K's Dating Journal

[WithLove]

I do feel like most things in my life are falling into a nice, comfortable and happy place. But I am still trying to work on my mental and physical state. It's really tough. I'm still struggling with it.

[WithLove]

I picked up two things (8 bottles) of GNC's Total Lean Shakes, the vanilla and banana flavors. I'm drinking the vanilla one now as my breakfast. Verdict: It's very sweet, almost too sweet, but there's no grainy texture that protein shakes normally have and it's thick, but not overly so. I'm pleasantly surprised. So far, so good! I'll have the banana one for dinner tonight. I'm ordering a chicken Caesar salad for lunch for more protein and fat. Gym immediately following work.

 

Gotta get my butt back into gear!!

[WithLove]

Welp - after work on Friday I meant to go to the gym, but I blinked and somehow found myself at the McDonald's, instead. Oops.

 

Anyway, today I *officially* restarted my fitness goals. GNC's Total Lean shakes for breakfast and dinner and a nice, fulfilling, healthy lunch. I picked up apples, granola bars, cottage cheese, and yogurt as snacks throughout the work week.

[WithLove]

Not feeling it today. Can I just skip work and pull the covers over my head til tomorrow?

[WithLove]

I struggling with Joshua still. I can't make the good "I got this!" feelings stick for long.

 

We see each other once a week. And there's virtually nothing in between those times. He doesn't call me and hardly ever texts me. I'm trying really hard to form a connection with him, but it's difficult when it feels like I'm the only one trying. He doesn't need regular communication like I do. So this is all on me. And I don't know what to do. I feel like it's my fault, that I'm wanting more. But why should I feel bad for wanting to build a connection with someone I'm dating?

 

I'm so confused. I tried to say something to him last night. I said, I'm still struggling with when and how often to contact you. So mostly I just leave you alone. And his response was: If I'm working, it's better you don't, especially when season starts, because I won't be able to respond. He didn't even address my concerns really. It instantly angered me and I just said "okay" and went to bed. I wanted to say "So how often can I expect to hear from you, then?" but obviously an offhand, angry message like that won't help anybody.

 

I just don't know what to do. I don't even know how to bring this up, or even if I should. I measure each week by how often I hear from him, and it's not a lot. And now that my father is moving back to the house this weekend, I won't be alone and there really won't be any future visits from him, so basically I'll be eating all the travel time to go see him.

 

I feel like I'm the only person in this relationship.

[Fudgie]

Oh K, I'm sorry *huggles* What are you going to do?

[WithLove]

I don't know. I was hoping to hear some wisdom from some kind souls here. I honestly am at a loss. I'm struggling through work today.

[notalady]

To be honest I wouldn't be happy with seeing my bf once a week with little contact in between. I don't think you're asking for much at all.

 

It's a tough situation since if someone doesn't do something voluntarily, what's the point of making them right?

 

What I would do is tell him that to build a relationship, you need to spend more time with him whether it's face to face or on the phone, as you feel what you have at the moment isn't enough to build the necessary connection to continue a relationship in the longer term. Something along those lines, and see what he says/does.

[missmarple]

We see each other once a week. And there's virtually nothing in between those times. He doesn't call me and hardly ever texts me.

 

I wouldn't call that a relationship, to be honest..and I wouldn't be ok with it unless it was the first 4-5 dates I had with someone. Communication is a huge issue in relationships...without it, you don't have much. I'm not sure how long you've been with this guy and if anything can change. If he doesn't feel the need to communicate more with you, you can't make him.

Are you sure there's not anyone else in his life?

[Cheetarah]

It could be an incompatibility. Some people need more, some less.

 

I don't think you're the only one in it, it may be that he is not picking up on your "hints" or like I said, an incompatibility. I think if you're going to say anything more, don't beat around the bush. Don't be scared or shy to state what your needs/wants are, and suss out his. If it's not right, you don't want to continue to spend time in something that might be a dead ender.

[notalady]

Would you feel ok with the communication if you saw each other 2-3 times a week instead?

[WithLove]

He's got a lot on his plate. He just moved into a new place this past weekend. He's unpacking and such. That's why I've tried not to make this into a big deal. I knew he was really stressed from low staff at work, the moving thing, etc. So I decided to wait and see if things got better.

 

I asked him to please take a moment to talk with me about this. He told me: he's really preoccupied with getting the place he just moved into up to his standards. He moved in with his best friend and apparently it was a pigsty. He says he understands that he's been distant, and that he is not disinterested, but he's very overwhelmed with moving and cleaning. Every time he feels that he can start to unpack, he finds something new that has to be cleaned. It's overwhelming him. I told him I sympathized with what he has going on, but I'm wondering if he's going to be distant every time something stressful happens in life, because life is always stressful. He said that he isn't distancing himself, that he just has no free time right now and that it's filled with all this stuff that keeps coming up. That he can only tell me that once its over, he will devote more time to me.

 

I just sort of feel like he's trying to put out fires but doesn't really feel like he wants to deal with something that's inconsequential to him.

