Fudgie Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Oh, wow. Sucks indeed. I regularly check the sex offender registry, while it doesn't make me feel completely safe, I do at least know what they look like and what their charge is. When they register, they have to take a new picture. So their photos are current. Thought I was the only one who did this! I really hate child molesters but in terms of safety just for me, I know I'm a little old for their tastes so even though I'd rather not live near them, I know I myself am safe. But rapists? Especially violent ones? Oh no no no no no no no. I want to know where they live and what their ugly mugs look like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 They have a sex offenders app. Not sure how reliable or accurate it is, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 The US has really good online databases to find out criminal records, public records, bankruptcy, civil suits, etc. In Canada, it's really difficult to do these checks anyway. We have tighter disclosure laws Criminal record checks often require fingerprints or at least the person's signed consent and ID. I know of one database in BC that does BC traffic violation checks for a fee, that's how I found out about my ex BF's DUI when he was living there. You can do an online bankruptcy search for a fee (though I think it's only for Ontario). You can also find nation-wide civil lawsuits, but you'll only find suits that are settled and done, nothing in progress unlike the US. We also don't have a public database that shows where the rapists live, like in the US, which sucks TBH Yeah, I did try to check out people when I first started online dating...but couldn't. Idk, I get really strong creep vibes off people...people that others think are fine...and then stuff comes out about them later. So maybe I am just a good read. I'm getting better at listening to it. I think that's the hardest part. I don't want to be an a$$ and decide I don't like someone right away...but I usually regret it when I ignore it. And not even like they're bad people or anything, just that...they aren't the people I should be friends with. Like 2 1/2 year guy gave me so many red flags, but I liked him, so I ignored it. That chick that lived with me earlier in the year...I got bad vibes from her....but I ignored them because she seemed nice. Hopefully I get better at listening. I just always think I'm being paranoid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Sorry to hear the horrible stories, WL and Cheetarah! I must say I never even thought about getting police background checks on a guy before dating him, maybe I've just been lucky I've never experienced or seen in people around me anything criminally bad? I think Australia is the same as Canada, you can't just get police background checks without their consent (no need for finger prints though). That being said, you always have to sign the background check consent form when you start a new job and work does police checks on you, I don't know if that's the case for all jobs but it's pretty much standard for all white collar and government jobs. So I often took comfort in the fact that the guys I went on dates with had good jobs that would require background checks and they would've had to come up clean to be where they are. I'm the same as faraday, I pick up on a vibe that some people are a little bit off or something isn't quite right very early on. I used to ignore it (with Z and some of my other ex's and dates), but I've been listening to my instincts much more strictly since Z (e.g. cutting off Connor after 3 dates even though I did like him and could've ignored the red flags) and trusting my instincts are 99% of the time correct has given me a lot of comfort. It is true that some of the historically famous serial killers are ridiculously charming, but I bet they gave out a weird vibe too. I'm always wary of people who are too charming or smooth, it makes me suspicious. Similarly, if a guy is too socially awkward or weird, that'd set off an uneasy feeling as well. Being able to do background checks cheaply would've been handy, but a lot of it simply comes down to exercising a high level of caution and scrutiny when meeting people. The one rule of thumb I apply now is, is this person's behaviour or what he's saying normal? If it seems slightly odd or unusual, I'll take note rather than trying to explain it away with possible excuses and logic that might make it seem normal. (Eg he's just in a bad place right now, he grew up in a bad family, he's on meds, he's just really busy right now). I wouldn't say never but I won't be giving people the benefit of the doubt easily anymore, as that often means I'm going against my instincts when it tells me something isn't quite right, and that has never worked out well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Thanks, guys, for the good thoughts. That part of my life isn't something I like to revisit. It was terrible and I can only imagine how my friend must have felt. I feel guilt for not having figured it out sooner. Hindsight is 20/20 or whatever that saying is, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 I just had the roughest moment so far at work. A patient came in to pick up some images for her husband. She starts hysterically crying because they just found out he has cancer. Meanwhile, they were here on vacation from another state to bury their son, who died due to malpractice. I'm just standing there saying "I'm so sorry" over and over. She just kept sobbing, telling me to pray for her husband, and repeating "I don't think I want to live anymore because soon I'll be burying my husband, too." I can't wait to go home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 God, that's heartbreaking. So sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 I don't think I've ever been on the entire receiving end of utter heartbreak and hopelessness like that. It about broke my own heart. I took a break after it so I could compose myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 There are many depths of pain that others feel that I just don't understand, because I'm not them and I'm not stuck in their situations. It makes you feel hopeless because you don't know what to say, you want to comfort them but you don't know how. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Wow. Feel so bad for that woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 Last day before my lease ends. I took the day off of work to get as much done as I can. Right now I took a break and am treating myself to some lunch. Including a small serving of flan. Yummmmm! Forgot how much I loved this stuff. Date set with J for Sunday. We're going to a local pub that has good lunch specials and an interactive trivia game. I think it'll be fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Change is good- it's the start of a new life. I've got my fingers crossed for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 I'm so exhausted from all the moving and cleaning yesterday. All I wanted when I got into work today was a soda for the caffeine. I know it's not healthy but I truly needed it. And then the machine took my change and I could quite literally cry over it. Not a good start to the day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I drink pop everyday. Its fine I'm sorry that today isn't working for you yet. I hope things start clicking into place Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Well, I went to try again and this time it kicked out the one from previously and the one I just asked for. So I got two. Almost wanted to cry again, but this time from sheer happiness It's been a weird work day. Lots of "favors" and personal business that I had to take care of for physicians. I feel like a personal assistant today! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 What do you typically do? Are you office in a hospital? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Oh no. I'm in the administration building of a radiology center. I don't see patients unless they come in to pick up a cd. Which isn't very often. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Ah I see Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted August 1, 2015 Author Share Posted August 1, 2015 Playing some Just Dance with Jennifer. It's probably the most fun I've had in months. Such a great time. I recommend it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 Date with J yesterday. We met for breakfast. Afterwards, we walked along the fleamarket. Low-key and gave plenty of time for talking. He's very nice. I can already pin him as a man that completely invests himself in a relationship. He seems to be very careful in taking care of his partner. I don't think I would ever have to worry about him running around on me. He doesn't date around; he believes in seeing one person at a time so he can concentrate fully on them. We discussed prior relationships a little. He's been out of his last one for 4 months. According to him, he knew they were becoming distant, but she wouldn't talk to him about it. Kept insisting nothing was wrong. He got tired of the one-sided communication and checked himself out of the relationship; shortly afterwards, he found out she had been seeing someone else. I told him about my concerns with him still living with her, having gone through all that crap with C. He says he understands my concerns and feels I have good reason to be wary of it; but just asked me to trust him. They cohabit the same apartment, but have completely different living spaces. He says it's looking like he's getting a place with a friend sometime in October. I do like him; but I'm not sure. The physical attraction wasn't very strong at first. He's not bad looking; I just know that I wasn't immediately drawn to him. My "friendly" feelings did change after he kissed me good-bye. He's a good kisser. We hugged, and when we parted, he pulled me closer and kissed me softly, hand on the back of my neck. It was more than an average "good-bye kiss". It was very nice. I can already tell that he likes me a whole lot more than I like him. He told me multiple times that I'm beautiful and that he can't believe he lucked out in meeting me. He said he was in awe of me. (Yes, he really did use those words.) It was a great ego boost, but a little too much too soon for me. So, I'm trying to slow him down a little. We have a date for Friday night - dinner and bowling. I know he really wants to come over and "watch" a movie, but I learned my lesson last time. So I'm not going to invite him over for awhile yet. I did feel a small spark when we kissed. Not an overwhelming forest fire, but I'm interested in seeing what happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 I realized last night that I only go for men I'm sure I can get. I don't try to talk with guys I perceive to be more attractive than me, because I'm so sure of their rejection. How do I get out of that mindset? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 By talking to those guys? What's the worst that could happen, they say no thanks. Same result as you expected anyway. Or, you get surprised with a yes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 It's important to keep in mind that "attractive" is relative, and that there are more things that make people attractive than looks. There was always that one guy that was way more attractive than everyone else in my inbox...but he was always a bartender or night club manager or oil rigger. No thanks. From what I understand, women are rated "attractive" by a few different things...face, body, and also kindness level, playfulness level (is she fun to be around?) and what she's got going on in her life...like hobbies: having a strong sense of self...kind of thing. And sex. Does she make him feel desired? From what I understand, men are rated "attractive" by a few different things as well...face, body, career (ability to "provide"- it goes back to cavemen days: would he be able to take care of me when I'm pregnant and a lion is running at us?), and general disposition (fun to be around), from all the threads started on here, apparently "height" haha (which I don't subscribe to), and I think I remember reading one about a mans ability to move around socially. His connections. Because not getting kicked out of the cave because everyone hates your man is important. Anyway....I haven't had coffee or drugs yet, so sorry about the lack of coherency... But, my point! There's way more that plays into attractiveness than just a pretty face try to look at someone as a whole picture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Also, I dated "safe" options when I was younger....and initially it's good, but just like all things new, eventually things settled into a normal and whatever happened happened. The most unattractive man I ever dated (overall- he wasn't good looking and he didn't have his s--t together) cheated on me. He was tired of me nagging him to get his s--t together. He is now common law with a lady, he has 4 kids with 3 different women- two of them have completely written him off (like he's not legally the dad anymore), he only works part time and his house is falling apart. Now that I'm older, and know what I want from my life...I date guys like me, that want the same things. I actually think jay is a way better catch than me, and I have no idea why he's with me....but he feels the same...so we're even So find someone who your proud to be with. And who is proud to be with you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 It's funny you said that, Faraday, because yesterday, he was very much keen on holding hands. When we walked around the flea market, he made it a point to hold my hand, or guide me with a hand on the small of my back, etc. He told me that he can't believe how beautiful I am and that he likes to show the world how proud he is of the woman he's with. I just think it's funny because I've said before that I would to have a man say and show exactly that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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