Musings

[luxurylover]

New news

 

all this happened a day or two ago:

 

 

speaking of jealousy me and rick just got off the phone. earlier i was doing some sexy talk with it and he loved it. well he was at a warehouse getting his truck unloaded and had mentioned how there were all female workers and they were all in his face. so i didnt say anything and we talked about other stuff. we went back to talking sexy. then he had to get off phone to do his paperwork , instead of saying that he says: "well lemme go back in here to get these women all excited" i was like "women excited? what?..." he was like 'i gotta go do my paperwork ill call u right back." when he did call back, i was super dry and just blah.

 

i didnt like that comment right after i was basically sexually laying myself on a platter for him and doing sexy talk. i know he was just talking...and probably trying to make me a lil jealous and feed his ego too...but still. i told my story about the kissing client because it was funny and also we'd been talking about how men get fresh sometimes earlier. anyway my face was hot and i was upset. i dont wanna hear about other girls in his face. just like he tells me "i dont wanna hear about u with other men from the past (etc)". he got back on phone w/ me and started being real nice and giving me compliments and talking to me real sweet....whatever, i was turned on but that went away quick with that lil comment. men can be so clueless. and i know they werent in his face that hard....let b clear, i find him attractive but if i didnt know his inside if i saw him on the street i wouldnt notice him. hes an older guy that's out of shape and needs a lil wardrobe help..he goes out looking any kind of way....i love him to death but im just keeping it real between u and me.

 

later in the convo he says , joking, "you don't love me...." my eyes popped open. then he said " you only love me for my pimp juice" , a line from that song. only nelly says you only WANT me for my pimp juice....personally i think that was a save. ...at least that's what id like to think. im just ready for him to say it.

 

then follow that with him talking about his tank top, which he calls wife beaters...he said, joking, "you gonna be my wife so i can beat you?" (he meant sexually)....still...

 

then he said "girl your mom and grandma never got married , you gotta get married and break the cycle."

 

i dont know whether he's just talking or trying to see my reaction sometimes.....thoughhts?

[luxurylover]

when they don't call

 

(from yesterday) So my mind runs when they don't call. rick I mean. The last time I heard from him was yesterday eve at around 8p. That was a call...late last night I text him something silly, no reply. It's 10:30am , I know I'll hear from him but my question always is, what's going on when I don't. So u know my mind comes up with theories.

 

...Hes said "y didn't u call" when there r times like this...but I don't chase. I'll send a text....sometimes call.....and if I don't get a response I leave it alone. I was taught not to chase in behind a guy.

 

Also I get concerned cause he is on the road...but....

 

Then last wk he said his ex called him out the blue and he's so done with her blah blah blah. But this sparked a long convo. I can' tell he still upset with her and maybe even have a lil feeling left....I always say the opposite of love is indifference, not hate. He said he doesn't want sex with her cause she's boring n bed and doesn't want to b with her cause she likes to argue....ps this is where the perfect woman convo sparked from.

 

....but in my head I'm like...ok 2nd night in a row we haven't had our reg night convo. Is she filing the spot on the phone? I can't help but wonder. U know how the mind is.

 

(today)

 

for the past 3 nights rick and I haven't had our nightly chat. Mon night at 11:38p I text him a funny text. He didn't reply till ,11a and said "hey I just woke up"--he was on the road, trucking. Ok fine....but yesterday eve he said "I'll call u tonight when u get situated in the truck: that never happened

 

Used to b we'd talk for hrs every night almost....Changes in pattern raise my eyebrow. I'm not asking for hrs chatting but still. I haven't reached out at night cause I wanna c what he does.

 

During our convos his voice sounds different lately...dry...n even tired. but the content is good . He's booking the hotel for our trip....but....still .

 

...oh yeah i forgot to mention, im going out of town to see a concert in the fall and i was talking about it on the phone with rick. well he got all excited and invited himself along. we already bought the tickets. and he's booking the hotel , which btw he's paying for. hes very excited about it. we also have our outlet mall trip planned for july...his idea too. so we will see.

