K's Dating Journal

[Fudgie]

K, there is no shame in being on meds, or insulin, or therapy, or whatever. If the side effects are bothering you, you can get some things adjusted but ultimately, you may need meds. I know I do. Sometimes, you just do. I simply do not have enough serotonin in my brain and so SSRIs work great for me and help me feel better. I wish I did, but that's not the way I was born. You can't will it that way.

 

You are a strong woman to go through all that you're going through and to still hang in there. Don't ever believe that you're not.

[WithLove]

My doctor told me that generally, the rule of thumb is that a patient can attempt to slowly decrease pill dosage until they have stopped taking them completely, 3 times. If after 3 times, it's decided that they still need to be on them for whatever reason, then it's generally accepted that the patient will likely need to be on some sort of that medication forever. That's so depressing.

 

I haven't made any attempt yet. I know I'm not ready for that. And the thing is, I don't really think I need therapy in the general sense. I know what my problems are. I just have some good days and some bad days.

[WithLove]

Do you ever think about the person you used to be before you started taking meds?

 

I wonder sometimes. I don't even know who that person is. The person I was and who I am now are completely unrecognizable. If I were to suddenly start talking to someone I knew in high school right now, they wouldn't even be able to tell I was the same exact person. In reality, I'm no different. But I am. I really am.

[Fudgie]

I began taking meds at around age 11, so I started a lot younger than you. I suspect my libido would be higher if I weren't on my meds but I was not sexually active (I didn't even have my period!!) when I started them.

 

I have thought about myself pre-medication. I think I was a little more emotional, not always a bad thing. I was also a bit more creative, I think. I still like to draw and I'd like to get into painting again, but I think I was a little more into art before the meds started.

 

Of course, I tell myself, does it really matter what "she" was like? I would be dead now if it weren't for my medications. I can either stay on and live or go off and die.

[faraday]

There's still stigma about meds...which sucks, because very few people have given me a hard time about my UC drugs (one lady did, she had a homeopathic cure she could sell me...umm...no thanks.).

 

Meds are good. I'm so thankful I found the meds for my ADD, and wish I had found them sooner. Embrace that you've been on them...because...they really do make us better. I wish I had started mine younger. This is the first year I haven't had SADD...ever. And I'm pretty sure it's because of my ADD meds- it's helping me to be more productive- and be outside more. That helps so much.

 

I know it's tough. But they really are benefiting you...and there is no reason to feel like you need to get off them at any point. You can try, and if you do, great, and if you don't- that's fine too- don't define "success" as med free. Success is being functional and happy:

 

 

______________________

Learn to be all that you are, and accept with good grace all that you are not.

[Seraphim]

WithLove, my husband has been on SSRI's for almost 2 decades. And he will for the rest of his life. Why? He NEEDS them to function otherwise he is literally laying on the floor utterly crippled by anxiety. I mean literally laying on the floor.

 

My dad as I have mentioned is bipolar he absolutely should stay on his medication. He is totally worthy of being locked in a mental ward if he is not on medication.

 

A chemical imbalance really needs chemical correction.

 

Would you take heart medication if you had a heart problem?

[Ms Darcy]

I am out of my element here ladies. I think it's always tough when you want something (e.g. to not be on meds) and yet have to do it. Drugs, for no matter what the purpose, are expensive and scare (in the sense that they are not an unlimited resource). Perhaps also inconvenient to take. So, I can see why it's inconvenient from those aspects.

[Fudgie]

don't define "success" as med free. Success is being functional and happy:

 

Yes, this.!!!!!!

[WithLove]

To me, taking anti-depressants will always mean I failed. My depression got the best of me. I couldn't control it myself. I needed help. I couldn't do it alone.

 

I'm sorry for how that sounds. But that's how it's always been for me. It hasn't changed yet. And I don't know if it will.

[Seraphim]

Well, it does not in anyway mean that in the least . You said you are bipolar . The ONLY way you correct bipolar is through chemical correction. You DID NOT FAIL. You were born this way. How do you "fail" at being the way you're born? That makes no sense.

[Fudgie]

But that's the thing with depression....or bipolar...or schizo... if you have clinical depression, you CAN'T control it. It's not situational where you can just take yourself out of a problematic situation and feel better. It goes on no matter what. You'd never get after someone with heart disease for having arrhythmias "hey, why can't you control it without meds?". Or, someone with diabetes, "diabetes got the best of you, you should be able to control your sugars without insulin".

 

I used to feel very similar to you, that taking medicine made me weak or something. But I don't feel that way now. I understand that I have a biochemical imbalance and need to take meds in order to function. You know, it's not really different from someone who has Parkinsons and needs to take L-Dopa (precursor to dopamine) so they can control their symptoms. Without it, they will shake and become kind of stiff. But you wouldn't tell them "hey, get a hold of yourself, you can beat it without meds". Depression is the same thing: problems with neurotransmitters. So let's treat it as the same thing.

 

Just give yourself some time and allow yourself to think about it. The problem with mental illness is that we see it different than other illnesses because it affects the mind, so we should be able to control it, right? That's not always the case.

