K's Dating Journal

[WithLove]

It does. I'm taking it to heart. All of it. People say "don't take things so personally" but it's what I'm (best?) at. I'm no good at letting things roll off my back. I know I need to think about therapy again, but right now it's not an option. So it looks like I'll be posting in here a lot.

 

I need to figure out why I need reassurance in a relationship.

I need to figure out why I'm constantly looking for flaws and faults and blowing them up so big in my mind that they implode.

I need to figure out how to talk myself down instead of up.

[reinventmyself]

. . .sending you some strength with a dose of clarity. . if that helps

[WithLove]

Guys, I'm in love.

 

 

 

With this mint chocolate chip ice cream. Yummmmmmm

[reinventmyself]

Are you ok?

[WithLove]

I'm alright, yes. I spent Saturday day and evening with J. His goddaughter lives with him (his best friend and roommate is her father) and she stuck to me like a burr. She calls me "Aunt K" and I didn't know how to tell her I'm not her aunt, so I let it be. She asked me when I would be "having a sleepover with Uncle J" again; I told her "whenever he asks me to come over again". He heard me and said to her "Don't let her fool you. She knows I want her over as often as possible. She just wants to hear me say it!" and I giggled, because it's true.

 

I had a good time, but J and I had no alone time, so it was difficult trying to connect with him in that aspect. He made dinner Saturday night and breakfast for me the next morning. It was so nice being able to sleep next to him as well. I didn't sleep very well, since I'm not used to his place or sleeping with anyone in general, so I woke up a lot; but every time I did, and moved around, he moved with me, like he was trying to comfort me. He'd put a hand on my hip, or I'd feel his face on my upper back, or if I snuggled up to his back if he wasn't facing me, he'd pull my arm around him. It was sweet and made me feel good. Even though we didn't have sex, this level of intimacy was very enjoyable, too.

 

It was a weird, but not unenjoyable, "family-like" weekend. J made a comment like "I'm glad you're around to see and be with my 'family unit'."

 

He's been much better about calling and texting. I don't hear much from him while he is working, which he warned me about, but before and after he's been much better. It's not constant; every few hours, which I like much better.

 

In all, just the past week has been good. I'm still being reserved. But it's good.

[faraday]

Sounds like a good weekend. That's how things are with kids- it mellows things out and changes the dynamic quite a bit. I wouldn't worry too much about being an honorary aunt- it's a sign that either she likes you or she was raised to do that...like a respect thing, instead of "miss" or "mrs". Tine calls grown ups "miss" or "mr" or aunt or uncle if she's fond of them.

 

I used to take melatonin when I'd sleep at jays...well, or ambien lol. I couldn't sleep well with him until we moved in together- too inconsistent to get used to it.

 

I'm glad you're happier with communication. If he's texting you every few hours- that's a lot...he's really making an effort to show you that you're important. Keep reminding yourself of all the things he's doing (when you feel anxious).

 

Things are good. Keep it up

[WithLove]

One thing that I'm still uncertain about is how he's going to take me during my bad episodes.

 

I alienate. I pull away. And I Isolate. I do all the things you're not supposed to do. I'm afraid he won't understand, or won't support me. He has said he's battled depression in the past, but I honestly can't see it, at all. He's very self-assured, very comfortable and confident. All the things I'm not. It's hard to compete against that. I sort of feel like he just won't have the patience to deal with me when I have bad days. Does that make any sense?

 

But then, he has surprised me. Last week, when we talked about the bad day/couple of days, I was trying to tell him what I feel, and how it affects me, and he simply asked me what I need from him when I have days like that. I told him, sometimes I'll need extra attention, whether that means hugs, kisses, or more texting/calling if we're apart. Sometimes I'll need a milkshake. It all depends on how I'm feeling. He told me he makes really good smoothies, and I said okay, thinking well, definitely doesn't seem like he's hearing what I'm saying. Then, when I went to see him on Saturday, he pulled some mango (which I had told him weeks ago was my favorite fruit) from the freezer and yogurt and made me a smoothie. So, I feel like even if he doesn't understand what's going on in my head, maybe this is his way of telling me that he's here for me and will support me on my bad days.