[luxurylover]

Thoughts and my July 4th

 

this is going to sound like ramblings but i need to talk this out. for my international readers, july4th is usa independence day for those that didnt know...ok now on to my ramblings:

 

weds me and rick met up. sex was good, everything was fine.

 

thurs chad (my bf im in open rltnshp with) and i were supposed to meet up but i got sick so we ended up not meeting. i was bummed about that. but he understood.

 

fri i didnt see rick but we talked on the phone. i knew he was going to a bbq on sat at one of his (few) friends house. id know this since earlier in the week. other people would be there so it wasnt just a small "with the guys" type gathering. at first i didnt think anything of it but then for some reason it started to bother me. it didnt really hit me until thurs or fri. i esp thought he would invite me after i told him one of my friends had cancelled plans with me for sat to watch fireworks and i was going to be alone. but it never happened.

 

fri night he came over, we had sex and from the moment he arrived i wasnt feeling it. i was not only tired from work but also had some anger towards him for not extending an invitation. he felt i wasnt into the sex.

 

sat, july 4th. hed spent the night and woke up and we were kissing and he started making little comments about how i was acting different but wouldnt elaborate. eventually i got it out of him that he said i was acting different sexually. i didnt give him oral like usual. really this mainly had to do with the fact that i was wiped out. he came over at 2am, im not sure what he expected. i told him this and we talked it out. i didnt, however tell him i was also angry about not being invited to the bbq. if im supposed to be one of his best friends ....it just seemed odd.

 

most of sat i was feeling down and alone. there were some fireworks near my home that i walked to go see, that was nice and pepped me up a lil but i still couldnt shake the feeling of why hadnt i gotten an invite. last year i had a bbq, i invited him and he ended up not coming. but he busted his ass to get to this one and ironically told me that it was boring once he got there. we text some sat and did keep in contact.

 

sunday (yesterday) i was still feeling upset. he called me and I brought it up again. After he told me how bbq went. He said it was actually boring. So I said I gotta be honest, I was wondering why u didn't invite me to the bbq if we're suppose to such good friends. Now I'm not saying ur under any obligation, but I was just wondering.

 

So he replied a smart ass answer first which is y I hate bringing things up. He said "it's nice not to be under obligation" in a smart tone. I said obviously ur not under obligation. ...this is why I hate bringing things up to u. (Yes, I said that to him). I said u blow things out of proportion and take them the wrong way.

 

Then he said well really I want to keep my business private from those guys. They think internet dating is dumb and I don't want them judging me and talking about u and being critical.

 

They know about me but I don't know how much.

 

We talked a bit more but really the whole thing left bad taste in my mouth. i havent thought about him sexually in awhile, which is odd. he's been doing things lately that have been turning me off.

[luxurylover]

hiding things behind jokes...

 

on fri night when rick was over we were joking around with each other, after one of my jokes he said "(my name) omg youve changed in the past two weeks".

 

now we were joking around so ordinarily i wouldnt have thought anything of it but the fact that he put a time frame on the end caught my attn. though it was said with a joking tone, it made me think...so later that night i asked him , have i really changed recently. he sidestepped and skipped around answering. i asked him, be honest, or was he just joking? ---he likes to push my buttons, another thing that is turning me off. so ultimately he said he was just talking, but threw in that ive been "short" with him lately.

 

the next morning and ever since then he's been saying things like "that's the new (my name), the old (my name) wouldve said so-and-so". and it's said like a joke. but has me wondering , is this for real or is he just picking at me. if it is for real he should bring up his concerns in a mature fashion. like yesterday, he said something, i said something back. he said "see, the old (my name) wouldve turned that into a sexual joke, this the new (my name)". its getting to the point where it's almost making me insecure and self conscious , though im trying to hide that. he keeps saying things like "you dont do sexy talk with me anymore"--but in the form of a joke. a LIE...i always do that. not every conversation but i do it.

