K's Dating Journal

[faraday]

Jay and I didn't talk daily until 3-4 months in....and we saw each other weekly until that point. You guys are doing good. Breathe. You don't want one of the...living together after two month things....especially because he needs to move out his ex gfs house still and get his stuff together....and see how he's doing after that. let's hope he's not rebounding. Try to fill your time with hobbies

[WithLove]

I type that out and then get a simple "How's work?", which makes me feel good. Just a simple thing like that lets me know I crossed his mind. It's good. You're right, Faraday.

[LoveSoDeep]

I type that out and then get a simple "How's work?", which makes me feel good. Just a simple thing like that lets me know I crossed his mind. It's good. You're right, Faraday.

 

You know if it makes you uneasy and you haven't said anything....how is he to know? He's not a mind reader.

 

I get that early on you don't want to bring these things up and sound needy and actually in the honeymoon phase it's often not a problem but if you want to hear more from him, you need to let him know. The best way to do that without making a big deal out of it is to praise him when he does do it. Tell him how much you like it and that is makes your day and you smile from ear to ear when you get a random text that lets you know he's thinking about you. If he lives to see you happy maybe he'll take note and text you more often. It's worth a shot - a little praise can't hurt, right?

[WithLove]

Ugh. Feelings. Feelings! They need to simmer down a bit.

[notalady]

What kind of feelings, K?

[faraday]

Temper feelings with: he lives with his ex gf.

[WithLove]

Yes he does; but he's in the process of moving. He said he'd be moving and he is. So I can't really fault him on this subject more than I have already mentioned.

[Fudgie]

He's moving out in Sept, right? Into a place with a friend? It's a sticky situation but it will be over with soon!

[faraday]

I'm not saying "fault" him more. I'm saying....keep yourself in check. You are jumping in very fast with a guy that lives with his ex. You don't know if he's still hung up on her. Or if he's really moving out. Or if they've really broken up. You met him two weeks ago. Two weeks. And I know you think I'm being tough on you- but you said these things below two weeks ago.:

 

 

Second date with J. It was really good. I feel closer to him this date than I did the first one. We talked a lot, went bowling, then played pool after. We kissed the whole evening. he's a good kisser!

 

I do feel good about J. I'm going to keep seeing him. But I'm keeping my emotions under the surface. I'm allowing myself to enjoy his kisses, but not fully immersing myself. I don't want to be intimate with him until he is on his own. I think I'll have built up enough of a connection that it'll be mutually satisfying if or when it happens. Hopefully.

 

I had a dream about my ex C last night. I woke up just... aching for him. Aching for the love that used to be there. It hurt.

 

I talked to Jennifer about it. She said, you can still love a person while knowing that they aren't right for you. You shouldn't have to give up so much of yourself just to feel like there's a chance that it'll work out. For people like us that fall so deeply in love with someone that just cannot make improvements to benefit each other as a couple - you can still love them while knowing they are not the person you're supposed to be with. And she's right. In the end, I couldn't trust C. There was so much going on that I just could not allow myself to be open with him. I believe I will always love him. And there still is an ache for him. But it's not every day. It's not even every week. I get excited to be around other people, about meeting new guys and knowing that there's someone out there that will love me just as much, if not more. Someone I can immerse myself in and love deeply, someone that's good for me and to me.

 

I just wish I could let dreams go as easily as I want to. Hopefully this feeling of sadness won't persist for the whole day. It would be kind of awkward to go on a date with feelings of longing for an ex.

 

And to me, it seems like you might be transferring feelings onto this new guy....who you need to get to know better. Talk is cheap. See if he does the things he's supposed to do, before you invest further.

 

I'm not saying this to be mean.

 

In Fudgie s journal a week ago, you said you would think about something I said to her...and I said I wasn't posting here because I knew I was going to say things you didn't like....and I know you're not liking what I'm saying. I'm sure that it feels that I'm picking on you....and I'm honestly not saying these things to be mean. I like you, a lot. I see a lot of myself in you. Which is why I'm protective of you...and want you to protect yourself too. Please protect yourself.

[WithLove]

You're right. I know you're right. It's not mean, it's honest.

