you're working. Can you guys set something up where you call him on your first break at work maybe? Or lunch. Whatever works timing wise.

 

My mom calls my dad every break she has. It's been a tradition they've had since...forever. I think is excessive- but it works for them...I would suggest once a day over three times though lol. It's a habit. You guys need to make those.

 

 

______________________

Learn to be all that you are, and accept with good grace all that you are not.

[reinventmyself]

I see two things. One is you knew this about him going in and you've adjusted your expectations accordingly.

Everyone has a different level of a need for contact. Doesn't make it wrong, it just makes it different.

 

However, at this point you are realizing you've lowered your expectations to the point you're needs are unmet and you are starting to feel resentful.

Rather than just not going to his house this week, which is passive way of dealing with the issue tell, him how you are feeling?

Tell him you respect his needs and the difference between the two of you, but you need just a little more effort on his part to meet you at least part way.

He sounds like a good guy and he probably just doesn't get it.

Add in a long distance relationship and limited amount that you do see each other, I would explain to him that you feel a big disconnect in between time together

(I speak from experience) and it's hard to lead separate lives, feel disconnected and try to make up for lost time in the small windows of opportunity you do currently have.

Couples need to keep that fire burning and not risk letting it die down in the meantime.

My guess is this even on his radar.

But don't tell him when you are upset and in turn he feels defensive.

[WithLove]

I agree with Vic. Women who expect men to act/need what they so are setting g themselves up for disappointment. How about focusing on how he IS showing his love and attention instead of focusing on how he isn't doing it the way you want it done.

 

Because how he shows me his affection and attention is less than how he doesn't. It sounds awful, but that's the truth. When he calls me, even for 5 or 10 minutes, I'm good. Even if I hadn't heard from him once that day. If he texted me a couple times that day and made me feel good, then it's fine. When I'm in his actual company, it's pretty blissful. I would almost say perfect. But the times when I don't hear from him, and don't see him, are outweighing the times that I do.

 

I do think that I need to hear from him daily. It made me wince to type that. But I do think I need to at least have him sometimes initiate a "good morning, how are you? I'm working today so I can't talk, but I'll call you later" message. Or have him ask me to come over on a certain day, instead of me suggesting it, essentially inviting myself over.

 

I don't think that at 4 months, we should be all that important to each other. But I think it should at least be equal. And it certainly isn't.

 

Maybe instead I should pull far back. Not initiate at all and let him set the pace of how he wants this to go. He's the one that wants marriage and kids, after all.

[mhowe]

You keep saying he wants marriage and kids....someday. Not in a few months. You guys have been together for 4 months...barely over the hump and you are action g like he is practically engaged to you. You require daily communication apparently. He doesn't. Could there be a compromise?

 

Sure. Have a conversation about it. Personally....I have no need for daily communication when dating. Especially before the first year is out. Especially when you aren't on the same schedule.

[WithLove]

That's why I'm struggling so much. We aren't on similar schedules. I've been trying SO HARD on reigning myself in and keeping my madness under control. I'm used to being in a relationship where we talk throughout the day and see each other several times a week. So to go from that to THIS is so different. It's incredibly difficult.

 

But truthfully, after the first month, it got easier. I was doing my own thing and didn't think about it so much. And I was happy. I posted about it in here. I wasn't lying. Yeah, it was still hard, but not as much as before. I chilled out and tried to just let us get into our own groove, and it worked. I don't know why or how it got thrown back out now. I think maybe the whole kids and marriage talk we had the other week sort of threw me. I think the holidays did, too. He's important to me, but I'm realizing I don't know how important or to what capacity I am to him yet, and that's really unsettling. It's weird to be 'casually dating' someone that you know wants marriage and a family. I've never casually dated anyone before.

 

Mhowe, I get what you mean about acting like we're engaged. Because that's how we act when we're together. I'd be annoyed if I was anyone else and saw us in public. We're THAT couple. Always touching and kissing. Not making out or anything, gross. But overly-sensual. Because we don't see each other much. So it's like we're making up lost time.

