faraday Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I am aware of when I'm being extreme, yes; but I also don't know when to distinguish when ignoring what I'm feeling is going to be beneficial, or when it's just discounting my real problems. J is coming to my birthday dinner tonight and I truly don't know how to act or what to say. I don't want to just... pretend like I'm not bothered by the information I got hit with yesterday, but neither do I want to call attention to it. We didn't talk about it last night, so everything is still in limbo. But what can be solved by talking about it? Run through the scenarios. 1) he gets the job. What happens? Long distance or break up. But you won't know until December. Do you want him to reassure you that he'll drive to come see you every week? He can't make promises for the future K. He can say, "IF we're still together in December, IF I end up getting the job, I will take the responsibility of traveling to see you on a weekly basis. I will take responsibility to make sure we communicate more...such as making nightly Skype calls." Would that reassure you? 2) he doesn't get the job. He still lives an hour away. You stay together. Are you going to tell him not to apply for jobs that are father away until you're more established? Say, "you can't apply for jobs until we're ready to live together/be engaged." 3) you end things now so that you don't have to wait and see what happens. You can talk to him and get him to make a bunch of promises that are contingent on a bunch of "ifs"....if that will help you. But it's "ifs". Dating isn't a guarantee....in fact...most dating relationships don't work out. No one can promise you that they will. All they can promise is that they'll try their best. Link to comment
WithLove Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 Yes. I've been thinking a lot. I talked to Fudgie about it. We agree with you. Everything that I've learned about J, and us, and this relationship, I've learned by backing off and relaxing and specifically NOT having "talks" and worrying over everything. Every time I have an issue with something, I make it out to be way bigger than it is. For this relationship to have any chance, I will have to learn to let go of my control and trust him when he says that we'll figure it out. I can try to prepare for whatever might happen the best I can, but really, it just means putting up more walls and further distancing myself in preparation for something that may or may not happen. But... he's worth letting those guards down. I'm starting to really appreciate our relationship. I really enjoy spending time with him. He makes me laugh and I like that he's really goal-oriented and serious, but also silly and sometimes boyish. He's thoughtful and yeah, sometimes he says the wrong things, but his actions make up for wrong words. I just feel like I would really regret ending this now and letting him leave my life. He really enriches it. It's kind of the first time I feel like I'm dating a "man", not a "guy". Link to comment
faraday Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I'm so glad that you're going to give it time It's tough to give up control and trust someone...but I think he's a good guy...and I think he's worth the risk You're doing good! Link to comment
faraday Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Btw, I spend all this time writing out massive replies and I keep checking my phone looking for updates...and you're having secret meetings with Fudgie? Where's the love, ladies? Link to comment
WithLove Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 It's right here, in long, thought-out replies - not jumbled, panic-stricken "I'm having a panic attack" messages" Birthday dinner went well. J came with and my mom invited her best friend too, who I've known since I was, like, 5. He asked their opinion about his job opportunity and we sat there talking about it for an hour. He got some good advice, and I think he was surprised and grateful for the time and effort put in to their perspective. I'm not sure when I'll see him again. He goes back to work tomorrow after being on vacation this week, so he probably won't get a day off for awhile, but if his hours are split in the right way this weekend, I might go over there for a visit this weekend if I can. Like if he works an afternoon shift on Saturday and then has a closing shift on Sunday or something. Low chances of it happening that way, but you never know. If not, he could come see me on his next day off. Link to comment
WithLove Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 J asked me to sleep over tomorrow evening. He doesn't work until Saturday afternoon and wants to spend some time with me. Since he met me for dinner and drove us this past weekend, I figured I was okay with going to see him. I have a little extra cash from birthday money. Otherwise, I'd just be sticking around home this weekend. It'll be nice to see him for more than just an hour or so since last weekend. Link to comment
