Musings

[luxurylover]

Today's update

 

Feeling a bit better today. However I notice my anxiety has flare up again. I felt horrible at a client's home today. Fortunately it was a short stint. I felt tired, woozy, edgy.

 

Rick and I text today. A quick chat this eve. Mon is his bday. Sat night he's going to gamble on a gambling boat cruise. I think he's probably going to be near one during his drop off for truck driving. On my bday he took me out. It's weird cause I don't even think of asking him if he wants to go somewhere for his bday. Isn't that weird? anyway it's mainly cause I don't want him to "feel pressured"into going somewhere with me. I told him I'd never invite him out again and meant it.

 

Odd how when his friends ask him to go somewhere it's just an invite but when I do it he feels "pressure".

 

I woke at 5a last night and decided to put up a personal ad on plenty of fish. Something I said I wouldn't do. At least not on the men's side. After Rick I just can't deal with online dating guys. Have to weed thru too many kooks. I put one up in woman seeking woman. I'm bi. I was thinking maybe I'll find a new friend if nothing else. I need something to take my attn away from Rick

[luxurylover]

7Am thoughts

 

I have updates but I'll post them later. I woke at 7a ...Last night i started feeling down. If u keep with my journal u probably already know y. Sometimes I'm ok sometimes not. I started thinkingabout how I feel past year and a half with Derek has been a waste of time. and what was the point of it we put in all that time just to come where we are now. I got really sad thinking about it. I thought at the very least I would have a friend but I don't even have that...at least I don't feel like I do.I haven't seen him can a month now we talk here and there I and we text but not like we used to pretty much everyday though. But the depth of the conversations &n the interaction is changed. What was the point

[luxurylover]

Oops...

 

P.s.....in my journal i call Rick , Derek sometimes....they're the same person....sometimes i forget to use the fake name and by this point i don't care anyway

[luxurylover]

x-mas update

 

Xmas was "ok". im not a holiday person. i got chad gifts that id already given him, candy , shoes, and some knick knacks. i saw him on the 26th. that was nice.

 

rick was supposed to come pick up his gifts on xmas. i offered to mail them but he insisted hed see me before then, which never happened. he's so flaky. xmas he got caught up w/ his mom which is understandable, but i cant remember the last time i saw him. he says he has a gift for me. i got his mom: a bath gel set, and two little angel statues from the dollar store but theyre real good quality. his sis i got 2 velvet coloring art thingys, a word find book, and a bath set (she's mentally disabled and enjoys word finds, coloring, etc). for him i got a card with lotto tickets inside, and a bomber coat and hat...he doesnt have a winter coat...why i dont know but he needs one badly.

 

get a load of this...

 

rick's guy "friends" not stood him up on his birthday, but only one text him merry xmas on xmas day (and he owes rick $150 from years ago and has avoided re-payment), and rick text them. he says he's going to cut them off but we will see. i keep wondering why he jumps when they say go but if i say let's do something its "pressure and expectations'

 

i feel like i am his only real friend. with the exception of maybe ONE of his other guy friends he mentions. but he's too stupid to realize that. last night he had the nerve to call me complaining about how he wasnt invited to his friend carlos' New year's party. he kept going on and on about how his other guy friends knew about it but not him. so i said 'yeah i know how it feels to be left out'. --hinting about how he doesnt invite me to anything except rarely. next time he bring that up i will say that directly though. he put so much stock and effort into his guy friends. it actually sickens me cause i see that they, for the most part, arent really good friends.

 

i can count the times he told me about stuff he did with his guy friends and didnt do it with me or left me sitting there:

 

1. july 4th bbq celebration

2. his bday where he stayed home and sulked cause his guys stood him up even though he knew i was available.

3. going out to a local bar that's right around the corner from me with a guy friend but not inviting me until i mentioned that i would have liked to join them and then inviting me at the last min: which i turned down...i dont want a charity invite plus i needed time to get ready...

