K's Dating Journal

[WithLove]

I'm in the "hungry all the time" phase of this new, healthy me. It sucks. I'm going out tonight with friends, though, so I'll indulge a little. It'll be my treat to myself for a hard-working week.

 

Gearing towards paying my last month's rent in my place. I'm sad to be leaving my freedom, but ultimately cannot wait to get out of this apartment.

 

Still on the waiting list for pet surrender. I've been withdrawing myself from my girl. I don't pet her much. It's killing me.

 

I've been taking my meds faithfully, but still feel as though I'm a pretty close to a breakdown. I try not to think about it.

 

Doctor is giving me 6 weeks to lose weight. Otherwise we'll be looking into other options, like medication.

[Fudgie]

What sort of meds is he thinking about putting you on?

 

I wish I could take your girl for you. My heart breaks for you and her.

[WithLove]

I'm not eating as much anymore, but I think it has more to do with the heartburn I get with virtually every food I eat rather than because my stomach is shrinking. I do not feel any smaller. I don't look any smaller.

 

Sigh.

[Fudgie]

You really, really, really should talk to your doctor about that heartburn. If you're feeling it badly and everday too, you can cause serious damage to your esophagus and stomach over time. You probably should be on something.

[WithLove]

I'm convinced that it's because I'm the heaviest I've ever been. My mom has GERD and once she lost a bunch of weight, she has stopped having issues. I just need to be healthier, that's all.

 

I don't want to go on another pill.

[Fudgie]

You're right, losing weight will definitely help. I wish my GERD went away but it didn't, just became treatable. My dr says it's because I had so much of my stomach removed so it's a common side effect but meds do help.

 

I miss my pineapple though.

[faraday]

How are you doing, pretty lady?

[WithLove]

Not well. I've been out of meds for a couple days (pharmacy couldn't order them in time and now they are closed with the holiday) so I'm having a hard time. I'm remembering a few years ago, when I was with Chris (the one with the autistic daughter). My family rented a house on the beach for the holiday and I begged him to come out, but he couldn't because he worked. In the end, he got someone to cover for him so he could be there with me. I remember sitting out on the beach at night, in a chair, making out like teenagers and discussing our future.

 

It hurts my heart today.

 

I'm so turned off by dating right now. I've dated 3 guys since him and I couldn't contemplate any future with any of them. What if I won't find someone that makes me feel like he did? I will never forgive him for how he treated me in the end, but o can't forget that he's the first and only guy I've ever considered marrying and having a child with.

 

I'm just in such a rut.

[faraday]

Break ups suck. It sucks when we invest in someone and they don't pan out. It sucks when we put ourselves out there only to find ourselves standing there alone.

 

I get it.

 

But then you'll meet someone...and it makes all the break ups worth it....because they shaped you into the person that not only appreciates your partner for who they are, but moulds you into the person they can fall in love with.

 

Three years ago I was a total hippy- I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, and I went natural to try to cure it. If I had met jay in that time- he would have run the other way. He loves that I am now a peer reviewed study obsessed girl.

 

If I had met him even a year before I met him- I wouldn't have been interested. He would have been too nice. He lacked that co cky edge that I used to require. However, now, after having been burned by the jerks one too many times...I was drawn to his kindness.

 

Today we were talking about how if I had come up in his eH matches 6 months earlier- he wouldn't have written me. He wasn't ready to date someone with a kid. But then he dated someone several years younger than us, and she totally burned him...and he decided after that he wanted someone with more life experience that knew what they wanted...he wanted someone serious. So while he was extremely cautious getting involved with me...I came along at just the right moment.

 

So just...look at all the break ups as stepping stones that are leading you to the right guy.

 

I met jay at 31. I had pretty much given up hope. And as he lays sleeping next me right now (sleeping in the middle of a king sized bed, his body fully pressed against me, facing me, snoring slightly) I just feel thankful. I mean...I had a crappy dating history until him. I've had my heart broken so many times. But...it was worth it. It got me here.

 

And you're on your way there too. There's a great guy out there for you. But you need to stay on the path- don't give up. Take breaks when you need to...but make sure that you're taking good care of yourself. Love yourself. Love your life. Be someone you can proud of.

