K's Dating Journal

[Cheetarah]

Because everyone loves my family. Especially my mom. I've never had a boyfriend come from my mother's house saying "I miss my own family". In fact, every single one of them has loved her more than their own and has said as much.

 

Because I'm afraid of everything he wants, and that I can't give him all that. That I'm not enough.

 

Because scary words like "family"; "kids"; "children" aren't ones I wanted to think about so early in a relationship. But I also feel it would be disrespectful of him to not think of them; these are what he wants and his ultimate goal. I have to figure out if they are what I want, too.

 

You need to think about them. Even if your stance is "I don't know, I ride the fence" then that has to be weighed against his stance and he needs to be very honest with himself and you completely. It's not only about him it's about your relationship goals. It could be anyone. If you are looking for something long-term(which I am assuming) then you need to know where you want to go, even if that means knowing you're uncertain. And he needs to know that.

 

Being around your family made him miss his own. Where does "not being enough" come into that? Do you feel like you and yours should be the only thing that he needs? I'm asking real questions here, no snark.

[WithLove]

No, I don't feel like me and mine should be enough. I meant that I'm the woman he's dating, and I'm letting him into my life and my family, and it hurt my feelings when he made a remark about missing his own right in the middle of my own family's celebrations. It sort of embarrassed me. Made me feel like he was appreciative of being there, but it was sub-par to his family because my family isn't his family. I guess I just feel that if the roles were reversed, even if I felt the same way, I would not have had the same attitude.

 

In regards to relationship goals: my feelings and stances have changed a lot in the past few years. Just in the past year, really. I would like to get married one day. I would like to have that commitment with someone. But kids are still an undefined value for me. Not a yes or a no; they are just a huge source of fear. I feel that I can't make a decision about them until I know why I'm so afraid of them. And how to overcome that.

[mhowe]

He said "I miss my family". Period. He didn't pout, sulk or say it to hurt you. It was an honest statement of fact.

 

You have managed to internalize it and make him ungrateful, comparing, and hurtful. It was none of those things.

[WithLove]

It wasn't just "I miss my family". He was on social media, looking at pictures his father had posted of some family gathered around the table for a meal. Another comment was something like "Aww, there's all my family. I never get to see then, not even for holidays."

[mhowe]

So what...he checked in via social media to his family's celebration. Is he supposed to ignore what his family is doing?

 

He missed them. Whether he was with you or not, he misses being home.

 

Your family doesn't substitute for his.

[Cheetarah]

Okay, I am going to try and spin this for you in a different light.

 

When I lived on the east coast with an old boyfriend, on Mother's Day we went to see his mom. He hugged her, made her breakfast, brought a gift. It made me think of my own mother 1000 miles away and I said I missed my mother. Because that is what I would have done with her. It didn't mean it wasn't nice spending time there with his family(she was a great lady, one of my favorite boyfriend families). It meant I wanted to be able to do that with my mom, too - But I couldn't.

 

Do you understand? Wouldn't you miss doing holiday things with your mom/family?

[WithLove]

Of course. I do sympathize with him. I've been in his situation. I lived 1400 miles away from my family for 3 years at one point. But I never mentioned missing them while at a boyfriend's family's get-together. I would feel disrespectful if I did. I guess it's just me. I'll get over it.

[mhowe]

It's not disrespectful. At all.

 

I spent the holiday with friends of my boyfriend. It was my first time at their clan party. They even asked what "my family" was doing, and they made me feel most welcome.

 

It isn't a contest. Perhaps before Xmas you might examine where this internal dialog is coming from.

[WithLove]

Okay.

 

Him missing his family is not about me.

 

Right?

[Seraphim]

No, it is not about you at all. It is no reflection on you, it is no comment on you , it is not a reflection on your family, it's not a comment on your family.

 

Feelings just ARE. And everyone is entitled to their feelings and entitled to express them. Basically by feeling bad you're telling him he has no right to express his feelings or have them.

[mhowe]

Not in the least. I missed our family Tday traditions, it was also my dads birthday. Can't help but be nostalgic. But my father has been dead 9 years, mom for 2 holiday seasons.

