WithLove Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 I just found out his last name - and it's the exact same as mine, except I have one letter added at the end. How strange! And mine isn't common. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 Be careful about over investing before meeting...it can make filtering a lot harder...as well as over inflate expectations. Just be careful. Glad you have a potential though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 Be careful about over investing before meeting...it can make filtering a lot harder...as well as over inflate expectations. Just be careful. Glad you have a potential though. I hear you, Faraday. Even though I do like this guy so far, I feel myself holding back normal responses, or maybe not elaborating as I normally would. Saving some things for meeting in person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 I hear you, Faraday. Even though I do like this guy so far, I feel myself holding back normal responses, or maybe not elaborating as I normally would. Saving some things for meeting in person. Good. Try to keep feelings about this stranger in check...I like you, I don't want you to be sad after you meet him. You never answered how it usually goes for you- are you like jay, where you just meet people and mutually "click" most of the time? Or are you a numbers player? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 I must have skipped over that part, sorry! I'm like Jay. I've met 3 people from online and had relationships with 2 of them. I have talked to others, but that's where I do almost all of my filtering. If I don't feel it enough through a message, I don't waste the time to meet them. I don't know if that's a bad or good thing, but it's how it happens for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 I'm like Jay too. I have filtered through messages/dating online info very easily and haven't met that many from online and those that I have, I've had relationships with, aside from a couple exceptions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 Lol no worries. Well, if that's how it's working for you, that's great. I'm jealous I hated all the first dates that didn't pan out. Just make sure you watch for and listen to red and yellow flags. Xoxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 I wonder why that happens. Maybe Im more specific with who I'm attracted too? Or maybe because I will only date the Immediate and intense clicks? Jay is all over the place in terms of what he finds attractive. He also believes in things going really slow, so he's someone that's let chemistry develop over time. He's said multiple times we've moved way faster than anything he's experienced, and I think it's because we had the mutual click...and he's never experienced that before. Idk. But how did he attract women that were like him? How did he attract me when I'm so different? I just found I could never filter properly. I talked to guys for months sometimes before meeting (when I was new to OLD) and it made no difference. I could *really* like their personalities in person or on paper, but if I wasn't attracted to them, nothing would change that. It was actually more depressing because when we met and I realized I didn't want to ever see his penis, I'd lose a friend too. I wonder how that works. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 I think it's easier to filter people out based on words and a couple pictures when you're looking for something pretty specific or if you have a certain type. I get along with a lot of people but I don't truly jive with many and chemistry is another story. I can't even really put into words (although I can a bit) what makes me rule out people. I can rule out someone out extremely quickly though, even if they are really nice and charming. It's a combination of things I seek out and vast majority don't have it so it always made filtering easy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 J just dropped a bomb on me. He's living with an ex. Apparently they broke up months ago and he hasn't been able to find another place to move. They live in separate rooms and don't have much contact. He was put up for promotion for a job somewhere else but couldn't accept it because he wasn't able to find someone to live in time. He says he understands my aversion but would hate to miss out on an opportunity to get to know me based on something that wasn't his fault. (I guess she just didn't want to be in a relationship and started seeing someone else.) He's asking for a chance to prove it to me. I don't even know what to do or say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 J just dropped a bomb on me. He's living with an ex. Apparently they broke up months ago and he hasn't been able to find another place to move. They live in separate rooms and don't have much contact. He was put up for promotion for a job somewhere else but couldn't accept it because he wasn't able to find someone to live in time. He says he understands my aversion but would hate to miss out on an opportunity to get to know me based on something that wasn't his fault. (I guess she just didn't want to be in a relationship and started seeing someone else.) He's asking for a chance to prove it to me. I don't even know what to do or say. Nooooo!! It's always somethin', isn't it? Ack! I trust you will give this a lot of thought and no matter what you decide to do. . You can handle this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 I'm just... I feel like crying. This is why I filter before meeting. I asked him if I could ask questions. He said yes. I asked why he didn't ask to move in with his mom or brother. But they live in another state. He says he isn't locked in a lease with the ex. His family knows the bad situation he is in and has offered to help him move. He just needs to find a place. I can't fault him on having difficulty finding a place. I myself know how hard it is. His ex is allowing him to stay because he is paying half. But she will let him leave at his convenience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 He's not locked in with a lease with the ex? I mean, isn't that why most people stay in these crappy situations, because bbreaking the lease is too much? I don't get why he can't find a cheap studio or roomshare setup within just a month or two. I get that it's hard but still, I couldn't imagine being stuck for MONTHS in a place with an ex when you're not locked into a lease. He could just pick up his things and get out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 He has a friend that will share a place with him, but the friend is locked in a lease himself until October. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Unfortunately this where my cynicism kicks in. You don't know him well enough to trust this, no matter how much you want to. He better be prepared for forensic inquisition! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 He's listing a bunch of valid reasons as to why he hasn't been able to find anything. On one hand I accept his reasons because I've faced them myself. On the other hand... Excuses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 What is your gut telling you here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 That it's a damn shame because he seems like a good guy and we'd have a good connection. I don't know what I'm going to do. Is there some sort of trial period? Like, do casual dating to see if his situation changes? And if it doesn't or it doesn't seem like he's trying, just end it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 For me that would be too much drama. He hasn't broken up for long enough to even move out yet, that would cause me concern. And of course the living situation itself is just...too much entanglement. What I would do is tell him I would like to get to know him but not under these circumstances. Tell him to contact you again when he's got his living situation all sorted and you can pick it up again then if you are both still interested and available. Dating casually while you wait and see may result in you being too invested in him over time and by the time you see the truth, it's harder to walk away. Whereas this way you maintain control over the situation and if he does indeed sort it out (which shouldn't be much longer if it's purely a matter of finding somewhere suitable to live) and contact you again, you are more than free to give it a chance. If he follows through on that, it will also mean that his story likely checks out and he is genuinely interested in you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Just some point of reference: When I broke up with my ex N, I moved out within the month. We were under lease. I didn't break the lease, I let him take it over and I took my crap and I left. I didn't have much $$ either (still don't) but I really didn't want to stay so I got out. Okay, I understand in-house separations when you're strapped for cash, you're going through a divorce, you have a HOUSE and kids (versus just an apartment), but when it's a girlfriend, it's an apartment, and you have no lease? Why is he staying? There is a reason he's staying. I don't know why, maybe it's just emotional, maybe he's scared to be on his own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Fudgie has a good point. Actually upon thinking some more, I am personally against the idea of dating casually and see whether things change. Because that means you accept his current situation and it will be even less incentive for him to move out. He can keep feeding you different excuses to keep you around and you won't know if it's true or not. It can go on for a long time and it's just too messy. If what he says is true, he should be able to move out in the next couple of months and pick things up with you again then. Also I don't quite understand why he gave up on a promotion because of living situation? It doesn't make much sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 There are tons of reasons why he can't find a place within his budget and around his work. I'm not going list them all. But they are sensible reasons and ones that I've faced with myself. I've decided, against everyone's advice, that I'm going to continue talking to him. But I'm not going to suggest dates. If he wants to make an effort and come to my side of the area, he can. Meanwhile, I'm going to continue talking to others. I'm not going to limit my dating pool to someone that likely won't work out for me. But in the meantime, I like talking to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I think that's okay K and I hope it works out, I really do! The key here is that you looked at the facts and weighed things out in your mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 It's great that you're keeping your options open Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 I do know that my guard will be way up. I think I'm giving myself an internal deadline of a month. If we've seen each other a couple times and I don't feel like it's going anywhere, I'll end it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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