WithLove Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 Still nothing on OKC. What is it with guys showing keen interest, but then disappearing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Idk. For me, it always seemed to happen in waves though. A wave of flakes. A wave of really great guys- that makes it so hard to pick just one. And then I drought. Couldn't win. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Still nothing on OKC. What is it with guys showing keen interest, but then disappearing? I have done this to guys sometimes -- I get busy, or someone else rises to the fore, or I wish they would ask me out already and get bored of messaging. Sometimes I am responding to something intuitive and I can't always say why, or I lose faith in the veracity of their words, or I sense they are being evasive. I recently eliminated a man because when I asked where he grew up he gave me an odd answer that didn't answer my question. He may have simply been distracted when writing me back, but I just faded away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 I'm sort of over it already! Is it bad... that I get some responses from some guys.... and I think "I deserve better than this guy"....? I'm being extremely picky. I've already ruled out a dozen "Hey, beautiful and most everything that hasn't started off with something that makes it obvious he's read my profile. I don't feel full of myself... I just feel like I'm picking up on my own self worth, and seeing flags of some men that shares similar things about my exes. And I avoid them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I'm sort of over it already! Is it bad... that I get some responses from some guys.... and I think "I deserve better than this guy"....? I'm being extremely picky. I've already ruled out a dozen "Hey, beautiful and most everything that hasn't started off with something that makes it obvious he's read my profile. I don't feel full of myself... I just feel like I'm picking up on my own self worth, and seeing flags of some men that shares similar things about my exes. And I avoid them. You have to filter at some point, and why not the guys that write "hey beautiful"? Either they write it to everyone or they can't figure out what's appropriate to say to a stranger. And the ones that don't bother reading it...it doesn't seem like here sincerely looking for a long term relationship...so why bother wasting time on them either? You're doing this right. Just keep working on developing your own sense of value, filter those that don't see what you already see in yourself, and keep growing. You're doing good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I'm sort of over it already! Is it bad... that I get some responses from some guys.... and I think "I deserve better than this guy"....? I'm being extremely picky. I've already ruled out a dozen "Hey, beautiful and most everything that hasn't started off with something that makes it obvious he's read my profile. I don't feel full of myself... I just feel like I'm picking up on my own self worth, and seeing flags of some men that shares similar things about my exes. And I avoid them. Absolutely! I filter out ruthlessly. Its just too time consuming otherwise, and my several years of experimenting with regards to my assumptions proved to me that I should just go with my natural preferences and forget giving people the benefit of the doubt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I should just go with my natural preferences and forget giving people the benefit of the doubt. Absolutely agree! So true! OP I also think you're doing it right! Keep it up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 Guy messaged me yesterday and didn't reply to my message back til later this afternoon. I replied again and he still hasn't replied. I'm so used to having access to everything on my smart phone that I get antsy waiting more than a few hours for a reply. Ugh. Anyway, this guy - we'll call him J - seems pretty cool, although he's into some things I've never encountered before. He just turned 32, he's the manager of a wine and beverage store, has no kids, is tall and bulky and has facial hair, but he's really into special effects make up and spends some time outside of his normal job doing things to increase his portfolio in make up artistry. He seems very creative and yet down to earth too. We briefly discussed want we're looking for, and I get that he's pretty independent and wants a partner that isn't afraid to challenge him. He also mentioned wanting a family. When should one mention their own views about having kids? I've had an IUD in place for a few months and won't have to think about them for 5 years. I don't know if I'd want kids of my own; honestly, I'm petrified of being pregnant. I'd rather date a guy that has kids already, so the pressure to make that kind of decision isn't on me. I didn't refer to his mention of having a family in my reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I think that it depends on a person's goals. It's clearly important and a top priority to him if he has made mention of it off the bat. Or, maybe he thinks it's a good pick up line(heh). I'd make mention of your views on that in the same manner that he did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I would ask him what his timetable is, it's good to be direct. I feel kind of bad for people who, like you, are really on the fence. When you definitely want them or definitely don't, it almost makes things easier in a way because then you can target others who feel just like you. I would be honest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Do you feel like you will have the energy and stamina for dating now? I noticed that you felt you had to give up your cat - so sorry for that - but I don't recall why. Before I married dating was soo much for me (energy, time, money, effort to look great). Are are you just kind of seeing what's out there? I've done that before too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 I'm still struggling over waiting so long for a reply. It took him a day and a half to get back to me. I almost want to just tell him "I'm looking for someone that is interested in more communication", but when he does finally reply, they are great messages and long ones, too. I'm trying to slow my own pace and remember that these are messages on a dating site - not