K's Dating Journal

[thejigsup]

I did my Master's thesis on the factors of resiliency of adult children of alcoholics. My father was an alcoholic, so I wanted to find out why I grew up to be a drug-free, ambitious, happy, member of society and why so many adult children of alcoholics do not. Well, in the writing of this paper the first thing I discovered was that I am not so perfect. I hold myself to almost inhuman standards of perfection, I always graduated at the top or near the top of my class, had to be a size 5, had to have perfect hair, teeth, etc.... At the same time, I held others to very low expectations, I didn't have much faith in others at all. After writing this thesis I started working on myself and now, I hold other people to high standards and I allow myself to be less than perfect on occasion. What I'm getting to is that adult children of alcoholics want to have complete control over everything and that is impossible. Pregnancy and parenthood frighten us because we lose control of our bodies and how our children will act or become (parents have some control there, but not as much as they think they will).

Now, resilient adult children of alcoholics are resilient because they give up needing control in many areas, they accept help from others in tough situations, and they DO NOT feel the need to be perfect in every situation. Heck, no one is perfect! That was my big lesson. Try looking at it this way: pregnancy and motherhood mean giving up control and not being "perfect"...and that's okay. Allow yourself to fail sometimes without beating yourself up. Start holding others to higher standards as well. And, here's the biggie, learn to TRUST yourself and others. This is the key to a healthy life. Don't trust blindly, of course, but be aware that most people may be flawed, but they mean us no harm. Trust yourself to be able to handle pregnancy and motherhood. You won't be perfect, but you will most likely be good enough, like the rest of us.

[Fudgie]

I think that deep down, most people prefer their own family to their SO's, and I wouldn't expect it to be otherwise. To me, no other family can top my own in my own heart...but is that really so bad? I wouldn't expect a partner to take on my family as their own or love them more than their own family. I think this is a normal thing and it's just something that you'll have to come to accept. Him saying that he misses his family is most definitely not a reflection on your or your family or your relationship with him. He loves his family and misses them during the holiday time. It's 100% normal and okay. And it's okay to voice it. It's not a contest at all.

 

As for children, yes, I think the vast majority of women have some fear of getting pregnant and the experience because it's brand new, you don't know what it feels like, and it's just, well, scary! Of course, I'm not talking about crippling "tokophobia" (fear of pregnancy) because that can actually be crippling to some people who have it! That's normal. I've said it before and I'll say it again: don't let fear be your motivating factor. I think that leads to regret. My desire not to have children comes not from fear, but because I don't want them. If you sit and examine your feelings and feel that yes, deep down you would like children and you feel that you'd be missing out/regretful if you didn't, then I wouldn't chose not to simply out of fear. I would hate for you to make a choice that you would come to regret.

[Seraphim]

Absolutely , I prefer my own family to my husband's and send 15 times on Sunday. Lol. He knows that and is not offended. He prefers his family too. I am not offended by that. They raised him and he loves them.

[WithLove]

I finally was able to check out my insurance stuff and there's definitely no way I can afford therapy. I have a $2000 deductible and then they'll cover 80% of each office visit after the deductible is met. But there's no way I can meet that deductible by myself in a year. I can't afford it. Sigh.

 

What's the point of having health insurance if you can't even use it??

[thejigsup]

I never had therapy. I just worked on myself by myself. It worked pretty well. I read a lot, was getting my Master's in a division of psychology, and just did a ton of research. Writing my thesis saved my life. You don't need a therapist all of the time, you just need knowledge.

[faraday]

I finally was able to check out my insurance stuff and there's definitely no way I can afford therapy. I have a $2000 deductible and then they'll cover 80% of each office visit after the deductible is met. But there's no way I can meet that deductible by myself in a year. I can't afford it. Sigh.

 

What's the point of having health insurance if you can't even use it??

 

That sucks. I wouldn't be able to swing that either.

 

I can't seem to find a decent therapist to help me work through things, so after trying out about 7, I gave up and started reading...one of the best books, that helped me deal with my relationship with my mother (I actually started reading it about 3 years ago, doing homework, working on stuff, and was feeling pretty well resolved with transference right before I met jay- woo-hoo!) and it's called...When the Past is Present. It was a really hard read (although this was before ADD meds, so maybe its not that bad)...like I would read a page at a time, think about it for a few days...then start reading again. It helped so much though.

 

I'm not sure what things you want to work on though.

 

 

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[WithLove]

I like the idea of therapy because I like talking to someone. I like give and take. That's why I like my journal on here. I can put down my own thoughts and get some thoughts back. Can't get that from a book.

[faraday]

I guess start saving money then

 

Sorry, books helped me so much. Thought it might be a decent compromise for you.

 

 

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[Fudgie]

I'm sorry you have high deductible insurance. I HATE deductible insurance and I could go on a full spiel about how it harms more than helps but ah well.

There is no way I'd have therapy if I had high deductible.

 

We are always here for ya, but you know, some self-help books also have "workbooks" in them, so you can write out your thoughts according to certain questions they ask. You may find it very helpful. And you can always share with us what you are writing. I haven't done that in years but I had some self-help books in my teens (for depression) that helped some and they had workbooks.