4. i could go on and on but ill stop

 

the nerve of him to call and complain to me about his friends neglecting him when he does the exact same thing to me

[luxurylover]

New Years Eve guess who looked like a fool...

 

So as you saw in a previous entry, Rick wasn't invited to his friend Carlos party but he was going to go anyway. so on New Year's Eve he went there uninvited like a fool and Carlos said hi and a few pleasantries to him at the door and never spoke to him again the whole night. There were a bunch of people at the party. even Carlos wife did not speak to rick. Then rick finds out that one of the biggest problems between him and his other friends is that olin (another "friend") is going behind rick's back and telling mutual friends what rick is saying about them.

 

This person olin never sounded like a friend to me. he has done many things that rick has told me about that made me think this. I did not call rick Saturday I did not call him Sun. he called me Sun evening. He did not text me Saturday or text me sun either until the call that evening...you know I don't want him to think I want a relationship or that I'm putting pressure or expectations...

 

The thing that kills me is and kind of hurts my feelings is that he will jump oceans and skyscrapers for the friends that I'm telling you about but if I invite him even just to go eat at IHOP it's like I'm putting pressure expectations and he acts all funny. It's like he wants to deal with me on his time or something. he still haven't even come to pick up his Christmas gift and give me mine.

 

...it saddens me. He won't even call me his girlfriend but he will jump hoops and holes for these stupid guys. He didn't even want to go to the haunted house again with me like we did last year but yet he will practically break his neck to get to a party wasn't even invited to an end up getting treated poorly anyway serves him right

[luxurylover]

double standards...

 

a few days ago rick and i were on the phone, i said some sexy comment about needing some sex. he said "well , you been acting funnY". i said how. he said "not calling me (on weekend)", he said it in a playful voice but i know he was for real. i said 'oh but isnt that what u wanted?...im just giving u what u want'. then he says "ok you guys go have a nice cleaning" i was going to work with co worker. i kept talking saying "im just giving u what u asked for. u want no expectations and pressure, this is what it looks like". he was like mm hmm. it didnt help that my friend D was laughing in the background cause he knows the back story. lol

 

it amazes me that when i dont contact him on sat and sun im "acting funny". but when he did the same thing to me he was "busy" and me bringing it up was over the top. and "have we got to talk everyday". "what youre talking about sounds like a relationship" blah blah blah.

 

...double standards.

 

then we were talking last night about our first crushes. i mentioned mine from 13. he said 'u still got his number'? i was like...20 years later?....seriously? no. but i thought: if i did have it what does that matter, we're "not in a relationship".....

[Case_1983]

How's everything going LL?

[luxurylover]

I'm back. Updates

 

Well after some years here i am again. Im not dealing with any of the ppl (as far as dating) that I mentioned on the previous journal entries except for Chad, we're still together. So much has happened (not with chad) in my personal life i dont even know where to begin.

 

In the past few years chad and I have been in an open relationship which i love. i stopped seeing "rick" long ago. He still texts me here and there but I dont reach out to him, all my feelings for him are gone.

 

I've had a few exeriences dating and relationships outside of chad (which he's fine with , he still travels for work all the time). most of them were with Women, as I am bi. the majority of them did not turn out well. but the last one was eye opening for myself.....

 

i am about me now. no more codependency...ive been attending counseling now for years and it has helped greatly. the last relationship opened my eyes and now i am about self love to the fullest.

 

i still love, but those who deserve my love and respect me (chad). now i am still learning and growing but in a much better place than i was.

 

however i still have my challenges. In nov, 2019 my mother passed away suddenly. we were very very close. everything in my life has seemed surreal since then, and covid/current political and social climate are not helping. i lived with her and now (at 36) i got my very first place alone. im actually doing well, i work in my yard and garden which i love.

 

but...here i am. why? well, i have been isolating since covid. i do interact with ppl sometimes , but try to not have friends etc at my home because of the covid risk (im somewhat high risk with HBP). I'm lonely. VERY lonely....

 

I swing now. yes, as in swinger (sex). Ive always been a VERY sexual person with a very very high sex drive and one of my sex buddies introduced me to a swinger club and ive been all in since then. until recently because of the pandemic....