 

You'll get there.

 

I hope your meds get in soon- that's tough.

[Fudgie]

I'm sorry about your meds. I hate going without mine! Sometimes I have to remind myself "Hey, you're off you meds, a lot of this is just non-med talk!"

 

I'm just plain done with dating and am not interested in meeting anyone. I think if you want to find someone, you will. Those who genuinely do, do. Because they become open when they are ready. Those who don't want to remain closed.

[WithLove]

I got my meds on Sunday and just being on them for 2 days is making me feel so much better. Yesterday was awful because it was almost like starting them over again, and the side effects were nearly unbearable. But I just gritted my teeth and powered through the work day, and went to bed when I got home from work. I'm feeling much better today.

 

I know that I'm lonely and I want someone in my life to fill a significant other capacity. But the thought of OLD is just not sitting with me. I think I want to try to meet someone IRL and see what happens. I checked out Meetup for the first time in months today and even asked Jennifer if she wanted to try it with me. She's very skeptical of anything online, but I might be able to convince her.

 

I haven't done much in the way of packing, but over the weekend I followed my urge to clean and was able to get together a bunch of clothes that I don't wear much and bring them over to my dad's. It cleared out a lot of space in my apartment and I'm going to do the same this week with more clothes and also some contents of my closet.

 

I emailed the Humane Society to ask about the status of the pet surrender.

 

I'm flat broke until Friday, but for the first time in quite awhile, I feel okay.

[faraday]

I'm glad you're starting to feel better

 

It might be worth waiting a few months before heading out into dating. Get yourself feeling good. Get fully moved, and get your money situation figured out. Can you get a second job? Before I had my daughter, I had a full time job and a part time job. Kept me busy, and padded my bank account. My part time job was always doing something retail where I could get discounts on things I wanted to buy- pier 1, outdoor stores, clothing stores...I built up a decent collection of clothing, and set my place up pretty nice with that.

 

Just a thought. While you're young anyway. I also met tons of new friends at those jobs and often times, met guys I dated through social events with those people.

 

I actually miss those times. Those people. It was just so fun. Not that life isn't fun now lol, it's just different. But that time in my life (BC- Before Child) was a great time- I wish I had maximized it further

[faraday]

Oh...so...why I think, delay dating: when you're (General you) not in a great place...you tend to settle. Accept things that you wouldn't normally. Tolerate less to avoid being alone.

 

And that's not a good place to be in when trying to find a quality partner. Staying with losers doesn't help with raising self esteem either....so unless you get lucky and find a unicorn, it creates a bad cycle.

 

You're a great girl. Get to a good place again You're on the road....keep going!

[WithLove]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It was a genuine pleasure to get to work and read what you've written above for me, Faraday. Thank you so much for that.

 

I get what you're saying when it comes to settling. I've done it A LOT in my dating history. My first boyfriend - what a complete waste of time. Why is it that your first relationships are usually the ones that screw you up the most? I'm still healing from it - ended it 4 years ago - not healing from the guy, but the things I was forced to confront during that time.

 

This is the first time I've ever talked about this here, I believe - but I will now. My first boyfriend, R, and I dated for 3 years.... but were only intimate the last year we were together. And I had to beg him to have sex with me for my first time. It was my 20th birthday and I had just gotten so frustrated with being in a relationship with someone - LIVING with someone - and not being able to enjoy the benefits. I asked him to please, make love with me. I think I even cried.

 

That experience has scarred me. We only had sex maybe 10 times in the space of that last year. I got rejected so much. He was a "nice guy"; but I completely lost who I was in the relationship. I had no sense of self worth or confidence. And I'm still struggling with it today.

 

Admittedly, I have come a long way since then, but I believe things would have been a lot different in future relationships if the first one hadn't been so bad.

 

 

In any case, I believe what you're saying, Faraday. It's a weird situation where I'm very lonely and would genuinely love to have a companion to spend time with; but at the same time, I know you're right in that I would likely overlook certain things that I've been pretty solid on in the past (i.e. smoking cigs or pot, etc). I still think I'm going to start looking at Meetup groups again, but purely to meet new people and put myself out there socially.