[Cheetarah]

There were times I used books and private journaling when I wasn't able to go to therapy. It helped bridge the gap, but it wasn't a substitute for a well-matched therapist. Certainly better than one you don't mesh with, though.

 

I've been trying to help find my mom a Part D plan(Medicare RX) and some of the deductibles are ridiculous. She has low cost medications, Tier 1 and 2 and one Tier 3. I finally found something that excludes T1 and T2 from the deductible, so she only has one med she'd have to buy at full price to meet it. Well, twice. It's expensive as hell. She didn't know she had to have a Part D plan last year, so now she gets penalized for the rest of her life even though she will have one now. It's 2 dollars a month, but that is so stupid.

[WithLove]

When I order my regular venlafaxine through my new insurance, IF I order it through their home deliver service and IF I order it in a 3-month supply, it's going to cost me $109!!!!

 

I'm going to cry.....!!

[WithLove]

I drove to see J last night. I decided to sleep over as well, something I've never done intentionally on a week day since I work. I had so much fun. We spent the evening playing silly quizzes on his computer and then went to Taco Bell for dinner with Ted. Then we went to karaoke like we used to do. I haven't been in over a month. Everyone seemed so happy to see me. I got big hugs from everyone and many compliments on my weight loss (still in the 10 lb range). J was very affectionate all night long. He kept touching me, putting his arms around me, holding me from behind, etc. I think he missed me! It was a really good night and did wonders for my happiness and self confidence, too. Before leaving the house, I was fixing my hair and both men were waiting on me (J and Ted) and they kept teasing me about being the last one ready... I made a comment about just needing to put on some make-up quick and both immediately said "you're beautiful, you don't need it" at the same time! It made me smile and giggle. It earned a kiss for J and a big hug for Ted. (I left without make-up but did put on some eye shadow and mascara in the car.)

 

Of note: we didn't have sex, but I am okay with that. We were both tired by the time we got home (about 1 am!) and I had to be at work by 8... not to mention being an hour away. But I got to sleep next to J and cuddle all night long, and that was totally worth the trip. It's really telling to me how in every other relationship, sex was such a big deal to me. I mean, I felt like so much rode on whether or not we had it. It's so different now. I love when we have sex, but I'm equally happy if we just sleep next to each other. I think my idea of a healthy relationship is maturing, and it's telling me that this relationship could be something real.

 

I'm starting to develop deeper feelings for J. I'm questioning the things I want and need for myself now and in the future, but I'm also thinking of what he wants and needs, too. I respect him and I know that eventually I am going to have to make a choice.

[Ms Darcy]

Congrats on the weight loss! It's an important thing to do for your health.

[WithLove]

Thank you! I feel good. I notice it mostly in my hips. My love handles don't seem to be as plentiful as before.

 

I've decided that I'm going ask my doctor to start weaning me off the weight loss meds now. I don't want to be on them anymore. The results have been admittedly good, finally, but I'm so over the facial numbness and extremity tingling. And my body is familiar with when I need to feed it now and how much I can eat and be comfortable with (instead of overstuffing myself for every meal). I just need to get back to going to the gym. When I got paid, I got a bunch of chicken and veggies. I have the food to eat healthy. Just need to put it into action.

[Ms Darcy]

You have the tools that you need. Stay strong ... you can do it!

[reinventmyself]

I drove to see J last night. I decided to sleep over as well, something I've never done intentionally on a week day since I work. I had so much fun. We spent the evening playing silly quizzes on his computer and then went to Taco Bell for dinner with Ted. Then we went to karaoke like we used to do. I haven't been in over a month. Everyone seemed so happy to see me. I got big hugs from everyone and many compliments on my weight loss (still in the 10 lb range). J was very affectionate all night long. He kept touching me, putting his arms around me, holding me from behind, etc. I think he missed me! It was a really good night and did wonders for my happiness and self confidence, too. Before leaving the house, I was fixing my hair and both men were waiting on me (J and Ted) and they kept teasing me about being the last one ready... I made a comment about just needing to put on some make-up quick and both immediately said "you're beautiful, you don't need it" at the same time! It made me smile and giggle. It earned a kiss for J and a big hug for Ted. (I left without make-up but did put on some eye shadow and mascara in the car.)

 

Of note: we didn't have sex, but I am okay with that. We were both tired by the time we got home (about 1 am!) and I had to be at work by 8... not to mention being an hour away. But I got to sleep next to J and cuddle all night long, and that was totally worth the trip. It's really telling to me how in every other relationship, sex was such a big deal to me. I mean, I felt like so much rode on whether or not we had it. It's so different now. I love when we have sex, but I'm equally happy if we just sleep next to each other. I think my idea of a healthy relationship is maturing, and it's telling me that this relationship could be something real.

 

I'm starting to develop deeper feelings for J. I'm questioning the things I want and need for myself now and in the future, but I'm also thinking of what he wants and needs, too. I respect him and I know that eventually I am going to have to make a choice.

 

Nice update WL. .

Glad to hear things are going so well. . you deserve it!