 

well i smoke weed now (for my anxiety). it helps A LOT. i smoke everyday but always handle my business etc that i have to take care of that day. recently ive found myself drinking more (almost everyday) than normal. ive never been a heavy drinker. i could have a bottle of smirnoff and it last for 4 months. now?.....

 

i still do my counseling VIA video chat. now i go to THREE counselors. my personal one , a group for anxiety/dep once a week, AND now a week/alcohol group every week--this one is new.

 

im not stopping my weed use . it is the first thing to really keep my anxiety at bay. my alcohol consumption i cant explain. i dont get drunk, sometimes a lil tipsy. im not going to lie, i like to get f__ed up and invite a sex buddy over and just escape it all. i ALWAYS play safe, but other than that i really like to get wild. honestly i dont even know if imma go into everything im feeling right now. i dont like to feel anything anymore. i dont want to get involved with my sex buddies , PERIOD. i never really did but id feel lonely...like now...and it would be easier for them to get into my personal life because i was vulnerable.

 

I just don't wanna feel. I dont even think ive fully processed my mom's passing, and honestly every time i really think about it (her death, not her in general and the good times) my mind automatically gets horny, switches over to sex, or i go smoke or drink. even right now as i type this sentence my mind started moving to thinking about porn.

 

The things i do allow myself to feel are: loneliness. feeling like im about to f__k things up or feeling like kinda a failure/underachiever.

 

I feel like im just rambling here and i guess that's ok. im also unable to work right now due to covid concerns and im waiting to hear back from unemployment...i got my letter saying i could be approved but have not heard anything or gotten anything in my bank acct. my financial concerns are great. i do have savings but dont wanna eat them all away. so far they are sustaining me : for now.

 

my mind is everywhere. lately it's been hard to sleep. ive felt worried more than usual and i find myself clenching my teeth, like im anticipating something.

 

Now this leads me to my friends. my closest friends, not including my boyfriend chad, call me and i swear they just call to hear themselves talk. not all are like that but most. i feel like ive written about this same thing in my journal before! the other night i was on the phone with a friend that tends to go on and on and not listen and i was tipsy, and let me tell you i opened up...told him u want me to open up but when i do , you dont listen. well, he shut up to actually hear me that time. it felt nice.

 

I'll write more later...

[luxurylover]

Venting (warning possible triggers)

This is just gonna be rambling. mainly to get it off my chest. Advice isn't really wanted.

 

Where do I start? I hate my life. Things are a mess. Im in dull pain almost everyday i just dont talk about it. pain in my left side, two CT scans done and nothing. Dr said colonoscopy is next step. my mind races about what it could be. could be nothing but still im in pain.

 

i live alone in a big house. i love my house and im thankful for it but im so lonely sometimes. i dont think it's the size. i would feel the same in a one bedroom apartment. im isolating a lot because of the pandemic.

 

also because of that im doing uber eats and it sucks. bad. low money.

 

every day i think about ending things. there's not a day that goes by now that that thought doesn't enter my mind. i have two guns at my disposal. i never go thru with it. i start thinking, but who would look after my cat and my other pet. what about my things (cause it's just me).

 

some days im ok but lately it's been VERY BAD. mostly financial worries. and the US gov has let it's citizens down in a BIG way. no help at all for the weary. oh well.

 

some days i drink but not lately it helps me sometimes. i also smoke "green" but haven't had money to do that. it kept me calm.

 

im in counseling. been in it for years. they gave me medication and i stopped didnt like the feeling. zombie like. i go every week virtually.

 

my boyfriend of 9 years is a trucker. he's gone a lot. i think i spoke about that in the prev post. it hurt my feelings when he said he wanted his own place and not to move in here when he gets a local job, whenever the fk that will be. probably never. i gave up on us. we're open rltnshp anyway so it's fine.

 

my usually high sex drive is at 0.

 

today was especially hard.