[mhowe]

I think he is hearing you amazingly well and doing what he can to support you.

[WithLove]

I think you're right, Mhowe. I think, I think too much, and complicate things.

[WithLove]

Guys...... I have my gym clothes on.... at work..... this means I'm going to the gym right after and not procrastinating..... right??

[WithLove]

Feeling worn out today. I went out with Joshua last night and didn't get back til almost 3. Work at 8. Dragging today for sure!

[WithLove]

Day 2 of no medication. Picked up a new bottle from the pharmacy, but somehow forgot to put it in my purse... So it's in my bedroom, instead of where it needs to be. Sigh.

 

Just gotta make it through the day, then I can go home. I've been really tired lately, so I'm eager to get to bed early.

 

J asked me to go to the beach with him on Sunday for beach fun and a picnic with his 'family unit'. I hate the beach, but I like him, so that should be enough to get through the day. I bought a new swimsuit (really cheap!) and it has regular bikini bottoms. It's the first time I'll be wearing a suit with no skirt/shorts in, like, 20 years. Nearly had a panic attack when I purchased it, but thought - eff everyone! I'm tired of having anxiety over something stupid like swimwear.

[WithLove]

I found a studio apartment in the same neighborhood as my father. It's the neighborhood I grew up in. It's more than I was paying for my old place, but in the best location for me (plus a safer neighborhood). I'm willing to pay more for that. I also have my review coming up in January and hopefully will get a raise.

 

I'm calling the guy on my lunch hour to ask more questions.

[faraday]

I found a studio apartment in the same neighborhood as my father. It's the neighborhood I grew up in. It's more than I was paying for my old place, but in the best location for me (plus a safer neighborhood). I'm willing to pay more for that. I also have my review coming up in January and hopefully will get a raise.

 

I'm calling the guy on my lunch hour to ask more questions.

 

That's awesome.

 

Have you been able to save up a decent contingency fund while staying with your dad?

[WithLove]

I've only been staying at my dad's for a month, so I do have a little, but not much.

 

But my father told me he'd help me move when I did find a place. I'm not too worried about it.

[faraday]

He can give you a few grand as a back up just in case?

 

I'm not trying to pick on you I just bought you moved in with your dad partly because of finances (and bugs)...so moving into a more expensive place might not be a great idea until you have decent amount saved up...instead of relying on a raise that isn't a for sure thing. (Don't hate me...I'm just trying to make sure you're not moving because you want out (which I completely understand) before you're completely ready.

[WithLove]

I completely understand where you're coming from, Faraday. I should have added, though, that this place is equal to what they would have raised my rent to in the last place, except it includes everything (electric, water, cable, internet), all of which I paid solo before without including rent. So in the end it's much cheaper than what I paid before.

 

I would never hate you. You're the sisterly "Y U DO THIS?!" voice that I really need in my life. My dad actually knows the guy that's renting this place and told me to go check it out today after work, which I'm doing (called the guy on my lunch) and told me to wait to make any commitments until I talk to him.

 

Regardless, even though this place seems like a good deal, I feel that I'll probably lose out to someone that's ready to move in tomorrow. The guy stated that he's showing the rental to others as well. I would ask to wait until next weekend.

[faraday]

You never know, sometimes having that connection (like your dad knowing him) will win out over speed.

 

I'm glad that you don't get mad at me I know I'm horrible...jay is like, teaching me all this "being practical" stuff...it's ruining my whimsy. He's trying to teach me about this thing called "bud-get"...for an impulsive artist...it's a really weird concept....it's actually scary that's it's rubbing off on me to this degree. Oh god...I need to go do something impulsive!

[Ms Darcy]

I've only been staying at my dad's for a month, so I do have a little, but not much.

 

But my father told me he'd help me move when I did find a place. I'm not too worried about it.