 

Getting a 2nd job is a good idea, but I can already sense that it wouldn't work for me. I'm already having problems with my energy levels with one job as it is; I don't think I could handle another one, even on weekends. My weekends are spent recovering from the prior work week.

[faraday]

R sounds like he might not have been interested in women and using you as a cover up. Or something. That's messed up...and not normal. You need to realize that it wasn't you. But yes, you needed to get the heck out of that way sooner.

 

I think you just need to get some positive relationships under your belt. I barely remember my first relationships....they have made no lasting impression on me. My most messed up relationship was with 2 1/2 year guy (ended 2 years ago this coming October), and while I was over him when I met Jay, I wasn't completely over all the unhealthy dynamics he brought to the table for the first year with Jay....so posting in my journal helped a lot- I got the feedback necessary to work through it. And Jay is patient. So I get what you're saying.

 

I like you. I worry about you. When you stayed with Ty so long...way longer than you should have....I wondered if maybe you were working through stuff.

 

I don't want you to get into another relationship with someone that makes you question your value. That makes you feel like less.

 

Only guys that make you feel special. But first....you need to see your own special...and let it shine.

[WithLove]

After I broke it off with R, about a year later, I got a Facebook message from his ex after me (who I knew through stalking her profile, obviously). She wanted to know the reasons I broke up with him. At first, I was like, who the eff are you to even contact me to ask me this? Then she explained that she had gotten hold of his email and found out he had been secretly setting up meetings with men for sexual encounters. Then she sent me the screen shots. I was so disgusted.

 

I guess I stayed with Tyler because I wanted to give him a chance to see if he'd grow on me. He never did.

 

I desperately want to let myself shine.... but most of the time I don't see anything worth putting out there..... And that's a problem.

[faraday]

Not surprised at all about R. Hopefully he comes to terms with who he is so he can stop destroying himself and his gfs with his denial. It's tough. I had a friend in high school that thought he was gay but his mom was a fundamentalist and wouldn't accept him. He was miserable for quite a while while he dealt with the idea that his mom might not end up being a part of his life when he became his true self.

 

You know that most people aren't exceptional, right? Like...at all exceptional. We just find the things in ourselves that are kinda quirky and let that shine.

 

It's funny that you say that...last night jay and I were in bed, and I said, "I'm so lucky I met you- you're so amazing." And he said, "I don't know why you say that. I'm just me. I'm not anything special." But to me...he is so special. I get that he's not exceptional in a human race standpoint. Neither of us will be remembered in history books....but he is exceptional to me because of how kind he is to Tine and I. How hard he works. How generous he is. How he can always make me laugh. How treasured he makes me feel.

 

Have you ever heard that Maya Angelou quote that goes something like, "People won't remember what you say or what you do. They'll remember how you made them feel." And that's what being exceptional is to someone else.

 

If you live your life being kind....not just to others, but to yourself...live in a way where you always find the good in others and in situations...if you live everyday trying to leave the world in some small way a tiny bit better....you'll be exceptional for nothing other than that. Maybe try going for there. It makes you (General you) feel so good to contribute positively to the world, that you can't help it to get a little boost from it. Whether it's picking up garbage in your community, volunteering at the shelter (human or animal), sitting with seniors, buying the person behind you a cup of coffee, or writing a letter to a friend to tell them how special they are...you will feel like a better person after because you'll be contributing. Then when you start to feel like...you are special...you start to feel gratitude for what you have...then you work on becoming more than what you are.

 

I hope that gives you an idea on where to start. That's what I did after 2 1/2 year guy and I split...and it helped me so much.

 

Jay thinks I'm incredibly special...but I'm not. I just work hard (volunteering) in my community to make it a better place. I work hard at being a good mother. I work hard at seeing the good in things. I work hard at doing things that make him feel appreciated and loved (and for him, it's not words- so that's been a new thing for me) by: making nice dinners for him, Remembering to keep his favourite drinks stocked and in the fridge, giving him massages, showing him my art (it makes him happy that I'm happy doing what I love, and that he can support me while I pursue my dream).

 

It also help to cut out people that don't help bring you up. You'll notice in my journal...I have mostly cut out my parents. I cut out 2 friends in that's year. I'm really trying to cultivate relationships with people who appreciate me, and get me. With people I respect and admire.