 

ive gone thru all my savings and my inheritance from my mom who passed away last nov. i miss her and think about her daily.

 

i feel like a f*ck up. like i f--k up everything. i know that's not true but i do mess up A LOT.

 

the few friends i have , they try to comfort me but mind you i dont tell them everything. i can't tell them all this. when i do breach the subj it's "itll get better"

 

i know they're just trying to help but in my mind im like when? ive felt like this for awhile and it's only getting worse. sometimes i feel it's a losing battle.

 

i daydream sometimes about finding someone to spend time w. only thing is my trust is low. my circle is small. plus the whole pandemic. even without Covid, as far as men go i dont have good luck w/ them so i usually just keep it sexual. i dont feel like they're attracted to me for relationship reasons. maybe im generalizing but im not an "avg" girl. tomboyish.

 

ever since Rick (from before in my journal) i have been leary about this. i was before, but now even more so. I am bi so im open to ladies but with the pandemic. ugh.....

 

very very lonely. at night i pretend someone is holding me and i hold one of my pillows. i know, it's sad. sometimes i tear up when i think about it...like now.

 

my support system sucks.

 

i feel alone. my mom told me years ago that even when she passes she will always be there with me, and i always think of that :) .....but even still physical companionship or even just a friend around to say hey im here, let's sit together etc is non existent.

 

i do have one friend i can sit with but covid, and hes a bit self centered. well meaning but self centered and in La la land.

 

....then i think about my goals. esp career ones. they seem so far away. i started one in the last few months. i will admit, im easily discouraged when i see all the competition, or an obstacle.

 

i am my own cheering squad and my arms are tired from being the only one waving the pom poms. my BF supports me but it's different cause he's not physically here and hardly ever is. and: i feel backburner with him. like im not a priority. his GF is his job and ive accepted that.

 

i dont even care about hardly anything anymore. i just pay my bills, take care of my pets, and my home.. the one thing i do still is exercise at home. and i do enjoy working in my yard. that's it. i used to enjoy sex alot but like i said my drive has gone down in last few wks. cause im very depressed.

[luxurylover]

Updates at 9:41 pm. Had company and then heard from the Food Stamp office

 

I worked most of the day doing uber eats. And i had a friend over, a woman I know from a club I used to frequent before covid hit so hard. We were masked up. It felt nice to have company over. Most of the time I'm isolated. Even pre covid. I cooked, we talked. it was nice. I'd had a bit of a stressful day just trying to squeeze everything in but the company was really great.

 

Then this happened after she left:

 

A few entries ago I spoke about waiting on unemployment. It took them two months to tell me I didnt qualify. I was beyond depressed. If id heard back sooner I couldve made some moves, been disappointment, but had more time to figure things out. But i sat in limbo for two months not knowing what to do I guess there was a backlog from Covid.

 

I hate the US gov.

 

Today, I heard back from the food stamp office , I am approved:

 

I get $21 whole dollars a month.

 

Well, at least it didnt take as long to find out. Honestly at this point Im so used to disappointment that it didnt even really affect me.

 

I have a temp job that pays a decent amount an Hr, but my background check is taking forever.

 

My sleep has been so choppy. Ill sleep at like 11 pm, then wake back up at say 3am and won't doze back off til 6 something (for example). Wake up at around 10 am-ish. I feel like crap. That's been for about 4 days str8 now.

 

Things are really rough. Dont know what else to say. May type more later. Thanks for listening.

[luxurylover]

Thinking about "life" at 9:44 pm

 

This is a ramble. not looking for advice tho you're welcome to read. most of the advice i see on this site makes me feel worse and like s--t. although I have made a few nice contacts/friends on here previously. but ppl are very mean. that's why i keep to myself. even online. i don't trust ppl. but i do trust them to be mean.

 

*************************

 

There's got to be more than life to this. I heard Tony soprano on the sopranos say to Dr melfi in an episode 'I know life is a gift but has it got to be socks?'. That stuck with me. Hell, at least Tony could pay his bills, even if it were by shady means.

