faraday Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Your story reads like a dramatic magazine article. I'm really glad he didn't end up doing anything, and is safe. That sounds so horrible to go through WL, I'm sorry that you have to deal with stuff like this I wish I knew what to say...that's so brutal. I'm sorry Hun. *hugs* ______________________ Learn to be all that you are, and accept with good grace all that you are not. Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Thank you. I'm still reflecting on what to do. Talking to some friends about it on here and IRL. Everyone seems to agree about going to police, either now or at least telling him that I will do so if this happens again. My mother is the only one that cautioned me against it. She told me it would sever our relationship beyond recall. I can only assume she'd know based on the fact that she has called the cops on him once or twice before. And obviously, the marriage didn't work out. Link to comment
faraday Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 If he ends up killing his ex, that will sever his relationship with pretty much everyone...and land him in jail for the rest of his life. Idk. My brother had a drug problem when he was younger. He was dealing...and doing a lot of illegal things. We worried that he would get caught in a bad deal and end up defending himself and killing someone...but that was a lot more hypothetical than getting in a car and driving somewhere with guns and saying "I'm going to take care of them" kind of thing. We all pretty much abandoned my brother...we stuck by him for about 4 years before we decided collectively that we couldn't keep doing it. Eventually...I guess he outgrew it. He was busted a few times...it got to the point that if he was busted again, he would have done serious jail time...and that seemed to be the turning point for him. He's straightened himself out...and it's been a struggle for him, but when he came back and said "I want my life to be different". We jumped in to help him. Idk what you do with someone your dads age...he knows this isn't a great way to live, but it's apparently better than dealing with all the emotions of being sober. It would be so hard to phone him in. I can't imagine being in your situation...but I think I would. I mean, idk for sure, because it's hard to imagine...but I think you should. I think as an ex I would want to be warned if I had an ex after me...but you said she's not stable, so if you think she would call him and aggregate him, it might be more damaging to give her a heads up. I feel for you WL. Let us know what you end up doing. ______________________ Learn to be all that you are, and accept with good grace all that you are not. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Go to the station and talk to someone. Ask what your options are. At the very least, they will know that the chances of him driving drunk with loaded weapons is a possibility. Hell...its a probability. I would think that other peoples lives weigh more importantly then whether he gets angry at you. Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Is there a way to go to them as a nonemergency and form it as something like "I know someone, this is what happened, what are my options from this point forward"? Without implicating him at all and without giving my name? Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 They won't put up with that nonsense. He cannot be arrested for drunk driving if he isn't in the car. They cannot take his guns away without his permission....unless he has them in the car and does not have a license to carry. Time to be an adult. If you do not deal with this and it happens again and he gets in an accident...he is going g to jail or prison. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Here in California, if you know something like this and don't go to the police with it, and he does kill someone, you will be seen as an accessory to murder and will be charged as such. You could have saved someone's life, but you chose not to. Go to the police next time, IMMEDIATELY! Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Then I suppose that's something I'll deal with next time, Jigs. I'm not going to say anything at this time. I will have a talk to him and tell him my bottom line: which is that if I ever hear of something like this happening again, I will be calling the police immediately. I will be getting his license and plate number. If he's going to an event or something that I know he'll be drinking at and I know he'll be the driver, and he doesn't call me or someone to get him home, I will be calling the police. I can't do anything about the guns. He will hide them after I speak to him, I'm sure. They'll magically disappear. The only thing I have to use is his driving, and that's what I'll use. If he gets pulled over for a DUI, he loses everything. His driving license but also his contracting license, which is his livelihood. Hopefully he will recognize the severity of the situation. He's going to be so angry. It's likely I won't hear from him for awhile. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 No one in my family realized my father was still drinking. He ordered diet cokes. He had it set up that they would put vodka in it. By the time I was told, it was too late to atop that night. But from my action s, my father never drove our family again. In fact, he stopped sneaking vodka. And no ones life was ever at stake. "If you find out"??? You KNOW he will drink and drive. I am speechless. Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 What am I supposed to do?? I don't live with him! He lives half an hour away! I'm just supposed to wait for this to happen again? Call when he's caught in the act? Sure, sounds good! Let's do that! Let's wait for him to get super drunk with guns again! Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 He gets drunk all the time and he has loaded guns in his possession. God forbid you try and alter that dynamite keg. What if he never talks to you again. Denial isn't a defense. Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 I don't have anything to say that doesn't have anger in the response, Mhowe. Thank you for your input. Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 He has a right to bear arms unless a convicted felon (he isn't) and unless he is intoxicated right this moment, there wouldn't be anything they can do. So in reality, even if I were to go to the police right this moment, unless I knew for absolute certain that he had just gotten into his truck, or that he had just threatened someone with a weapon, there's nothing they could do. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 They can go talk to him. I understand the Constitution. He has a right to own guns. For his safety and the safety of other people, he should not have access to them when he is intoxicated. He has no right to threaten to shoot his ex. He has no right to drive drunk. Who knows when he will be "triggered again". When she shows up at his watering hole? When he sees a story on the news? I pray that he doesn't take a life because neither you nor his friends want him to be angry. Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 J spent the holiday with me and my family. He slept over on Wednesday evening and we went to my Mom's for Thanksgiving meal at noon yesterday. Finally decided on stopping in on Dad's celebration to make an appearance. It was alright. I introduced J to some people I've known for most of my life. We stayed about an hour, then left. He headed home and so did I. He made a comment that hurt my feelings. Something about missing his family and not being with them on holidays. I sympathize that he misses them because they live elsewhere, but the way he phrased it made it sound as if being with me and mine for the holiday was a poor substitute. I mentioned it to him and he said he did have a good time with me and my family; it's just that he misses his, too. He said he called them on his way home and got choked up on the phone. I didn't really know what to say. I suggested that maybe it's too early for holidays together. His roommate is like family to him and was busy doing other things; maybe he should have stuck around home instead of coming with me yesterday. J said maybe; but that he did enjoy himself, it's just that it's been a tough year for him and he didn't expect to get hit so hard by it on the way home. I don't know. I do feel bad that he's hurting. But there's nothing I can do about that. All I can do is open my home to him, and I have. Share my family. It sort of felt like a slap in the face, to be honest. In my head... being with someone, learning about them, accepting them as your significant other... is about letting them into your life, sharing your family, etc. It's not that it went badly. Just that his reaction isn't what I guess I thought it would be. Half of me is wondering if this reaction is some sort of convoluted way of his self-conscious telling him he's saddened about his ex, since the previous holidays were spent with her. Does that make any sense? She was his family... they were together for a few years... and now that his "family" is no longer around, it makes him sad. And even though we're dating and what we have is going really well, it's not the same. Since it's still new and all that. So I think for Christmas, we likely won't be spending it together. I'm sad about that. I don't think we'll exchange gifts. Just doesn't seem like he's prepared for that. Link to comment
faraday Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 His comment about not being with his family wasn't about you. Of course he misses his family. It's what he grew up with. He can enjoy time with you and still miss his family. Jay still misses his family...it's not a slight to me. You know how when you go to Thanksgiving dinner at someone else's house and it's a great dinner, but it's not the same? Your family has special dishes and traditions that other people don't have? We always make a broccoli cheese bake. And stove top. And homemade cranberry sauce. And Rosemary in the mashed potatoes. And we have dessert in the afternoon a few hours before dinner. It's how we roll. So it's different when I go to someone else's house...it doesn't make it any less good...it's just...not my family's dinner. Do you know what I mean? As time progresses, you make your own traditions...and eventually you blend them with your partners. Last year, jay went home for Christmas. We had been dating 9 months...and because of his work schedule, I think I saw him all of 5 days in December, it sucked. This year....we're hosting Christmas, and his family is coming here. There will be 14 of us this year Such a big change from a year ago. The compromise? This year here, next year, we'll go out to see his family. Together. It didn't happen last year....because we were still new and it was expensive and difficult logistically to do...but next year will be different. So give it time. And don't be dramatic about presents. Get him something. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 None of his family lives here. So it's not something that will ever be fixed, unless he ever decides to move. So I expect he'll always get moody around holidays or unexpectedly. What do I do in situations like this? I certainly didn't want him to be alone, that's why I wanted him to come with me to my family's. And many of my father's friends were at his party, and wanted to meet J. They've known me for most of my life. Link to comment
faraday Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 I didn't realize he was moody when he said he missed his family. Was he mean about it? When you first described it, it sounded like he was sad. Things get easier with time. As your family (and you) becomes more familiar to him, it will be an easier adjustment for him. He'll probably always miss his family, but you and your family (like his exes family) will eventually help to fill that void. I mean...he went to thanksgiving where he was meeting a lot of people. I know they're special people to you, but they're strangers at this point to him...but eventually he'll know them too. Being with strangers is a lot different than family, don't you think? Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 He didn't seem moody at all. Or sad, really. I didn't even know he was til he said he was. He hid it very well. Yes, I know you're right. I guess I just wasn't expecting to face that. Link to comment
faraday Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Why are you taking it so personal? Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
faraday Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Why are you taking it so personal? Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Not what I'm saying. What he's saying. Like why...does it mean he's "not ready" for Christmas with you because he misses his family? Why is your first reaction to all of this, "no gifts, nothing"...and to feel like its a reflection on you? No judgement. Curious. It might be good for you to think about too. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 Because everyone loves my family. Especially my mom. I've never had a boyfriend come from my mother's house saying "I miss my own family". In fact, every single one of them has loved her more than their own and has said as much. Because I'm afraid of everything he wants, and that I can't give him all that. That I'm not enough. Because scary words like "family"; "kids"; "children" aren't ones I wanted to think about so early in a relationship. But I also feel it would be disrespectful of him to not think of them; these are what he wants and his ultimate goal. I have to figure out if they are what I want, too. Link to comment
faraday Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 He didn't enjoy spending time with your family? Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Apparently he has a very loving family. That should be see as a (+), not. (-). Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 Yes, I think he did enjoy it. I didn't sense that he wasn't enjoying himself, at all. Maybe he just had a moment where amidst the enjoyment, he started missing his own family. I don't know. That's why I posted about it here. It confused me, too. Link to comment
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