K's Dating Journal

[Fudgie]

Smart gal you are.

[WithLove]

I don't think I'm being smart in this particular situation. But I like him just enough to risk being foolish.

[reinventmyself]

Well that's honest! Lol

I guess the beauty here is in this immediate moment you don't need to decide anything.

[Ms Darcy]

J just dropped a bomb on me. He's living with an ex ...

 

And in my dating days, I would have called it a day.

 

Men are everywhere ladies. Lol. There are others.

[WithLove]

I was on my phone last night and Tapatalk is annoying, so I'll further explain what happened now.

 

He and his ex live in the same house (apartment? not sure) but in separate rooms. I guess they don't have much contact. He wants to find his own place, but the area he lives in is very popular. Like, it's known as a retirement and vacation city in Florida. So, it's very expensive. I did a quick search myself last night; I would not be able to move there, at all. I used two different rental search engines, and there wasn't even a studio available, for any price. A one bedroom goes for around $1k. I don't know how much he makes, and it's none of my business anyway - but based on how much I make, I couldn't do it. Another issue is that at least a third of any apartment complexes, maybe more, are retirement communities, so they enforce a strict 55+ age limit. In addition to all those things, he has 2 cats and a snake. Which further narrows down the search results to basically nothing (in that city).

 

He explained that the opportunity for promotion was for a store closer to my area (he's about 30 miles south of me), but they needed to fill the position quickly and he just couldn't find a place in the time given.

 

He's looking for a place in between my city and his, and he has a friend that has agreed to share a place with him, but this friend is on a lease somewhere else until October. So, from what I gather, J is trying to stick it out until then, because like anyone else, he's loathe to move somewhere (anywhere) for only 3 months and then move again.

 

I told him that I was surprised and upset that he'd put himself out there knowing his living situation. He agreed and said, basically, that he had hoped to fix it before he met or got involved with anyone. I told him, OLD is mostly about instant gratification; the chances of meeting and/or connecting with someone is much higher than with anything else. I said that I wanted to believe him, but everything in me is saying that this is a mistake. He said that he knows he should have told me, but that he was "really enamored of me and didn't want to ruin it before it started". He said that he doesn't cheat, he doesn't break the law, and doesn't lie; he said that he promised I wouldn't regret giving him a chance. I told him not to make promises to someone he doesn't really know, and he said, fair enough.

 

In the end, I'm going to keep talking to him. I have my guard up and he knows it. It feels really weird to be giving someone a chance over something of this magnitude; but, I thought, no one is dealt a perfect hand in life. No one has a perfect set of circumstances. I don't know him and I don't know everything that happened to make him be in what situation he is in today; but I do believe in giving someone a chance to prove themselves, because I've been given chances, too. So, even if it's foolish on my part, I'm going to give him a shot. If it doesn't work out, I'll never wonder what would have happened. If anything, I'll have gained more knowledge and another red flag to look for and absolutely pass up on someone for.

 

That all being said, he is off today and told me he is going to look at an apartment in another surrounding city with that friend today. So, at least he's trying?

[WithLove]

One thing that stuck out for me in his favor through all of that - he didn't get heated, he didn't become defensive, he didn't try to justify what happened. His reasons were valid and concise; he apologized for not telling me sooner, but he didn't apologize for being in that situation. Even though it's definitely not ideal, I just felt that he knows it's not what he wants, and was very calm, cool and collected in explaining what he's doing to correct it. He didn't try to hide any details that he felt I may not like to hear (after having told me about living with his ex, I mean).

[Fudgie]

The choice whether or not to heed red flags is up to you. Outside of some that are patently obvious (IMO) like previous violent criminal convictions, previous sex crimes, etc, there is a lot of leeway. Yes, everyone makes mistakes and everyone has different boundaries and ideas of what is okay. As long as you are aware of the red flags and are going in with your eyes open and not taking risks (for example, getting a lease or lending money to someone who has major personal debt who you don't know that well yet), I think no matter what, you'll be okay.

[WithLove]

I had my mother search him yesterday for me. He's got a clean record - not even a traffic violation.