 

Honestly Im tired of it all. burned out. drained, lonely, and tired. I have physical energy (most of the time), I just don't have mental energy to "hang in there". no more strength for the inevitable "it'll get better" day whenever the f--k that is.

 

Tired of this hateful, selfish world. Tired of this ass of a U.S. president. f-----g tired.

 

Even without all that, even without covid I struggle.

 

Please.....no "someone else has it worse". of course they do. my heart goes out to them as I hate bad situations and struggle. but my goodness. am i supposed to ignore a broken leg because someone else has TWO broken legs?

 

I think this is the darkest my journal has ever been. maybe i'm wrong. before i remember just posting about dating issues, etc. now......sh-t has really hit the fan. things are real bad.

 

im alone and im tired. oh well. ive run outta stuff to say.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're struggling and I'm sorry about what you assume people will respond with. I hope you get some pleasant surprises about the type of input you get. What helps me tons is getting outside every day at sunrise -lately it's before because I can't be back much later than 7:30am. It's just like a painting with the sky's colors and the trees in the park. I work out at that time so I need all the motivation I can get to work myself hard that early in the morning and the natural artwork helps so much. It helps my soul. i hope tomorrow is better for you.

[luxurylover]

Hi, thx for replying. I remember your username from ages ago when I used to come on here more. i see youre still active.

 

ty for your suggestions and kind words. when i had time to sit on my back porch and watch nature (it faces some woods) i was so much calmer. i get the nature thing. now i dont have time cause of work and too the weather is colder. I workout as well and that helps but despite what i do it always seems to come back. especially right now, financial woes. i can handle everything better if my basic financial needs are covered.

 

unfortunately not much has changed since that last post. yes, i have had some happy and fun moments where i've felt good. but mostly just "meh" or similar to the above.

[luxurylover]

Today was a trying day.

 

I am really having a hard time this month getting my bills together. Im going to have to pawn a few things tomorrow, don't like the thought of that but at least I have an option.

 

also, i was in a social situation today, ended up coming off awkward for lack of a better term. like i didn't "fit". that's happened a couple of times recently. i don't consider myself necessarily socially awkward but these few times were. All that affected my day as well. sometimes i keep to myself because im not a ppl person, very much an introvert. and in general i dont like or trust ppl. i know there are good ppl out there it's just weeding thru to get to them is exhausting.

 

I felt like i had a gray cloud over my head the whole day. I still do honestly. been very down on myself today. new negative self talk phrase, calling myself a "f--k up". i feel like i mess a lot of life stuff up. I mean i had a perfectly good start and "nest egg" to start off w/ and what did i do? blow it. now im pawning stuff. partly that's the fault of the pandemic too. blew thru my savings but i couldve been more productive too. so i also partly blame me. anyway, been thinking about that all day. told two ppl how i feel. really been thinking about a lot lately.

 

im dating someone new, a woman that we will call "Sue". she's come over a couple of times, masked up. i dont feel like it'll go further than where it is and im ok with that. i enjoy her company. not too much to say about it because we just started dating. i met her at a club i used to frequent, she works there.

 

so tired from the day i can't really articulate. it's funny cause when i was heading home i was thinking of all the things i want to get off my chest here, now that im in front of the keyboard i feel kinda tired. i put up Xmas decor (a bright spot) the other day and the glow from the xmas lights in this room is so soothing and relaxing.

 

oh....also ive been drinking a lot more than usual and smoking you know what (not cigarettes) a lot more than usual. every night for a while now. im a heavy smoker but a drinker , no. occasionally has turned into every night for awhile now. not a lot in one night but enough.

 

i also finally came to a realization last night, that i am a (low level) sex addict....i think. still on the fence about this one but i feel like i am. oddly i dont have an issue with this. unlike some examples i read about it doesnt disrupt my everyday life, i still have other interests. I don't know maybe im not. im far less active sexually right now because of covid. so i've replaced it with XXX. when i come home from work at night that's my life now. come home, smoke, (maybe) drink, watch xxx. i do watch other things too but...