 

You need to do that too. Find people that see the good in you.

 

One of the strongest feelings I had in the beginning with Jay....was that...he looks at me like I'm the most precious being on the whole planet....and I will do everything and anything to keep him looking at me like that. It keeps me working towards being my best. And...I think that's what happens when you meet some one good for you- they become a positive driving force in your life that encourages you to stay being your best self.

 

Idk. Just random thoughts. Sorry I talked so much about my experience in your journal lol. I have a hard time articulating how things would be without using examples.

[WithLove]

I hope one day I can grow to have an attitude about life like you do.

 

Thank you for sharing some insight. I want more random thoughts and such. I can't even tell you how helpful it is to hear other thoughts besides my own.

 

I haven't been going to the gym. It's always excuses: don't have gym clothes to wear... Have to do laundry.... I'm too tired.... Have other plans..... Etc. But today, Jennifer asked me "So when are you going to go to the gym for real?" So I told her, let's just start today. If we keep saying "we'll start on xxx date" we will just keep making excuses. So, I pushed for today.

 

Mom's birthday is on Saturday. My family has chipped in to help me get her a new TV. She's had the same one since we left my father, 13 years (!) ago. It's time! We're also going to go with Jennifer and her mom to a place about an hour from us called Yoder's. It's an Amish restaurant, deli and farmer's market. I'm so excited. I know she will love it. She loves those kinds of things.

 

It's another good day. I remembered to take my meds today. I got a "job well done" for something I did at work earlier from my supervisor. And I have the support of my best friend and my friends on here. Life is good, right? And it's going to get better.

[faraday]

You're right, life is good

 

It's important to focus on all the things are going right in life...and express gratitude for them.

 

It sounds like you're being daughter of the year, and your mom will really appreciate that. I'm glad that you're going to the gym. Have you looked into gyms in your area to see if they offer trades for volunteer hours? The YMCA by my house will trade 3 hours a week for a gym membership...and there are a few yoga studios that will trade hours for classes...it might be a way of making yourself accountable- if you're going to be there anyway, you can workout after...and you have to go because you made a commitment. Just a thought (save the gym membership fee and force yourself to go lol).

 

You can change your attitude to be whatever you want it to be- it just takes a bit of practice. You're good people, I have no doubt that you'll come out of this a stronger, more empowered person. Look to where you're going, let go of the things you can't change (like the past), and focus on the good. You're going to be okay

[WithLove]

After having posted something in Fudgie's journal, I was unsure whether to describe my anxiety/depression/bipolar as a disability... or a disease... or what?

 

How do I know what to call it when I can't even decide how I feel about it?

[Fudgie]

If it helps, I call my depression/anxiety a disease. Here is my thinking:

 

If I am treated properly (which I am, thank goodness), I am a functional adult and I am not disabled. Yes, I've had bad medicine mishaps (even recently, damn stomach) but overall, I'm okay. That's just me though.

 

To me, a disability is something that disables or seriously affects your life quality even if you're treated.

[Seraphim]

I would say my father is seriously disabled by mental illness. He receives a disability pension for that. He is severely bipolar, bipolar one. He's not functional even on medication.

[WithLove]

I hate the words disease and disability. Especially when a lot of the time, I pretend I don't have a problem. Is that strange?

[Fudgie]

It doesn't bother me as much now because I realize now that I doesn't reflect on me as a person. Also, I'm quite functional. I think I'd feel worse if I weren't or had serious quality of life issues. I can't help how my brain was wired or the hormonal issues I have. This was the body I was born with and if I have to put some pills down the hatch everyday, well, it's a small price to pay.

[WithLove]

I hope to one day get to that point.

 

But to me, it's an embarrassment. It's a daily reminder that I failed and continue to fail at handling my own problems without chemical assistance. Logically I know these feelings stem from my father issues. But just because I'm aware that the feelings aren't warranted, doesn't make them matter any less.

 

Sometimes the thoughts in my brain are too complicated for me to ponder. That's why I ignore them a lot of the time. Until I have a bad day, and then everything is magnified. And that's when I get panic attacks and anxiety.