[WithLove]

Sent the weekend at my family's. Didn't ask J to come along because it was a holiday celebration put in place before I met him. But everyone asked why he wasn't with me and I felt bad for not asking; even though I knew he wouldn't have been able to get the time off from work, anyway. Messaged him a bit yesterday and he sounded lonely and a little down. I tried making plans for later in the week/next weekend and couldn't get anything solid from him; I think he was just having a bad day. I'm hoping he'll call me this evening to chat. I miss him. I haven't seen him since Tuesday and it is unlikely I'll see him this week.

[Ms Darcy]

You should make sure you are making an effort to initiate calls with him as well.

[WithLove]

Didn't hear from him all day long, til I finally messaged him. I knew he was working, but if I don't text him first, it's very unlikely that I'll hear from him it all, at least until he's out of work. Then it's like after 10 pm, and my days start at 7 am. Anyway, I'm a bit resentful of it today. I asked him about plans again and again he ignored it. The first time I assumed he didn't get the message; but not getting it a second time? I let him know I would not be traveling that way since I didn't receive and answer and he apologized for ignoring me. Then said he would indeed like to see me this week.

 

I always feel like when I text or call him, it's inconvenient and bothersome. And I figure, that's probably because my communication needs are greater than his. I don't want to argue about it again. We've been doing so well. But this keeps cropping up. I don't know what to do about it.

 

I think I'm going to stay home this week. I was going to go over on Tuesday night and stay over. But I feel at this point that I'm the only one making any effort to maintain this. He comes over here to my place when he gets a day off on the weekend, but that's pretty rare. Maybe once a month, if that. Otherwise it's just easier for me to go over there because I always have weekends off.

 

Sigh. I'm just irritable over it.

[faraday]

It would annoy me too.

 

But when you feel like that, it's the moment you shoud be reading over the good times in your journal.

 

Normally do you think effort is 50/50? We can't always put in everything we've got- sometimes our partner has to pick up the slack for a bit. But as long as overall it's 50/50, it's good. When it's skewed for extended periods...that's when is time to reconsider.

 

 

______________________

Learn to be all that you are, and accept with good grace all that you are not.

[WithLove]

When we're together, yes I feel it's 50/50. When we're not, it's definitely not. I'm always the one to initiate communication. I try really, really hard to remember that our communication needs are totally different and that he works the same amount of hours I do, but his are more demanding because he's essentially in retail and is in front of customers all the time, so can't respond like I can. And he's told me multiple times he's not a fan of texting. But at what point does communication with your significant other become inconvenient and bothersome? When it becomes an actual effort to do it? I just don't feel like that's how it should be. I don't like that I always feel like I have to time it properly to see if he's available to message or call him. It should be a joint effort. Even on good days, when I'm mindful of all of that and don't 'bother' him, that's not the way I should think. That me reaching out to him is bothering him. You know? That's how I always feel.

 

I know yesterday and today has been bad for me and that's why this is cropping up and making it more than it really is. But I can't just ignore that this is how it is most of the time, just that I'm in a better mood most of the time and it doesn't bother me as much.

 

It's not even that I text him stupid, nonsensical things. I ask him specific questions and expect answers when he's able to message back, or maybe a phone call. But sometimes I don't get that. And then, when it comes to making plans, I'm always the one looking ahead and trying to plan on when to see each other. In reflection, part of me thinks it's because most of his life is very structured and plan-based, and he's always the one in charge of all that, that he lets the reigns go when it comes to us and lets me do all of it. Sort of relief that he can do that. And I suppose that's good, that he's comfortable to do that. But damn it, if I don't feel like I'm the one doing all the work most times.

 

Sigh. It's a bad day. Yesterday was too and today's worse. Stupid insurance stress spilled over again and now everything that's an irritant in my life is 100x worse.

[WithLove]

The thing that makes it worth all these frustrations is that it's so good when we're together. I love being around him. I mean, we do get into minor disagreements very occasionally, but it's hardly a blip on the radar. Every 'problem' we've encountered has been when we've been apart and it's been me struggling with the lack of communication because of the distance. It's not even that far. An hour. It's easier for me to go see him - it always has been - but that doesn't mean I should be the only one making the effort.

[faraday]

You guys have been together 3 months?

 

Have you had any "I need to hear from you more" conversations with him? What did you say? How did he respond?

 

 

______________________

Learn to be all that you are, and accept with good grace all that you are not.

[WithLove]

Yes, don't you remember the entire first month of our relationship? I was struggling so badly with what I perceived to be lack of communication by him... when in reality, everyone here told me I just needed to chill the f out. So, I did. And you all were totally right. I concentrated on other things and mellowed out. And he responded to that - he called me more and didn't really text still but did reply when I needed him to. It's mostly been okay. But yes, this is not the first time I'm feeling like my needs aren't being met. Otherwise I wouldn't post it here.

 

We've been together nearly 4 months.

[WithLove]

If I have the ability to go to his place tomorrow, and stay on Wednesday, should I? Or should I stick with my guns and stay home this week? I'm not sure when we'll see each other again.