K's Dating Journal

[itsallgrand]

Not necessarily short term though....just more casual perhaps than what you are looking for??

[notalady]

I wouldn't necessarily conclude that he wanted something short term or casual. It sounds like your typical coming on strong at the start, everything developed fast and now it's all cooled down.

 

Z was very eager to have me meet his friends and family (before I was ready), wanted exclusivity very early and wanted me to be his gf very eagerly too. He wanted to lock me down, he jumped in head first without thinking but once he knew he got me, he started thinking and realising this is getting real and he wasn't ready for that. But he didn't want to let me go either. So it was a constant push and pull from him.

[itsallgrand]

^Not to nit pick, but that's what I would call wanting casual. I want casual but I don't want you to think I want casual, because then you will be off pursuing someone who can be serious with you, and I won't have all this lovely attention on me.

The worst kind of casual, cause it's not very honest. They dont have it to give, but will tell you they do anyways.

[notalady]

I guess so, however that is speculating on his intent (wanting casual and lied about it vs wanting serious relationship but not actually ready to be in one), and really no one can know for sure other than himself.

 

The intent doesn't really matter anyway. The actions are what matters.

[Ms Darcy]

How long have you been dating?

[faraday]

Omg...I just moved...well 2.5 weeks ago...and I've *just* started to call people. It is so much work! Thoroughly cleaning the new place, cleaning the old place...moving everything. Living out of boxes while unpacking...not sleeping the same for the first while because your bedroom is different...needing to buy new groceries and restock pantries...picking up things that you need in the new place...I can't imagine doing it while working full time. Jay and I took an entire 9 days off work to pack and move.

 

It's a lot of work. Blunt post below...if you want to hear a post like everyone else's, just skip mine...because I'm going to say it.

 

You've been complaining about this guy from the very beginning. You've over invested in a guy that up until 5 days ago, was living with his ex gf still. Its only been a month. Just dump the guy. Find someone you like more....because this is crazy.

[Ms Darcy]

Oh, Faraday answered my question.

 

Maybe it's just me then but I feel like this is all way too fast for a month in. I saw my husband twice the first month because he moved and he completely disappeared for those two weeks. I should say though that he didn't just break up with someone else.

 

So, I think it's just good to relax and take a step back. One month is too early to even be in a relationship, I think. It's getting to know you time.

[notalady]

Thanks for the reminder faraday, I forgot it has indeed only been a month and a bit.

 

Ms Darcy, I don't think your one month is the same as K's one month though. I assume you didn't have sex or become exclusive after two dates? I would say it's perfectly reasonable in your case where you've only been on two dates, didn't get physical, both not yet invested and he was busy with moving, perfectly fine with wanting to wait till after that to resume dating you rather than trying to keep in touch or trying to fit a third date in.

 

In K's case though, things have moved a lot faster and both parties have invested a lot more (well K has anyway).

 

I agree with taking a step back and cool off a bit.

[Fudgie]

I don't think there's anything wrong with choosing to be in a relationship a month in. I've done that and it's currently going fine. Relationship = not seeing anyone else, that is. The key is that both people need to be on the same page and be compatible with amount of contact/communication. I don't really know J's deal. I just want you to be happy, K. If he's not making you happy and you two keep having communication issues, then you just may not be compatible.

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks for the reminder faraday, I forgot it has indeed only been a month and a bit.

 

Ms Darcy, I don't think your one month is the same as K's one month though. I assume you didn't have sex or become exclusive after two dates? I would say it's perfectly reasonable in your case where you've only been on two dates, didn't get physical, both not yet invested and he was busy with moving, perfectly fine with wanting to wait till after that to resume dating you rather than trying to keep in touch or trying to fit a third date in.

 

Only my opinion and my personal experience here. Time always tells. Here is something from another poster that always stuck with me ... and I kept it mind when I first started dating my husband ...

 

Moving too fast is not good because within the first 3 - 4 months, it's simply an "infatuation" stage. Not saying the feelings aren't real, but there hasn't been enough time to truly mutually get to know one another. So, the feelings are really based more on honeymoon phase type feelings than reality. Reality can feel really good too, but it is a different "good" than the beginning of a new relationship.

 

There is no way around it -- it takes time to get to know another human being. It can't be rushed. Within that time, communication skills are built also. Learning how each other reacts during disagreements, when stressed, when sick... And learning about the consistency of the other persons behavior is so important and can only be done over time.

 

The person we think we know 3 months in, is nowhere near the person in their entirety. Nor would we be to them... That is why it's important not to rush. We'd both want to get an authentic, accurate picture of what we are signing up for possibly long term here with each other.

 

So in a nutshell, one just doesn't have a good enough handle/reading on that person or on your & their relationship at the early stages, no matter what we might think we know to be true. Nothing short of time takes care of that.

 

Moving slowly allows for things to happen at a pace that will contribute most to the chances of a successful relationship. And remember that you can always move forward (ie. things do progress just the same) when pacing things in a healthy way but you can never go backwards once certain acts are too hastily done or said.... Better to take it slowly & introduce situations & ways of being into the relationship accordingly.

[reinventmyself]

This is a massive transition for him. Moving out, leaving behind the remnants of a failed marraige, establishing custody schedules. I'd give him alot of space and lower my expectations of him at this time.

 

It may not be ok with you seeing you are looking for something more at this point but you did sign up for this. Being aware and actually working through it is two different things.