 

and my thing is, he should ask himself has he been doing things to turn me on, or OFF, to receive sexy talk....

 

i think next time he says something like that i am going to say, ok enough, youve brought this up several times, in ur mind there has to be some truth to it, so just tell me.

 

ive never understood y ppl do things like that but expect for the other person to be a psychic. not bringing up the problem, just hiding it behind jokes and never bringing it up...

 

im dating someone with a victim mentality

 

sun we were on the phone together and everything was going fine then all of a sudden out of the blue he started that pity party s***. every now and then he will get on a "woe is me , nothing ever goes my way" bandwagon. I told him after a few moments I said I think you like to hear my pep talks and he said yes I do is there anything wrong with that? & I said there is nothing wrong with that, but the fact that you throw a pity party sometime just to hear me do it is wrong. I think that you fish for pep talk just like people fish for compliments.

 

The pity party wAs horrible he kept talking about how he couldn't make it and how. He was always working blah blah blah. Mind you he is the reason he is always working because he always take any load that they give him for the truck being greedy.

 

So he just kept going on and on and me being the kind of person I am I'm trying to pep talk him but I have realized I am going to have to go back to how I used to do and just had to be neutral and say things like oh no thats horrible yeah I understand. And not go any further because I really think he enjoys the attention he gets when he Whines.

 

let me tell you more and more day by day he is turning me off in little ways and I feel it. I couldn't even think of having sex with him right now if He were here naked in front of me. his mouth Ruins everything.

 

also, rick has a friend that is borderline extremist (about race issues) and I can always tell when he has been around This friend. because he'll start talking about different crazy ideas and its a real turn off.

 

I feel myself getting more and more turned off this is a dangerous place to be. for him. he has been bringing a lot of negative energy into my life lately and I really don't like that.

 

last night i looked up info about this type of behavior online and exactly as i thought he has a "victim mentality". an actual psychological problem where he seeks attention and "love" thru encouraging words and pity brought on by those little pity party speeches. the site said if i start agreeing that his life is hard then he'll stop. or just give neutral answers like "mmm hmm". last time i did this and it worked. i just gave neutral answers and he actually stopped and switched topics...

 

this person is draining

[luxurylover]

a lonely little day

 

just some random thoughts. i had a bad day at work last night. and i havent been right since. sitting at home alone. so bored.

 

i feel like im in a daze and i dont know why. just like a zombie. even though i have chad (not often) and rick (not officially) i feel alone. do i really have them? i have no official ties to rick.

 

my anxiety is acting funny a little today. probably because im sitting here doing nothing and sleepy. i feel empty

[luxurylover]

Someone is turning me off....

 

I don't know if I've said this before but recently rick has been turning me off. He will mention other females in passing. This is the same thing my ex doc did that turned my feelings off twds him. I want to feel like the only girl even if I'm not. A friend says he's probably doing it to make me jealous or get a reaction. Make himself seem desirable.

 

All it's doing is turning me off. Here's an example: the other day he mentioned a woman he'd talked to before he met me. She moved to marry aa guy out of state, that didn't work so she's moving back here and she text him out the blue to tell him this. ....I think we were talking about how ppl use you all back up plans: but why tell me this???

 

Another example: yesterday we were discussing rate drops from uber (a taxi type service), and he said "yeah I have a friend that recently got a new car and she was thinking about doing uber..." He has never mentioned this person before. I know all his real friends, they're guys.

 

This tells me he interacts with other girls and is probably still looking on those sites: total turn off. And we still don't have a title after a year...I see why...leaves him open to do whatever.

 

Last night I didn't talk to him on purpose ,, I told him "I won't be available to talk tonight, Imma be busy" but I didn't say doing what. I was trying to make his mind wonder....childish I know but I'm tired of other girls being mentioned. I'll say that too next time he does it .