texts, which sort of require a timely response. Once we start talking about deeper topics, I might ask him what his timetable is for kids. See what he says. Mrs. Darcy - exactly. I'm sort of putting my foot back in the pool to see what happens. I did had to give up my cat, yes, but I know she's in a good place. I got some pictures of her yesterday. As for myself, I'm feeling really good. I've been going to the gym almost every day. I've been eating pretty healthy, eating less. I find that the best way to lose weight is to not let myself get really hungry. I'll eat something every 2 hours or so - an apple, or a granola bar, or a couple carrots. I've been eating tons of chicken. All in all, I'm feeling great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I find myself sometimes take a day or two responding to messages on dating websites with people I'm interested in if the messages require/call for a long response. I just get lazy typing it all out lol... So where I can I move it off the site and to texting and arranging to meet ASAP so it doesn't die off because both parties get too busy / lazy with typing out messages and the momentum dies off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I find myself sometimes take a day or two responding to messages on dating websites with people I'm interested in if the messages require/call for a long response. I just get lazy typing it all out lol... So where I can I move it off the site and to texting and arranging to meet ASAP so it doesn't die off because both parties get too busy / lazy with typing out messages and the momentum dies off. This is my way as well. Even more, I'd rather just meet you than spend time typing and talking on the phone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 I'm not in any rush to totally immerse myself in the dating game, to be honest. I will go if he asks me, but I don't think I'm going to be the pursuer for anything. I just can't be bothered right now, as awful as that sounds. It's strange that I get antsy if I don't hear from someone right away or within a few hours - but at the same time, I know I'm not going to bull-charge into dating, seeking someone. I guess I'm just very focused on improving myself right now, and I'm feeling so good that I want someone to share that feeling with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Do you say that you are looking for more options than long-term relationship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 I have it ticked that I'm looking for friends, short- or long-term relationships, because it is an end goal to be in a relationship. I think I'm just tired of being the one to fight for a relationship. So I'm going to sit back and let someone else fight for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I'm not in any rush to totally immerse myself in the dating game, to be honest. I will go if he asks me, but I don't think I'm going to be the pursuer for anything. I just can't be bothered right now, as awful as that sounds. It's strange that I get antsy if I don't hear from someone right away or within a few hours - but at the same time, I know I'm not going to bull-charge into dating, seeking someone. I guess I'm just very focused on improving myself right now, and I'm feeling so good that I want someone to share that feeling with. That antsy-ness is an indication you need to work on you. Find things outside of the attention of a stranger to fill the void. I wrote out a huge response last night about the baby thing, but jay came in, and I didn't end up hitting send. It feels like that moment has passed...but I wanted to say...you should think about the baby thing some more. Figure out why being pregnant terrifies you. If you'd actually want to be a step parent (it's a really hard role). Think about what kind of life you want. Neither is right or wrong- and both are quite a bit different. When I found out I was pregnant...I was terrified. I didn't want children. But I think really...I didn't want children with my daughters father and I just couldn't articulate that. I was also terrified I would be like my mother. I didn't want to do that to another generation of children. Dating now....i was on the fence...but mostly because....I only wanted to have a chi,d with a man that would make a great father...that would be a great husband even with the added stress of bringing another child into the mix. If I couldn't find that guy- Tine would be enough. If that makes sense. But I think it would be good for you to try to articulate why you're on the fence (and not even to us, but for yourself...so that you know). Knowing what you want will help you filter. Filtering is good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 That's a good point. I'll try to think about it. I know that I hate my body doing things that I haven't okay'd. I hate getting sick, or having a fever, or feelings weird things going on in my body that I have no control over. Being pregnant is all of that rolled into one discomfort. I know that I don't have much experience with kids, at all. I'm the youngest in my family. When I was with C and his daughter, I was very overwhelmed at first. But I did grow to love her and care for her well-being. I would have taken on the roll of step-mother to her, absolutely. But I never got that chance. I agree that I think the fear of being pregnant started from being with being with my first boyfriend. He wanted to be a father really badly, and I think secretly I knew I didn't want to have kids with him. After him, I was with C, who already had a child and I felt like the pressure was off of me to have one for the first time. The other 2 boyfriends after them weren't in my life for more than a few months, so having a family didn't really get discussed (although I knew Tyler did want to have one eventually. In hindsight I feel that if I did get pregnant by him, he would take care of me and the child very well, so it didn't scare me as much.). I also feel like I'm a pretty selfish person. I like to go out to eat and buy clothes and video games and such. In that regard, I don't feel that I'm mature enough yet. I would regret and resent giving it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigKK Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Sounds a lot of the same reasons I had for not wanting a baby. Besides not wanting to buy new clothes for when I would get