 

He has a great deal of adjustment ahead of him.

It's up to you if you are willing to ride it out.

If it were me, I'd give him a wide birth and get busy with my life.

Time will tell.

[notalady]

Time always tells. Here is something from another poster that always stuck with me ... and I kept it mind when I first started dating my husband ...

 

Oh I absolutely agree. I was very much mindful of the pace when first starting to date current bf. Still am but less so than before lol.. I also agree that it take 3-4 months to really start to get to know someone.

[faraday]

Jay and I were exclusive less than a month in...I get liking someone and wanting to focus on them. I also get wanting to spend more time with them...I struggled with this too- Jay would be working out in the field for 3 weeks at a time and would send me a text every few days. It was pretty painful. But I asked him "are you in and this is just your life, or are you trying to do the slow fade away?" He said he was in...and I decided to take his word for it. There was some "chill the f out" posts in my journal too. The thing is...it was me. Not him. I was scared to get hurt. Scared he was leading me on....and those feelings weren't helping me make smart dating decisions. I was working from a place of fear. When I decided to trust him...when I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt...I became okay with the time apart. I stopped getting anxiety. I stopped being afraid. And our relationship got so much better...because..oddly, weekly interrogations about feelings don't make a partner want to be closer to you.

 

So make a decision. There are three: get out, change nothing and keep feeling this way, or work on being secure within yourself and trusting him.

 

Because all these talks...will push him away. And stop talking to his friends about if he's ready for a relationship or not. If they bring it up, laugh and ask them why they're sharing this stuff with you....they sound like busy bodies.

 

Good luck.

[itsallgrand]

Well that makes things a lot clearer knowing it's been just over a month, and he has been exiting from another relationship and living situation with another woman during that time.

 

Forgive me, but I am I the only one here who thinks even if he says he can, he's not really in a position right now to be committing to anybody?? Dating...sure. But committing? I don't see how he has that to give right now, and not for a good while.

 

And that really changes everything. I agree with Ms. Darcy's approach in regards to time and space. You can't really short cut it. But a tail end of another relationship, I would add on MORE space and time and lower the expectations even more. And then, if you are still cool with that, proceed knowing it is putting trust in something that has added complications and unavailability issues from the start.

[WithLove]

Nevermind.

[Cheetarah]

I saw your post and was responding to it before you edited.

 

I'm just going to point to your signature. That's all.

[WithLove]

Thank you, Cheet.

 

I'm a mess.

[Cheetarah]

Everyone has some inner mess.

 

I don't think this is making you happy. We all have different ideas on the "shoulds" and how things are supposed to look, as you can see. No matter which way the finger points, you have a lot of anxiety. It's easy for any of us to say sit back and chill, putting it into action isn't easy. Perhaps you're just not ready.

 

It's just a lot of turmoil for a time that's supposed to be pretty fun. That's not how it should be(and I think this might be a universal should ) .

[Cheetarah]

And I get why you'd edit, too.

 

I feel for you. All which is different and new is uncomfortable in some way. I hate when I don't know if it's a good growing discomfort or a bad, gut feeling discomfort. Maybe you're having a hard time discerning.

[notalady]

I didn't see what you wrote but hugs for you nonetheless!

[missmarple]

I also didn't read your post before you edited it but whatever it is, I hope it's not something very bad.

[WithLove]

Just a post about my insecurities.

 

Cheet, he worked 8-4. Communication commenced after and it was good.

 

This is my problem. It's my issue.

[faraday]

I'm sorry to be so hard on you.

 

For me, adjusting my expectations was one of my greatest allies. Dancing Fool gave me the toughest love ever back then and I'm pretty sure it's why I'm still with jay.

 

The thing is...emotionally healthy people communicate in a balanced way. They have a lot of good things going on in their lives, and they aren't going to drop everything for a new person...because they have their priorities straight. You don't want to be with a guy that drops everything in his life to be with you- that says he doesn't value his life...and he'll leave just as fast as he came in (when he finds something else shiny). The flip side is the emotionally distant person that you can't get close too. They're no good either- not emotionally healthy.

 

I'm hard on you because I see myself in you. It's actually painful to read because of how much I recognize myself in your post. But I've come a long way in the last year and a half, and you can and will too. It's not easy. You'll have a lot of doubt. And fear. And I will say this: I don't know if the guy you're with is the right guy for this journey. If he wasn't just leaving his ex...if his friends weren't telling you he's not ready to date...I would say...take the leap of faith and let him set the pace...but I don't know about this guy yet. Try to let him set the pace...but you really need to reign in your emotions until he's proven (through time...not weeks, but several months) that he's in a good place emotionally to date and be s good partner for you.

 

I didn't get to read your post before you edited it. I hope you're okay. ((((WithLove))))

[WithLove]

Faraday, his friends have never told me he wasn't ready to date. Where'd you read that?

[faraday]

Male friends state he doesn't want or maybe isn't ready for a serious relationship but wants me around to go out with and sleep with. They say, if you want something, you go for it. You find the time to text or call. You make time. No matter if you're overwhelmed or not.

 

Looks like I'll be having another talk with Joshua tonight.

 

Sorry, I think this ^ "Male friends" is what didn't compute. It made me think his friends...because I would never differentiate between friends genders in that wording. I read it wrong. Sorry.

 

The rest of my post stands though.