 

I've always felt even if I am not the only girl, make me feel ikr it. I wanna feel special, not like one of many. I don't believe these r ppl he's talks to frequently, they just popped up out the blue. But still I think it feeds his ego. Six guys contacted my phone in the past two days but I'd never tell him that. It's tacky

[Case_1983]

hey ll. how's things?

[luxurylover]

hey ll. how's things?

 

 

hi case, well ive been kinda on a self imposed exile. working alot, thinking, and thinking some more. im about to do an update

[luxurylover]

Updates

 

recently i went on a trip to jamaica and stay in a beautiful luxury resort. i was there also for the wedding of my 1st cousin to his wife. the wedding was beautiful. the trip was what i needed. i felt peaceful. calm. free. no one asking for anything. no confusion. no drama. it gave me clarity.

 

that was a few weeks ago. now im back and it's been awhile since an update here. it's crazy cause i feel like im more open in this journal than i am with anyone.

 

 

So ....no new news really about rick. same old same old. but i grow tired. i want more. i looked at my cousins wedding and thought...i want that too. not necessarily a wedding, but at least a man that claims me. someone to have fun with and count on. yes, i do still have my (open) relationship with my BF of 5 yrs (in nov.). however he doesnt put in the time i feel i need. the other night i got really lonely. i mean REAL lonely. i was putting the pics from my vacation into my album and playing music. then i finished that. then it hit me out of the blue. it was such a feeling of "alone" that i began to tear up. rick was off at a guy friends house playing video games, chad was sleep from work at his home (as usual). ive begun to feel this feeling frequently. im also making a new change in my work life...a slight tweak. there are a lot of changes taking place with me mentally...i think when changes occur like that a lot of times you can feel alone. it's a new place to be.

 

Rick update

 

...Fri night i decided on a whim to go out to a gay (male) club that ive been to before. i like the music there and i like going to gay clubs, its a lot of fun and most of my male friends are gay. this time i went alone. so later that night i was also supposed to meet with rick, there was no definite time set (which i suggested we do but he likes to play it by ear). he went to a nearby bar where there's also a mini poker tournament at night. apparently he didnt do too well and got dropped from the game early. i was still at the club, he text me and said "take ur time im going to a friends house". meanwhile i was having a ball dancing and ppl watching. so during this time his friend put him out cause the friend wanted quiet time with his girlfriend, who was there as well.

 

...this is when i started to sense a slight attitude. he text me "where are you" ..a stupid text since he knew i was at the club. he even saw me at the club because i told him i was on the club patio earlier and he came to say hi briefly since the poker place is not far from there. anyway i didnt see this text til about ten min later, at which point another one came in where he said "im going home". it seemed like mr "take ur time" was getting impatient.

 

i felt no need to rush. plenty of times he has come into my home at 245 am and 3am after hanging out with his buddies till god knows when playing video games or visiting his DJ friend at a local strip club. i guess now he sees how it feels.

 

but there was no payback in my actions, i was genuinely having a good time and didnt wanna leave. understand that i NEVER go out so this was a nice treat for me. in retrospect i believe that's probably the issue...hes used to me sitting around doing nothing or working...available for him at any time damn near, and this time i wasnt....

 

so we didnt meet up and he went to sleep. Sat. i didnt call him and he didnt call me either which is unusual. he did text me saying hi and i text back. that was it until Sat night when he told me i was acting funny: thru text. so a text discussion ensued. i basically told him i was avoiding him to avoid possible drama because i sensed a slight atittude. he explained that he was wrong to expect me to drop my plans. i agree. but the funny thing is i still even today (sun) sense something "off".

 

you have to also understand that we're not even boyfriend and girlfriend. we're just kind of up in the air. undefined. my definition is F___k buddies. excuse the wording but that's basically it. f__k buddies that go out every now and then and talk on the phone alot. but he's always acting like it's more yet wont admit it.