[WithLove]

Would you feel ok with the communication if you saw each other 2-3 times a week instead?

 

Absolutely. But it's not that easy. We both work full time, but his hours change weekly. We live more than half an hour away from each other. We both want to cut down on our spending, which means hanging out together at our respective places; but my father comes home this weekend, so him coming to my place really isn't high on my list of "places to hang out" anymore. That leaves me going to his place; me eating the gas and mileage; me being the one making all the efforts, at least until I find my own place. That's something else we need to discuss, too - finding more things to do between our two places that aren't expensive, or even free, that we can both enjoy.

[Fudgie]

If you're the one making the trip to go see him, I think he should give you some cash towards your gas costs, that's fair.

 

Do you have Groupon where you live? I absolutely love that site for finding cheap food, tickets, etc.

[WithLove]

In the end, he just kept stating that he's really overwhelmed with everything right now. I asked him if he thought he had the time and patience that being in a relationship required, and did he want to take a break for a little while. He said no, that he really liked seeing and spending time with me and that normally he didn't feel like communication was ever a problem with him; I said I liked it too, but once a week is not enough for me with virtually no communication in between for 6 days. So, I told him I would drive down to see him more often (2-3 times a week, perhaps. Maybe just 2, because I was comfortable with that in the beginning), but asked him to give me some gas money sometimes to offset the cost of the drive. He agreed to that. He said he'll be buying dinner tonight when I come over (normally we go Dutch) as well. I don't know if this is will work out long term, because I think his willingness to communicate should be just as much as my need to communicate.

 

I'm hoping my need for more communication will fade in time if I see him in person a little more often.

 

Once I save up and move out into my own place again, and if we're still together, then it will resume where we visit each other mutually.

[notalady]

I'm going to be blunt K, all this talk of being overwhelmed from moving etc sounds like bs to me. It reminds me a lot of all the excuses Z told me when he started distancing himself, a lot. I hope it's not the case here but I have a feeling that he might not actually be ready to jump into another serious relationship, regardless of what he's telling you (or even himself).

[WithLove]

Thank you for your honesty, NAL. My friend called him out, too, and I outright told him "Frankly, I think you're gaslighting me to avoid a conflict". They do sound like excuses. Time will tell how this goes, but I'm fully prepared to end it if it doesn't change.

 

Because, ultimately, I am wanting a serious relationship, and it's okay if he discovers that's not what he wants. I sort of feel like he's testing the waters and seeing if he wants to jump in or not. I'm going to monitor our relationship closely in the next few weeks, and if I feel like nothing is changing, I'm just gonna pull it.

[notalady]

Glad you have a plan K, I'm sure it will work out for you either way

[thejigsup]

If I'm not worth their time, they're not worth mine. Simple.

[WithLove]

Male friends state he doesn't want or maybe isn't ready for a serious relationship but wants me around to go out with and sleep with. They say, if you want something, you go for it. You find the time to text or call. You make time. No matter if you're overwhelmed or not.

 

Looks like I'll be having another talk with Joshua tonight.

[notalady]

I agree with your friends.

[petite]

Not trying to be harsh, but don't let him take you for a ride. When a man is interested in a woman, he craves contact. He doesn't make excuses about work and seasons starting. Making time for someone you're dating is not a problem when the person wants to make the time. A 10-15 min calls sometime during the day for someone you're 'in a relationship' with is not a big deal. These excuses make me think of the book 'he's just not that into you'. I think we have all been in similar situations.

In my humble opinion he likes seeing you when you're together, he enjoys your time together but otherwise he isn't interested in anything much more serious and complex. If he were, he would show you by texting, emailing, calling or arranging more dates. It comes down to him wanting to make contact, his actions show he doesn't.

[notalady]

My bf J had been really busy a couple of weeks ago for about two weeks or so, staying back late, working on the weekend, travelling interstate for work. Those were perfect excuses to not see someone if you didn't want to. And yet he made time to see me twice a week even throughout that time. He told me at the time that life had been a little stressful (in a good way) and seeing me was the best thing (I assume he meant relaxing/fun lol), which was exactly the same thing I would've felt if I was in his position.

 

Stress can be used as an excuse to not see someone if they don't want to see them. Or they can just be part of life and not affect the relationship at all.

[itsallgrand]

I agree with the others.

I myself have some residual issues about being available fully to commit to a relationship. Even dating more seriously has been a stretch again for me. And I make the time and effort when it's someone I am excited about. I get back to them, I make the time, I see them, I reach out regularly, I even crave the contact. When you really can see something special potentially with someone, it forces you to think and make a decision about whether or not it's worth it. To take those kinds of risks and make the effort.

All the rest is just not interested enough. I've learned that from both sides of the fence.

[WithLove]

I guess the only piece of this puzzle that isn't fitting correctly is how he was so keen to introduce me to his friends and was so insistent to call me his girlfriend. I don't understand why he'd go through the hassle if he just wanted something fun and short term.