K's Dating Journal

[WithLove]

Week is getting better. I had to choose between my electric or my phone.... which isn't a choice, really, so I'm currently operating without any phone service for the next week. But it's not such a big deal, because I can email my mom at work and PM through social media while using my Wifi at home. So it's not like I'm completely cut off from the world.

 

J has a morning shift tomorrow, so he is coming over tomorrow evening to stay overnight. I have all the stuff to make some kind of chicken casserole, so I'll probably make that. I'm also going to make my chocolate trifle dessert. I bought all the stuff to make it a week ago, but somehow my measuring cups did not make it over to my new apartment with me... so I had my Dad bring them with him when he picked me up to go shooting last Sunday. So I'm going to make that, too. I didn't message J this morning because I assumed he was sleeping, but he must've realized he wouldn't hear from me til this evening, because he messaged me "good morning. I get to see you tomorrow. Can't wait. Have a fantastic day!" I didn't message back because I was trying to get out the door, but it made me feel really good. We've come a long way with communication. Even though I don't have phone capabilities right now, even if I did, oftentimes that's all we'll say to each other during a day, although sometimes there's a phone call as well. And that's just fine for me, now.

 

I like where we're headed. It's good. I really like him.

[faraday]

I'm glad things are going so good with J that's awesome!

 

I know that, in general, people tend to ignore questions in journals (well and in life) when they don't want to answer or think about it...but I'm wondering yet if you've figure out how to build a bit of cushion in between pay checks? Part time job, roommate...cutting expenses somehow? Because it must be really stressful (and I would imagine somewhat embarrassing) not being able to have a phone right now...and I mean, if not having a phone for a week is the amount you're out financially...that's a really tight margin to live within. I've been financially in a similar situation...which is why I've pretty much always had a roommate (whether it was my little brother or a partner, and a few times, briefly, a friend or even a random person- which obviously, I couldn't do when I had my daughter- but before her, I almost always lived with someone I didn't know).

 

Thoughts?

 

Would you just rather ignore it and hope it goes away? Because I can leave you alone about it....but I really think you need to come up with a better plan....I can't see how you could live like this long term. What did J say when you told him you couldn't afford your phone and needed to turn it off?

 

 

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[WithLove]

J didn't say anything. I purposely worded it so that he couldn't, though. I'm already embarrassed enough.

 

I'm not in financial dire straits most of the time. I lived with my father for about a month and a half, I think, and didn't put away much to be able to move. I was expecting to stay with him probably through Christmas. When I met J, I didn't really think about seeing someone while I lived with my Dad, and I certainly didn't think about seeing someone that lived 30 miles away.

 

Do I regret finding a place so quickly? Yes. Do I regret moving out before saving enough? Absolutely. But I was under so much stress in that house with my dad. The alternative of staying any longer really was not an option for me. If I didn't find this place so quickly, I honestly don't know what would have happened. I was headed to a really bad place. So despite all of the difficulties I am facing right now, even this week... they are on a different level that the ones I was facing while at my dad's. I'll always be working and my bills will always be paid, eventually. But not knowing what I was going to walk into, or perhaps, knowing exactly what I was going to walk into and dreading it... that was just awful.

 

That being said, my next paycheck will clear up all of my outstanding bills. It will also let me put some away for my next rent payment, so I don't have to pay it all in one chunk (although since my rent is so cheap now, I can do that if needed and still have money left for other things). After that, I'll be fine. My bills won't be much. I don't live extravagantly. I just have to get over the hurdle that comes with moving into a new place and those expenses. Then I can start saving again.

 

I'm glad you asked me about it. It helps to type it out, to see my plans in text. To see the light at the end of the tunnel. The rest of this week and next week will be really dark, but after that, everything will be just fine.

[faraday]

I'm so glad that you'll be able to start putting away money next month. That makes me feel a lot better- I've been worried about you all month - I know that I'm a dork lol.

 

I've just been there before and I know the toll that kind of stress takes. It's overwhelming.