 

....i could type all day about this, but ill stop here for now

[luxurylover]

Another update

 

Lately I've been so down. I hate my work (making change soon), my open rltnshp is trash, Rick is full of it, and I'm lonely cause my friends r here and there. Some friends call me not to talk with me but at me. Almost to hear themselves talk.

 

Rick and I went on our trip to the concert. It was o.k.. concert was great, I'll update about that later.

[luxurylover]

another update

 

 

I went to my first therapy session a few wks ago. I liked it. I go back soon. apparently I have two ppl that I will be seeing one is a dr. and the other a therapist. I enjoyed being able to talk about my issues etc and someone actually listen without interruption and genuinely no judgement. they know all about chad and rick and my childhood. the usual stuff. im ready to go back.

 

meanwhile ive been really depressed. last week I didn't work my main job at all. I just worked my side things. I layed in bed a lot. I think a lot of it has to do with rick...not all but a lot. like on weekends, I feel very left out. I almost feel like im someone to talk to to pass the time while he drives truck for work and then on weekends he's here he's all with his guy friends etc. and I feel like im off on the sidelines. I even invited him out to a haunted house like we did last yr but he said his $ was short. either way I feel sidelined. I told him this (in so many words) and he says he feels like he's interrupting me too like im hanging out with friends (though I have told him b4 im by myself for the most part). ive told him if he ever gets tired of his friend olan's house (the "friend" he hangs around EVERY weekend , wearing out his welcome) then he can come over here. ....but then he'll say "oh you didn't call me this wknd...u didn't return my call" blah blah blah

 

why are we still tip toeing around each other this far into this? I was very sad and lonely esp sun. it would've been nice to have some company

 

sat I spent with chad, it was nice but it was a lil pitiful, my mind kept wandering to rick. he called me while chad was there I couldn't answer and by the time I took chad home I came back home and fell asleep.

 

one good thing that's going on is my art. if I can just get the strength to get up and do it. I finished a statue that I drew out late last year in my idea book. I said, im going to start sculpting...something I always wanted to do. I have so many ideas in that book. chad saw the book and I showed him my sketches and he likes them a lot. I havnt shown rick...he reads a lot into things and can be judgemental. he's seen certain parts of the piece but not other parts. anyway the first statue that ive finished was inspired by how I felt when rick left me and when he came back earlier this year. and some other ppl in my past. im proud of it. at least something good came out of my heartache. I have more things I want to do it's just I have to find the drive. it's hard when youre down.

[luxurylover]

rick and his venting

 

about 30 min ago rick and i spoke. he was venting (as usual) on the phone with me about how depressed he is etc etc. well you know that made for a sunshine combo with me being depressed as well. but im not vocal about my depression (etc) with him or with too many other people. i told him about this. but i actually opened up a lil about how lonely ive been lately and the problems my anxiety poses when im trying to make new friends or be social. he was listening and acted decent (thank goodness).

 

before i started to open up i actually started to listen to him vent and felt a lil resentful of him. that he was able to vent to me so openly and freely. so i stopped in the middle of the convo and said "my god i wish i had someone to open up to and vent to the way you open up to me". and then went on about how maybe some of it is my fault because i close myself off. then i started to tell him about how lonely ive felt lately...

 

...well, you all know what i really wanted to say was "rick, youre one of the main reasons im lonely and depressed...lets chat about that shall we?" but i didnt...

[luxurylover]

curious reader survey

 

i see this journal has been viewed/read hundreds and hundreds of times. but i hardly ever get replies or comments. just curious and wondering why. are people reading it or just skimming? lurking, reading and not commenting? Im curious

[Case_1983]

I find your journal super interesting but never comment cause I have a lot of advice that is probably unwanted. My biggest questions are:

 

1) why stay with chad? Yes he is allowing you to have an open relationship but blocking you from getting a real committed relationship.

2) Rick sounds like he has one foot in, one foot out of the door.

