Musings

[luxurylover]

Emotional eating

 

I woke up at 7am randomly and I feel bad and guilty. I realize I've been eating terribly. Fried chicken, pizza, shakes, anything I want.most of the time all in one day. I've started back at the gym but what's the point if I don't get my eating together.

 

I've realized this is mainly emotional...feel bad? Treat yourself! Some pizza will make u feel better....how about a shake? The worst part is I'll feel guilty after eating it mostly. I'm laying in bed with an irrational fear of a heart attack right now....or maybe not so irrationally given my diet lately.

 

I just know this is a really really hard time for me right now. I'm very lonely. But today no more excuses, I'm getting on track with eating. I'm good with the gym. The only thing I need is to eat right like I used to and I'm good. It's my mind. Come on mind, get with it....

 

Chad came over last night. We had a good time. Cuddled talked, etc. I miss his attn. I c him once a wk....it's hard. When it was time for him to go I got sad. Once he left I ate the rest of my pizza slice it's like I'm trying to fill a hole.

 

I feel it's behavior from childhood. My mom and grandma raised me in the same house. They would argue frequently. It upset my childhood greatly. My mom , feeling bad about exposing me to that, would bring me treats. A hamburger here, another comfort food there. Or we"d go out and eat somewhere....guess I learned early to "treat"myself. Which btw is ok: sometimes....but not back to back. Yesterday I ate two big pizza slices, 2pc of cried chicken, two shakes, a small hamburger, ....And a snack or two in between.

 

I feel so guilty and wrong. I feel like heading to the gym right now I feel so bad

[luxurylover]

Back in gym

 

Well I went to gym..I'd taken my usual two days off. More importantly I ate well today!! "Backflips all over ena"

 

Ooh I have a picture of myself in my head and I can't wait to get there. My first goal is lose 40 lb. Then after that I'll set another.

[luxurylover]

Chasing a check, and Anthony

 

First, Anthony been texting a lil more. Maybe it really was cause he had a cold. Maybe he's one of those that goes into shut down mode. I wonder should I send a get well text....He has been reaching out.

 

Second, I delivered something for a small biz I have worked for for years. And I usually get paid the same day for large orders like that. Please tell me y it's been a whole week and I'm still not paid. Now one or two days I could c. But now it's like I'm chasing my check. I'm seriously over it. Nothing makes me more upset than having to chase $. I've never had issues not being paid before, so in my mind I know I'm going to get it. It's taking so long tho. The anger I feel inside isn't coming thru on this post. Trust me I'm hot

[luxurylover]

Am I a priority

 

i'm upset about Chad. Last night he worked a double. He got there at 5p and usually leave around 1 to 3a. But double means home around 8a. N now he delivers local in a truck to gas stations, the food. So this is y I'm upset.

He puts more work and effort into that job than he does into our relationship. One time, I said, let's try this new sex position (we do the same two positions frequently) he looked at the pic and said, I don't know that looks like a lot of work. His two fav positions, spooning/woman on top....lazy positions. And that's not his only lazy area when it comes to us. Yet hee puts all that effort into work. Really let's me know where I am on priority list.

 

The more I think about this the worse I feel. He will jump off building dam near for that job, yet do the least possible to keep us together

[Case_1983]

Hey LL,

 

I have read your posts and have a question: how did Rick feel about your open relationship with Chad? Does Chad mind that the relationship is open? Does he date others? He seems a bit detached.

 

I used to go out by myself all the time and start chatting with people and lie and say my friends were on the dancefloor or they had ditched me. Lol. Its hard to make and keep friends. But anyway, keep posting! I really enjoy hearing about your life, it's definitely interesting and you sound really nice, smart and fun so I'm sure your lack of friends just has to do with your location and bad luck

[luxurylover]

Hey LL,

 

I have read your posts and have a question: how did Rick feel about your open relationship with Chad? Does Chad mind that the relationship is open? Does he date others? He seems a bit detached.

 

I used to go out by myself all the time and start chatting with people and lie and say my friends were on the dancefloor or they had ditched me. Lol. Its hard to make and keep friends. But anyway, keep posting! I really enjoy hearing about your life, it's definitely interesting and you sound really nice, smart and fun so I'm sure your lack of friends just has to do with your location and bad luck

 

Hi, when Rick and I met Chad and I were together but it wasn't open. I was cheating. Rick knew about Chad. At first when it was just sex, Rick was ok with the Chad thing, then as Rick started to get closer to me he'd show signs of jealousy twds Chad (mind you I hadn't seen Chad in about 3 or 4 months due to his work schedule/lack of effort).