 

I like this cartoon:

 

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[Seraphim]

I agree I am so so so so SOOOOOOOOO happy my husband takes medication. He is a functional and happy person. And if it takes a little pill to do that that's perfectly fine with me and perfectly fine with him and if people don't like it they can go to hell.

 

I will agree that there is stigma and it shouldn't be there. You really need to stop stigmatizing yourself though.

[Cheetarah]

Lol @ the cartoon.

 

WL, you've got that old school mentality going on. Like depression is something you can dust off your shoulders. Depression is not a personality 'defect' or indicative of the way you handle things. It is an illness.

 

I know you weren't asking me, but you asked about thinking of the person people were before meds - I don't miss her at all. In fact, I finally feel like ME after nearly 2 years of being on an SSRI. I don't know if I will ever get off and I don't much care. I had many years of being untreated(with medication) and I'm sad I waited so long. I didn't have to suffer like that. Therapy took me a ways but only so far. Therapy was far more effective after I was medicated. If I grow a lizard tail one day or an additional boob(because evil big pharma), it's fine. I'll take it.

 

When you change the lens through which you see mental illness - Then you won't feel like you have "lost". I bolded illness because I think that is a really key thing to highlight.

[WithLove]

I think because the most traumatic thing to happen to me - my parent's divorce - was something I was able to go through without the help of meds. So for me to go through almost 10 years past the divorce without help, and then to need it now.. Well.. You can imagine how stupid I feel. Or maybe you can't. I don't know.

[Seraphim]

Being bipolar is not about situation. It is a chemical imbalance.

[Cheetarah]

I think because the most traumatic thing to happen to me - my parent's divorce - was something I was able to go through without the help of meds. So for me to go through almost 10 years past the divorce without help, and then to need it now.. Well.. You can imagine how stupid I feel. Or maybe you can't. I don't know.

 

Well, I goes years between eczema outbreaks. Then sometimes I get a bunch of flares for months. Sometimes when I am really stressed I get them - And sometimes when I am really stressed, I don't. And sometimes I have no idea why I get them.

 

You are trying to attach emotional rhyme or reason to an illness.

[Seraphim]

[video=youtube_share;mbbMLOZjUYI]

[Ms Darcy]

I agree I am so so so so SOOOOOOOOO happy my husband takes medication. He is a functional and happy person. And if it takes a little pill to do that that's perfectly fine with me and perfectly fine with him and if people don't like it they can go to hell.

 

I will agree that there is stigma and it shouldn't be there. You really need to stop stigmatizing yourself though.

 

Do you think the stigma is around the medicine or the underlying condition? Or a combination?

 

And how much of the stigma is self-imposed, societal, or a combination?

[Seraphim]

Do you think the stigma is around the medicine or the underlying condition? Or a combination?

 

And how much of the stigma is self-imposed, societal, or a combination?

 

Combination.

 

But once people stop stigmatizing themselves and stop internalizing societies' issues it gets a lot better.

[Seraphim]

And I am in no way saying any of this is easy. I've carried around mental illness for 35 years. I've had a mentally ill father for my entire life and mentally ill spouse, and a child that has his own anxiety issues. I know it is not easy.

[petite]

There is definitely a stigma surrounding mental illness. Mentally ill people feel often stigmatised because of the way society views them and how they are treated. When a person is labelled by their illness, they are seen as part of a stereotyped group. Negative attitudes create a prejudice that leads to negative actions and discrimination. It does not help that most portrayals in the media of people who have a mental illness are negative. The person who has a mental illness is usually portrayed as someone to fear, and who is at best potentially dangerous or, at worst actually murderous. Because of the stigma associated with mental illness, many people are reluctant to speak about their illness, or to seek help. I know for me, I do not disclose my depression to many people because I know different people will have a different reaction to it and I just do not want to be told that I am simply having a bad day.

 

If and when you choose to get of prescription meds, maybe you could turn to something like 5HTP? 5HTP is the precursor to serotonin. 5HTP is a simple way to increase brain serotonin levels by bypassing the rate-limiting step. /

I actually just started taking it as I am not interested in going on prescription meds (and I am OK now, have good and bad days but more good). However, I've noticed that it is helping me. However, I also go to acupuncture, which I think can help too. Of course everyone has different experiences so wat works for me might not work for you and vice versa.

Sometimes depending on the severity of depression and or anxiety (or other mental illness'), nothing beats prescription meds. I've heard of meds literally being life savers for people, which is good.

[WithLove]

Day 2 without the weight loss meds. I'm already cranky. Waiting for the physical side effects of withdrawal to start. I took my last one late on Sunday. I usually take them first thing in the morning, but I knew I wouldn't have any over the weekend so I waited as long as I could. I got as afar as Sunday night (from Friday morning), but I had started feeling withdrawal symptoms by early afternoon Sunday. So, I'm expecting to feel them again around lunch today. With any luck, my script will have been sent to the pharmacy by that time. But with my new insurance, I still have no idea what it'll cost to get them. I doubt I'll be able to get them til Friday. Sigh.