 

I hear what you're saying. And it's a problem. I fall too quickly for people. C has always been the guy I felt the most strongly for. I honestly am not hung up on him, but I am hung up on my anger over what he did to me in the end. It's just this burning ball of rage and embarrassment. Rage that someone I had cared so deeply for would put me through the ringer like that... and embarrassment because I knew it and allowed it. There aren't any feelings of love or affection left. Just negative feelings. I don't know if that's a sign of not being over someone. Do you ever truly fall out of love with someone you once loved.? I don't know. The things I do know: C was completely wrong for me in the long term sense. He was manipulative and used my strong feelings against me. He took me for granted. And there's no chance in hell of me ever wanting him back. Do I miss the good feelings I used to have? Sure I do. But it'll never happen. Never. Just a giant NO.

 

I really like J. I do. Sometimes you meet someone and after a date or two, you just find yourself moving into that zone of "I really like this guy". I don't have any feelings of love. Just intense infatuation. I like hanging out with him. I like laughing with him. I like having sex with him. He's just someone I want to be around all the time. And I'm wrestling with that. I could see myself falling for him. But I'm not. Not yet. It may seem like I am. And I do really like him. But I can't love him yet. He still lives with an ex. We've only known each other 2 weeks. I won't be that girl. I make myself not text him like I want to. I want to tell him "I want to be around you all the time", but I don't. Part of it is because it'll scare him away. Too much too soon. And the other part is that the intensity of my feelings makes me uncomfortable. Because I know, in my head, that it's too much. Much too much.

 

That's why I believe what you said, Faraday, when you said just pay more attention to your hobbies and interests. Of the friends I've mentioned this to, they've told me, you have to say something. If it bothers you, how will he know unless you tell him? But to me, it's my own silliness and clinginess. My own insecurities. So, I ignore them. Very rarely I allow a "I'm thinking about you". Mostly never. But otherwise, I've backed up on texting. I respond if he does. Otherwise, I let him be. And try to focus on anything else.

[WithLove]

In regards to dreams: I regularly dream about people that have impacted my life. If I paid attention to all of them, I would never sleep again.

[faraday]

I'm glad you understood what I was saying. It says a lot about you (in a good way) that you're able to hear criticism, apply it to yourself, not take it personally, and respond without being offended. You're tough.

 

I'm glad you see it too, and I'm glad you're conscious of it. That makes me feel so much relief- I've been a nervous ball of energy every time I read your journal- I like you and I want your heart to be okay.

 

I hope J ends up working out and becoming the best thing that ever happened to you. I have my fingers crossed for you. I'm on your side and I'm glad you know that

[WithLove]

It's odd, because I'm terrible at taking criticism. It makes me feel like I'm a complete failure and a disappointment. Blah! But I recognize when it's coming from someone that sincerely means well and just wants to bring things to my attention. And I thank you for that. I self-talk a lot about my feelings and what they mean. And I recognize that what I'm feeling is just an extreme liking for someone I've barely begun to know. All I know about him is what he's telling me, and only time with tell if it's the truth. Meanwhile, all I can do is go with the actions of what he's done; and so far, everything seems great. He's moving in with his best friend, who I'm friendly with now. I've been to the house he's moving into. They both are looking forward to me spending time there with J when he moves in. (His best friend has told me as an aside that I make J really happy and he's glad I've come into J's life. And wants me to stick around for J.)

[Ms Darcy]

Faraday has some excellent points. It's all super fast and red flaggy. Observe yourself and be self aware. Take care of yourself.

[WithLove]

Feeling sort of cross. Have heard from J exactly one time today. He has the day off and I know he's out with his friend today. So I'm trying to be less irritable over not hearing from him. I need to remember that people have different priorities and I'll see him today anyway.

[Ms Darcy]

How many times do you expect to hear from him in a day?

[missmarple]

Feeling sort of cross. Have heard from J exactly one time today. He has the day off and I know he's out with his friend today. So I'm trying to be less irritable over not hearing from him. I need to remember that people have different priorities and I'll see him today anyway.

 

If you already had a date for the evening, why should he call/text you during the day? I mean to say what? Unless he knew you were sick or something. I don't understand.

[WithLove]

I think it was just a bad day for me. I don't expect to hear from him all the time or even a lot. It would be nice to get small "hey, thinking of you" text occasionally - but I'm well aware that that's just my own insecurities talking. "I must hear from him to know that he's thinking of me!"

 

Chalking it up to a bad personal day and moving on.

[faraday]

We all have them. Today is a new day

[WithLove]

Something else happened on our last evening together. I have no idea what to do about it.

