K's Dating Journal

[WithLove]

No, he's not secretive at all. He makes it known by being physically affectionate in public, all the time. He likes it when I'm affectionate, too. Idk. I guess I'll just file it away to look at another time if it comes up again.

[notalady]

Looking at the "starving" joke alone, I must admit it did not occur to me he was referring to physique at all when I read it, like it did not even cross my mind until you said that was how you saw it. I just interpreted as he's having a play on the word "starving" by interpreting it literally, while I didn't find it funny, it wasn't offensive either.

 

But as you said, you may not have seen it that way either if you haven't already taken note of his previous various rude comments.

 

Are you usually a bit more sensitive than others when it comes to jokes and comments? I'm asking because Z's jokes and comments used to rub me the wrong way all the time, and I took note of it because I have a pretty high tolerance for offensive jokes and comments, so the fact that I was offended several times makes me think twice as to why. In my case, I think it stems from the fact that he lacks sympathy for others, and that shows through all kinds of big and small comments, some relating to me (where I got offended) and some not (but I took note because it seemed unusual to me). If this is the same case for you, then I think it's worth taking note of for sure, as it may be showing you certain things about his personality that you don't like.

 

Other than that, I don't think it's about if you are his usual type physically, at all and wouldn't be too concerned about that, more about the case above.

[notalady]

This reminds me of a meet up event I went to where a small group of us (approx. 6-8) sat along a long bench at a market for lunch. A larger girl (she was on the more overweight side but not obese) was going to sit in an empty space in between several of us after we all sat down.

 

I asked her if she had enough space (if not I was going to move a bit to the side as I sat at the far left). She joked come on I'm not that big! We all laughed but internally I paused and thought uh oh, I didn't even think about how that comment could've been taken when I said it, her physique did not even cross my mind, I was thinking literally, does she have enough space? And I hope she was not offended or think that I was insinuating anything about her weight!

 

She was all good about it and we got along really well afterwards. It's great that she has a good humour about her weight but because I didn't know her personally, it did make me a bit nervous if she was really joking or offended (joking as a defence mechanism). But above all else, it just fascinates me what people hear from others comments might be completely different to the intention, sometimes not even close. I mean clearly the issue is on her mind a lot, as I would've never even thought about a link to weight or physique if someone asked me the same question.

 

Anyway just offering a different perspective, from someone who do put her foot in her mouth unintentionally occasionally (most of the time people find it hilarious and we all laugh lol).

[WithLove]

Thank you for your input, NAL - it's really appreciated in this instance.

 

I do have a pretty good sense of humor (I think, anyway, lol) and a really high tolerance for rude and inappropriate jokes. I love them. But I do find myself pausing with concern over some things and jokes that he says. I'm not sure why. I remember when Z's comments made you uncomfortable and you didn't know why either, although later I think we all just chalked it up to another example of incompatibility. Nothing is directed at me, per se, except this last time. But because some of the things could pertain to me, it just makes me wonder if he may sometimes loop me in with what he's saying in his head and is just really good at hiding it. Truthfully, I honestly don't want to believe that, because all evidence points to the opposite - but there's that small "what if this is a red flag that I'm being aware of but ultimately ignoring?".

 

Regarding your story - I would have said exactly the same thing as the girl. Outwardly I know you didn't mean it as a fat thing, but internally it would have stuck with me and to cover up my embarrassment, I'd have made a fat joke. I think that a lot of people that are thin, or at least healthier than I am, are very unaware that when you're a bigger person, it's quite literally on your mind every moment of every day. That's the stigma we face with being obese or overweight. So much attention is brought to our size by outside sources that it's engrained in our brains. "Can I fit in that seat? Will this shirt fit me? I can wear these pants today, but only if I don't eat or drink anything at all, because then the extra bloating will cause them to not fit. Can I fit in that seat in this amusement park? Did anyone notice the sweat marks? " Things like this run through our brains for every circumstance you can think of. It's exhausting.

