K's Dating Journal

[Seraphim]

It's important to understand that life won't just "slow down" the bills won't stop coming no matter how much money you make...the responsibilities will always be there. So dreading them won't do you any good.

 

Maybe you could find a hobby that allows you to slow down and enjoy a little bit of downtime? Some people love to read to unwind, or I have friends that knit, crochet, or even cross stitch. Heck I have another friend who just started coloring....yep they make coloring books for adults and they are amazing! Or maybe you just need a great bubble bath now and then. It's all about learning how to unwind and finding perspective.

 

Exactly.......

[WithLove]

A little while back, J told me about a position he had considered applying for in his company. It's a really good position that rarely opens up and will be a really good opportunity for him if he get it.

 

Turns out, he has a really good chance of getting it. But it will require him to relocate to one of two cities, either an hour and a half or two hours away from me.

 

He just found out this detail today and just told me.

 

I'm really upset.

[WithLove]

I’m heartbroken, to be honest. But I told him that if it’s what he wants to do and will make him happy, then he should do it. We haven’t been dating long. If he’s going to regret letting this opportunity go, don’t. A job like this doesn’t come up hardly ever.

 

He won't know for sure if he's getting this position until December.

 

I asked him where we go from here. He told me that if he doesn't get this position, that he's really happy with what he have. I replied with, and if you do get it? And it's December and we're more invested in each other? And he said he supposed we'd just have to figure it out. So I told him I thought we should talk more about it, but that I was working and didn't have time to concentrate on it fully.

[Seraphim]

It doesn't mean you can't still be together . This day and age it is so easy to keep in contact. I remember the day my husband made his decision to go Reg Force. That meant he would be away for pretty much almost 3 years and he had been away for two years before that posted to a different base. For one year he was posted to a base four hours from us and for another year he was posted to a base two hours from us. Then for five months he went to the US and we didn't see him that entire time. Then he came home and went on deployment for another five months and we didn't even know when he left when he would even be coming back.

 

I know it's not the same because we already had a really established relationship but I just wanted to let you know it is still doable.

 

And I just wanted you to know it is best to let people follow their dreams and you can still follow them if you want to.

[WithLove]

I’m heartbroken, to be honest. But I told him that if it’s what he wants to do and will make him happy, then he should do it. We haven’t been dating long. If he’s going to regret letting this opportunity go, don’t. A job like this doesn’t come up hardly ever.

 

He won't know for sure if he's getting this position until December.

 

I asked him where we go from here. He told me that if he doesn't get this position, that he's really happy with what he have. I replied with, and if you do get it? And it's December and we're more invested in each other? And he said he supposed we'd just have to figure it out. So I told him I thought we should talk more about it, but that I was working and didn't have time to concentrate on it fully.

 

Sorry, just replying with my edited post... I was texting with him and I wanted to include his answers.

[IAmFCA]

I have friends who bailed out of the fast life in their 30s. Moved, bought house in all cash, etc etc. After a while, they bought a vacation home, she went back to work, he started a new business.

 

I find it has been important for myself to recognize that the fun is often the same thing as the challenge. When we make our lives comfortable, we often find new ways to strive which brings with it complication and stress and busyness and all the rest. I've decided to embrace the action and let go of people who criticize me for being so dang hungry (metaphorically). Including my exH -- -who can't see his own participation in this pattern, though he travels weekly and has chosen jobs that require that of him for about 20 years straight. He has lived that whole time wondering when he will stop - even when I offered to support the household so he could do his perceived dream job and sail year-round. Instead, like many of us, he hustles for more authority and more money and complains about the demands of the same.

 

I've decided to recognize that is what I choose to do. Our kids choose the same, and recognize that their dad chooses it as well. The only difference is we appreciate it, and he complains.

 

If I am going to strive no matter what I do, I may as well be grateful that I have the mental and physical health to do that. I suggest gratefulness as the solution for most everything.

[faraday]

Why are you worrying about something that may or may not happen?

 

He wants to be with you....or he would have said, "WithLove, I really like you a lot, but I was just offered a job in a different city...and I don't know whether or not it's going to happen, but I just don't want us progress further to the point that we're doing a long distance relationship...we should just end now and save ourselves the heartache."