 

My bf kept saying "you had fun, right." And I had much fun. But it's different.

[Cheetarah]

Okay.

 

Him missing his family is not about me.

 

Right?

 

Not at all. Girl, you need to work on this internalizing habit. It's not fun feeling like everything in the world is either your fault or a reflection upon you(been there, sometimes still fall back a few steps).

 

As far as the child issue, I know you have said a few times that you really fear pregnancy. In fact you've said that more often than you have made any indication you DON'T want kids. Maybe I am being too literal, but I am taking it as such - That PREGNANCY scares you. More than the...end result of such. Is that right? You've mentioned your mental health, your medications, etc.

[Ms Darcy]

Of course. I do sympathize with him. I've been in his situation. I lived 1400 miles away from my family for 3 years at one point. But I never mentioned missing them while at a boyfriend's family's get-together. I would feel disrespectful if I did. I guess it's just me. I'll get over it.

 

One thing I would suggest is to go beyond sympathy - with can be a fleeting "Oh, I felt that way too" feeling. I would suggest going for empathy. It's very hard. But try to go beyond the immediate "ME ... I feel hurt and/or embarrassed and/or disrespected." Just spend time focusing on your boyfriend and comforting him and listening to how he feels.

[WithLove]

Not at all. Girl, you need to work on this internalizing habit. It's not fun feeling like everything in the world is either your fault or a reflection upon you(been there, sometimes still fall back a few steps).

 

As far as the child issue, I know you have said a few times that you really fear pregnancy. In fact you've said that more often than you have made any indication you DON'T want kids. Maybe I am being too literal, but I am taking it as such - That PREGNANCY scares you. More than the...end result of such. Is that right? You've mentioned your mental health, your medications, etc.

 

Yes, pregnancy itself scares the s**t out of me. And so does kids, but more so because... I can't be selfish with kids. I can't say "I'm having a bad day, I need to be alone" when there's a kid around. All of my mental issues will have to be put aside and I'm not prepared to do that. It's taken me a long time to try to accept that I even have them. I still don't really accept it. I just deal with it. Take the pills and try to ignore it.

[Cheetarah]

Well, I can understand your view. And I don't know how true this is for other people but some things surfaced when I had my son. Stuff I had to deal with a long time ago that I didn't. Not a lot but a few things I had stuffed away. But I'd also been in therapy for a long time(on and off) so I had worked through many other things...And I am glad that I did. Because there is no way I'd be able to deal with all that while raising a child. So I can understand you.

 

But for your own well-being, taking kids completely out of the equation, here - I really suggest you stop ignoring the reality. Taking your pills and pretending you don't have mental health problems or how they affect you. I was talking to my therapist about certain mental health conditions and whether therapy is helpful for them. Like schizophrenia, for example. I had no idea the benefits of talk therapy for schizophrenic patients and how they have been studied.

 

Don't duck your head in the sand. You will pay for it later.

[faraday]

When you're a parent and you're having a rough day- you ask for help. Even as a single parent, I still got a lot of help. My parents, my daughters fathers parents, siblings, my friends...and as Tine got a little older, her friends parents. Actually, friends parents are the main source of me getting alone time now...play dates are amazing.

 

Also, raising a self sufficient child. I raised Tine to play. And she does- without anyone. She'll play for hours on her own and be perfectly content with making forts for her stuffies and making art for me to hang up. A lot of parents cater to their children, and their kids stalk them. Tine knows to go find things to do or else I find things for her to do that aren't fun- like dusting lol.

 

It's really only the first year or two that is really rough with having a child. After that...it gets pretty manageable.

 

And pregnancy...it IS terrifying. Yes, take comfort that billions of women have done it before you, but I totally get why you'd be scared....I was. I still am nervous about getting pregnant again...it was hard on my body. But then...I look at Tine...totally worth it. You will feel like that too if you decide to go that route.

