K's Dating Journal

[WithLove]

I was such a bear yesterday. The weight loss meds have dizziness listed as their main side effect... however, I have personally experienced the dizziness, drowsiness, headache, facial numbness, neck soreness, sleep disturbance, and I've noticed that I'm cold all the time as well, which is very rare for me. A friend on here also recommended staying away from caffeine, because one of the meds can induce the jitters, so it is the third day of no caffeine for me and it's just awful. Awful awful awful. I'd almost rather be fat.

 

.... I guess I'm still a bit of a bear.

 

Just journaling my journey. Don't mind me.

 

Thankfully, most of the side effects have lessened or dissipated completely. I find that I get super hungry early in the morning; instructions state to take the pills an hour to an hour and a half before eating, so I take them as soon as I get to work and by the time it's time to eat, I'm not as hungry. After that, I'm generally not hungry for most of the day, although I eat for lunch and dinner (not a lot, less than usual). I don't snack or eat crap anymore.

[WithLove]

On a more positive note - other than the new medication, this week has been so great for me. J took me to a hockey game last night. I love hockey. We have a semi-pro team here in my town and I've been going on and off for 15 years. It's so much fun, and last night was no different. I had a great time with J. I was so grumpy up until I saw him. Then he gave me a big hug and kiss, and I took some medicine for my headache, and felt so much better. He's picking me up tomorrow after work and then we're headed to my family's home for the annual Halloween party weekend.

[WithLove]

Also of note: extremely dry nasal passages and dry mouth.

[faraday]

Sometimes I'm grumpy and I don't want to see cute bf because I think...I'm too grumpy for people. People should all die....but then I see him and he makes everything better.

 

My ADD meds make me so thirsty. It's annoying because now I pee like 75 times a day.

 

I'm finding my meds aren't lasting as long now....so I eat at night when they've wore off. I do eat less, but not significantly. I've lost 4 pounds in 2 months. But idk how accurate that is...I can gain and lose like 6 pounds in a day....I drink a lot of water

 

Let me know how those drugs end up working for you. I'm not sure if my doctor would cooperate....but if they work for you, I might ask him about it. Although....he's such a huge advocate of weight watchers that he could be a spokesperson for them

 

 

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[WithLove]

One of the meds is for weight loss... the other one is for migraines/headaches. Upon reading up on them both, the weight loss one has been known to cause sever mood swings and trigger fast heart rate and cause the jitters - and I thought it was pretty funny that he renewed my script for Xanax too, although I didn't ask him to and didn't get it filled because I still have some from last year. The one for migraines/headaches I think is to counteract the one for weight loss. Not quite sure of the chemistry, but he's been my doctor for a few years now, so I've got to trust him at least for now.

 

Don't worry, I'm keeping my journal updated daily so that anyone can come to see what's going on for their own references. So far, it SUCKS. I'd rather be fat.

[WithLove]

Pretty much the only side effect I feel regularly now is facial numbness, hand/feet tingling and cold intolerance. I do still feel very hungry in the mornings until I eat something, then I'm good for the rest of the day (yes, I do still eat).

 

J calls me regularly now. Not daily, but a few times a week. Usually for about 10 minutes or so. He tells me about his day and asks about mine. We'll discuss plans to see each other and then hang up for the evening. I love it. Sometimes we go a full day without texting, then he'll call me after work in the evening. Or we'll text throughout the day, a couple times. I'm fine with either. I no longer have any anxiety over this relationship. Yes, I do feel myself getting "clingy" or "needy" if I'm having a bad day, but they are not often at all and he is recognizing when that is and is responding to my needs. The important thing is that I'm self aware of them and recognize them.

 

I do have feelings for him. I'm refusing to think of the depth of them right now because I feel that it's too soon; it doesn't seem that long ago that I had issues with "us" and our communication. He's meeting my family this weekend for the first time; he met my mother 2 weekends ago briefly, but the Halloween party this week will consist of, quite literally, almost my entire family (my mom's side). So this is extremely important. It'll be less stressful because his best friend is coming with us (who has become like a brother to me now and has been a brother to J for over 15 years); but this will only be the 2nd time a boyfriend will be meeting my extended family, and the first time meeting my grandfather, who is my shining star. I'm nervous, but not anxious.