[mhowe]

I make fat jokes about myself all the time, but maybe I shouldn't; maybe he thinks that because I do it myself, it's okay for him to do so as well.

 

This may be it, in a nutshell.

[WithLove]

Possibly you're right, Mhowe. You usually are!

 

I'll be censoring off parts of my humor if I do that; but is it worth it to do that, or possibly get turned off by off-colored jokes by someone else?

[mhowe]

I think putting yourself down with regard to a weight issue ---- and then being overly sensitive when someone else does --- isn't exactly a fair playing field.

 

 

Also, in regard to his comment --- some people are just pedantic. My nephew, when age 5 said "I need a cookie". My brother (kid was his nephew, not son) said:

 

You WANT a cookie. You NEED air to breathe and water to drink".

 

Seriously, to a 5 year old.

[WithLove]

I think putting yourself down with regard to a weight issue ---- and then being overly sensitive when someone else does --- isn't exactly a fair playing field.

 

It's a coping mechanism. Have you ever seen Pitch Perfect? They ask the name of a big girl and she says "Fat Amy." They respond "You call yourself Fat Amy?" and Fat Amy's response is "Yeah, so twig b****s like you don't call me that behind my back".

 

I'm aware of being overweight. I think my brain tells me that if I head off any questionable comments by making fun of myself first, then it's less awkward, and less hurtful, when I face them later.

[mhowe]

I get it's a coping mechanism. And I think that perhaps it is time to discard it. Because you are doing it around someone who presumably cares for you, not mean girls in highschool.

[WithLove]

I get it's a coping mechanism. And I think that perhaps it is time to discard it. Because you are doing it around someone who presumably cares for you, not mean girls in highschool.

 

Fair answer. Thank you.

 

He knows I'm struggling with my weight. He knows I'm very much trying to go to the gym and eat better so I can become healthy. I guess it's just a matter of staying positive and hoping to lead by example. Not talking down to or about myself should be the first step.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, this is one of those instances where I think you might have been hurt for good reason. (It's always a good reason - but I mean there is some subtle truth here that you may be picking up on). When I read it, I heard it as a joke about your weight.

 

I think it's good to avoid making fat jokes about yourself in the future and to be as confident and healthy as you can in your body. At the same time, keep paying attention. We women with weight issues are going to have them for the rest of our lives. Even if you get "thin" because it takes a lot of discipline.

 

There will be some men who have body type preferences (slim/slender or heavy set) and some who actually don't care at all about your size. I prefer the latter. There is a whole less worry about how he will perceive a 10 pound weight gain.

 

Definitely be mindful of that. Don't self sabotage but keep observing. Time - in my experience - always tells you if he has a real issue or not.

[WithLove]

I saw my ex, C, on the way home from the gym tonight.

 

I was driving. He was walking down the road with an umbrella. I stopped at a light and saw him. My heart stopped. It's the first time I've seen him since we broke up.

 

Do you know how a moment passes but you think a million things in that moment? I thought of stopping. Offering him a ride. It was about to pour, after all. But I just didn't want to open a door that I want to keep firmly closed and deadbolted.

 

So I kept driving. I didn't turn around. I didn't look back. I just kept driving.

[WithLove]

Yellow flag: he's very very very independent. To the point of me wondering why I'm even around. I'll revisit this tomorrow.

[notalady]

Yellow flag: he's very very very independent. To the point of me wondering why I'm even around. I'll revisit this tomorrow.

 

Will be interested to read more about what you mean by very very very independent

[WithLove]

So, this happened:

 

As you guys know, I've been really struggling with communication. It's a weird catch-22, because when we're together, it's perfect; and when we're not, it's like I'm the only one in this relationship.

 

Last night, we were talking about the gym and eating better etc. I told him how I haven't been going as much because Jennifer hasn't gone with me, and I will be pushing myself to go more now, but that I miss having that extra motivation of having her with me. He said he wanted to as well but that he was a self-starter and doesn't depend on anyone. That statement took me by surprise and made me realize what's truly bothering me, I suppose.

