faraday Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 I get that. Last year (oct 2013) after my break up with 2 1/2 year guy...I realized I was so lost and so not myself...I hated myself. I quit everything. I threw away 90% of my clothes, changed my hair colour, quit my business, went back to school. I changed out pretty much every piece of furniture in my house. I took up painting again after a 10 year hiatus. I don't recommend going to that extreme. But...I get what you mean. I have faith that you'll figure it out. It sounds like you're taking the step necessary for the gym, and that's awesome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted May 11, 2015 Author Share Posted May 11, 2015 I don't have the funds to do what you did, but if I did I probably would. I'm at that stage in my life where I'm pretty fed up with what I have and what I want. I'm not where I wanted to be at 25. I have so much going for me, but also I don't. I never finished school; I never got married; I don't have any kids; I live alone in a place that is never completely bug-free. But, I live all by myself after battling depression and anxiety and bipolar for years and not being diagnosed. I worked really hard in high school, both in class and at a job nearly full-time. I moved away immediately after high school; I lasted 3 years before I was forced to come back. I've never self-harmed, never been suicidal. That's a pretty big deal to me, because I lived in a bad neighborhood in high school and was around drugs and such on a consistent basis. I never did anything like that in order to "deal" with my issues, simply because I loved my mother too much to cause problems in our lives like that. She worked 3 jobs and therefore far too hard to make sure I had what I needed. I didn't want to repay her by making trouble. And after I moved away, I was in a deep, dark hole for years; but never resorted to self harm to express my pain. I don't have a lot, but I feel like I've come a really long way from my teenage years and early 20s, as far as a mental capacity goes. I just need to follow through with my own physical image issues and I think I'll be on top of the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 I did most of the furniture myself...which made it pretty inexpensive. I found stuff in garage sales, on kijiji (like Craigslist) and in alleys for cheap...and I refinished them. I maybe spent $300 on the actual furniture, and maybe $100 in paint (a lot of $3 cans of mistints) and hours and hours repainting. It was therapy. Clothing was from thrift stores. People would never guess. Idk...that whole thing for me was...what I focused on....it was how I healed. I threw myself into it as a distraction. If you're not creative, you need to find your outlet (and it sounds like you have one at the gym) and throw yourself into it. Maybe try new classes...do a yoga challenge or something. You'll get through it. You're young. And rarely does life turn out the way we think it will. When I was 25, I was a college drop out raising a newborn on my own. A huge mortgage that I had no idea how I would pay. Life can change so much. You can do this. You got this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 First meeting with the oncologist tomorrow morning. It feels strange saying I have a cancer doctor now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I haven't posted because I don't know what to say. I think it's important to do whatever the doctor says, and try your best to keep positive about it. I'm putting out good vibes for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 ((hugs)) coming your way. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 I know. It's hard for anyone to say anything other than "Sending good thoughts". But I appreciate anything. I am scared. I don't like my body doing things without my consent! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I get that. Last year (oct 2013) after my break up with 2 1/2 year guy...I realized I was so lost and so not myself...I hated myself. I quit everything. I threw away 90% of my clothes, changed my hair colour, quit my business, went back to school. I changed out pretty much every piece of furniture in my house. I took up painting again after a 10 year hiatus. I don't recommend going to that extreme. But...I get what you mean. I have faith that you'll figure it out. It sounds like you're taking the step necessary for the gym, and that's awesome ] After my fourth breakup, I started training for and ran a half-marathon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 First meeting with the oncologist tomorrow morning. It feels strange saying I have a cancer doctor now. Sorry to hear that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 First meeting with the oncologist tomorrow morning. It feels strange saying I have a cancer doctor now. I know it's stressful to you and I know how it feels to have it since I've had it before. Kinda feels like a dark cloud hanging above your head all the time. Not to trivialise or normalise it, but in vast majority of cases the abnormal cells go away by themselves, especially when you are under 35. A lot of people would have had it and not even realise because it had healed itself. I know you are being cautious and want to consult an oncologist, but just keep in mind that you don't have cancer, not even close to it, it's much easier to treat and will likely go away by itself anyway, so best not think of it in relation to cancer at all to not add undue stress to yourself (even know I know oncologist is a cancer doctor lol). Good luck with your meeting with the oncologist! It'll be over before you know it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted May 13, 2015 Author Share Posted May 13, 2015 Met with the oncologist today. He's very nice, younger than I expected, and the first male doctor I've had for this area of my body. He took the time to go over each "phase" of what happens. When I got a papsmear last year, my doctor tested me for the HPV virus; I have