Fudgie Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 It is not your fault or your failing that you need some chemical assistance to get through the day. It's no different, in my mind, than a diabetic. What if a diabetic told you that he felt embarrassed by taking insulin "why can't my body just deal with sugar on its own? Why do I have to give myself insulin? It's not normal. I shouldn't need this!" It would be even crazier if he decided to forgo or reduce his insulin because he felt bad taking it. That's a good way to have some serious problems with your eyes and limbs down the road. Anyway, my point is, it's a health condition and it does not reflect poorly on you as a person. It's not a sign of weakness. It's just the way that you were wired. I think you will get there eventually. I struggled for years but I was dx when I was 11ish. I don't think I fully accepted it until I was 15. Up until then, I had to be coached to take my meds and I called them my "happy pills" disparagingly. you are going to get there, K. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I hope to one day get to that point. But to me, it's an embarrassment. It's a daily reminder that I failed and continue to fail at handling my own problems without chemical assistance. Logically I know these feelings stem from my father issues. But just because I'm aware that the feelings aren't warranted, doesn't make them matter any less. Sometimes the thoughts in my brain are too complicated for me to ponder. That's why I ignore them a lot of the time. Until I have a bad day, and then everything is magnified. And that's when I get panic attacks and anxiety. I know it is very common to blame ourselves but that is incorrect and dysfunctional thinking. No one can help the way they are born. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 For me... It stems from when my mom and I left my dad... I was 12.... And he forever refers to that day as "me" leaving him, not "your mother" or even "your mother and you". So to him... his daughter (me) left him and it destroyed his life... and in a way, destroyed mine too... So it's really difficult for me to understand where to place blame, or if I even need to place blame... or if I just realize "it is what it is"... I blame my dad.... but I also blame myself.... I see what he sees. Which is.... someone that ripped his family apart. I never was on medication during that time... I managed to get all the way through high school without getting medication at all... so for me to be able to make it through something like that... without help... makes me feel like I could have, and should have, been able to get through regular, every day struggles. And now that I've admitted that I can't... makes me feel inferior. Makes me feel like less of a person... and less of a daughter. In retrospect, I absolutely feel that I should have been medicated during that time. But when my mom put me through therapy, I lied to the therapist; told them what I thought they wanted to hear... because I didn't want to face any of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 In looking back at that post above... It's so disjointed and all over the place... that's how my thoughts are. Not centered, not focused. I also just now realized, reading it all, that I never really made myself go through a timeline of what happened... because it's all clustered together and there's so much hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 OK ,well your dad has some very disordered thinking there. How the hell does a 12-year-old leave their parent?? Sounds like he considered you his mommy. He was the parent and you were the child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 What your dad did is exactly what my "parenting after separation" course told us not to do! It wasn't about you. Your mom must have felt at the end of her rope to leave- I think breaking up a family is one of the hardest decisions a parents can make...a lot of weight goes into the debate- including what is worse: stay in here and subjecting our child to this level of dysfunction, or breaking up the family and putting the child in a "broken home". Your dad could have gotten help. He could have stepped up and got his sht together....but he didn't. For whatever reason, he couldn't. And for him to make you feel like you left...it makes me mad. You were a child. You had no control....nor can you be responsible for anyone else's actions- not him continuing to drink, or your mom choosing to leave. It's hard, but you need to come to terms with the idea that your dad is a coward. He's not taking responsibility for his actions....he's blaming you. That's about as low as a person can go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 I may have found someone that wants to take my girl. I'm both very relieved and also heartbroken. The shelter called me yesterday to tell me that their cats are having a ringworm thing going on and they won't be taking any new surrenders in for at least 3 weeks. I needed to find a solution by July 31. My aunt messaged me this morning with the info that a family friend of hers that she has known for 25 years is interested in my girl. I got her phone number and I've been messaging her. She's talking to her husband to see what his opinion is. I really hope this pans out. I need a loving family to take my girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Would you ever be able to take her back? Like maybe find someone to be her foster parents for a while until you're in a better situation? If you can't find her a permanent home anyway. Idk. Just