 

So instead he says, "We'll figure it out." Because he likes you and he wants it to work. So stop freaking out. It's two hours...it's not that far. Every day Jay drives 55 minutes to work...in our city! Each way! You guys can totally make this work....but it's only a possibility. It might not even happen.

 

You're preparing for rejection that isn't there. Chill the f out lol. I'm saying it with love. It's still a relatively short drive.

 

 

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[Seraphim]

Absolutely, if he wanted to break up with you he would say it he's saying he wants to make it work with you.

[Fudgie]

I really feel that if he didn't think it would work, he would end it, or say something along those lines. "We'll figure it out" means that he still sees the situation as viable. 2 hours isn't that long. One of my previous LTRs lived in-state but was a few hours away and we still managed to see each other and have a relationship, even when I went even FURTHER away for college. It is possible if two people want to make it work.

[WithLove]

Why are you worrying about something that may or may not happen?

 

He wants to be with you....or he would have said, "WithLove, I really like you a lot, but I was just offered a job in a different city...and I don't know whether or not it's going to happen, but I just don't want us progress further to the point that we're doing a long distance relationship...we should just end now and save ourselves the heartache."

 

So instead he says, "We'll figure it out." Because he likes you and he wants it to work. So stop freaking out. It's two hours...it's not that far. Every day Jay drives 55 minutes to work...in our city! Each way! You guys can totally make this work....but it's only a possibility. It might not even happen.

 

You're preparing for rejection that isn't there. Chill the f out lol. I'm saying it with love. It's still a relatively short drive.

 

 

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Because, even if he doesn't get this position, now that I've told him I think he should go for it - there's the possibility that he'll look into getting other positions elsewhere. And I'm left wondering where I fall on his list of priorities. And wondering, is it good that something like this has happened now, before any "I love you"s have been exchanged and we could end on relatively good terms? Or could it be something that I'd want and would want to follow him, had it happened a year or two from now? I don't know.

 

I remember both of us talking over a meal once about wanting to move elsewhere one day, that we had a shared dream of leaving our state. I just never thought it'd be so soon. And I guess, when you talk about it with a significant other - no matter how soon in the relationship - there's always the nice thought of doing it together.

[Seraphim]

You might be catastrophizing a bit. People can't afford to pass up good employment and a good career moves. That also doesn't mean he wants to pass up a relationship with you. Priorities are not all put on the same scale. They are different scales and it doesn't mean that one scale is less than the other.

[WithLove]

I think he would be totally okay with a long-ish distance relationship. Seeing each other occasionally, maybe once a week or every two weeks. I'm just pretty sure that I couldn't do that for very long. I also know that realistically, financially, it's not really an option for me. I have a truck. It eats gas. It has AC, for awhile, then it stops working after about half an hour. It's not a vehicle meant for traveling in. I don't have the means to have a car payment for a new car if I trade in my truck, and I refuse to do so just for a relationship, anyway. Yeah, if he got this position, he'd be making a lot more, and he'd be getting a company vehicle and could do more traveling than I could; but then it's putting more pressure on him to do that and I know he'd resent it after awhile, and it's about equality and balance, and I couldn't offer that.

 

Then I have to think, how long do I want to date someone until it's deemed "acceptable" to think about moving in together? And then, it'd be mostly to close the distance. No.

 

I don't know. It just has really made me think about my and our future.

[Seraphim]

OK , so then it's you that has put limits on your relationship. You have already decided what you're not going to put yourself out for, but you feel gutted because he would choose a position that's good for him?

 

Not fair, right?

[faraday]

I think he would be totally okay with a long-ish distance relationship. Seeing each other occasionally, maybe once a week or every two weeks. I'm just pretty sure that I couldn't do that for very long. I also know that realistically, financially, it's not really an option for me. I have a truck. It eats gas. It has AC, for awhile, then it stops working after about half an hour. It's not a vehicle meant for traveling in. I don't have the means to have a car payment for a new car if I trade in my truck, and I refuse to do so just for a relationship, anyway. Yeah, if he got this position, he'd be making a lot more, and he'd be getting a company vehicle and could do more traveling than I could; but then it's putting more pressure on him to do that and I know he'd resent it after awhile, and it's about equality and balance, and I couldn't offer that.