one of the "high risk" ones that apparently the HPV vaccine I got didn't cover. So those cells keep popping up. He said the only thing to do is keep getting papsmears to watch them; some women's bodies get rid of them naturally, and some don't, but it's about a two-year process. If the body doesn't heal from them, they may turn into pre-cancerous cells, at which point there's a procedure to have them removed. Then those cells turn into cancerous ones if left alone. But since my issues have been caught so early, the chance of this happening are slim to none, in my case. Even if the biopsy comes back positive for pre-cancerous cells, I can still have them removed before they become a bigger problem. And the process for these things to happen usually takes years, the doctor said. All in all, I'm in pain because I wasn't prepared to have a colposcopy or biopsy today, and didn't take any pain medication for it. I'm nervous for the biopsy results. But I know that they are doing everything they can do. At this point, it's just a "don't worry about it unless it gets worse" type of thing. My body may always have these cells. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 This happened to me when I was 20. I had 2 more Pap smears 6 months apart...they were both normal, and now I'm on a regular schedule, no problems since. My mom had this happen when she was 23, she did get cancer and she's been fine since...and that was 35 years ago. I'm not saying "sorry worry at all" don't work yourself up too much. You won't know anything for 6 months at least, so there's no point in stressing about it unless you do hear bad news. Nothing good can come from stressing about it. Are you still thinking about moving? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 Please get some comfort in the fact that you are being very proactive about this and it is treatable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 Feeling better today. Was in pain for much of yesterday, so after work ended I went home and was horizontal for the rest of the evening. Not feeling any pain or discomfort today so far, so that's good. I am getting increasingly restless. I'm unhappy with who I am right now. I have been making efforts as far as eating better and going to the gym, but so far I've not noticed any improvements in any other areas of my life. I'm not sure what to do about it. Finances are very, very strapped right now. I rather think I'd like to get into boxing or similar to let out some aggression and energy, but it's very expensive in my area. I've been incredibly lonely the past 2 nights. The night before the appointment, I laid in my bed, thinking that I would have given anything to have someone I cared about lying next to me. Last night, I just felt so.... isolated. I guess I'm just having a hard time right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 Huh, I was just about to make a post in my journal about being down lately. I feel like I'm in a funk....for me I know mine will end when my roommate leaves and I can live normally in my house again. 2 weeks. I don't have any advice really. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. These low times make the high times so much better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 It's strange, because I normally only feel this way when I haven't taken my meds. But I've been consistently taking them since my last post in here about not taking them. I don't know. Hugs to you, Faraday. We'll get through it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 Not feeling well today. I'm having weird pelvic pain that started over the weekend. It's not enough for me to question going to the clinic or anything, but it's just a strange, cramp-like nudge of pain every once in awhile. Weird. No movement on the weight-loss front. I'm really bummed about that. I went to the gym twice last week (only two chances I had to go) and have been really concentrating on eating better. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I don't feel heavy, but when I look in the mirror it's a different story. The only thing I know for sure is that I'm in no frame of mind to date right now. Breaking up with Tyler was probably a hidden blessing. My apartment is a mess. I think it's making feel really oppressed in my own home. My cat picked up fleas again and no matter how often I treat her, they won't go away. I'll treat her and then vacuum all the fabric areas of my place, including the rugs and couch, and sprayed down with good flea spray (uncle is in pest control and I got it from him) and they still just won't go away. I'm thinking of just getting rid of my rugs to have less places for fleas to hang around. Then I only have my bedroom carpet and my couch to worry about. I'm not in a good place right now. I feel like all my efforts aren't working well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 Can you keep your cat inside? She can't get them if she's indoors, can she? I don't understand how warmer climates work though.,.its not the same here I don't think. If having a messy place is bugging you, I would go on a massive cleaning spree. Wash down walls, hand scrub all fabrics on furniture. Move furniture and vacuum behind them, hard scrub floors and baseboards. Wash down cabinets. Wash windows and screens. Wash curtains and and throw pillows. Dust- I take everything off and dust the shelf and then each item. Purge things you don't want/need. Pull out everything in every kitchen cupboard and fridge- throw out anything expired or that you won't eat- clean the shelves and put everything back organized. Clean your oven.scrub down the inside and the outside of your toaster. I'm a bit retentive and I do that every few months (on top of my normal cleaning)...it helps me to feel more In control....when my place isn't sparkling, I get sad. I can't wait for my roommate to leave- nothing sparkles anymore and when I do clean, her and her kid mess it up. Makes me really appreciate how tidy jay and Tine are Just try to get some order back. That