[notalady]

he didn't get heated, he didn't become defensive, he didn't try to justify what happened. His reasons were valid and concise; he apologized for not telling me sooner, but he didn't apologize for being in that situation. Even though it's definitely not ideal, I just felt that he knows it's not what he wants, and was very calm, cool and collected in explaining what he's doing to correct it. He didn't try to hide any details that he felt I may not like to hear (after having told me about living with his ex, I mean).

 

Be careful with that too, Z was like that with things that I thought were red flags and ultimately having a good approach to dealing with people bringing up a red flag doesn't make the red flag itself any less valid.

 

But J is not Z and we all have to learn from our own experience, we learn it better that way. I hope he's genuine but if not, as you said at least you would've learned from it.

[Fudgie]

I had my mother search him yesterday for me. He's got a clean record - not even a traffic violation.

 

That's good. I don't know anyone in law enforcement so I know of a lesser-known reputable services that will do check for arrests AND convictions for about $8-$9. I won't always background check everyone prior to meeting (other than a quick Google search) but if I plan to date them for a while, they will get a background check. I got one on K and I knew his exact birthday (he told me, it's very close to mine in terms of day) and his hometown. It's performed by a human, not a computer, and he came up clean so I was happy.

 

Always, always, always, always, ALWAYS background check.

[WithLove]

I'm fortunate enough to have a family member that is employed somewhere that allows her to check these things.

[Fudgie]

Fields that are awesome to have family in: law enforcement (background checks), healthcare (special care/oversight), auto repair (discount rates, free checks), and commercial airfare (discounted/free flights!)

[Cheetarah]

I've got to agree with the background check thing.

 

This story still gives me the creeps. Years ago, I think about 13 years ago, I was dating a guy. We were driving and he got pulled over for a rolling stop at a stop sign. The next thing you know, they're asking him to get in the squad car while they run some things. I just sat there for 10 minutes before the cop comes back and says, "how well do you know your boyfriend?" I said, "I'm starting to think not very well, what is going on?" And he tells me he has an outstanding warrant in another state for aggravated sexual assault.

 

It turns out, that it was a case of mistaken identity and such a warrant did not exist. It took about 20 more minutes of him with them and me doing a freak out dance in the car wondering how I am getting home. They apologized profusely, but something didn't sit right with me. I told him we're going to my house and I'm running a background check. I had some friends and fam come over and I said if there's anything you need to tell me, tell me now. I ran one of those 75 dollar ones. He did have a charge from when he was 19 for rape in the 3rd degree(stat rape) with a 15 year old girl. And then I found about 30 unpaid tickets and check forgery. Needless to say, that was the end of that. He didn't have any warrants or anything, he wasn't on any kind of probation. But if not for that mistaken identity thing with the cops I wouldn't have known.

 

Ugh Ugh it all still creeps me out. I am all about googling and background checks ever since then.

[WithLove]

Wow, I cannot even imagine going through that. I've never had that problem with any of the guys I've dated. But then again, I can't see things from other states.

 

Yikes. When I ask for their last name, though, I'm sure they know what I'm doing.

[faraday]

I've never background checked anyone. I don't get that....can't you just tell from spending time with someone what they're like? I mean...people feel slimy or rough or off when they've done things. I know within 10 minutes of someone is safe to be around.

[WithLove]

Not sure, Faraday - maybe my intuition isn't as tuned as yours? Idk. I just feel safer knowing if they've had a criminal past going into it.

 

I think, though, I wouldn't ask the person if they did have a record. I'd wait to see if they would tell me about it. "I've had trouble in the past, but this is how I'm becoming a better person." Unless, of course, it was a rape allegation. I think a domestic violence charge would be a deal breaker, too.

[reinventmyself]

Please keep in mind that relationship endings are a process. They end in several phases.

Though they may be distant they are still a unit in some way, living under the same roof. (hmmm, that describes a lot of marriages)

The actual physical move will likely be just another phase in the ending of this relationship and be prepared for it to flush up some other unresolved things for them.

Take this into consideration before you consider him `available'

[Fudgie]

Me too. Im a pretty good judge of character but I always feel better going into it if I know what easier criminal past is. It's a fact thing for me.

[WithLove]

I lied. I know exactly why I do them.