 

I don't know your financial situation or why you moved in with your dad, but ... might you consider staying a bit longer to save a set amount of money? For example, $10g or enough to get you to a down payment on a condo?

[Fudgie]

How much of your monthly pay would go towards rent? Mine is 50%, actually a bit over. I do not recommend that for others but it's okay for me so I stay. I think it's good to get some savings but the most important thing is to make sure you can afford it every month, and able to save some each month for emergencies.

[WithLove]

I drove by the place to check it out and didn't get good vibes. The guy has crap all over his front yard - several car bodies that he's perpetually "working on", 2 lawn mowers, tons of other crap... It made me think, he likely wouldn't be very motivated to fix things that needed to be repaired in my place if he can't even keep his own yard picked up. And places like that normally have pest control issues and I am WAY over anything like that. So, I canceled the showing and went home. Bummer for me, but the right choice in the long run.

 

I went to the beach with J on Sunday. I actually slept over Saturday night and then we went in the morning. I wore a two-piece swimsuit that didn't include shorts/skirt for the first time. I felt great. I had a good time this weekend. The only thing that sort of marred it was that I was looking for more intimacy from J. I sort of feel like when it's early on in a relationship, sex should be exciting and sought-after, because it's new and you're learning about your partner. But because we see each other sort of infrequently, I feel that there's a pressure to have sex every time we see each other, and if it doesn't happen, I get sort of put off. I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. If we saw each other more often then I wouldn't be as... hungry? for it. But I don't think he wants it as often as me.

 

My rationale is telling me that this is likely another incompatibility. But I'm not willing to step away from him just yet.

 

Relationships are hard.

[notalady]

I know exactly how you feel.

 

I only felt that way about sex (dissatisfied when I don't get it) with Z, not any previous ex or current bf, because intimacy and affection was lacking in general.

 

Short of sufficient affection outside of sex, it became one of the only ways I got my "dose" of affection from him, and he withdrew in that regard too, we had sex once every two weeks or so, and it was like a chore for him, he was always a bit reluctant (after the first couple of months when he was super into me). I used to get a bit grumpy when we couldn't have sex, and he would say things like "poor you", to remind me that I was the only one wanting it and that he didn't mind the lack of sex, that it's not that important to him. I just felt unwanted a lot. It was a major incompatibility for me amongst other things.

 

There are a couple of times where due to schedule and activities, me and J wouldn't get to have sex for one or two weeks, but I don't feel grumpy or sad or anxious or have any negative feelings about it. So I believe it's not about sex at all, but affection and feeling safe in the relationship in general.

 

You are not wrong though, early stages of relationship often do involve of a lot of sex, because there is a lot of affection and passion, you just can't get enough of each other.

[WithLove]

Don't get me wrong - we almost always have sex when I see him (I think maybe twice we didn't?) and I do enjoy it a lot. We had sex on Saturday evening before bed and he actually initiated something new, which is a big deal (I've always been the one to ask for new things/initiate it in all my relationships). I wanted more "sexy time" when we woke up and I think he didn't, but rather than say no, he said "okay, I have to use the restroom first though" and then he got distracted by something and didn't come back for like 15 minutes. By then my "open window" had passed and I just got dressed. It's the second time it has happened, so I won't be initiating it in the morning anymore. I did bring it up later and asked if he just didn't like to do it in the mornings; his response was something like "I pretty much don't like anything about any morning". So, he just has different tastes than I do, I guess. I know we're all different and I don't expect for us to mesh well in every area; but it sort of sucked that we got on the wrong page twice. But at least I know now.

 

I certainly do not feel as if this is a "lack of affection" thing. He's very very affectionate all the time. I think it's just... me noticing our differences and when it's not to my advantage, I feel dissatisfied. As awful as that sounds.

[notalady]

That's good that you have no problem in the sex area lol yes apparently some people don't like morning sex. Unless I'm under time constraint, I don't see why not! Morning sex is awesome!

 

I can understand how it feels to be turned down for sex though, even indirectly.

[faraday]

What are the good things about him? What makes you think, at this point, that he would make good husband potential?