[Fudgie]

I think you've chilled out because he's meeting your communication needs and you feel secure about how he feels for you. That's a really good sign!

 

I'm sure you'll have a great time with him and the family.

[WithLove]

My weekend was excellent! J, his best friend and I headed over to my family's on Friday after work. We stayed over that night and Saturday night with my cousin and her husband. Saturday night was the party. It was so much fun. I reused my pirate costume from Pirate Fest and J went as a barbarian. Saturday night my cousin's parents also slept over, in addition to J and I and his friend; and everyone had to bring their pets with them because of the distance and time spent over, so all of us were cramped in a two bedroom apartment. It gave me huge anxiety and was something I wasn't aware of when I invited J and his friend. By the time Sunday morning came around, I was cranky and very ready to leave.

 

Fortunately, J was very understanding. He asked me what was wrong; I told him I can only handle so much of my family in one sitting for so long, and he just gave me a hug and told me everything was okay. He's very big on holding hands and touching me. I like it a lot, but I'm still not used to it. The good news is that my grandfather really seemed to like him. He gave us his blessing and good wishes. It means a lot to me.

 

My birthday is this week and I know J wants me to come down on Tuesday like normal, but I don't think I will. I'm very financially strapped and really can't afford to make the hour drive. I hope he won't be too disappointed. Maybe he'll decide to come see me instead.

[WithLove]

In medication news: Not sure if these pills are working very well yet. The only thing sticking around is the facial numbness and extremity tingling; I still feel hungry throughout the day, mostly during the morning and late at night. Should I give it a little while longer to talk to my doctor about it? I'm not sure I'd want to increase the dosage in light of the weird side effects.

[faraday]

Sometimes side effects take a few weeks to go away. Whenever I increase my dose for my ADD meds, I'm really jittery...to the point where I debate going down in dosage again...but it dissipates after a few weeks and then the meds are good. When I first started in them, it wasn't working because the dose wasn't high enough, but I still was jittery. That sucked.

 

Just try to get through it. Then talk to your doctor when you're supposed to go in.

 

Happy almost birthday! Just ask him to come see you. He can't read your mind.

 

 

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[WithLove]

Should I outright ask him, or just tell him "hopefully I'll get to see you at some point" and see if he suggests coming over? He already drove a lot this weekend.

[faraday]

Are you going to be financially strapped like this every month, or just this month because of all the deposits?

 

If it's just this month, you need to explain to him that you're going to be broke until mid November, and that he needs to come see you for the next little bit. Just tell him, "I like you. Come see me whenever you want...I want to come see you, but I can't. So come here?..I have cookies." Or whatever, but just let him know he needs to come see you until you're financially solid again. He won't mind. He won't reject you. The only way he would reject you is if he didn't know what was going on and he thought you didn't want to see him.

 

 

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[WithLove]

No, it'll just be like this til.... yeah, mid-November.

 

I texted him "I'd really like to see you, but I'm going to have to stick close to home for the next few weeks. I'd love for you to come see me whenever you're able to."

 

Even though for a few weeks I was the one traveling to see him (when my Dad moved back).... I still feel bad that he'll be the one coming to see me.

[faraday]

I wouldn't worry so much about keeping things exactly equal. It's like trying to divide down to the cents on a meal out...who cares? Contribute when you can, and keep in mind that relationships have times where partners out in more or less depending on what they can (and I don't just mean fiscally- I mean overall...time, energy, emotion, romance)...it's rarely completely equal at any given moment....and who wants to live like that? Just enjoy your time together.

 

 

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[WithLove]

I turn 26 tomorrow. Mom is taking me out to dinner. J is meeting us there to celebrate. It'll be a nice evening. But for whatever reasons, I'm sort of bummed today. There's a sadness in me and I can't place it right now.

[Fudgie]

I cried on my birthday this year. I think it can be really normal to be a little sad on your birthday.

[IAmFCA]

Turning 26 was the only birthday that hit me funny. 30 40 and 50 all were days for which I felt grateful. 26 felt like, Time to put away the games. No more laughter no more fun, the drudge of midlife has begun.

 

That wasn't my day to day reality and mid life is better than the slog I expected. But I get it about 26. Oddly, somehow, it was the end of a youthful era for me.