WithLove Posted October 30, 2015 Author Share Posted October 30, 2015 Well, last night sucked. I went to get the ingredients to make a dessert to bring into work because we're having a small Halloween carry-in today. On the way home, about 3 streets away, my truck died. I thought I had run out of gas, because my gas gauge has been giving me problems for awhile and I'm always really careful to keep an eye on it and thought maybe I just let it go too long, but after my mom came to rescue me with some gas, it made that ominous clicking noise and still wouldn't start. So, it could be the battery, but since it died while running, it could also be the alternator. I'm no car expert, so I really don't know. Either way, I left it at an auto parts store (it luckily died right next to one) for the night and my father is bringing me a new battery after work. I'm really blessed to have a father that jumps to help in situations like this. It's one of the really good things about him. Unfortunately, in my head I'm adding up all the money I owe him over the last few weeks and I'm wincing. I mentioned it to him and he said "one thing at a time". Oh, and when I moved, my measuring cups didn't move with me. So I couldn't make the dessert for work, after all. And since I couldn't bring anything, I can't participate. Sigh. Even though my truck will likely be fixed tonight, I told J I'm not coming over. I'm taking this as a sign that I need to stick close to home until I'm more financially sound. Link to comment
faraday Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 I'm sorry Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
WithLove Posted October 30, 2015 Author Share Posted October 30, 2015 Feeling really defeated the past few days. I'm trying not to let things get to me, but it's hard. I don't have a lot going for me at this time, so it's sort of difficult to wake up and be cheerful every day. The one thing that I'm trying my best to focus on is that I know most things that are going on right now are temporary. I'll be in a better place in a few months. It just takes time to get settled in and for things to work out. Just having an off day, I suppose. Wishing I had someone to keep me company tonight. Link to comment
faraday Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Have you figured out a strategy yet for how to create a savings account and a rainy day/contingency fund? Those are important...and necessary. Is it possible to earn more money any other way? Pick up overtime at work? Do dog walking on the weekends (hey, free workout), a flyer route...I know you don't want a part time job, but maybe something with less commitment might be an option? Or just do it for a few months to build up a bit of savings? Having money and not living pay check to pay check helps so much with mental health. Money isn't everything...but being able to pay bills and cover unexpected expenses helps a lot. It will give your confidence a boost and probably help with a lot of the anxiety you're experiencing. I know having more work is taxing, but so is all the money stress. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a long, long time. Remember how I had asked for my doctor to give me a script for 3 months for my normal meds? He did, but I waited to fill it because I had some already and wanted to wait til the last minute so I could make the most of them (and because I'm broke, lol). I went to fill it on Saturday and the pharmacy guy told me that it'd be really helpful to him if I could wait to pick it up til Sunday morning. I thought, as long as I get it at some point on Sunday, I'll be fine, because that's the next day I need to take one. Well, Sunday comes along. I call the pharmacy to see how much it is to pick up the script. And they tell me they could not fill it because my insurance had ended. My stupid self forgot that in letting the guy fill it on Sunday instead of Saturday meant that October ended and my old insurance ended that day. My new insurance started on Sunday and they don't have the new policy. I absolutely lost it. I don't have any of my medical information because it was the weekend. I don't know how much my pills will cost (any of them). I don't even know if I can still go to my regular doctor anymore because I don't know if they accept my new insurance. And I came into work today to get all that info and the HR lady is not here today, so I can't get that info today, either. I panicked. I broke down 3 times yesterday, panicking at the thought of having to go through different medications again. It took me years and half a dozen or more medications (as documented in here) to find one that worked. I don't want to switch again just because I can't afford it on my new insurance plan. The thought of having to try new meds with new side effects, with a new boyfriend that will have to put up with it.... it's sickening. It really makes me sick to think about it. My mom suggested calling the pharmacy to ask if there is a way to get a few pills to hold me over for a few days. The HR lady is out today, but she happened to come in here to my department earlier to pick up something and she said she'd look for my policy number, but said sometimes it took a few days for them to put it in the system. Mom said that maybe we can just pay out of pocket for a couple pills since it's imperative to stay on them. Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 I just called the pharmacy and they agreed to give me three of my venlafaxine pills to help hold me over until I can get my new insurance policy number. They will give them to me for free. So at least this buys me (and the HR lady) three days to get that policy number. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Kudos to your pharmacy! I'm really happy they were able to do that for you! Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 Me too. What a nightmare!! Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 I called my old insurance's pharmacy service number and explained the situation. They worked with me and were able to call my pharmacy and got them to override their system to fill my script for 30 days of my meds. They couldn't do the 90 day supply, but at least they did 30 days. I'm really grateful they could help. Link to comment