 

Then I have to think, how long do I want to date someone until it's deemed "acceptable" to think about moving in together? And then, it'd be mostly to close the distance. No.

 

I don't know. It just has really made me think about my and our future.

 

If he moved, he would come see you most of the time.

 

You're getting WAY ahead of yourself here. What good is that going to do?

 

So what? You're going. To tell him, "I know I said it was cool if you applied for other positions, but what I really meant is, if you get them, we're done."

 

Not really fair. You can't say one thing, then do another.

 

Idk, you might have the wrong people posting in your journal here. Vic an army wife, and me, dating someone that leaves unexpectedly for weeks on end.

 

I think if you like someone you figure it out. And you're putting a lot of speculation on him, which isn't fair. What things are like today, isn't what things are like in 3 months or a year. You might think he'll be fine with seeing you every few weeks, but that's your insecurity talking...because he seems to want to see you more than that now...and in 3 months, things will be different...

 

Let it go. Worrying about it does nothing. Nothing can be solved right now unless you plan on giving him an ultimatum...but then it's just done.

 

So chill out...and see what happens.

 

 

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[WithLove]

I really like this guy. I want us to work out. I don't want to be this train wreck of a person.

[Seraphim]

If you want this to work then you have to give freely of yourself. Also forget this 50-50 idea that every date and every meeting has to be 50-50 50-50 50. Something is going to be ALWAYS uneven. One person will ALWAYS be giving more than the other in every .single .situation. Sometimes it will be you ,sometimes it will be him what matters is if it's over all even.

[IAmFCA]

If you want this to work then you have to give freely of yourself. Also forget this 50-50 idea that every date and every meeting has to be 50-50 50-50 50. Something is going to be ALWAYS uneven. One person will ALWAYS be giving more than the other in every .single .situation. Sometimes it will be you ,sometimes it will be him what matters is if it's over all even.

 

excellent advice.

[WithLove]

In every relationship.... romantic or otherwise.... when I let go..... I fall flat on my face. I'm tired of it. It's really difficult to let go of control... of letting him take responsibility, of trusting that when he says "we'll figure it out", trusting that what he means is "we will make plans together and follow through with them together".

 

It's always 90% me putting in the effort, 10% him. In every relationship. If I let go of that control, I'll get burned. I always do. I always get disappointed. I keep hearing "you're worth the effort", well, if I was, then why am I always the one that keeps getting hurt?

[Seraphim]

However ,if you keep that frame of mind you will never have a successful relationship ,ever. One thing children of alcoholics have problems with is letting go of control. That is very very well-documented that's why Al-Anon would be a good thing for you to start today so you can learn to have a relationship in which you feel secure. This won't magically pop out of a hat by itself.

[faraday]

In every relationship.... romantic or otherwise.... when I let go..... I fall flat on my face. I'm tired of it. It's really difficult to let go of control... of letting him take responsibility, of trusting that when he says "we'll figure it out", trusting that what he means is "we will make plans together and follow through with them together".

 

It's always 90% me putting in the effort, 10% him. In every relationship. If I let go of that control, I'll get burned. I always do. I always get disappointed. I keep hearing "you're worth the effort", well, if I was, then why am I always the one that keeps getting hurt?

 

So...it's not really 50-50 then either, right? so why cling so hard to that?

 

I dated guys that I had to put in 90% with too. F-ing losers. Seriously. Trust me, you don't want to end up living with someone that you need to do 90% to be with. Because then you have a kid, you do all the chores, all the housework, pay the bills, do the yard work, work full time...meanwhile, they're not pulling their weight because they know you won't leave them...so why would they even bother going in to work?

 

The minute I dropped the fear of losing a guy...is the minute my relationships got a lot better. Because when someone wants to be with you...they put in the effort. Let the losers that are only with you out of convenience fall away. And if J is one of those guys....good riddance. But if he's not...if he's the same as you...he'll contribute and make it work.

 

 

 

 

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[WithLove]

I already feel myself buildings walls.

 

Why do I have to make everything such a big deal?

[faraday]

Idk. I do it too. That's why I reply to your journal so much...you're me two years ago.

