K's Dating Journal

[notalady]

when it's not to my advantage, I feel dissatisfied. As awful as that sounds.

 

I think it's called female blue balls

[WithLove]

It does suck. Especially because.... well, maybe a bit TMI, but he makes these amazing noises in the morning when he wakes up. His nickname is "Bugbear" (it's a nerdy Dungeons and Dragons thing, lol; he's been called this for most of his life, apparently) and he makes these moans and groans when he's getting up that, for whatever reason, I find absolutely amazing (and hot! haha). I would probably be okay about no morning sex, if not for those moans and groans!!

[WithLove]

What are the good things about him? What makes you think, at this point, that he would make good husband potential?

 

I know he'd make a great husband. There are too many things to list... I'll try.

 

Funny

Supportive

Affectionate

Good listener

Good conversationalist

Managerial job

"Manly" man

Takes care of his property/material things

Can fix/repair things

Lots of similar interests

Great sex

Great kisser

Good cook

Good hygiene and personal habits

Handsome

Mature

 

EDIT; to add loyal, loves his family, good with kids, secure.

[faraday]

I just wanted to know what you saw in him. In journals, we tend to post about the things that are bugging is- the negative stuff...and I hadn't really heard you say anything positive about him...so I just wanted to make sure that he has redeeming qualities. It sounds like he does. That's good. When Jay annoys me, I think about all this good qualities...it helps to ground me.

[WithLove]

I do tend to highlight his bad qualities. It's an unfortunate habit.

 

He really is a good guy. The things I highlight are ones that are hard for me to get past... And because most of the people that read this journal have become friends, I value everyone's input.

 

Probably the things I'm having issues with the most: communication (although that's become much better and in itself really isn't much of a hot button topic for me anymore); and more recently, kindness and consideration. We have a really good rapport with each other, and tease each other quite frequently, but occasionally his teasing borders on unkind. I haven't talked about it before because I know it's mostly me being too sensitive.

[faraday]

A question, not a judgement: how many things do you think you need to compromise on or change about yourself to be with someone? Where do you draw the line?

 

Relationships are about compromise. We trade some things for others that we value more.

 

I've made a few compromises to be with jay. There were some things that I thought would be a big deal, that turned out to not be such a big deal. You've read in my journal...the sex was adequate in the beginning. I was worried it would be a problem. Now...it's not. Sometimes I miss the adventurous sex, but 99% of the time, everything else is so good that...it's not something I think about very often. When you live together, both have demanding careers, a child, housework, home maintenance and 85 other things on the go- sex doesn't happen as much as it did in the beginning...and honestly, I'm glad to be with someone that makes all the mundane life stuff awesome.

 

I also used to stress about the lack of contact...but now when he's in work trips, he calls every day and talks for an hour. Yesterday the site manager let them off early so he had a half day- and he called twice. Sometimes I wish he'd communicate less lol.

 

So try not to stress yourself out too much. Just go with it...see where it goes. Focus on the good...because if you focus on the bad, that's all you'll see. And know your boundaries. Know how much you're willing to compromise. Know when you're giving away yourself to be with someone- because that's a sign you should run. Be the partner you want him to be to you. Try to see the best in him- the way you hope he sees the best in you.

[faraday]

As for the kindness thing...that's another "be the person you want to date" situation. If you can't take it, don't dish it. Tell him when he goes too far...let him know what your boundaries are when you're joking.

[WithLove]

Ahhhh, Faraday.... when did you get to be so smart?

 

I'm glad you're around. Your insights mean so much to me. Thank you.

 

For me, it's a balancing act. How much of the discomforts that I feel are directly related to what my mood is that day, and how much are what I'm really, honest-to-God feeling? Most times, things are great. It's when I'm not feeling so well, mentally, that they aren't. I have enough self-awareness to know that most of the time, it's me and my own issues. Not him. But sometimes I feel like, everything that goes on in my head is part of me, whether I want it to be or not, and eventually anyone I date is going to have to accept that I sometimes get emotionally and mentally unstable, just for a little while.

 

So far, J has done well under fire. The only thing I can do is let time pass and see how it goes. I truly believe that there's enough here to keep going and see what kind of relationship we can have. He has a lot of the qualities I'm looking for to have a LTR with someone; and the few things that I keep saying I'm bothered by, really don't matter in the larger scale of things, and that's what I have to keep in mind when I'm having a bad day.