 

Me and Chad became open in about Oct or so of last year. It was his idea. I'm only his second gf and he's 34. I don't think he's dated anyone so far, he's very non social and shy. And gee is a bit detached.

 

I never go out anymore. I used to go out by myself to dance but I don't anymore. I recently realized I do have opportunities to make friends sometimes but tend to shy away. I think part of me is always wondering "what's it gonna b this time?" It seems like a weeding out process. My stomach for that is getting weaker.

 

Those r sweet things to say about me, ty. I'm glad my life seems interesting cause most of the time I'm in a state of boredom I'm in Atlanta so I think really a great deal of it is me

[luxurylover]

I want to call my ex bad

 

It's 745a , I'm sitting here using every ounce of strength in more to not call Rick. I miss him sooo bad. I woke up...thought about old times, the good and the bad. I'm so lonely. But part of me doesn't wanna bother him....Last time he called me on video chat I was with a client, when I called him back like 15 min later he didn't pick up. He reaches out in lil little ways.....I wanna reach out in a big way with this phone call. But....it's going against what I promised myself I wouldn't do in the beginning. Now I'm tearing up a lil while writing this.

 

Last night I got real hot. Not just for sex but someone to be close to. Feel a body next to me, holding me, etc. Intimacy.

 

Last wk I couldn't c Chad cause he had a cold. I didn't wanna catch it.

[luxurylover]

Insights

 

Entries back someone mentioned ways I could make friends so I wouldn't b lonely. I've realized sometimes I have opportunities but I push them away. For example, I have clients for work and come into contact with ppl. A guy and his 2 other friends (guys and girls) invited me out to the Clermont lounge...a very colourful club here in Atlanta...I turned him down. Then he asked me again and offered to buy me a drink, I turned him down again.

 

That's not the first time a nice stranger and potential friend has asked something like that and I've turned them down. I think I'm still shy in my own way. Shy to know what ppl are going to think when they find out the real me. In school I didn't have alot of friends but I did have some. I was the stand out....I didn't fit in any group or clique, thk god. But that made it hard to socialize, so I didn't. I think that's stuck with me. "Oh they're inviting me out...Will I "fit".....Will they find out I'm the "oddball" I don't consciously think this but just when reflecting.

 

Another part of me doesn't enjoy the mess and weeding out of bad ppl that can often come with making friends: who's here for me and who's here to: use me, stab me in the back, abandon me, use me only for an outlet to complain to but not listen to me, judge me etc etc. I know everyone isn't like this, nor is anyone perfect including me. But still

 

I think I stay away from ppl for many more reasons. In turn, I'm lonely!! I can physically feel the loneliness, it's like an empty burning feeling in my chest and core. When I think about my loneliness I feel it.

[luxurylover]

Decisions decisions (ex)

 

So I didn't call Rick. I wanted to but truth is I'm scared of something "going wrong" again. Translation scared of being hurt. Even though I'm calling just to say hi. I'm telling myself maybe I'll do it tomorrow.

 

Rick text me today to chat a lil, but...I'm still apprehensive about the call

[Case_1983]

Can I ask why you stay with Chad?it doesn't sound like much of a relationship. Did Rick ever give you an ultimatum to choose between him and Chad? I have a Rick and a Chad. Lol. I have never cheated but the feelings are there. I sometimes make new friends and they seem to dig me and at exactly that moment i get feelings of fear because i assume they will lose interest when they get to know the real me. Actually i am happiest when alone and have many times chosen to hamg out alone than with friends. I'm just weird that way.

 

I have a few friends who are only focused on themselves.. sometimes its refreshing to hang out with them as i don't have to give much to have a nice night.

[luxurylover]

I don't know, part of me feels like if I leave Chad I'll b so lonely .another part is I do love him . Then I feel like I want to work things out. So confused.

 

Rick didn't directly give me ultimatum but he would get jealous so one day I lied and told him I broke up with Chad just to get him to shut up.

 

Yes ppl can b draining and extra, that's y I hesitate t to make new friends. U never know what u gonna get with ppl. I like being by myself too butt sometimes I wanna go to places and have someone there etc.