faraday Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 That's awesome that they were able to hook you up like that. Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 It is. I can't tell you how stressed I've been the last 2 days. Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 I have a confession to make. I've been thinking lately that I think I would like to get married some day. I like the idea of being with someone, just one person, and being able to say that we decided to mutually agree that we want to take that final step of commitment and legalize it in the eyes of ourselves, friends and family. I would be proud to wear the title of Wife and I'd like to be with someone that would be equally as proud of wearing the title of Husband. Do I think of J when I think of getting married? I guess it'd be a lie if I said no; but it's one of those things where I recognize that he's a guy that wants marriage, so at least I know he's on a similar page as me; and if the topic ever came up as to what we both wanted out of this relationship, the end goal would be the same for us both. Marriage to J is not on my mind at this time. Far from it. It's just one of those things that crosses my mind every once in awhile -- when he does something extra sweet; or when I'm having a particularly bad day and he's an unexpected tower of support; or when he sends me goofy pictures. Rarely, but yes, I do sometimes think about us in the next few years, and "what if"s. Still the honeymoon period, I guess. Link to comment
faraday Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Some people have strong desires to be married from a young age....maybe they had parents with a great marriage and they want that too. For me...marriage seemed like entrapment. My parents are often best friends, but they often hate each other too. Like for months at a time. And I often wonder why my dad stays with my mom (I asked, he said it will be the same with the next person too so he might as well stick it out)...because she's crazy. Marriage was never something I wanted. Until I met someone that made me think, "hey, being married to you might not be so bad." Turns out with him it would have been really bad...which is why it's really important to get to know someone well first...but that person started the wheels turning...maybe being married doesn't have to mean a marriage like my parents. And now with Jay...I'm excited to marry him. I like him. I love him. Sometimes he makes me mad. But even when I'm mad at him, I still want to be with him. And I think that's just it. Sometimes we meet people...and they change our minds about things. It's a good thing Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
Fudgie Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I don't know if I want to be married. I'm really confused. I know K wants marriage in his future. I just don't know. It's not really about entrapment, I just don't like the financial implications. I've lived with someone before but a lease is nowhere near as binding as marriage. I know if we stick together, there will come a time that he will want to get married and I will need to decide if I say no or do I give in and allow it so we can stay together? I don't know what I'd do. I doubt anyone could change my mind at this point. It's just who I am. I have a feeling if I were to get married in the future, it would be to appease a long term partner who wanted to get married. Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 It's not something I changed my mind about over night. It was a long process that I initially wavered on back when I was with C. I wanted forever with him. And after he broke my trust, in addition to my heart, I wanted nothing to do with marriage, or anything long term, really. It's not that I was against men or anything. I just felt that I would never allow myself to get in the headspace of wanting marriage again. I hated C for being the first guy that I wanted to marry, and then being the first to cheat on me. It has taken me a long time to get over that. In some ways I feel like I probably will never forgive him for how far back he put me in terms of mental health. He was a huge part of my support system, but also a large reason as to why I got pushed over the edge into getting help in the first place. Our relationship was pretty dysfunctional, when I look back on it now, even though at the time I didn't think so. What I'm saying is that it takes a lot for you to get out of the NO mindset. And if that never happens, that's okay. But it's something you have to be honest with yourself about, and honest with your partner about, too. Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 4, 2015 Author Share Posted November 4, 2015 Today, I had a choice between two pairs of jeans to wear to work. I don't care for either... one sits a little too high on my waist and is a bit long in the legs, and one was a little too tight but I bought anyway, with the wishful "I'll fit into these someday" thinking.... I grabbed the ones that were too snug and put them on.... and they fit perfectly. Not tight at all. They even make my butt look great! Feeling feisty today, ladies! Link to comment
faraday Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Woo hoo! that's the best!! Link to comment
notalady Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 I love that feeling of fitting into a pair of tight jeans and checking your own butt in the mirror and go, damn! Haha... Link to comment
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