 

 

 

Related: I hate having a mental illness.

[WithLove]

It's funny- I made it so much more complicated than it needed to be. I had so much baggage from my mr wow that I overthought everything....which...made sense at the time because my mr wow was so complicated...but jay isn't.

 

And it will feel different. If ice is stable and rational and into you...it will feel like it takes forever (because the wow guys go so fast), it will feel so different...but it will also be easy (if you let it). These stable, calm, into you guys...they're consistent, if nothing else. You'll think...at the rate this is going, we'll never live together...we'll never be serious. It's because they move so slow that you can't see them move...but they're always moving...and in a year, they'll have slowly moved completely into your life.

 

Sticking this here. I love it.

[faraday]

awww You're making me blush

[WithLove]

It's a bad day for me.

[missmarple]

Are you ok? What happened?

[WithLove]

I started a thread about it. About my father's alcoholism. It's just hurting my heart today.

[WithLove]

What a night. Lots to talk about. But it's 2 am and I need to be at work at 8. Will report in tomorrow.

[WithLove]

Last night, J and I talked about where our relationship was headed. I'm not sure how the subject even came up. I was talking to him about a place I'm going to look at today. It's by my work and means that we'll be even further away from each other - about an hour. He was talking about work stress and how he's worried about bills this month. Suddenly we looked at each other and the question was put forth to, is this going to work.

 

Neither of us is made of money and knows that if I move further away, seeing each other more than once a week, even that, is going to be rare due to travel costs and normal expenses, at least until one of our situations changes; i.e., he gets offered a promotion again (he wasn't able to accept it a few months ago when it was offered because it required relocation and he couldn't find a place in time), or I get a substantial raise (which I hopefully will be getting when I get my review in January, but likely isn't going to be a 'substantial' amount). We discussed compromises; I told him, seeing each other when possible would be fine, even if just once a week; once I get my own place, we can take turns driving to see each other depending on our schedules. But that means that we're both going to have to compromise when it comes to communicating in between the times we see each other. He explained to me that texting just isn't his thing; that sometimes he doesn't know how to respond to some of the things I say in text because he's pretty descriptive in his responses and most of the time, he just doesn't have the time to type things out, and so this results in him just agreeing with what I say and in turn leads me to say those things before (that when he does text, it's usually of no substance). He also said he's bad a small talk and doesn't know how to respond to even simple "how are you?" messages. I told him how in previous relationships, my partner and I would be in contact pretty regularly, text and in person, and so to me, this relationship seems like it's moving at a much slower pace than anything I'm used to. It's not a bad thing, it's just different, and it's a challenge. So, the compromises would be that I would need to understand and accept that his job demands make it so that he simply won't have the time to message me as often as I'm used to; and he would have to initiate more calling so that I have a small thread of communication.

 

He also spoke about his job and the stress he has going on in his life that he's dealing with. One thing I mentioned to him was that I was listening to him talk about these things to a friend, and realized that he doesn't ever talk about bad things with me. I never hear about what's troubling him or bothering him. And it made me wonder how much I really know about him. And I have to keep reminding myself that we're still in sort-of early stages, and since we are moving at a slower pace, it's going to take time. But last night was the first time he voiced bothersome things to me, and it was good.

 

We ended up not getting able to finish our conversation, so things are still sort of up in the air right now. Basically, I came away from it with him telling me that he wanted to fight for this because he really likes me, but acknowledges that the distance is already stressing me out and doesn't want me to continually put myself in a bad place. So I guess the ball is in my court now.

 

Of note: when I do move, I'm almost positive that it'll be to somewhere that's going to create more physical distance, but the limited "in-person" time we'll get may be temporary, because like I said, he may be offered a promotion again (or, he also stated that he may wait until after our tourist season ends and try to find something that's better paying), and I have my annual review in January that'll very likely include a raise. So, I think seeing each other once a week is still probable, if not ideal.

 

Any insights?

[WithLove]

I'm going to look at an apartment today. It's less than my last one and close to work. It has hardwood floors, updated kitchen, and a stand-in shower (good-bye, bubble baths, hello shower sex!). Best of all, it has a stacked washer and dryer. It doesn't include anything but I was paying for utilities etc at my old place and it was more per month. I'll also be closer to work (10 min max as opposed to 30 min now). So that'll save in gas.