 

Ps. You sound awesome which is why I don't know why you stick with these 2 half interested guys.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[luxurylover]

i was wondering if anyone was actually reading it.

 

well im glad u enjoy it, here are the answers:

 

1. chad: i do love chad. and hes a good guy. i feel like we r more friends than anything

 

2. rick is a hot mess. he's keeping me around because i do believe he cares but enjoys the freedom of keeping his options open. at least that's my opinion

[luxurylover]

I find your journal super interesting but never comment cause I have a lot of advice that is probably unwanted. My biggest questions are:

 

1) why stay with chad? Yes he is allowing you to have an open relationship but blocking you from getting a real committed relationship.

2) Rick sounds like he has one foot in, one foot out of the door.

 

Ps. You sound awesome which is why I don't know why you stick with these 2 half interested guys.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

i was wondering if anyone was actually reading it.

 

well im glad u enjoy it, here are the answers:

 

1. chad: i do love chad. and hes a good guy. i feel like we r more friends than anything

 

2. rick is a hot mess. he's keeping me around because i do believe he cares but enjoys the freedom of keeping his options open. at least that's my opinion

[Case_1983]

I just could never be in an open relationship. My mind would be running 100 miles an hour worrying about where my guy was lol.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Case_1983]

But you have explained previously that Chad is busy letting you date others takes the stress away from him, right?

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[luxurylover]

But you have explained previously that Chad is busy letting you date others takes the stress away from him, right?

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

He didn't say that. A friend of mine had that theory

[luxurylover]

Updates

 

I have so many but I just need to find the strength to get on here and spill the beans. For one I started counselling and that's going well. I'm still with Chad and Rick. Rick updates galore. Hopefully I'll update soon

[Case_1983]

Spill!!!!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[luxurylover]

Over the weekend

 

 

so this weekend i didnt hear from him much as i said in my last letter. saturday i text him "afternoon'" around 2p or so and a joke afterwards. then didnt hear from him til 7:30p when he replied: Hey child been budy today cleaning out storage. we got the garage now. I replied "k"

 

so then i didnt text him since he's "so busy". i dont hear another peep from him the whole weekend. sunday, nothing. this monday morning at 9am i awake to the following:

 

Rick: Lawd have mercy. Hi Ruthie (that's me).

 

Me; Hi

 

R: Hru?

 

Me: Fine

 

R: Cool beans. Me too

 

Me: Good.

 

Me: dissapearing Rick (a reference to a nickname i gave him on thursday when we had our talk cause he doesnt contact me as much sometimes on weekends)

 

R: Just taking care of business and living life.

 

Me: Ok.

 

Me: Since u taking care of business where's my $20 (he owes me)

 

R: I got you

 

Me: Ok

 

R: Fyi I wasnt being smart got a lot of in storage

 

Me: Oh ok

 

...so you mean to tell me the whole weekend , especially sunday, he was that busy that he couldnt even text a smiley face or something? But i bet he got on that phone to check fantasy football scores. he's religious about that on sunday.

 

 

He called and I sent him to voicemail with a "we'll talk later" text. i dont even know if i wanna fool with him anymore. usually ill hear from him at least a lil on the weekend and he knows it. if the situation was reversed i would be hearing about it right now....

[luxurylover]

On last thursday Rick and I had a big talk...

 

on thurs i told rick i feel like a sex buddy now more than a friend. he asked y , i told him i feel a distance between us. i feel not as close anymore. he was quiet and listened...didnt blow up: shocked at that. i made a note to say, im not trying to be in a relationship with you. cause i didnt want him to misunderstand. i told him , i see how u treat your friends (guys) and how you treat me and it's different. especially on weekends. i said we didnt used to be like this. he said but youre a special friend...a friend that has more priviliges. i was like ..."special " friend...that's a new one.

