K's Dating Journal

[Ms Darcy]

I think it's good to have these kind of conversations early too.

 

I'll be honest though ... I have yet to meet more than one man who didn't *implicitly or explicitly* expect to find and marry a wife who would basically do all the heavy lifting with raising children and then come in and "help" and do the fun stuff (playing games, going to ball games, fun fun fun). I'd be interested to see him after a week or two of sole responsibility of a child (not a few hours or a day). After a day of taking care of my energetic nephew my husband looked at me (dead serious) and said "We are going to have a nanny."

[WithLove]

J has far more experience with children than I do. He is well aware that I am the youngest person in my family (at 26). I've made it very clear that I don't think I have much of a maternal instinct. Even though he doesn't believe me when it comes to his goddaughter, as he has seen how we interact. So if it ever did happen... well, it would definitely be me asking for the nanny, if anything. LOL

[Ms Darcy]

OMG nannies are expensive! If you have a full-time nanny, it can cost you $30k a year. I have a rich colleague who actually "shares" a nanny with a couple friend of theirs for about $20k. Not really feasible for most folks.

 

At my work, either the wife stays home or is home part-time with the kids or they pay $1,000 to $1,500 a month in day care.

 

I don't know what's more daunting about motherhood - the effort or the expense.

 

And the "he doesn't believe" you stuff is that implicit expectation that once you get pregnant you'll develop super-mom hormones and want to be with the baby all the time.

 

I hate to make men sound incapable. They are capable. I've done a LOT of talking to women and at best it's 60-40 and if the relationship doesn't work out it's 80-20 on the mom. The only situation where it's more 50-50 is my brother-in-law and he doesn't work (they are missionaries and on welfare). They seem to get by alright with their three kids but that is their entire life.

 

So I say take your time to think about it but don't have a baby unless or until you are really ready to be the primary/lead ... not 100% but more than 50%.

[reinventmyself]

J has far more experience with children than I do. He is well aware that I am the youngest person in my family (at 26). I've made it very clear that I don't think I have much of a maternal instinct. Even though he doesn't believe me when it comes to his goddaughter, as he has seen how we interact. So if it ever did happen... well, it would definitely be me asking for the nanny, if anything. LOL

 

I didn't have much of a maternal instinct either and was raised by a very emotionally detached mom.

Heck. . I didn't like to babysit as a teenager but did so reluctantly just for the money. . But not much.

 

I struggled as a new mom but not only did I do it. .I did it well. No one more surprised then myself I turned out to be this warm fuzzy connected Mom and continue to be.

I think it some ways it healed a lot of what I didn't get as a kid. Looking back, I think the first baby I ever held was my own! Imagine that.

Don't underestimate yourself!

[thejigsup]

I had never had any maternal instinct. Nada. None. Zilch. I didn't even like spending time with my brother's kids. I was resentful my entire pregnancy and didn't look forward to being a mother at all. Then...I gave birth and saw his face. I suddenly loved that kid more than anyone or anything on the planet. I still do. Never say you have no maternal instinct, you just may turn out to be a super mom. I did.

[reinventmyself]

I had never had any maternal instinct. Nada. None. Zilch. I didn't even like spending time with my brother's kids. I was resentful my entire pregnancy and didn't look forward to being a mother at all. Then...I gave birth and saw his face. I suddenly loved that kid more than anyone or anything on the planet. I still do. Never say you have no maternal instinct, you just may turn out to be a super mom. I did.

 

**sweet** . . .

[Fudgie]

I think it's really hard to say whether you're maternal or not and base a choice off of that. Biology plays such a big part in how mothers interact and see their offspring. Maybe I would have been a great mom, maybe not. I don't know; too much unknown there. I am excellent with patients, even difficult ones, so I know I have a caregiver streak somewhere. But that's neither here or there, I'm not willing to sacrifice my time and sleep for a new human being. Base it off of whether or not you genuinely want a child in your life and everything that it entails, good and bad.

[reinventmyself]

A friend of mine married a man with a 5 year old rambunctious boy. She was so out of her element and becoming increasingly frustrated and resentful. I was a new mom and she was coming to me for support and trying to figure out why she didn't feel maternal towards this boy and instead unhappy with her decision.

 

I tried my best to explain to her what it's like to have one of your own. Words fall short when trying to explain the difference.

4 years later, the step son now 9 she had a child of her own. She had moved away but send me long hand written letter sharing with me how hard she tried to wrap her head around what I was trying to tell her 4 years previously. But with the birth of her own, she now got it. Not only did she `get it' but it changed the way she saw her step son too.

 

Ok. . I'll get down off my soap box now

[notalady]

A friend of mine married a man with a 5 year old rambunctious boy. She was so out of her element and becoming increasingly frustrated and resentful. I was a new mom and she was coming to me for support and trying to figure out why she didn't feel maternal towards this boy and instead unhappy with her decision.

 

I tried my best to explain to her what it's like to have one of your own. Words fall short when trying to explain the difference.