 

When I was a kid, my best friend growing up lived about 3 houses down from me. Her parents worked nights and had her and her younger brother stay with their neighbor, a man in his 50ss. He was very kind, always made them meals and snacks, let them swim in his pool. I'd always be over there for the pool, and he treated me kindly as well.

 

As we started getting older, though (ages 11-12 I think), he started being weird. Or, more to the point, my friend got weird. She'd beg me to come over all the time. She'd ask me to sleep over too (they slept over because like I said, her parents worked nights). I never did except once (why would I? I lived down the street. Just went home for the night.) I remember that he had a garage-converted rec room and that's where she and her brother slept. And he'd always tell them, when they got into their pajamas, to "dress light" because "the house gets really hot in the summer".

 

I'm sure you can guess where this is going. Our senior year of high school, she finally told her parents about him. He'd been molesting her for years; she always wanted me over because he left her alone if I was there. The reason she talked about him was because another young girl had come forward. We had to go to court and face him that year, together; I was involved because I was there all the time, and come to find out, he had hidden cameras in his home as well. It makes me so sick to think about how often I changed, went to the bathroom, etc. It was a nightmare.

 

For that reason, I do background checks.

[faraday]

That is really horrible...but I'm guessing that guy probably didn't have a record. A lot of the truly horrible stuff doesn't come out until much later...which is why it's important to watch for red flags, inconsistencies and things that don't make sense.... and drop people when things don't feel right.

[Fudgie]

Actually, I can give a very good reason why I do background checks.

 

I was supposed to meet on a coffee date years and years ago with a guy I met locally on a dating site. I did not do a background check as it was just a meet up but I did Google. Oh boy. Turns out, he assaulted a woman.

 

The dum dum made his Facebook partially public so I got to find out years ago the he assaulted a girl because she rejected him for something (not sure if it was a gf or not) and he was arrested.

 

I texted him to cancel the coffee date with a lame excuse and then promptly blocked him on everything.

 

Yikes!!

[WithLove]

I'm not sure if he did have a record or not. All I know is that he does now. They didn't find enough evidence to convict him of rape on the young girl, and the statute of limitations had passed for anything on my friend to be relevant. He did get molestation charges, though. But his wife (!) made his bail after awhile and he's out now. He had started visiting my friend's older sister at her job; she had to get a restraining order against him. I don't understand what goes through the minds of people that have such unbalanced brains. I have one, too; but definitely not the same.

[Cheetarah]

No, I don't think you can necessarily always feel the slime oozing off someone. I mean, charismatic serial rapists and killers. That ex of mine I did the background check, I thought he was just socially awkward. I had no idea he had any sort of criminal past and was a total financial deadbeat. How do you think people get away with what they do? People in marriages for X amount of years and then one day someone decapitates their spouse. Or some other crazy thing.

 

Knowledge is as large a part of safety for me as is a finely tuned radar to weed out things that don't sit right or make the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

 

WithLove, that is a horrible story. So sorry for what you both had to go through.

[happpybear]

I've never background checked anyone. I don't get that....can't you just tell from spending time with someone what they're like? I mean...people feel slimy or rough or off when they've done things. I know within 10 minutes of someone is safe to be around.

 

 

The US has really good online databases to find out criminal records, public records, bankruptcy, civil suits, etc.

 

 

In Canada, it's really difficult to do these checks anyway. We have tighter disclosure laws

 

Criminal record checks often require fingerprints or at least the person's signed consent and ID. I know of one database in BC that does BC traffic violation checks for a fee, that's how I found out about my ex BF's DUI when he was living there.

 

You can do an online bankruptcy search for a fee (though I think it's only for Ontario). You can also find nation-wide civil lawsuits, but you'll only find suits that are settled and done, nothing in progress unlike the US. We also don't have a public database that shows where the rapists live, like in the US, which sucks TBH

[Cheetarah]

We also don't have a public database that shows where the rapists live, like in the US, which sucks TBH

 

Oh, wow. Sucks indeed. I regularly check the sex offender registry, while it doesn't make me feel completely safe, I do at least know what they look like and what their charge is. When they register, they have to take a new picture. So their photos are current.