 

So I flat out asked him, what do you want or need a girlfriend for? He said, for companionship, what else? I replied that I sort of feel like I'm out on the tree limb alone at this point. I'm just going to type out what was said. (the problems with texting, grr!)

 

J: I'm sorry. I need companionship. My girlfriend could help push me to achieve my goals.

Me: (I typed out a huge long paragraph of the flawed logic here, but settled for) I don't feel like I'm needed very much. I think you can achieve them yourself.

J: Where's this coming from? I like having you around.

Me: I don't know the right way to say this, but I'm really struggling with communication with you.

J: What do you mean? I'm trying to stay in contact with you.

Me: I'm sure all the dating rules say I'm not suppose to say this, but I feel like there's an imbalance of affections. I think I must like you a lot more than you like me, because you don't let on what you feel for me. You mostly just agree with what I say.

J: In those instances, I don't feel like I can say it any better than you did.

Me: I'm assuming that texting and such isn't what you prefer, because when you do it's not very much and nothing of substance, and always in reply to me. So I'm trying really hard to find a balance between giving you space.... and being a psycho girlfriend.

J: You're not being a psycho girlfriend. It's true, texting isn't my favorite thing but I'm trying because I really like you.

Me: You're moving. And work is stressful for you right now. And these are instances that I know can't be helped. So I'm trying to let it ride til it gets better. But I feel my connection with you fading. I don't want it to.

J: Unfortunately, when I'm working, long responses aren't possible. I don't want it to fade either, but it's a bit tough right now.

Me: We live pretty far apart and don't see each other much. So if this is going to work, we're going to have to find something to fill the spaces.

 

We then spoke about things we can do to lessen the distance. Meeting each other halfway, etc. We did that in the very beginning, so agreed that we can start doing that more often rather than me travelling all the way to him and him to me. I told him that in regards to work, that part is a non-issue; but that if texting really wasn't his thing then maybe he could call me occasionally. Then I told him about how him talking about independency bothered me a little, because shouldn't you "depend" on a significant other a little bit for some things? We don't "need" each other and he's very clear about not needing anyone, at all, ever. So it made me wonder, how far out on that branch am I going to be, alone? He pointed out that I'm just as independent as him, just not as vocal about it. So I summed it all up with this:

 

Me: I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to fall in love hard, and if you're not willing to fall too, then I'll be the only one hitting the ground.

J: When we're together, I need you. When we're not, I have to make do without you.

 

So from all that we talked about, I'm gathering that I'm paying the price for his mistakes with women in the past that have treated him badly about vocalizing his emotions. He told me that if I only knew how much he's letting me in, I'd feel special, because he doesn't let anyone in. And I told him, it doesn't matter who he lets in; I don't care about anyone else. Him telling me that I 'should' feel special isn't going to make it so. I need him to let me in a little bit, because it sucks feeling like I'm the only person in this relationship when we're not together.

 

After all that, he called me and we talked for about 30 min on the phone.

[WithLove]

I'm not sure where it will go from here. I feel.... immature. Childish. I feel that all my other relationships have not prepared me to be mature enough for a "real" relationship.

[faraday]

So...my thoughts on this are...you've known each other less than a month. You shouldn't "need" each other at this point. You shouldn't even really be talking daily at this point. This is the "get to know you" phase...not the "we're super serious and depending on each other because we know we'll always be together phase."

 

You need to take a HUGE step back. I would say really blunt things here if you were a random poster, but I really like you, so I won't. But you need to chill out and focus on your life. You should not be investing this heavily in something this new. You should not be depending on him for anything at this point.

 

Back up.

[WithLove]

Sigh.

 

You're right.

[Cheetarah]

He wants you, he doesn't need you. That is very, very attractive. He isn't using you to fill some gaps or voids. He CHOOSES you. There is really not much worse than feeling like you can just be anyone, it doesn't matter - That it isn't about who you are as a person but where you can patch up this or that.

 

It makes me wonder about your angle. Are you choosing him? Or do you need him(or rather - something)?