4 years later, the step son now 9 she had a child of her own. She had moved away but send me long hand written letter sharing with me how hard she tried to wrap her head around what I was trying to tell her 4 years previously. But with the birth of her own, she now got it. Not only did she `get it' but it changed the way she saw her step son too.

 

Ok. . I'll get down off my soap box now

 

I often cringe when I see crying babies and children and when my colleagues tell me the stuff they have to do for kids (picking them up, dropping them off, naughty things they've been up to).

 

But there are also lots and lots of funny and fun stories I hear about and sometimes see and think, having kids looks pretty awesome.

 

I don't have much maternal instinct at all and not at all baby crazy, and worry what if when I have one, I still feel that way? But really, there's no way of knowing until I've have one. I think it will definitely make a difference when it's your own flesh and blood.

 

Strangely I've been warming up to the idea more in the last few months than I ever have before, since I've been dating J. I think probably because I can see picture a life with children if it's with him, whereas with my previous bfs, I never felt that way. Also because I've gotten to a more stable stage in life where I feel comfortable financially and emotionally to potentially have kids.

 

So WL, you never know what life have in store for you. I wouldn't worry about the future and kids and the responsibilities etc too much right now, you're only 25.

[Ms Darcy]

I think what folks are articulating is the distinction between having a maternal instinct and being ready/committed to do the work. As long as you are ready to do the work, things tend to work itself out.

 

But if you are not committed to the effort ... boy ...

[WithLove]

It's hard to articulate why I'm coming from a place that's saying "no" right now. I've honestly never had anyone ask me why I don't want kids. They've all just accepted that I never wanted any.

 

I'm just afraid. I don't know why. My mother is a fantastic mom. I mean, of course I'm biased, but in terms of motherhood and in comparing her to others, she's so great. She's my best friend. My favorite person. There's nothing I would not do for her. And I just can't picture having those same feelings for anyone else. Even a significant other or a child, as weird as that sounds. My relationship with my mom will last forever. I can't imagine the roles reversed.

 

I'm so unsure of who I am. How does one become a mother to someone when they don't know who they are? How can I offer love to a child when I don't really love myself? A child loves unconditionally... but an adult's love has conditions. Always. What if I screw up a kid's life the way I sometimes feel I've screwed up mine?

[Ms Darcy]

You don't have to know everything right away. Just think about it.

 

I personally think it's important for anyone having sex, especially women, to be thinking about if they want children.

[Ms Darcy]

A child loves unconditionally... but an adult's love has conditions. Always.

 

In my experience, it's the opposite. Mom loves me unconditionally. Moms that I have seen love their kids unconditionally. It's the kids who put conditions on it.

 

At least what I have seen.

 

It's not until the kids have kids that they really start to get to that higher place of love and appreciation for their parents.

[Fudgie]

Wow, I'm surprised - I've had people bugging me about my choice for years. I'm excited I'm finally getting to an age where I can say "Nope, still no kids. Told you."

 

I think the strength of the bond between mother/child is very base and biological. Not to downplay it, of course, I'm just saying it's something that's very engrained and I don't think it's really easy for anyone to explain. The way we feel about our parents, we will never feel like that toward anyone, even children. I don't think that's weird at all.

 

The only people I love unconditionally are my parents. I don't even feel that way about my siblings. I'll always be there for my parents and will take care of them when they get older too. I owe them a lot, in my mind, and I'm happy to be there for them.

 

I would never love a SO unconditionally. That's dangerous to me. Adult love does come with conditions. That's healthy. But it's different with your parents.

[reinventmyself]

I'm so unsure of who I am. How does one become a mother to someone when they don't know who they are? How can I offer love to a child when I don't really love myself? A child loves unconditionally... but an adult's love has conditions. Always. What if I screw up a kid's life the way I sometimes feel I've screwed up mine?

 

These are the typical thoughts that every expectant mother would have. I know I did! It is a daunting commitment and you can't help but wonder if you could ever love anything or anyone enough to make the sacrifice that it takes to bring another human being into this world and take care of it for 18 years.

A mothers love is impossible to describe. It's like non - other. You can't compare it to other relationships.

 

At the same time it's not for everyone.

[WithLove]

My heart is hurting today for people that I care about. I wish I had the ability to take on other's problems and fix them. Wouldn't that be great? Maybe they could take on mine for a spell and tweak them just a little so that they are a little more easily manageable for me?

[WithLove]

I think J is in a bad place mentally right now. He hasn't been himself. I think he's feeling defeated. He's in a bit of a financial crunch right now and it's weighing heavily on him. Some sort of mess with his ex; one or two bills that were in both of their names that she agreed to pay once they split, but apparently stopped paying and now they are calling him, looking for payment. It has nothing to do with me, but I feel for him. I've been in that situation myself. Just when you think there's nothing else tying you to someone from your past... they come back to haunt you.