 

interestingly at the end of the convo he kinda mumbled, "you dont want me". i said what do you mean i dont want you? you mean as a friend? he said "no, i mean as a boyfriend or your husband" ....i was shocked at this. i said let me tell you "i wouldve been your girl if youd asked me but you always said you werent ready for a relationshp. and made such a big point of that so i never seriously considered you. i said, as for husband i wouldnt mind being married one day. but we arent even in a real rltnshp yet so i cant answer that. "....then he said "what about kids" (cause i always said i im not a kids person). i said if i were married do you really think if we were in a good financial position that i would deny a man a child? i wouldve had doc's (an ex) child if we had married with no hesitation.

 

after this convo his voice changed it was like he had some pep in his voice. he perked up.

 

Counseling etc (some of this repeats from a previous post)

 

so that same day i went to my counselor. we talked alot about rick and chad too. she said she feels that he is emotionally abusive from what i told her. we went over some signs on a chart she had. it was really eye opening. he gaslights me , i term i hadnt heard that she explained to me. and a few other signs. after we talked about it i immediately saw what she meant.

 

yesterday he didnt text me or call and it was 2p. (sat). so i reached out by saying "afternoon". then i told a lil joke afterwards, which is my nature. he didnt text me back until 7 something that night talking about "hey child, i was cleaning out my moms storage room cause we finally got the garage space." i said "K".

 

this is exactly what i am talking about. he could text me before then. he's been busier than that. it's like on the weekend im not a priority. i dont even feel like a friend let alone a special friend. and today is Sun and 1;15p and i still havent got a text or anything. (real time update: i never heard from him sunday at all but he called /text mon)

 

honestly im tired of this. i dont feel special or anything. now come monday he'll be trying to call me and chit chat. probably because he's doing runs in the truck & has no one to talk to. funny thing is he complained to me about a friend that he is distant from now (carlos i think). he said carlos only called him when he was at work to pass time then when sat came rick didnt hear from him. come monday here comes carlos again....

[luxurylover]

Well we finally talked about the weekend...

 

today was a not so good day for me. last night i listened to an old voicemail Rick left and i started crying....

 

rick sent me a good morning sunshine graphic this morning. owed me $20 and did a transfer. he called to make sure it went thru. we started talking (of course) casually. i wasnt ready to have that convo yet but he brought it up anyway. he said "Im still your friend even though you get all mad when we don't talk even for one day." now he has to know he was wrong cause i never said y i wasnt talking to him.

 

summary of our talk: he couldnt see how i was upset about not hearing from him for "one day" while he moved his mom's stuff. i said i was upset about his lack of letting me know what's going on. since we talk everyday. he couldve just said "hey i wont be able to talk to you today cause moving moms stuff, we'll talk Mon". i dont understand how that's so hard. after i said that he said "what youre talking about is relationship stuff, now it's like u have expectations of me" (one of his fav phrases). i said what does common courtesy have to do with being in a relationship? i told him you cant keep using the we're not in a relationship thing as a get out of jail free card. almost every time i state some concern u pull that out. i also said believe it or not we are in a FORM of a relationship. id call it dating.

 

so we went back and forth for awhile. finally he said, ok i will let you know from now on when i need a day to myself (ironically ive done the same thing in the past and he had a problem when i did it...nice double standard huh). he also said "i might not talk to you everyday (even tho not a day goes by that we dont), but i will make sure that if i dont ill send a text. but dont get upset if i forget to send one." and i said "oh ok so now we're not going to talk every day? yeah right, youve said that before too." he said "ok we'll see". i said "you dont have to prove a point to me. just use common courtesy and we'll be good". he said "ok boss". i thought to myself you dont have to be a smart ass either. he kept making it seem like it wasnt a big deal the fact that he didnt text or call all day and night sun. and imo probably wouldnt have done so either on sat had i not reached out.

 

it's like he wants the trappings of a relationship without the responsibility. b4 we started our serious talk he was saying how he wants to go back to the outlet in charlotte nc and wants to take me with him. so im good enough for that, but not good enough for.....