 

Then last night, he tells me his mother wants to know what I want for Christmas. His MOTHER. The man has a breakdown over not seeing his family over Thanksgiving and expects me to allow his mother to send me a Christmas gift. I told him no, but she's insistent. I've never met the woman. She lives a state away.

 

But on your guys' advice, I asked him if I could come over tomorrow and if we could talk. Even if it's just me telling him 'I know I'm not supposed to say that I'm freaking out, but I'm saying it anyway' then at least he'll know. And he needs to know that I need more.

[Fudgie]

I don't think hearing from someone that you're dating once per day is much to ask at all. I am not someone who usually texts a ton but when it came to my SOs, I'd talk on the phone with them once a day. I dated guys in college who lived further away (I refused to date anyone at my college) and I would have a full day and talk to them when I had downtime later.

 

I don't think that this is reminiscent of a commitment or anything. It's just a communication style. You can talk all day if you want and still not be committed, or you can go for days without talking and still be committed. Heck, I broke up with K because FUTURE commitment scared me and I freaked out and ended it. We always had some form of contact once a day. See what I mean, not connected at all.

 

Don't make this into a big deal. Just say (in person) "Hey, I like it when I hear from you once a day, it helps me feel connected to you when we are apart."

[WithLove]

I think it's more that when I do need to talk to someone, and I want it to be him because he's my boyfriend, it just doesn't feel like he makes time for me. So even though those times aren't very much, the fact that they've happened more than once now, like several times, makes me want to address it with him. I don't want a part time boyfriend. If he wants to be with me, he's going to have to accept that I am a basketcase and sometimes I need that connection with him.

[Fudgie]

Close your eyes and picture a regular workday for you (and him, assuming) and tell me what it looks like in terms of communication between you two, in an ideal sense. How many times is he contacting you? How? What do you talk about? What would it take to make you feel really secure?

[mhowe]

That may be asking a lot.

 

Realistically that means...I need you to be here for me when I need you, how I need you and regardless of whether you feel it is important. At 4 months in a long distance relationship.

 

And yet when he expresses himself (I miss my family)....you take it as a personal slight.

[notalady]

What's wrong with his mother wanting to send you a Christmas gift? She's being nice?

[WithLove]

Close your eyes and picture a regular workday for you (and him, assuming) and tell me what it looks like in terms of communication between you two, in an ideal sense. How many times is he contacting you? How? What do you talk about? What would it take to make you feel really secure?

 

I don't really need to "chat", really. It's nonsensical. It would just be nice to hear from him, period. Just for him to let me know he's up and about, that he's working today, or what his plans are if he isn't. Maybe two or three texts in a day? Or just a phone call during my lunch for a couple minutes to discuss plans about seeing each other? Or a phone call after work on his way home to vent about a stupid customer? Not every day. Two or three time a week possibly? A handful of texts a day on the other days?

 

That may be asking a lot.

 

Realistically that means...I need you to be here for me when I need you, how I need you and regardless of whether you feel it is important. At 4 months in a long distance relationship.

 

And yet when he expresses himself (I miss my family)....you take it as a personal slight.

 

I took it as a slight because of when he said it and how he said it. I didn't convey that when I posted it here. Not just that he missed his family. It's perfectly okay for him to do so and okay to say so.

 

You're making it sound as if I need him to be at my beck and call at all hours. To text me constantly, asking me if I'm alright and if I'm having a good day or bad day. I'm not asking that at all. I wouldn't ask that of anyone. I'm asking him to make just a little more time for me when we're not together to balance out the time from when we are together. I don't think it's an unreasonable request.

[mhowe]

I am not making it seem that way. You wrote...when I want to talk about something and I was t to tlk to him because he's my boyfriend.... That doesn't sound very flexible at all.

 

You seem to have real clarity on your own needs and yet interpret many of his actions as though they are directed at you. It confuses me.