[luxurylover]

Can I ask why you stay with Chad?it doesn't sound like much of a relationship. Did Rick ever give you an ultimatum to choose between him and Chad? I have a Rick and a Chad. Lol. I have never cheated but the feelings are there. I sometimes make new friends and they seem to dig me and at exactly that moment i get feelings of fear because i assume they will lose interest when they get to know the real me. Actually i am happiest when alone and have many times chosen to hamg out alone than with friends. I'm just weird that way.

 

I have a few friends who are only focused on themselves.. sometimes its refreshing to hang out with them as i don't have to give much to have a nice night.

 

I don't know, part of me feels like if I leave Chad I'll b so lonely .another part is I do love him . Then I feel like I want to work things out. So confused.

 

Rick didn't directly give me ultimatum but he would get jealous so one day I lied and told him I broke up with Chad just to get him to shut up.

 

Yes ppl can b draining and extra, that's y I hesitate t to make new friends. U never know what u gonna get with ppl. I like being by myself too butt sometimes I wanna go to places and have someone there etc.

[luxurylover]

I called my ex! (Rick) and Anthony update

 

Tues I called Rick. I was so nervous ....He picked up, we talked and it was just like old times. I said I miss talking to him, he said he misses that too. We talked for over an hr. It was great. He said "oh u remember me"...I told him it may not seem like it but I definitely remember you, trust me.

 

I could tell there r still some feelings there. It made my day

 

Ok in other news Anthony (the "dildo guy"....see previous entries)text me today. I hadn't heard from him in eight days and he come talking about "do u miss me?"and sent some Kissy and heart emoticons. I told him if someone that I don't know well doesn't text me for awhile I get detached but for good measure let's say I miss u "somewhat".

 

Some ppl have real nerve....I haven't heard from u in eight days for no apparent reason, I don't know you well and u think some emoticons gonna make it o.k.? What is this high school? I swear some men r so clueless when it comes to women

[luxurylover]

Mad at BF (chad)

 

It's 8:41p and Chad is on his way over. This is his off day. He always comes real late. Clearly I'm not a priority. He does rest on his off days, his job is physical. Runs errands a lil. And then me at 9p. We can never think of anything fun...esp him.

 

While sitting here waiting right before writing this letter I was in the mirror getting ready and just stopped all of a sudden. A sadness washed over me and I actually started crying a lil. I started missing rick. I don't know where it came from. The feeling comes and goes

 

....so he gets here and the date was horrible. i was quiet for the first part, everything to do was closed by then so we just drove around. he knew i was mad too..said he felt guilty. i said "you should". i also told him if you come over at 9;30pm, 10pm again unless agreed upon just stay home. i told him i feel low on his priority list, and that he does the least amount possible to get by in our relatiionship. i also threw in that i have no backbone because clearly i allow it. i seriously sat in that car and thought about breaking up with him then and there but i didnt wanna make a quick decision without thinking about it first. when we got back we had sex: It was horrible. i hadnt had sex in about 3 weeks, youd think anyone wouldve been great but because of my mood and it being so late i was so sleepy by then i didnt enjoy it at all.

 

try , try again

[luxurylover]

Updates, feelings, etc

 

this morning I woke up like I often do at around 5 a.m. I saw that Chad hadn't text me after getting home from work. Anyway for whatever reason I started crying a little bit and feeling really down serious after minute I escaped into a fantasy land I find myself in daydreaming now more than ever. I daydream about a man his physical form changes depending on my mood but his emotional for me is always the same: caring loving safe gentle warm always giving me the attention I need and some time tHe sex i need. I'm tired a lot I'm actually at work right now and I slept on and off for most of the day and I'm still tired. My mind is exhausted. I'm lonely. I'm thinking about putting another personal and looking for a friend I should have put friend in quotation mark.

 

I'm also trying to watch my sodium now because my blood pressure was pretty high the other day its fine now. id went on kind of an eating binge andchat stressed me out. I'm being very strict about my sodium and trying to lose weight too and I'm only eating about 1500 calories a day. But it's got me feeling a lil weak. I'm using the my Fitness Pal app it's really good for anyone that wants to check it out.