 

It seems like you're trying to compact 2 years of relationship time into a month(or less than).

[WithLove]

I do want him. I like him a lot. He's... different. Different than anyone I've ever dated before. I don't know how I can describe that.

 

He doesn't need me. And that's what's different. I'm used to being needed. Financially, physically, emotionally. Mentally. When I'm not needed, I feel empty. Like, as if there's no point of me being there. He doesn't need me in any capacity. But he wants me. And I'm struggling with that. Isn't that awful?

 

You guys are right. I need to back off. Just learn to enjoy the simplicity of being with someone that has his sh*t together and just wants me in his life.

[Cheetarah]

One part of the way he is different is that he doesn't depend on you, I gather.

 

I think that can be really daunting for you given that you have thrived off being needed in your previous relationships. And I actually really understand your thought process, it is how I used to feel in the past. I felt like something was off, not right, I equated need with love and it just plain out wasn't good(clearly!). Now you're talking to a woman who has been single for 3.5 years, so remember that - I've taken a lot of time to sort my head out and figure out why I got in the sorts of relationships that I did. I, like you, thrived off feeling needed and floundered when I wasn't. I know without a shadow of a doubt I passed up what could have been healthy relationships because I couldn't cope with it. Those things were always fleeting, and that was on me. I needed to be needed and it overwhelmed the men that were just enjoying me, enjoying my companionship - They had it together, they chose me...Yet I almost resented that. On paper, in black and white - it was awesome. I knew that. I just couldn't catch up to enjoying that awesomeness for what it was.

 

It's not a thought process you're going to change over night, so you're probably going to have these little things crop up from time to time, whether it be with him or with someone else. Sadly for me, it was so uncomfortable back when I just said screw this and bounced. It gave me a lot of anxiety. It wasn't enough either for someone to tell me what I SHOULD be doing, or how I SHOULD be feeling because I didn't feel that way and didn't know how to(even though I knew it was right). So you can say we're right, and on a logical level you know it's right - But that isn't going to halt the anxious feelings you get.

 

So what can you do with them? Everyone likes to feel needed. I suggest you find another outlet where you can 'give', and you know it's cliche but I'm going to throw volunteering at you, if you don't do it - Do it. Find other ways to fill that gap within you. This is not only good for you for personal growth but it's going to do wonders for your interpersonal relationships, too.

 

It's not his baggage. It's yours. He may have some, who doesn't - But this issue is about you, your feelings and your anxiety.

[WithLove]

It really is me. I know this. I wasn't even trying to hide from that fact. Thank you for that post, Cheet - it really hit home for me.

 

All of you are right. I do acknowledge that I need to back off. And I need to find other things to occupy my mind space.

 

I haven't been really concentrated on going to the gym like I was. So that is definitely something I'll be improving on. I also need to get organized still from moving back in with my father. I have a lot of boxes that I need to put into storage. That'll also keep me busy for a little bit.

[Cheetarah]

Definitely get back in the gym. Before I went to the gym, I worked out at home at least if I wasn't able to make it. It does a lot for your mental well-being. I will be so tired when I get there, and I just push it - Then when I leave, I'm all like "Yeah...that was a good workout.."

 

I'm a lone wolf exerciser, by the way. My motivation is decent sleep at night - Find yours, once you do you won't need your friend with you to keep you on track.

 

One of the biggest mistakes I made in previous relationships was centering my life around them. I always felt like I was starting from scratch afterwards. You want to have things you have before them, during them and after them. Something that's just yours, just for you.

[WithLove]

That's exactly what I do. I make sure I'm available and able to meet with someone. I will cancel plans with others if it means being able to see xxx. I would bring them lunch. Meet them for lunch. Drop by to say hello. I went so out of my way to make them feel good. Feel wanted. But it's the opposite. I did it so I could feel wanted and needed.

 

I thought I was doing so much better. But in the last day, I'm seeing how much my anxiety and depression really has affected me and my self esteem and worth. I'm not as good as I thought. I'm going to have to work on this.

[notalady]

How often do you see each other?