 

In any case, I've been trying to keep him motivated, keep him buoyed up; he's waiting to hear back about that job opportunity, and even if he doesn't get it, he'll still be looking into getting promoted for something else; he's taking steps to lower his current bills; and I'm trying to remind him that basically nothing in life is permanent, that he's struggling right now but it's just temporary. It works sometimes, but I know he's still in low spirits.

 

My mom got free tickets to a classic rock concert tonight. J is bringing Ted and all 4 of us will go together. It won't cost us anything to go, so it'll be a nice evening out and we'll get to enjoy good music and better company. Then, I'm going to spend the night with J tomorrow into Saturday, since he has to work all weekend again this weekend. He's going to spend Wednesday night with me, then accompany me to two different Thanksgiving dinners with my families.

 

He stuck by me and came to see me when I was down and out last month. I'm sticking by his side now. He can count on me.

[WithLove]

Last night, J made a comment that annoyed me. He said something to the effect of how he thought my job wasn't as much work as his because I sit at a desk all day. I didn't pay much attention to it at the time, but it was in front of my mother and afterwards it grated on me. I mentioned it today and he said he didn't mean it, that he knows I work hard. All I said was good, because I was told this morning that I saved a patient's life yesterday. A 13 year old boy went into the ER at a local hospital yesterday with chest pains. They called me and wanted the chest x-ray images and report he had done earlier with us that day; I told them to send their courier and that I would burn the CD myself, since the girl that normally does it was super busy already. I also put a rush on the report and was able to get it typed up within the hour. That was the last I heard about it, til this morning. The ER doctor called to personally thank me for getting them the info they were looking for as quickly as I did. The boy had something seriously wrong and would likely have died if they hadn't gotten the info from me as quickly as they did.

 

It shook me, not gonna lie. I rarely hear back from just doing my job. I can't imagine working in a hospital, let alone an ER. I do anything I can for any doctor's office to make their lives easier; dealing with patients is so hard, not just because sometimes it's a hassle, but because this is someone's life you are handling. So for someone to come back to me and thank me for saving a life, when I'm in no way trained to do anything of the sort - it really resonated with me.

 

So when that happened this morning, and then to remember J say that about my job - it hurt. He doesn't understand that what I do is very stressful. And I'm going to have to let comments like that roll off my back. No, it's not a physically demanding job like his is; but I am drained when I make it home every single day, just like he is, so there's no reason why my job can't be as taxing as his.

 

Anyway, we haven't spoken since I fired back my reply. Don't know if he's even thinking anything about it. I'm still going to see him, and I'm not even angry. Just a little bothered, I guess. If he brings it up, cool. If he doesn't, I'm not going to say anything, either.

[WithLove]

He brought up said comment on his own. "Oh, I wanted to clear the air in case you're upset. I didn't mean for my comment to come out the way it did. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings." I just said thank you and we moved on.

 

Still here. I'll be leaving shortly. I didn't feel well for most of last night. Just felt sick to my stomach and a bit queasy. He was very sweet and affectionate, helping me to feel better. Cuddled close to me all night.

[reinventmyself]

Don't you love it when something is on your mind and you weigh whether it warrants being addressed or letting it go and your partner is the one to bring it up and say just the right thing. Best outcome ever ;}

[WithLove]

I spent the weekend shut up in my apartment. I had a problem reordering my medication because I didn't get my insurance cards in the mail with my new policy number, and the lady in HR at my job didn't get back to me before Friday ended, so I couldn't reorder them until this morning. So I knew I'd be a bunch of papers thrown all over the place this weekend, so I just stayed in my apartment and ignored everyone. End result: yesterday was awful. Mentally wasn't actually very bad at all, but I was having terrible physical withdrawals from the topiramate and the other weight loss one. Migraine and dehydration and extreme dizziness. I couldn't manage to eat, but did make myself get out of bed around 6 to make dinner because I knew I needed to eat something. Ended up making a tilapia filet and some beans. Quick and easy.

 

I really wanted to get my place cleaned up this weekend in preparation for J on Wednesday, since he's coming to stay for Thanksgiving, but it just didn't happen. But I have tonight and tomorrow evening to work on it. Mostly I just need to work on laundry (don't have very much) and I need to sweep and mop. I also have to change my sheets. Other than that, my place is always pretty well picked up. I'll probably scrub down my tub, just because, and sink too, because I'm anal about a clean bathroom.

 

Hoping my med script will get sent to the pharmacy by the end of the day.

[faraday]

Hope it gets sorted today and you're feeling like yourself again soon.

 

 

______________________

Learn to be all that you are, and accept with good grace all that you are not.

[WithLove]

I'm getting to that point to where I'm really, really tired of taking medication.

[Ms Darcy]

I've never really taken medication except for pain meds after surgery some years ago and the odd aspirin or anti-allergy meds.

 

Is there a way you can stop taking meds? I ask out of complete ignorance here. Are there more homeopathic remedies that might be an option (St. John's wort etc)?

[WithLove]

I would love to stop taking them. But the few times I've gone a couple days without them (on purpose or accidental), it was terrible. Although my goal is to be completely pill-free one day, I can't foresee it happening anytime soon.