 

 

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[WithLove]

Yes, it is. This week has been a very bad week for me. The beginning, anyway. I go to work, come home and go to bed. Sleep until I wake up for work again. I think I've done that all but one day this week. Not good. But it will get better.

[WithLove]

Get to see my man today. Very excited. He's coming over after I get out of work at 5 and staying the night. I'm making dinner and a dessert. Or, maybe I'll be the dessert.

 

So, I have a sex question for you ladies (and men? not sure if there are any) that are reading this. I don't enjoy receiving oral, at all. Mostly, I think, because I'm terribly, terribly self conscious of myself down there. And the reason why is because... okay, here goes. So I have PCOS, right? And discoloration is a thing with it. So, in addition to just being fat, what with my thighs rubbing together and all, on top of that, it's discolored between my thighs, too. Also between my buttcrack (sorry for TMI) and under my arms. It's so terribly embarrassing for me. And I'm so fearful that I smell. It's an irrational fear, kind of, because I know that all women have a scent. But I just can't get over it. I don't know why. As a result, I constantly carry those Summer's Eve feminine wipes with me. I have them with me today, since I don't know if I'll have a chance to clean myself before seeing J. Therefore I have to make sure I do it before leaving work. Because he might be there waiting for me at my place. I use special feminine wash instead of regular body wash or soap. And I have read that this may, in fact, be worse, because it could throw off a woman's pH balance and cause infections and the like, and instead do the opposite of what I'm using them for. But I do it anyway, because I don't want to smell bad. It's so stressful. It's awful. I can't help it.

 

So there's that.

 

I want to try new things sexually. I've been thinking about it a lot. I've only been having sex for 5 years. I enjoy it a lot. I feel like I have these irrational fears that have really limited my sex life and my enjoyment of it. Like, I want to be able to do positions where I'm in control, and he's less so. But I'm not comfortable with them because I think I'll look stupid, or unattractive, because of my weight, and fat rolls. Sigh.

 

Just looking for some guidance, I guess.

[faraday]

Well...don't worry about your rolls- everyone has them...and if J was troubled by it or found it to be a turn off, he wouldn't be with you.

 

As for discolouration....most people are. P0rnstars bleach their skin to be perfect. Gross. Just be you- he's just excited about boobs and that he's allowed to out his penis in you.

 

As for smell...douching is not good. It can throw off your ph and cause all kinds of problems. Soap on the outside (but don't soap inside- just plain water is enough), and wash your bits down before sex. I use often take my pants off (leaving my shirt and everything else on) and squat in the shower to clean off really quick...just towel dry after and you're good to go!

 

If you're clean, don't worry or think about it anymore- you're good! Just try to be in the moment, enjoy it, and get out of your head. There are a lot of guys that like the taste and smell (of a clean) hoo-ha, it's a turn on...and if he loves giving oral- he's probably one of them.

[WithLove]

Had J over last night (Friday) it's 9 pm on Saturday and he's still here. I made dessert and he's asleep in my bed currently. Maybe he wants to sleep over another night? Idk. I know he works tomorrow afternoon and wanted to go home tonight, though. I'll let him nap for a bit and then wake him. He has an hour drive and if he wants to get home, and he's sleepy, a nap will be good for him.

 

Goodness knows I wore him out today. Hehehe!

[WithLove]

Finally figuring out the purpose of these weight loss pills. They don't necessarily suppress appetite... I still get hungry.... but they do suppress the effects of hunger I usually have.... like the intense stomach growling, emptiness, shaking, and feeling like my blood sugar has bottomed out. I do get shaky, but not nearly to the degree I used to... when I do, that's when I know I need to eat. Not to worry - I'm still figuring these out - I am not starving myself. But I feel thinner, and J did tell me over the weekend that he could tell I had lost some weight since he had seen me last.

[WithLove]

Not to get too much into detail, but ladies, I completely had my mind blown this weekend.