a thought. Not always possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 I've already fostered her out before. This would be my second time. And I've moved, like, 3 times since I've had her. I really think she needs to be in a stable home with a family that can keep her even if they move. She needs stability and permanence. That's what she deserves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I've already fostered her out before. This would be my second time. And I've moved, like, 3 times since I've had her. I really think she needs to be in a stable home with a family that can keep her even if they move. She needs stability and permanence. That's what she deserves. Fair enough. It's hard having pets when you're not in a stable situation. This is why we won't adopt any of our fosters until after we move...and finish renos....and get married (because I want a backyard summer wedding- poor jay, he does not...it will be interesting lol) and after the last kid is born...then we adopt...but right now...things are crazy. I think as hard as it is, you're making the right decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 It's not a good day today. I didn't sleep well, I dreamt all night, and it's raining already. I forgot my lunch at home. They're out of water in the machines at work. Sigh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Does your work use those water dispensers with the huuuuge multi gallon water containers? I'm at a hospital so our water machines are installed onto the fresh water line and also make ice. My ex B from years ago, he hated the local water so he would go out every week and buy 1-2 of those huge water containers for his personal dispensers and that's what he drank/cooked with. I remember thinking initially "Wow, what a great idea!" until you have to lug them out of the car, into the house, and then set them up yourself. Whew. I'll drink the tap water. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 There's a water fountain and they keep trays of ice in the freezer. I'll drink it if I get desperate, but it tastes nasty. I have some leftover water in the bottle I had yesterday, but it isn't cold. I really just don't care for room-temp water, but I've sipped at it today. Might go on my lunch hour to get a few more bottles to keep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Have you ever friended someone on social media that you haven't spoken to in a couple years, and when you do, you go back and look through all you prior posts to see what your life looks like through someone else's eyes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 My aunt's friend wants to adopt my girl!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy. I was so scared that I would have had to put her through to a shelter and there be a chance she'd get euthanized (God forbid, I don't even want to think about it!!). I want to cry with happiness and sadness, both at once. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 I have hit that moment that I've been waiting for! Last night, Jennifer and I went to the gym at her complex. We were just doing cardio (as normal) when we got to talking to another girl that was in there. She used to weight train and offered to show us how to use the different machines in there! Then she walked each of us through a workout with them all. I loved one of the machines (not sure of the name) where you pull the weights to you, towards your abdomen, and then to each of your sides. I feel really good. I'm sore but I'm so thrilled. I finally feel like I'm making progress. I'm going again today (alone) and then Jennifer and I are going sometime this weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 19, 2015 Author Share Posted July 19, 2015 And with that, my girl is gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Oh K I'm so sorry *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I'm sorry to hear that WithLove.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 Yes Fudgie, that did cheer me up! Thanks! It'll be okay. She went to a family that I know will love and care for her the way I can't. And they are friends of the family, and have promised to send pictures and status reports on her. So, it'll be good. I signed up for OKC over the weekend. Just the one site. Been chatting to 2 guys, but one went dark and the other's last message was something like "You seem perfect on paper! If you ever need a plus one for cool activities, hit me up!" and I took it as, he wasn't interested in talking anymore. So, nothing to report on the dating front. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Awww I am sorry you had to give away your cat. At least you know she will be well cared for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 I forgot to add that I opened the scale that I bought months ago and tested it last night. It's way off, so I need to reset it I think. Then I tried again this morning and according to it, I lost 2 lbs. Idk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Fudgie that video is hilarious, I loved the commentary hahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Good luck with OLD WithLove! Interested to see how things go! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 2nd guy messaged me back, saying that he reread his last message and cringed, and wanted to apologize if it seemed that he didn't want to talk anymore. I gave him a pass and messaged back, but haven't heard anything. Oh well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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