 

I'm just dramatic in general. Jay finds me hilarious. I think if you're aware that you take hints to extremes, you can logic your way out of it. Like, this is one extreme, here is the other, can I find a place to be that's in the middle?

[faraday]

You know that this is a coping strategy pattern you got from your dad right? I have the same thing with my mom.

 

It takes time and being conscious of it. I don't know if you remember in my journal, but right around the 4 month mark with jay, I was totally freaking out because we hadn't had a big fight yet....and I was worried about getting more invested before I saw how he reacted to fights. When I was a kid, my mom would get mad at me, throw things at me, smack me, yell at me, and not talk to me for days. So...I went and found men that would do the same. Not the physical part...I've never had a partner hit me...but they would all yell at me, then shut down and leave for days at a time...leaving me wondering if they were coming back....which felt a lot like...when I would wonder if my mom loved me when I was a kid.

 

My cycle of that end d with Jay. I knew I needed a guy that would stick by me. That would be reasonable in a fight. That would still love me and show me that he loved me even when we were at our worst. And Jay does that. Idk what it will look like in 10 years...I'm sure we'll have some really big rows at some point...but I know he'll all ways be respectful towards me. And I think you just need to see what your J does in times of crisis. Will he stick by you? Will he fight for you? And then your walls will come down. You need to build trust with him...and that takes time. Even longer when you have f-ed up parents.

 

So try to be calm. I had many freak outs in my journal...but I maintained a calm exterior around my Jay....and you need to do the same. No more talks with him. Come here, freak out. We'll talk you down. But don't try to start the drama pattern with him....you know, the one where you make a big deal out of things so that he'll either reassure you (for the moment...until you have another freak out) or fulfil the repeating prophecy of leaving you....like your dad did when he let you down all the time when you were a kid (all the broken promises a drunk makes)...and like all the other guys have done when times get tough.

 

You have to stop the cycle. End the drama.

 

Create the relationship you want, by being the partner that a good, healthy man can be with.

[WithLove]

I am aware of when I'm being extreme, yes; but I also don't know when to distinguish when ignoring what I'm feeling is going to be beneficial, or when it's just discounting my real problems.

 

J is coming to my birthday dinner tonight and I truly don't know how to act or what to say. I don't want to just... pretend like I'm not bothered by the information I got hit with yesterday, but neither do I want to call attention to it. We didn't talk about it last night, so everything is still in limbo.

[WithLove]

You know that this is a coping strategy pattern you got from your dad right? I have the same thing with my mom.

 

It takes time and being conscious of it. I don't know if you remember in my journal, but right around the 4 month mark with jay, I was totally freaking out because we hadn't had a big fight yet....and I was worried about getting more invested before I saw how he reacted to fights. When I was a kid, my mom would get mad at me, throw things at me, smack me, yell at me, and not talk to me for days. So...I went and found men that would do the same. Not the physical part...I've never had a partner hit me...but they would all yell at me, then shut down and leave for days at a time...leaving me wondering if they were coming back....which felt a lot like...when I would wonder if my mom loved me when I was a kid.

 

My cycle of that end d with Jay. I knew I needed a guy that would stick by me. That would be reasonable in a fight. That would still love me and show me that he loved me even when we were at our worst. And Jay does that. Idk what it will look like in 10 years...I'm sure we'll have some really big rows at some point...but I know he'll all ways be respectful towards me. And I think you just need to see what your J does in times of crisis. Will he stick by you? Will he fight for you? And then your walls will come down. You need to build trust with him...and that takes time. Even longer when you have f-ed up parents.

 

So try to be calm. I had many freak outs in my journal...but I maintained a calm exterior around my Jay....and you need to do the same. No more talks with him. Come here, freak out. We'll talk you down. But don't try to start the drama pattern with him....you know, the one where you make a big deal out of things so that he'll either reassure you (for the moment...until you have another freak out) or fulfil the repeating prophecy of leaving you....like your dad did when he let you down all the time when you were a kid (all the broken promises a drunk makes)...and like all the other guys have done when times get tough.

 

You have to stop the cycle. End the drama.

 

Create the relationship you want, by being the partner that a good, healthy man can be with.

 

This would require being a good, healthy partner myself. Sometimes I feel that I am. Other times, I feel like I'm a train wreck.