 

J and I have never really done much foreplay. Which is sort of weird, right? I mean, we both are sort of... ready to go right away, so it wasn't really needed. But I haven't been able to "get there" during intercourse for a little while. Just haven't been able to quite make it before he finishes. But during the week last week, we sort of talked a little about sex and I told him how I felt like I was limiting myself, and he said he was down to try whatever I wanted; all I had to do was ask, and he'd follow my lead. I asked him if we could maybe try more foreplay, since we always seem to skip that point, and he said we could definitely do that. Well, did we ever do that. I can't even think about it without giggling.

 

I so needed that.

[WithLove]

Really wishing I could go to karaoke tonight with J, like we used to do. Going to do the responsible thing and stay home instead, since I have to make my gas stretch til Friday.

 

Sigh. It's really hard to adult sometimes.

[WithLove]

Spent the weekend with J. Here's a recap on the conversation that somehow came up.

 

We were talking about kids and his goddaughter, and how she's being pulled between her mom and dad. Her dad is his best friend and roommate. Her mom is a pretty terrible mother and moved to Texas about 2 months ago... for no other reason than because she wanted to leave... but apparently is coming back now because she didn't like it there. Anyway, we were talking about how his goddaughter doesn't get disciplined very well, because she's always bouncing between her mom, who has no conception of parenting and doesn't have any rules, and her father, who avoids conflict like the plague and therefore doesn't really establish rules either. So J handles a bulk of the disciplining sometimes and he hates feeling like the bad guy. He asked me what I thought I'd do, what my thoughts were as far as how to discipline a child.

 

We talked about it some and have disagreeing views about spanking. I was never spanked as a child; never once. I never needed to be. I never disrespected my parents enough to warrant one. So, I don't believe I could ever physically touch a child of mine in that manner. And he wouldn't hesitate to spank his child as his bottom line. He has a brother who is exactly one year younger (they have the same birthday) and I guess they were both a handful. And he said that if it wasn't for getting spanked, he'd probably be in jail or worse. That it taught him lessons and kept him from doing worse things than he did.

 

I told him it felt weird, to be talking about ways to discipline a pseudo-kid when we've only been dating for 3 months (our 3-month anniversary was this weekend, guys!). We haven't really talked about marriage or even love. Nothing like that. After the whole 'communication' thing, I've been really careful to keep things light and fun. And it has been. There haven't been any issues or anything that I felt like I wanted to revisit later. Until now.

 

He asked me, did I ever want to have kids. And I told him that I didn't really know. This time last year, just marriage was a vehement "no" for me; and only recently have I taken that idea off the shelf to reconsider. I asked him if he wanted them; I reminded him that he had told me in the beginning that he would like them, but if he never had them then he'd be okay because he had his goddaughter. He said that was true, but that he felt like his goddaughter was slipping away, because of how she's being pulled in different directions by her parents. He told me about his brother, who has 2 kids that are wonderful and the joy of his brother's life. J started crying; he said his greatest fear is being alone, being in a position where he is alone and his time to have wife and family has passed him by and it's too late. He wants to be surrounded by loved ones. He's okay with being alone right now, and even into his 40s and 50s... But once that time has passed, and he has nothing, no wife or kids, no family, he feels that it'll be his biggest regret and life won't be worth living. He'd rather die. He has tons of collectible things around his place and he motioned to them all and said he thinks he collects them to replace the loneliness he feels for having been hurt in the past and having no family or loved ones close. He wants kids so badly; he wants to be able to teach them all the things he knows and love them with everything he has. He feels like he has the capacity to love someone (a wife) and kids so much and just feels empty that he doesn't have that. And he ended this huge speech with that he didn't tell me before because he never wanted to pressure me into anything, especially given what my feelings are with kids. But that this is what he wants.