 

We were window shopping and I had traveled to him right after work; so by this point, it had been about 9 hours since I had eaten last. I said "Man, I'm starving!" and his reply was to look at me and say "Obviously, you're not starving. The children of Africa are starving; but you are not."

 

I went dead silent and walked away. His comment hurt. I immediately took it as a shot to my physique. He followed me and knew he had made a blunder, since I had walked away, but he did not apologize. It wasn't until the next day that I told him that his offhand comment hurt me. He told me that he didn't intend it as a hurtful comment; and I asked what did he intend it as, because I couldn't figure it out. His explanation was that it was a funny thing to say because he thinks it's humorous when people say they are starving after having not eaten for just a few hours. He said he tried to be funny but obviously it backfired. I countered with that in theory, I could see what he may find funny about it, but I hadn't eaten in 9 hours and with a family history of diabetes, I get scary shaky and clammy when my blood sugar drops. I also explained that no woman wants to hear anything regarding her physique other than "you look great". It's different if she makes a comment herself regarding her weight or whatever, but for someone to point it out to her just goes against common sense.

 

In the end, he said he understood that he made a hurtful error and apologized and promised to try and be more considerate in the future.

 

I accepted his apology and is hasn't been mentioned again.

 

I'm noting this down as a potential red flag in the future. this is not the first time he has "joked" about body image things. It's like.... he says things sometimes that almost come accross as rude, but follows up with a quick "not that there's anything wrong with you; I like how you look" or similar. Sometimes I feel like I'm not his type physically at all, but I happen to have a lot of characteristics that he likes and so he's trying me out. I don't know. It's just a weird hunch/feeling. Otherwise, I don't think the comment he made on Tuesday to me would have been such a big deal. But it was because I've made mental notes of comments like that before.

 

Just putting this here to refer to again if needed.

[Fudgie]

What makes you think that you're not his type physically?

 

I don't think "fat" jokes are necessarily bad within themselves (I make a lot of them) but they are only okay if both parties are genuinely okay with such jokes and are secure in how they feel about each other.

 

I'm really curious as to why you have a hunch that he's "trying you out" but you aren't really his type. Do you know what kinds of girls he's dated before?

[WithLove]

I only know that his ex is smaller and taller than I am. She looks exotic - dark hair and skin. She's the complete opposite of me.

 

Regarding my suspicions - I'm not sure. There's just some things he says that make me pause and go "hmm". There have been a handful of instances where we're out with his best friend, and he'll say something about a bigger woman or something and his friend will go "watch it man, you're about to put your foot in your mouth". Not even because I'm a bigger woman, but because some of the things he says are just rude and not necessary. I make fat jokes about myself all the time, but maybe I shouldn't; maybe he thinks that because I do it myself, it's okay for him to do so as well. I just feel like most of the time, what he's saying applies to me as well, so it's like... if this is how you feel, then why are you with me in the first place?

 

I don't feel like that a lot. Just occasionally. He's very sensual. He loves holding my hand and kissing me in public. He loves touching me. It's just.... his words contradict his actions. And his actions are always better than his words. Does that makes sense? I don't know.

[Fudgie]

I wonder about his other exes. Were they all like that? It's hard to judge on one. Heck, even with me, I look back on my exes and I see a spectrum of body types. Largest guy I've dated was my ex B and he was at or close to 400 lb and the smallest was my ex N who was taller than me and he was under 120 when we got together, he was medically underweight. So it's really hard to judge by just one ex.

 

What sort of things does he say about fat women?

 

I am guilty of making fat jokes but I don't mind K partaking (and he does). He is obese but he knows I like his body so we poke fun at each other and there are no hurt feelings.

[WithLove]

I don't have any idea what his preferences are. I mean, my previous relationships were with different types of guys too, so we can't really go by that, can we? I'm not going to ask him the names of all his exes and go rooting through social media to see what they looked like. If I can't trust him when he says "hey, I dig you" then what's the point of being in a relationship with him?

 

I guess I'm just listing these things as something to look at for future reference.

[Fudgie]

You're right, it would be silly to ask about other exes just to look them up or glean info. I wasn't sure if it came up in natural conversation or not. I like to know about exes and past experiences so that's something I like to talk about early since I don't get retroactive jealousy.

 

I guess you just need to trust that he likes you as you are and go with that. The fact that he's openly affectionate in public is a good thing. There are guys who will be with a bigger girl but don't want others to know about/are embarrassed. He wouldn't be affectionate with you in public if that were the case.