 

Anyway I'm sitting here just thinking about things. both are good friend of mine and a client said the other day I don't sound right. They both said I sound down. I didn't even realize that I sounded like that but I guess I'm not making an effort to hide it anymore

[luxurylover]

I met someone new...well kind of

 

now you get to see my wild side

 

thurs I helped my friend move. we took a taxi from the truck rental back to his apartments. the taxi driver was so cute to me. Let's call this guy "LA". we talked the short ride. my friend (a gay guy) in the back text me "girl u should get his number!" so I think that kinda gave me courage. at the end of the ride we were back at his apts and I asked the driver "do u get hit on a lot during the rides" and he was like "of course that's one of the best parts". and I said "well im about to hit on you now, I think youre very sexy..." He started smiling and I don't remember what else he said cause at that point I couldn't believe I was that bold. I said I should give you my number, then he started giving me his number. we talked for a lil while,, my friend had left to go inside when we first pulled up. anyway I was just interested in sex from him cause its been a min since I had some good. me and chad haven't done anything in weeks. so he said "do u like to smoke (weed) or drink" I said , no but I like to have sex.

 

I think my brain was relaxed and free because id been moving all day and I was so tired.

 

so the conversation was of course sexual. which was fine. but then I kept looking at his lips. they were so sexy to me. he said "what....I see you looking , what are u thinking" and I just said 'oh,...just thinking'. so then he leans his chair back (I had been sitting next to him, this was an uber). I wondered "why is he doing that...did he think I was about to give him a blowjob??" really I wanted to kiss him, so I leaned in to go for his lips, just for a peck, and he turned his cheek to me! I felt so rejected esp after we'd been getting on so well with our convo. I said y did u do that? he said "oh I don't kiss baby". I told him, u just got done saying u are freaky but u don't kiss? he said "we'll get to that, we'll get to that" and he said I can kiss him on the cheek so I did. we talked a lil more then I left. meanwhile I felt turned off by the kiss thing. and y lean the chair back? for a bj? So I can do that but I cant give u a sweet peck on the lips?

 

that night he text me "send me some pics" I said what kind he said "use ur imagination." well I sent him 1 clothed and a few nudes (with head cut off). he liked them then I said send me some. im not a pic person but I thought it was only fair. but he skipped over that question like I didn't say it. I also asked him later for pics and he had an equally evasive response like "oh look at you...Ill see what I can do". my theory is that he has someone. I told him about chad and open rltnshp. then I asked him does he live alone, he said "I kinda have a situation like you do". that was my cue.

 

he's been calling me a lot and texting me. he definitely wants to hook up. but I haven't heard from LA since sat. afternoon.

[luxurylover]

Saw Rick last night

 

Lately Rick has been texting me good morning everyday. Saying he wanna see me etc. He been going thru rough times lately. Last night he said he wanted to see me and I was shocked cause usually the plans don't pan out.

 

I headed over to his aunt place, temporary spot, and we parked in parking deck. We fooled around in front then moved to the back. We had sex....it was great as usual. Then we talked for some time, made out some more. Told me he miss me. He kept saying, ok get home safe, but then would talk to me some more so I'd stay. That happened 3 times.

 

I called him when I got home, let him n know I got in safe. We talked some more then went to bed. We're supposed to meet tonight and Tmrw night too.

 

But the real story happened behind the scenes, I was spazzing out b4 meeting him. I was super nervous, blood pressure high. Once we started doing it I called down. You should've seen me...nervous wreck. He said I had googly eyes when I was around him....I didn't know it was so obvious. ....but he did too.

 

Here's another spazz moment. This morn I woke and couldn't stop obsessing: what if that's not his aunt apt. What if it's a girl he's staying with. Aunt is out of town this wknd, so he did invite me in. If it were indeed some girl why would he invite me in even if she was out. I hate the things our mind does when we like someone. It's an irrational thought.

[luxurylover]

Bored, lonely, and a hot mess..

 

I was supposed to see Rick again tonight. Usually I don't put much stock in what he says but last night he came thru so I figured.....well long story short I'm sitting home alone. I could've worked instead but I'm tired of working all the time. I want a life. He text me earlier concerning onE of his kids school events he went to and that Was the last I heard.

 

Granted I could reach out but if you've kept up with my journal so far, you know I don't like initiating things with him. I try to stay out of his life as much as possible. It's weird every time we have a good time he does something dumb to go mess it up. I've been resting and playing one of my old video games all day. I'm not a game person but it helps occupy my mind.....