 

I didn't know what to say. I just sat there on his bed, listening to him cry over such heartache. I cried too a little. I have sympathetic tear ducts. Then I told him that I think my extreme reluctance over having kids isn't just a flat "yes or no"; that when I try to picture it in my mind, for some reason, it's just mindless terror. For some reason, I'm just so, so scared of becoming pregnant and having a child. I don't have any answer that I can give him as to why that may be. The closest thing I could come up with is because for the better part of 10 years, my focus has been myself and my mental health; and I know that to have a child is to sacrifice all of that. I wouldn't be able to focus on that any more. And I don't know what would happen to me. And going back there, to that dark place again... I can't. Even as I type this, my throat is closing up just thinking about it.

 

So it's not something that has been resolved. It wasn't a conversation I think we meant to have. But it happened, and now I don't know what to do about it. The only thing we've agreed on is that we want to keep seeing each other. I feel calm, because I know what he wants, and what his goal is. There aren't any questions. In fact, I'm the biggest question now, because I'm the monkey wrench in his future.

[faraday]

I wouldn't worry about it. His mind changed quite rapidly there, it might go back too...impulsive decisions are like that.

 

Just like...your mind might change about kids as you get older. You're still pretty young, and if you're on the fence about it...it could go either way. There's no point in planning for a maybe future...just live and see what happens. If you become more definitive in your decision, than you make plans.

 

 

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[faraday]

Btw, I think talking about how to raise a child should be something more people talk about in early dating. It's a major cause of arguments in relationships....although, it's all speculation...because you really don't know how you'll be until you have a kid. I swore I would never spank, but I have on the odd occasion when "no" just wasn't clicking. Not what I wanted...and maybe I won't have to with the next kid...now that I've had a child, I get that every kid is different and that they respond to different things differently....but I don't view it as the solution to every problem....and I don't want to date someone that views it like that....I just know...parenting is definitely not a one answer problem.

 

But it's good to talk about ahead of time. Just like...what marriage means to each person...how they think income disparity changes/or doesn't a relationship, what each person thinks should be reasonable for terminating a marriage...how they see chores divided up in a marriage. I mean, they aren't like..."let's sit down and have a formal discussion" kind of talks, they're just things that come up in life and you kind of get a feel for the position that your partner takes. I think...people assume a lot about their partners...get married...and are surprised...because they didn't talk about this stuff beforehand.

 

 

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[Fudgie]

I agree with faraday, it's good to talk about this sort of stuff early.

 

I think it's a good idea to just see where things go, given that you're ambivalent and it's not a hard "no". I am a hard "no" so this is an issue I like to ask about first so if the guy says "I want a child", I can leave before I waste my time. But if you are ambivalent or just not sure, there is no sense in making a choice now based on a future option that you don't know yet. I've always felt that the choice to have a children should come from a place of desire, either FOR a kid, or explicit desire to have NO child. It shouldn't come from fear alone, IMO. I think lots of people make life choices based on fear itself: "I am afraid of being alone", "I am afraid of what people think about me", "I am afraid of hurting so-and-so's feelings even though I don't want to do this", and that's where a lot of regret can come from. You must do what you want to do and you're not sure yet, and that's a-okay.

[WithLove]

I don't think his mind changed. I think he told me what he thought wouldn't scare me off at first, and it worked. This is who he is and what he's always wanted. He wants a family; to be married and have children. He wants a home and kids running around, with lots of pets and stuff. He wants to have a good job and be able to sleep next to his wife every night.

 

I'm finding lately that I know less of what I do want and more of what I don't want. I don't want to struggle with my mental health. I don't want to be a quivering mass of self-loathing and sadness. I don't want to have days where I'm incapable of going to work, or even getting out of bed. Mothers can't have days like that.

 

I just want to be content with myself and my life. And I don't know what that entails.

[Cheetarah]

About kids and the mental health thing..Let me chime in.

 

You wouldn't have to sacrifice all of that. There may be points in your life where it moves a couple notches down the totem pole, but you wouldn't neglect yourself because you simply can't. You can't be a good parent if you don't cater to your own well-being. Over the last 2 months I've been given that flight attendant speech - Put the mask on yourself before you help others. I had to find the smallest and weirdest ways to do that while still keeping my focus on a necessary time crunch. It's too fresh to tell you if it worked or not but I haven't fallen apart, so I hazard a guess that it was at least partially successful.