 

anyway im getting a lil tired now. thx for reading.

[luxurylover]

A Better Day, but...

 

(just venting)

 

yesterday i had a good day financially, not great but better. I pawned one of my jewelry items so that helped and i had a good day at work.

 

Weds night Sue came over. Earlier that day I felt really depressed, like a Fk up. I still do. But...that night Sue , the woman im dating (very casually) , came over. Id shared a lil with her about me feeling down. Well, she said she had a surprise. She came over with a Xmas tree :) Pre lit artificial tree. id told her the other day i put up my xmas decor in the house and i didnt have a tree but that was ok. So she brought me one. She also bought me dinner. ...this is new for me because w/ women im usually the dominant and i pay for dinner etc etc. I was so happy. We had a great time. We played video games and talked, etc. I was too tired to put up the tree but she made me feel much better. Just to feel like someone cared enough...

 

...but it's crazy because im putting my guard up. I like her but i dont wanna get serious...im scared. I am in an open relationship, non monogamous. I still have my BF chad. he's over the road trucker so I dont see him a lot but we talk everyday. Now we've been together for 10 yrs and the last few yrs have been long dist. But that's not what this is about. This is about me being scared. and also my feelings of inadequacy. Sue is already pointing out how it seems like I dont trust her. --and i dont. thing is i dont fully trust anyone. except for my mom who passed away last year. I do trust people but never 100% because ppl are human. The person i trust most behind my mom is my BF but that took time. And also some of my extended family. I , like many ppl, have had some horrible relationships and im really burnt out at 37. i already see some incompatible red flags with her. nothing serious i just think our personalities would clash at times.

 

...Anyway, one of my friends brought up the social gaffe that i made the other day (mentioned in the last post) and he was poking fun at me about it. i know he didnt mean any harm but it made those same feelings pop back up. and now, this morning, i am back to this journal feeling a lil depressed, inadequate, and like i Fk everything up. esp social stuff. part of it is i dont hide who i am , im just me. so i dont try to come off "cool" or "fit in"...or modify myself for others. but im always respectful. i told him that. i said i dont modify myself for the comfort of others i live my life for ME. .....in my head that's absolutely true and i do that. but, also in my head i felt stupid, and like "the Fk up". like, here you go again, Fk-ing something up. "negative self talk". I go to my counselor next week online video and ill bring it up to her. yesterday i felt good. but this morning i woke up and was a lil depressed again. i feel like ppl take me as a joke, in certain situations. I'm not always perceived how i want to be and i know you cant control how ppl see you but it's still frustrating. i think cause im a free spirit some ppl don't take me seriously (in social situations, not business and professional. im fine there).

 

I was just drinking my coffee, waking up for the day and started feeling low again. im even tearing up a lil. i don't know where all this is coming from. i really think it's not just financial and it's being triggered by that social situation. bringing up old feelings. ive always been an introvert , but another big reason i keep to myself is because im afraid things like that will happen. so i just have lost the desire to be social over the yrs and almost every time i try it's a regret. not EVERY time, but a lot.

 

Overall i feel inadequate and like a loser that messes almost every opportunity up. Financially, socially, and sometimes work too. I think many ppl begin to asses their life when they're approaching 40. Outside of that i feel good about everything else. Im a decent human being and im proud of that. but accomplishment wise, relationship wise, and socially i feel like a big thumbs down. i was telling one of my friends the other day i just give up on everything. i still maintain some type of friendships and light dating (like Sue) but at this point im just like, whatever happens , happens as long as im respected. tired of setting goals and being dissapointed :(

 

Been having some dark thoughts lately. I was happy when Sue was here and it even lasted into Thurs, but today...waking up feeling stupid. like still the awkward 10 y.o. that innocently says whatever's on her mind. maybe it's not me and it's others...maybe i'm "too real" for this world because i dont wear a mask or hide who am i. And i can tell you that im not changing that. it's a fact that im proud of. im me wherever i am , again, without hurting others or being rude, but just true to myself. im not ashamed nor sad about that, it's the ridicule and rejection i feel from being like that that gets me down sometimes. regardless , it can hurt and be lonely to be like this. Lately it's been happening a lot.