 

I feel you.

[WithLove]

Glad to know others have felt it. You guys are right. 26 feels different than 25 did. I'm leaving Mom's health insurance. I'm getting to an age where I (at a younger age) deemed appropriate to start thinking about getting married and making a family, if that's what I wanted to do. And I'm with a man that I know wants a family and marriage. So, it's a really scary thing for me. I feel that I'm at an adult age, but don't feel like an adult yet. It's the opposite of how I felt when I was younger.

[faraday]

If it's any consolation, I used this quote that I found on the Internet for jays birthday card this year,

 

"I keep thinking, "oh man, I'm so immature. How am I allowed to be an adult?" Then...I spend time with teenagers. And it's like, "wow. Okay. Yeah. I am an adult. I am so adult. Look at me adulting all over the place." "

 

You never really feel like you're old. You never feel like an adult....but you are. If you want to feel old, find a 16 year year old...they'll call you ma'am and suddenly you'll long for people your parents age lol.

 

 

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[WithLove]

Been talking with my mom about J. Here's an excerpt of what I told her:

 

"He is sure of himself… it’s one of the things I struggle with, because he’s very confident and self-assured, pretty much all the things I’m not… so it’s hard being confident in myself around that. I worry, sometimes, that one day he will just get fed up with me and my ‘issues’ and not want to deal with them anymore. But… I try not to think about it. No one knows the future. And I don’t know that I’ll always be like this. I think I’ve come pretty far already. And most days are better than they used to be.

 

I think, ultimately, that I’ve always been with a guy that I feel like I outrank in terms of confidence and maturity. And for the first time I think that my partner is better in everything than I am. It’s sort of disheartening. I feel like I’m not the catch, that he is, and that I’m not good enough."

 

Blah. I really am bummed today, to be thinking these things. She told me that she disagrees, that she feels like I'm with someone that's my equal for the first time. Maybe she's right, I don't know. But I do feel that I'm less than equal. That he's better and I'm less so. I'm trying to change that. It's hard.

[Fudgie]

I've always said that I won't get married before I am 30. I feel like that's a good age to get married if you're going to get married. Now I am 26 and that's like 4 years away and I'm thinking, I'm way, way, way, way too young to get married, or do any of this. I don't feel too young to buy a house or a car or to make big career choices but any relationship milestone outside of shacking up seems daunting and I don't think I'm "adult" enough for any of this. I just want to go home and read, watch TV, play my instrument, damnit. Even my mom is saying things like "Well, maybe it's silly to wait until you're 30" NO IT'S NOT I PROBABLY WONT BE READY AT 30 SO I SURE AS HECK WON'T BE READY BEFORE THAT.

 

Why is everything in rush? Life feels like a blur. I feel like someone reached in and pushed my "fast forward" button sometime in my 18th year and now time flies and the only way to make it slow down is to stare at a clock, which I really don't want to do.

 

 

Anyway,

 

J sounds like a good guy and I think we are all our own worst critics, so he sees you very differently than you see yourself. Being with someone better than yourself is a good thing. Like you, I've dated men who didn't have my level of education, or much ambition, etc. K is the first guy I've dated who has a BS like me and he's quite ambitious. He works like 60+ hours a week, including things at home, and he's very intelligent. He is definitely more intelligent than I am, not by a whole lot but it's there. As long as I am being treated like the equal that I am though, I don't mind.

 

It is really more satisfying to be with someone who is more of your equal, maybe a bit better, because you will continue to challenge each other and encourage each other's development as people.

[Seraphim]

Life just goes faster and faster and faster from here on out ladies. It doesn't get slower I can tell you that.

[WithLove]

So, how do I put on the brakes??

[Fudgie]

This ride is going to too fast; I want to get off.

[LoveSoDeep]

It's important to understand that life won't just "slow down" the bills won't stop coming no matter how much money you make...the responsibilities will always be there. So dreading them won't do you any good.

 

Maybe you could find a hobby that allows you to slow down and enjoy a little bit of downtime? Some people love to read to unwind, or I have friends that knit, crochet, or even cross stitch. Heck I have another friend who just started coloring....yep they make coloring books for adults and they are amazing! Or maybe you just need a great bubble bath now and then. It's all about learning how to unwind and finding perspective.