 

I don't think you are the monkey wrench. I think an emotional situation is playing on his feelings about children. ANd if he didn't want to scare you and the "either way" truly was hogwash, that's a problem. I'm not sure why people find that such a scary convo. I think it's a super important one. Having the goal of wanting/not wanting children is an important thing to slap on the table. It doesn't mean people want to have them tomorrow or with you(generally speaking), it's just a goal.

 

Just let things play out. I think you should revisit the conversation again at some point. I just don't think the situation with his goddaughter happening is the time to have it.

[WithLove]

Thanks, Cheet. You're doing amazingly with your son. I don't know how you keep it together.

 

Another thing I'm fearful of.... what if I pass on these mental issues to a child I have? I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy.

[Fudgie]

Of course, there is no guarantee that the child will have or not have your mental health issues, maybe, maybe not. There is some hereditary link but you know, that's true for a lot of things: mental health issues, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, all of these things. There is no guarantee and that's why they call it the genetic lottery, and it's up to you if you want to play that. If you daton't, that's okay, you could adopt too if you wished.

 

Consider too, that things are changed so much in the world of neuroscience. We have no idea what medications will be like in 10-15 years. That's my hope: that mental illness will be easier to treat in time. The current medications only go so far. It's only like 50% of patients who do well with a SSRI. I love SSRIs for me, but I really really want there to be better treatments and things are changing as we speak.

[Cheetarah]

I've worried about that, too(long before I was pregnant). My son being dx'ed with ASD kind of put that into perspective for me. Before all these issues arose or I was better able to note them, I was obsessed with what would my son have to deal with in the future in terms of mental health. Then here he gets diagnosed with ASD and it's not on either side his family. That wasn't expected.

 

I figure if he does have depression or anxiety, well I know what it looks like. So that's a weird...perk. Lack of a better word.

 

You can't know what will happen that way. There are risk factors but risks aren't guarantees. The medication I was on during pregnancy carried the risk of IUGR and brachycardia. None of that happened. I'm certainly glad that it didn't, but I still worried. And you will worry. I don't think anyone gets comfortable with the risks with any of this stuff or related. You just decide if you want to do it and arm yourself for the possibility of it happening if you do. And that's all you can do.

 

No control in that manner kind of sucks.

[WithLove]

You can still take depression meds while pregnant??

[Seraphim]

Withlove ,you won't necessarily pass on bipolar to your children. My dad is bipolar 1 and neither my brother or I are bipolar. In fact almost every single member of my dad's family has some kind of mood disorder and neither my brother or I have one. My mental illness is a result of what happened to me not what I was born with. My son has no mental disorders or chemical imbalance and has been checked by a psychologist.

 

When you have kids nothing is a guarantee.

[Cheetarah]

Oh, they weren't antidepressants. It was a beta blocker. But yes, I was offered anti depressants(Zoloft, a Class C med). I opted not to take it because I was nervous about the other med.

 

It's also a risk/benefits thing. Some people are switched, some people are weaned, some people stay on it because the benefit outweighs the risks of the medication(s).

[WithLove]

I was on Zoloft for 2 years. It was the first pill I tried. It stopped working after 2 years, but it never really worked well to begin with. That's when I was referred to a behavioral center. I would not go on Zoloft again.

 

Well, in any case, there's not a lot I can do about anything right now. Since that conversation, he's been quiet. We haven't spoken much. I think he's embarrassed at his outward display of emotion. It's the first I've seen him like that. I also know that he's in the financial weeds this week. A lot of bills due at once, so it's a tight week. That was me all last month. I'm good now. All caught up. It sucks how our lives are dictated by our paychecks. But I'm going to see him tomorrow. We'll go enjoy karaoke together like we used to and it'll be good. He's stressed. He'll enjoy going out to sing and enjoy the evening.

[Cheetarah]

Sounds like a good idea. Just decompress and enjoy.