 

It puts me about an hour away from J, though.

 

Anyway, I asked my mom to come with me. She has a job that allows her to look into the property's history and can see it isn't foreclosed on and hasn't had any recent police activity. I'm cautiously optimistic.

[mhowe]

Why not look for a place that is a 30 min commute to work and a 30 minute commute to J? It would only be a years' lease so you can let things play out without making it an hour to see K and 10 minutes to work.

[WithLove]

I currently am a half hour away from each. I'm with my father in a neighborhood I would love to stay in. But there's simply nothing in my price range anywhere in the middle of my work and J.

[mhowe]

Well, the problem doesn't have to be solved today....or tomorrow. Perhaps something will come up.

[WithLove]

The only way I could stay in the goal area is to get into a roommate situation, and I don't know of anyone looking to do that, nor am I willing to share a space with a stranger.

 

I do feel that I need to get out of my father's house ASAP. See my other thread about it. I'm not going to put my mental health at stake for very much longer.

 

Thank you, Mhowe, for your suggestions. I appreciate any ideas... Kinda lost.

[missmarple]

If you both want to make it work, you'll make it work. Seeing someone once a week isn't that bad..especially with the prospect that the situation will change at some point. However, if there's no or very limited communication throughout the week, I don't know if a relationship can last. For me, personally, it wouldn't.... because, although I don't really need to see someone every other day, I do want to talk to them and not just in a 'how are you' sort of way. When I had started dating my ex husband and we had been together less than a year, he had to move over 10 hours away for a year...during that year we had only managed to meet 5-6 times..but we made it work because we would take turns calling each other every other day and really talking....oh, and there were no cell phones back then. No emails, either. So, I think your situation is much better..it depends on how invested in this you both are.

[WithLove]

I did tell him that sometimes I feel that I'm more invested in this than he is, just based on how I seem to be the only one struggling with communication and such. He told me it kind of hurt that I think that, because he's very serious about us dating and feels he's just as invested as I am.

[faraday]

You have got to stop having all these "talks". You barely know each other. Knock it off (said with sisterly love).

 

I met jay...we went out one more time...and then he left for 3 weeks. He sent a text or two every few days...it sucked. It was tough. But I liked him so I did my best to be patient and bide time until he returned. He liked me...he wasn't talking to anyone else and he pulled down his profile (except I didn't find this out until 4 months in).

 

If two people really like each other, they'll figure it out. They'll make it work. Jay was gone for 6 months of our relationship where I saw him for 2 days every 3.5 weeks. He learned he needed to phone me. I learned how to be independent.

 

It's not easy when you don't live close (or have a crazy job). But you figure it out.

 

If you guys keep having weekly talks about your relationship, you're seriously going to kill it. Just get to know him. It will either work, or it won't. Talking about hypotheticals in excess will not help bond you together.

 

Move where you would move if you were single. Find a place you love. Make yourself happy. Don't compromise on a living arrangement over a guy you've been dating a month.

[reinventmyself]

wise advise faraday . .

 

My best friend ran some guy off in the early stages by all the `talking'

Each day she would share with me her intense need to call this guy and `talk' to him about something else.

I warned her and warned her not to. She couldn't resist and he bolted.

I could see that fear was motivating her to do so. She needed to learn to manage her fears, not so much this new relationship.

 

Withlove isn't doing what my friend did. . but the message is the same.

Have some faith!

I have learned that things typically work out the way they are supposed to anyway. . . despite all our worrying and our attempts at managing things.

 

New relationships can be fragile and we shouldn't handle them too much at times.

[WithLove]

Duly noted, Faraday and Reinvent. Did not hear from him much yesterday, but I didn't panic nor did I get upset. I'm focusing on me and doing my own thing. As you said, if we both want it to work out, it will, because we'll both be putting in the effort for it to do so. It'll be okay.

 

I found an apartment. I saw it yesterday. It's the one I talked about yesterday. It's perfect! It's in the downtown area of my city. It's walking distance of shops, restaurants, bars, clubs, and a fantastic library. It has a washer and dryer. When I went to meet the lady, the unit itself was way different and less attractive than advertised. But still had all the things I was looking for. I talked to her about it and she agreed to let it go for $475/month instead, which was pleasantly surprising and not necessary. I'm getting the finer details today. I think I will take it. It's just what I'm looking for.

 

Moving on to bigger and better things, for me.