might help. Hope you feel better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted May 19, 2015 Author Share Posted May 19, 2015 She's an indoor cat. She's my only pet. I think she got them when I would let her out on the screened in porch. She must've come into contact with something that had them. I can't think of any other reason. I did two loads of laundry last night. I threw out my living room rug, swept and mopped the living room, and scooped the cat litter. I was feeling much better about my place afterwards. When I get home today, I'll be picking up the kitchen (it's fairly clean already due to bug issues) but I'll wipe down the counters and sweep and mop. Dishes are already done and the stovetop is clean. Tomorrow I'll tackle my bedroom and bathroom. I'm sore from the gym. I really pushed myself yesterday, and even though I'm hurting, it feels good knowing that it's from exercising. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 I received the news yesterday that my rent is going up $100 on July 31, when my lease ends/begins again (if I sign it). I'm in shock. I was expecting maybe a $50 increase, but definitely not $100. I'm considering my options. I could stay there another year in the hopes that something changes, i.e. I get an increase in my wages (probable, but not an amount that'll make any real difference); I'm also considering a move to another state next year, so I don't really want to move once and then move again in a year or less. But, I'd be surviving, and not living. $100 doesn't seem like a lot, but I just took over my phone bill from my father and $100 = $1200 a year, which is a lot for someone only making around $20k a year. I can do it, but in all honesty, I'd have to give up my lifestyle that I am currently very happy with, and I'd definitely have to cancel my trip in the fall. The next option is to move to a place that's equal to what I am paying now, or even (preferably) less. However, rental unit prices are rocketing upwards in my city and the only places available are in the slums, and I just don't feel good about choosing to live in a place where I'll have to have a weapon next to or on me at all times. Especially since I'm a single young female living alone. The third option, which seems to be the smartest option and yet the one I'm least excited about, is to move back in with my father. He is away on business until September and told me yesterday that his rent is paid until that time and that I'm welcome to move back in if I need to. I wouldn't have to pay rent, although I told him I would pay the electric etc, since I'd be the one using it. The money I don't pay for rent would be set aside in preparation for getting my own place again when prices are more affordable, or if I happen to find a roommate what I'm comfortable with, OR if I decide to move states. Either way, it would be a "temporary long-ish term" solution, and Dad already welcomed me back if needed. Either way, I need to make a decision pretty quickly, because I have to let my complex know what I'm doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 I've decided I'm moving back in with my father until something better happens. I feel like a failure, making this decision, but it's the best thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I meant to write earlier- I would have chosen the option to move back home for a bit too. Save your money, get a reserve fund happening again. If I had the option to do that in the last year, I would have done that over accumulating the debt I have. It's going to take me a long time to resolve my finances...when just not having expenses for a few months would have resolved that. Be kind to yourself. Take care of your yourself. How are things going? Are you still going to the gym and taking your meds? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 I'm still going to the gym. Haven't been eating as well as I should due to the holiday weekend for us in the US, but I'm back on track now (and hungry, lol). I want to go to the gym today, but I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night and I can barely string two words together at work as it is, so I don't think I'm going to make it in today after work. Meds are still being taken. This may be TMI, but I haven't done any sexual "me time" in about 2 weeks. And prior to that, I would do it, but it seemed like a chore and wasn't fulfilling. I just don't have the urge to do it anymore. I used to do it practically every day, as a way to help me sleep. But I just haven't been feeling very sexual lately. Which is scary to me, because I'm a very sexual person usually. Not sure what to make of all this. Sigh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I've had funks like that. For me, I needed inspiration. Once I was back to feeling good about myself and crushing on guys again, I was back to my usual. Give it time. How are you feeling about the ending with Ty? Have you heard from him? Have you figured out what you're going to do with your stuff when you move in with your dad? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 I don't really think about Tyler, to be honest. I wonder occasionally how he's doing, usually if I pass by his work (not often). Sometimes I'll be talking with a friend about previous sexual escapades and I'll talk about things we've done; but really, I have no bad feelings of that relationship. I haven't heard from or seen him since we broke up. In regards to my stuff - I really don't have a whole lot. I'm getting rid of my couch. I have my TV stand and end tables that can go in my dad's back porch, which is enclosed and air conditioned. Everything else, like my bedroom furniture, will just be moved from one bedroom to another bedroom. My kitchen supplies are not expansive - they can still be used at my dad's house, except I'll pack away my dishes. I have no other furniture other than the previously mentioned items. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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