 

...like i decided to join some groups on facebook. nothing serious, one was a women's group, and another was a celebrity fan group for a singer i like. ---I got kicked out of 3 groups. really for nothing. in one i asked an innocent question -kicked out, for example. i know youre probably thinking im leaving something out but nope. totally innocent behavior got me booted. not 1, not 2, but 3 groups. so im just falling back from everything. i just dont fit anywhere. then the recent incidents in my social life....

 

..just been having some really deep and dark thoughts. and when i say dark i dont nessecarily mean what usually comes to mind when ppl say that which has also been in my head , i mean thoughts like , isolation. just keeping to myself cause im a loser, etc. negative self talk thoughts. i hate that but it's my current coping technique...stick to yourself honey, it's easier that way.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're feeling down. Maybe the alcohol and nicotine exacderbates that since it so negatively affects your overall health? I don't think it's about being "too real" nor do I think people wear masks other than for covid -I believe people have different boundaries and comfort levels and it's my obligation as a fellow human being to respect others' needs for space whether physical or personal. I don't find people who let it all hang out more "real" - it depends why they are acting like that - someone who is very private and closed can be extremely genuine.

 

For example my niece came to our cousin's funeral many years ago so she could drive my sister there. Our cousin died young of cancer and I loved her so much and she was one of my best friends. My niece was 17 at the time. She sat next to me and said something like how we should be really happy that our cousin died because life is so hard anyway. No filter. No thought to whether I might be grieving and feeling awful and devastated that one of my best friends died, and died young. Was it rude? No, it was tactless though, and self-absorbed. So it depends why the person is choosing to speak her mind, the context, the timing. So keeping certain things to yourself is not wearing a mask - it can be- it can also be a choice to want to give to others -to give other respect and care and thoughtfulness. To me that makes you more real - a person who wants others to feel comfortable around you. Do you want that or do you prioritize letting it all hang out? Just something to think about.

 

I'm sorry those FB groups didn't work out! I hope you feel better soon.

[luxurylover]

Hi there, i dont smoke tobacco. im sorry that your cousin passed away and That's horrible what the young lady said. how thoughtless and tactful. and nothing could be further from my behavior. What i meant was being "real" as in true to one's self without hurting others. for instance, if i feel i want to go say hello to someone to try and make a new social connection i can do that. instead of being like "well, i do wanna go say hi, but ppl may think im being too forward" etc etc insert other thoughts. I meant harmless things. most ppl do wear masks to protect themselves emotionally or to be socially acceptable and that's understandable to a point. but many ppl i have encountered are "fake". not all but many. for purposes of what i was talking about though, i meant im too real like , ppl are so used to someone having an agenda or there being "more to it" but then encounter someone like me where what you see is what you get and they dont know how to take it..it must be something else cause no one is like that (type thinking). i hope that makes it more clear. im a private and quiet person, but "real".

 

ty for your well wishes.

[Batya33]

Oh. I don't feel that way about people -it sounds kinda cynical. I've met fake people for sure. But I don't assume people are fake or wearing a mask -with a negative reason/connotation. I don't just say hi to someone because I feel like it because I also take into account timing/context/my motives. For example I feel more needy lately because of all the social isolation but I also don't want to get too chatty with the cashier because I'm needy. So if I restrain myself I'm not being fake, just tactful/thoughtful, IMO. When I was pregnant a stranger -a woman -approached me one night in the supermarket and said in a friendly way "can I ask you a personal question -how far along are you?" You know what - she probably wanted to make a connection, it was a harmless question and I felt intruded on - I was exhausted, waddling along after work just needing to get home and eat and put my feet up. No, I didn't feel like being subjected to a personal question about my body even though pregnant women often look cute/approachable -I did. I wish she'd thought about social etiquette and restrained herself because it was annoying for me to respond "No I'm not interested in answering" or something like that.