pregnant...kidding I thought I was going to be (and my family did too) a 40+ year old bachelor just living the life, since I was so selfish. I guess certain things click at a certain time. When I was on vacation visiting my sister and seeing my 1 year old niece for the first time. It was this weird crushing realization like a punch to the gut, this girl was absolutely adorable, and it hit me once I'm done with school, have a new job...I want a baby. My girlfriend has said the same thing, she says she's not ready yet but everyone in awhile when she is playing with babies (in my eyes 1-2 is the perfect age for cuteness and reactions) that it hits her sometimes that she thinks in a few years it might come around her that she's going to want a baby. I have always loved babies though. With my ex, when we had a pregnancy scare. Oh lord, I remember in my mind I could see my life falling apart...it was like a nuclear apocalypse scene from a movie where buildings were falling apart. I think that was a telling sign that I wasn't ready but also that she might of not been the right one for me. Although at that time, no one was. I also didn't want to be committed to her the rest of my life at that time. (also a telling sign) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I took comfort in that billions of women have given birth...and right now, it's the safest point in time for a mother and a child to survive childbirth. Yes, it sucks when you're pregnant and your sense of smell is super powered. I would dry heave at the smell of raw onions (which sucked because I worked in a produce department at that time lol). It sucks when all you crave is watermelon in the winter (when they're $16 each), only to throw it up within moments of eating it...that was my entire pregnancy lol. But it's amazing to watch your belly stretch tight and round. It's amazing to feel your baby hiccup inside you. It's amazing to imagine a completely different life..,and to realize how fluid life is- we have so many different possibilities...and my daughter really solidified that idea for me. Labour was terrifying...but I had a normal delivery, with no complications, and now it's not scary to me. It was the fear of the unknown. If I think about the things I sacrificed, yes, I feel resentful. But...you can feel like that about anything. Jobs make it so you do t have freedom. No job means no money. A mortgage ties you down. A spouse ties you down. But hopefully the benefits outweigh the responsibilities. And that's what you need to think about a bit. Having a child doesn't benefit some people, and that's okay. I will tell you this. My daughter was unplanned (never do that if you can avoid it)...I was young. 25 when I had her. I dropped out of school. Getting pregnant really screwed up the trajectory I was on. But she made a new path for me. And I'm grateful for the changes she's made to my personality. I'm more empathetic, more patient...kinder. If I could do it all over again....I probably wouldn't have had her at 25 if I knew what I know now....but I would definitely have a child later....when I finished school and got my sh-t together. It all worked out. I don't regret having her. It has been a huge sacrifice....but I love her enough that she makes up for that. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense to say "I would have waited" and "I have no regrets" in the same post...and I don't really know how to explain it better. Both statements are completely truthful, and exist in the same moment of time. How can I regret that toothless grin? And little notes scribbled out in crayon, "I love you mommy" ? I can't. But I can wish she was born a few years later...I guess I wouldn't know if it wasn't her (but a different child, because each child is a happenstance of that moment) and I would love that child just as much....but I wish I could have my clementine like...right now...instead of 7 years ago. Idk. But I know some people that had kids because they felt "pressured", or it was "the next step" or they felt their "clock ticking"...and they really didn't actually want children....and you can tell they resent their kids...and that sucks. That's why...everyone should think about it. Hard. It's a big decision. One that you can't take back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I know it doesn't make a lot of sense to say "I would have waited" and "I have no regrets" in the same post It makes a lot of sense to me, I feel the same. In an ideal world, things would have gone differently. For that, I wish I would have waited until some issues were ironed out. But at the same time, I don't have any regrets, either. Actually, maybe it is regret - Regret of the circumstances and such. But that's an entirely different beast than regretting having your child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 It makes a lot of sense to me, I feel the same. In an ideal world, things would have gone differently. For that, I wish I would have waited until some issues were ironed out. But at the same time, I don't have any regrets, either. Actually, maybe it is regret - Regret of the circumstances and such. But that's an entirely different beast than regretting having your child. It is the regret of the circumstance for both of us. Thank you for understanding what I was trying to say and saying it much more eloquently than I could have. I wish I had her with Jay (or whoever I would have ended up marrying if i hadn't had her and my life had been different). With a man that's a great father. Someone I know I would stay with, and who would have my back. So yeah...not regret of her. Timing is everything, as they say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I have it ticked that I'm looking for friends, short- or long-term relationships, because it is an end goal to be in a relationship. I think I'm just tired of being the one to fight for a relationship. So I'm going to sit back and let someone else fight for me. Trust me, you wouldn't want it to swing the other way. If he does all the fighting for you, there will be other problems ... he may burn out, feel resentment, lose interest, or whatever else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 I just meant - as far as contacting me on OKC. If something were to happen, I'm prepared to give it my all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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