 

Getting pregnant by accident forced me to deal with my fear...I mean, it was done, it was happening...I had no choice (well, I did, but I didn't want to go that route). And I think that's how it is for a lot of women. I remember having several meltdowns while pregnant because I didn't think I'd be "enough" for my girl. We were broke, so I felt horrible about that...I didn't think I had it in me to be a parent. I was terrified I would be like my mom- distant and cold...I was scared I would start drinking like she did. I was scared I wasn't strong enough...I wasn't grown up enough....but that's what's kind of neat...when they're born they don't need a lot except for physical things...they needs cuddles, milk, diaper changes and warm. It's hard, but it's easy, do you know what I mean? You don't need to be there mentally- just physically. And if you're aware of what you don't want to be, you can be different. I realized a few months after birth that I was suffering from postpartum depression- so I got meds. I was still fine to breastfeed, and it helped me bond with her properly after that.

 

I find dealing with some things harder now because...she asks tons of questions and needs my mental presence...I can't space out and be in my own head space as much- and it's challenging. I live in my head. But the flip side of that- she doesn't really need my physical presence as much- she plays, she has friends, school, her tablet, books...she needs me to feed her and remind her to take baths...but she gets a lot of her own snacks from the fridge, and bathes herself now...so...it shifts. But all the early stuff with her has been training me for all the mentally harder stuff now. It's gradual.

 

Sometimes I feel bad for jay because he just jumped into having a 7 year old. And because of that- he doesn't really get what having a baby will actually be like- he doesn't get how hard the physically present part is yet. I don't think he appreciates This stage...one day he will though lol.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is...that I think most women are scared. Having a child is the single biggest life changing thing you'll ever do. Your life will never be the same. But having a child...is the most rewarding things I've ever done- I feel selfish sometimes- because having her was the biggest ego boost. She's so cute, and so sweet...and I get told that everyday by people. And I mean...she's mini me. What a good feeling.

 

Whatever you end up deciding...it will be fine. You will be fine. Life works out as long as you keep trying.

 

 

______________________

Learn to be all that you are, and accept with good grace all that you are not.

[thejigsup]

I HATED children and when I found myself pregnant with my son, I wasn't scared, I was very resentful. I had a very rough pregnancy, I had no symptoms the first 3 months, but from the 4th month on, I was so ill I couldn't even keep water down. I was not a happy camper. My entire pregnancy I only gained 20 lbs., I was that sick, and working full time on top of that!

What I'm getting to is that the second my son was born, those maternal instincts kicked in with a vengeance! I adored my son, loved being a mom, and thought motherhood was the best thing I had ever done (I still do). It's tiring, you don't get much rest for the first couple of years, but worth it? Oh, Hell yeah!

[WithLove]

I've been doing a lot of internalizing lately. Avoiding people. Getting paranoid over things that shouldn't matter. I think I need to look into finding a therapist again. There are times I think, man, I'm really screwed up. I can't do this. But then, I think.. I have my journal here, and I can manage the day to day things. And it'll be okay.

 

But I'm afraid of sabotaging what I have with J. He's already looking towards his future. And I have all this negative stuff still plaguing me from my past. My dad and his alcoholism. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know what my right answer is. I know of a couple answers, but not if they are what I want or right for me. And I don't think I can financially swing it. Plus, taking time out from work to do it. I did it for a couple months. It exhausted me. Skipping lunches to make up the time. It doesn't seem like much. But being at a desk for 9 hours a day without a break, dealing with patients and doctors and nurses. It's stressful. It sucked not having that hour to get away from that.

 

I'm stuck right now. I feel like I have a good thing going with J. But eventually, he's going to want to know if my feeling about kids and a family has changed. And if it's what I want. And I have to know if I do want that. And if I don't, I want to be able to tell him that it's because I just don't want children and not because I'm just afraid of them. Because he already knows that and thinks, well, eventually maybe a want for kids will make me get over my fears (I'm assuming).

 

When I was in my early teens, I was very smart and knew what I wanted. Now I'm 26 and I have no clue. I don't know where I'm going and I've never felt more lost. I just would like to have some consecutive days of knowing that I'm okay, that I'm happy and that I'm a good person.