 

Definitely say hi to strangers in contexts where it is expected. Especially now with covid I want no one in my personal space unless it's absolutely essential like a health care provider or similar. I think there is fake and there is "socially acceptable" and I'd rather risk not saying hi than being intrusive. Which is why I did so much volunteer work in person and went to so many singles events, religious organization gatherings, professional events -where it was expected to mingle with strangers. And yes at times I approached a stranger to say hi and was approached where it was totally fine. But I didn't do it on impulse -I thought of making sure the other person would feel comfortable around me. JMHO!!

 

If you smoke anything it's unhealthy IMO unless your medical doctor told you to of course!

[luxurylover]

Something about mornings...although yesterday was better

 

something about mornings where i feel my depression is worse at that time of day. my house cat is upset that there's a stray that wanders into the backyard. i feed it. so my cat makes all kinds of lil whining noises etc and recently ive been waking up every day at 8am because of the noise. my sleep is trash right now, that's not helping. im sick of them cats lol.

 

after waking i started thinking about how i need to isolate again. i need to withdraw back away from ppl. it's how i was anyway. some ppl of course i will still interact and talk to, but basically withdrawing. protection mode. definitely not sharing any of my business. i will talk etc on here, this is different.

 

...sidenote, i was texting with a casual friend of mine. he also has anxiety/dep and we were discussing how it's been affecting him, and me too. he was saying how much he wants to find a woman. for whatever reason, im not an option. i find it odd that ppl can speak so casually about how they're all alone and want a date etc yet there's someone in front of them (so to speak) that they could have for that. we have hung out and been intimate. im assuming he doesn't see me like that, which is fine. it's a curiosity though. reminds me of Rick (from awhile back in my journal). he used to talk like that and i would wonder. it's fine cause i havent been too keen on dating men since Rick. tired of weeding thru to see whos abusive and crazy and whos not. i still have absentee Chad so whoopie. i give up on all that anyway.

[luxurylover]

i agree about smoking but it's the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane right now. keeps my anxiety at bay too.

 

i was being social at a club, and almost everytime i try to step out of my box it ends poorly. see stories like yours and my experiences is that ppl don't truly want to be bothered. so i let them come to me. it's another reason im shutting down again. im going back to the old me, like i said in my latest post. unless it's something important , ppl wont hear from me nor will i initiate convo (with strangers). even in a social situation, club, party, etc where it would be expected.

 

im definitely not one of those ppl like that lady in the grocery store. that irritates me when ppl come up to me when it's not a social situation. like just random ppl coming up trying to talk u to death.

 

i was a shy and introverted child and im not shy any more but im still an introvert. i only approach ppl to be social in actual social situations, party, club, work, etc etc. but, you know i dont think that works for me so im going to put my shell up. if someone comes to me, that's fine but im done going up to ppl for now. something very bad happened to me the last time i did that , i didnt go into it here but just know that it was a mess.

 

im actually a very quiet and reserved person but , stupid me, said "try something new!". i never know what ppl are thinking, what day they're having, or any of that. really nobody does , that's why i just keep to myself. havent had very good interactions with ppl. don't have a very good view of ppl. hard to explain. i know there's good out there, of course there is , just tired of weeding thru. very tired. plus it's hard when youre "different" somehow. everyone's different from everyone else but i mean , "different different". different from social norms in the society youre in. for ex, if youre lgbt but the community you live in isnt accepting of that, it's going to be harder for you there. that's just one example.

 

oh it's all so exhausting

[Batya33]

Like I said if you are in a context where socializing is expected then yes. But being in a club is tricky - people around you might react because they chose to drink and might be buzzed or drunk -and you might be affected by your smoking. I think being different is fine. Your self-medicating might be affecting your perspective and your ability to interact in a positive/successful way. I love socializing for the most part. I can tell from energy and vibes when someone is negative/has a negative vibe/overly suspicious and that is not someone I'm happy to socialize with. By contrast being different is often a huge plus -I love being around quirky/smart/idiosyncratic people!