 

so now i don't know what to do. part of me wants to leave him. and part of the reason is because i feel he thinks i wont leave. and i also want to hurt him. i know thats a silly reason but i do. and im also tired of being hurt. but i do love him and enjoy talking to him when he isnt being an ass wipe. im about this > close to calling it quits. just out of spite.

 

then there's the part of me that feels like why doesnt he want me as his girl. i feel un atrractive and not cute. i know i shouldnt but i do. then there's the part of me that says he does want me but he's scared. i remember him saying once something to the effect of: everything is ok and then ppl go and get into a relationship or years pass and things change. expectations are put on ppl (he loves that word expectations, as if he doesnt have expectations of me and others).

[luxurylover]

All about me

 

recently i havent been feeling so great. even s-uici-dal. not that i would seriously go thru with it the way i feel now. but its like a mental escape. i lay in bed a lot. dont have energy. dont feel good about myself. i feel unattractive. stopped going to the gym, lack of energy. sometimes i feel better then sometimes i dip back down. my blood work came back from my Dr. the other day and she said i have very low Vit D and told me to start taking supplements. one of the side effects of low D is depression. but i know im mainly depressed cause of rick. and chad too in a sense.

 

Thanksgiving

 

...but thksgvg i was working (on my own sched). chad was too but got off early so he invited me to his parents house for TG dinner. it was so nice. i loved it. he has a real big family that's real close and i always feel so welcomed. it's so warm there. theyre good ppl. everyone knew that i was his GF even the lil kids. and im not even around that much. that made me feel good cause so often with rick i feel "hidden". during this dinner rick was texting me. he was at his cousins house with some of the rest of his family. eventually he asked me where i was eating dinner at and i said "my ex parents house". rick thinks chad is my ex...i told him that last yr cause he kept making lil under hand comments about me being with someone...it got annoying. he replied "thats cute" in text. the following day he asked me "so how was it at your in-laws?"...

 

back to the topic @ hand

 

anyway back to me. ive been writing in a notebook my random thoughts. most of them are about rick. i feel undesirable even though i know im a decent person with a lot to offer. unattractive. every time i think oh i should start dating another guy i either think, he won't be interested in me beyond sex (more on that later) or who would find me attractive the way i look now. in my heart i feel like i look nice, but every now and then these feelings pop up. i need to tell my counselor these things when i go this upcoming week. these past couple of days has consisted of lying in bed, crying randomly. staring at tv blankly. staring at wall blankly. feeling better when that odd phone call comes in from a friend but then feeling lonely again when he/she has to go.

 

more about the sex comment: i am a very sexual person. i think that can work against you sometimes when youre a female. there's double standard for us. i think sometimes some guys dont take me seriously because i am a sexual person. like they may even wonder "if her sex drive is like this could she even be faithful?" or maybe they just see me as a sex buddy and not for anything else (that thought crossed my mind w/ rick). im not promiscuous i just have a high sex drive and im open minded with the person im with. so i think sometimes that can be a draw back. but thats one thing i like about chad, he's never judged me because of that...which is ironic because i cheated on him, but not for sexual reasons.

 

anyway, something is missing from my life. that intimacy. touch. safety. i wouldn't say a "purpose" but just something to get up for. like if i dissapeared tomorrow, who besides my mother (bless her heart) would actually feel a void. sometimes i wonder if i really *dont* want kids. i think, if i did have a family would i feel like this? but i dont necessarily want kids. my life feels empty. even with chad (i wont even count rick for this). is this just loneliness or is it really something missing? is this something that happens at 32? has anyone else reading gone thru this? an emptiness for a long period of time? Ive felt it for years. i stopped feeling it when me and rick got in deep...but now that that's shaky i feel it again. it's funny, if rick had asked me to be his girl earlier when we were talking i wouldve been overjoyed...now....meh

 

well i do feel relieved writing this here. i hold a lot in as i dont have alot of ppl to talk to about these things. that doesnt help either.