[Cheetarah]

"I don't know" is an answer. Being uncertain is a stance and it's fine to feel that way. And so is being afraid of them/pregnancy etc. If you want to dig into that for yourself, by all means do it. But don't feel like you have to fish for an acceptable answer for J. I mean, considering he just threw his true desires at you only recently out of fear you'd freak out is kind of...Unsettling. Yeah, you need to revisit that conversation. And again..."I don't know, I need to work on myself and that's my focus" is an answer.

 

I know it's a young relationship but the issue of marriage/children goals really, IMO, should be disclosed asap if a long-term relationship is what is desired and not a casual dating setup.

[Ms Darcy]

I may be reading it wrong, but it sounds like you want marriage and a family. And you know J wants marriage and a family. You are moreso afraid of not being able to handle it mentally.

 

It seems like the gap analysis here is to keep working through whatever it is to get ready in the next few years - whether with J or someone else. Realistically, if the relationship works out, it's going to be another 3-5 years before you'll have to really be making these decisions (about when to have kids). (Of course, there is always a chance of an unplanned pregnancy.)

[WithLove]

I have PCOS and an IUD. The chances of me having an unplanned pregnancy are very slim. Even if I was ready for a family, I'd have to get the IUD taken out and I'm still half as likely to get pregnant. Something else I'll have to explain to him.

[Seraphim]

Not that I want to convince you to have kids if that's not what you want. Everyone is entitled to what they want in that regard. But EVERYONE, every single woman has an aspect of fear when they get pregnant even if they want to be. It IS a scary thing. Being a parent IS scary. So you are not odd or alone in being afraid.

[Cheetarah]

Yeah it is scary to have something growing inside you and you have no control over it. And yeah it's scary to parent children. It's a lot of things. There is no one word to describe it but scary definitely is in there.

 

It wasn't meant to be this way, I didn't expect it and I'll never tell my son this, because it would put a responsibility on his shoulders he should never have - But he kind of saved my life. Not gonna lie, thought my life was ruined throughout much of my pregnancy. But parenting and advocating for him has pushed me to make better choices all around. I wouldn't give this life back for any of my old life. Yeah there's little things I miss like spontaneous travel and such. But I was also a really big mess. 20/20 hindsight and all that. I would never want to be that woman again, though at the same time it has shaped me so I don't really regret my past decisions much. Or I try not to because there is no point in it. He helped me be a better person and it's me who is supposed to be shaping him...Yet he's teaching me without even knowing it, without meaning to. Just existing, being my child. We're learning together.

 

Christ, I'm misty eyed. This, too. I never cried over so much stuff as I do now that I'm his mother.

[WithLove]

This morning, I sort of had a thought that made me stop and wonder.

 

I'm an only child and was alone a lot growing up. Mom and Dad worked full time and after they divorced, Mom had 3 jobs and I also worked. So I didn't spend a lot of time about family and learned to prefer the solitude of being by myself in my own space.

 

But lately, the increase in moodiness and general depression gets worse the longer I go without contact with someone. When I have low moments, I withdraw and isolate, because it always was what gave me comfort before. But now, it just enhances my feelings of being lost.

 

I think, for the first time, I'm finding that I prefer to be around people I care about, and that care about me, rather than being alone.

 

So now I have to wonder: what do I make of it? Is it bad because now it's sort of like I'm relying on other people to lift me up when I'm feeling down, instead of doing it myself; or is it a shift in the right direction, a slight, tiny move towards the "I think I want marriage and a family someday" idea? I don't know.

 

Either way, I've been alone with no physical contact since thanksgiving, and I've skipped my medication daily because, well, if I'm alone, all my mood swings and neurosis won't bother anyone but me. But that's not how it's supposed to work. I asked J if I could come over last night; a last-ditch effort to latch on to someone I know won't turn away, I think. Somewhere inside, I recognized that what I'm doing isn't healthy and I needed to reach out to someone. But by the time he got back to me, it was already after 10 pm and he's an hour away, so I didn't go. But I recognized that I actively sought comfort from someone, instead of no one. I think that might be important in some way. Good or bad? Not sure.

[mhowe]

I think that for your medication to work properly, it is supposed to be taken daily, optimally at the same time. Not when you feel like taking it. In order to normalize your mood swings, consistency is your ally.