[thejigsup]

One of my best friends is bipolar with SchizoAffective Disorder. With her meds, she is happy, healthy, and what anyone else would consider "normal". Her own doctor thought of meds as something she should try to wean herself from, so he took her off of all of them. She almost ended up in a psychiatric ward. Stupid doctor. He put her back on her meds and she just started both a new job and a new relationship and she is handling both of them well. I have severe hay fever and I am not ashamed to take my meds, they help me. Same thing goes for you. Just be thankful your meds work and you are able to handle life with them.

[WithLove]

Just sticking this here from my other thread.

 

ENA friends, I need some insight and advice once again.

 

Yesterday was one of the most traumatic days I've had in terms of dealing with my father's alcoholism. Bear with me, please, as I walk myself through this.

 

I got a phone call at work about 10:45 in the morning from my father's friend, L. I never get calls from L. He asked me if I had heard from my father last night or at all today; I had not. L told me my father had been up drinking all night long with another friend of his, S, and told S that he was taking his guns to go shoot someone. And that no one could reach him today (yesterday) and he and two others were out looking for my father but couldn't find him. L also told me my father said he wouldn't be going to work today.

 

I felt my limbs go numb. I knew immediately that my father was likely talking about his ex, whom he still loves, but she's psychotic and it was a heavily toxic relationship. I know that they have very little interaction, but every few months she shows up at the bar he frequents with her boyfriend just to rattle his cage. It's the type of person she is. Something must have happened to make him upset and that's why he wants to go after her.

 

I called him immediately and he answered. I didn't let on that L had called me; I just told him that it had been a few days since we'd spoken and I wanted to see how he was doing. He said he was doing okay and he was at work. L told me he said he wasn't going into work. I asked him what his plans were for the day; he said not much but that my aunt (his sister) would be coming into town later and we should go see her. So I said okay, told him I loved him and we hung up.

 

I called L again, told him what my father said. I told work I had a family emergency and had to leave. I drove over to the jobsite that my father would be at and he was not there. I then drove to my grandmother's house, where my aunt would be staying, hoping he'd be there. He wasn't, and neither were they, but my grandmother's boyfriend was. I told him what was going on. He then called my father; my dad answered and first said he was at home, then said he was in the town where his ex lived. He said he had all his guns with him, loaded, and he wanted to "take her and her boyfriend out". He said he had nothing and no one. Grandmother's boyfriend tried talking some sense into him; but he just wasn't listening. He was very drunk. He eventually stopped responding and hung up. I didn't know what to do. But I know that my father gets very creative and elaborate with his stories when he drinks; so I hoped that maybe he really was home and not out in this other city, about half an hour away. I called another friend and asked her to drive by his house to see if his truck was there; it was not. Then I remembered that a good friend of his also lives in that same city, so I called him to see if my father was there, but got no answer.

 

I was deciding on whether I should call the police or not. Grandmother's boyfriend told me not to, that he believed my father was "all talk" and wouldn't do anything. Before I did anything, Dad's good friend called me back and told me that he was with him, and had left about 20 minutes ago. So I left, drove over to my father's house, and his truck was there. He hit the garage door pulling in - it's dented. I don't know if he hit someone or something coming home. I poked my head in the front door to make sure he wasn't lying on the floor, but he was passed out on the couch. So I shut the door and left.

 

I didn't check his truck for his guns. I thought about it, but I'm only familiar with pistols and I didn't want to touch potentially loaded guns that I'd have to carry inside. My father isn't a stupid man; he was drunk and angry, and I'm assuming today he brought all his guns back inside with him. Of course, reflecting back, maybe he is a stupid man.

 

So now, it's the day after. I haven't spoken to him. My boyfriend is coming over tonight and we're supposed to meet up with my father tomorrow for Thanksgiving at a friend's house. If we go, then I have to pretend nothing happened, even though everyone there will know. It'll be the elephant in the room. And I don't want him to think I've forgotten what happened. But if I don't go, I'm afraid that he will be deeply hurt and decide not to go himself, and possibly have a repeat of yesterday.

 

My father doesn't get like this normally. Yes, he drinks, but he's not normally destructive like this. It takes certain events, the right amount of alcohol, and the right amount of anger/depression for him to act out like this. I don't know if he drove out there with the intent to harm someone and got cold feet, or if he stopped at his friend's place first and his friend talked him out of it.

 

I don't know what to do. I didn't call the police and I probably should have. There's no time to talk to him between now and the holiday tomorrow about what happened. I don't want to cut him out of my life; but I cannot take a day like what happened yesterday again. I can't do it. I don't have the mental capacity to deal with his alcoholism anymore. I moved out so I wouldn't have to, but it followed me in the worst way. One of the absolute worst phone calls you can get, I've discovered, is that your father is drunk, has all his guns, and can't be found.

 

What do I do? I don't even know where to start.

[WithLove]

Amidst everything that has happened - I'm pretty low on funds til Friday and don't have much for dinner for when J comes over tonight. I do have some bread and eggs, and I can pick up some syrup, so I suggested French toast to him. He said "Food is food. Whatever it is, it'll be better with you."

 

It's the little things.