 

I feel so stupid. So lonely too. Chad is at work...so no help there. So empty. Again. Last night felt so good once I stopped spazzing and tonight feels empty. I have wet eyes like tears are about to come out but they won't....I'm not a cryer. But the tears are still there.

 

I feel like I'm 31 & doing the same thing I did when I was 10. Sitting in my room, alone with few friends and playing the exact same video games. Or when I was a teen. In my room reading or on the computer, alone. No dates. Few friends I hung out with. I don't want to throw a pity party, I just can't help but see a pattern.

 

 

Every man I've ever loved in my life has either left or let me down major. First one was my father. I was 13...had a random interest in fishing. He said we would go fishing together. He didn't live with us and this was my first time meeting him except as a baby. Well he said he'd take me fishing at a lake he used to go to. He'd call and we'd go. I was excited, finally someone to fish with etc. I hadn't been yet but I'd read a book about it and my mom bought me starter equipment....This was before the dinner with my father.

 

The weekend came, days passed and he never called. In fact I never heard from him again. I was very hurt but I pushed it under the rug. Bless her heart my mom ended up taking me fishing instead...I think she knew I was disappointed.

 

Anyway this set a pattern for the men in my life. Sometimes an irrational side wonders if it's me. I know it's not but u know how the mind is...

 

I babble...Bless u if you made it this far

[luxurylover]

miscommunication , ugh

 

my second time typing this entry....the first one disspeared when i timed out. this just isn't my day. the first one sounded so much better. oh well...

 

Well I feel a lil stupid. Read my previous entry about rick standing me up...Or so I thought '.....I if u haven't.

 

I was so desperate for advice on what I should do that earlier I paid for one of those live chat help counselors on here. She suggested that I tell him what I expect as far as communication. B clear etc. Well I agree but I've said it b4, I felt like I'd b repeating myself. I told her that. She said to try it.

 

So he text me good morning today and I didn't say anything till like 5hr later. We briefly text them I called him. He said he wants to c me tonight. I was so mad I didn't even want to. Then I saw an opening and brought it up.

 

I told him what happened and how I thought we were gonna meet. He sounded genuinely shocked...He thought we were meeting Sunday. He said he just went home last night and did nothing. He said , omg u were mad at me today? I said yes. So we talked some more. We both agreed better communication.

 

I told him since the breakup I don't feel comfy reaching out to him cause I don't wanna get in his way. He said, but I don't have a life(to interrupt). I said, still...it doesn't feel right.

 

we talked a lil more, another call came in and that was that.

 

**bangs head on table**

 

why can't i get my life together. sometimes i feel like im groping in the dark

[luxurylover]

Rick came over last night

 

The fact that I have about 3 different entries within 24hrs shows u how my mental state is right now

 

Well...He did end up coming. It's like I spazz out now at the drop off a hat. He came around 1a and just left around 3. We had sex, it was nice. Then we cuddled...which was the best part to me. He held me in his arms and fell asleep. I had my eyes closed but wasn't sleep. I was loving the cuddling and didn't want it to end.

 

I snapped a pic of him while he was sleeping cause he looked so cute lol. He knew I did it and laughed. He had that "drool"type face.

 

The touches were more than sexual or freaky, they were intimate and gentle, loving even.

 

Sigh...boy do I miss him

[luxurylover]

Updates galore.. coming soon

[Case_1983]

Do tell

[luxurylover]

finally here are my updates about me and rick. some of these are coming from letters that ive been sending a friend on here thru PM so i wont have to do so much typing and remembering. ill try to make it as easy to read as possible:

 

weve been seeing each other alot (meaning sex). everything has been going great. he calls and texts all the time. we're basically back to like we used to be. now there are big gaps in between moves in the word game we used to play...clearly he used it as a way to keep in touch and doesnt need it anymore. hes been making sweet little hints and comments here and there. even saying things like "oh imma have to take u to savannah one day" and other mentions of trips cause we were talking about travel a couple of times.

 

meanwhile all the while i been waiting for the other shoe to drop. i know how he is and even though im happy, my eyes are always open.

 

night b4 birthday, june 6

 

 

i got my hair done special and got very cute because derrick was picking me up to go out. the time was supposed to be 8 but switched to 9...which ended up being 1030-11p because of me taking my time getting ready. he's unreliable so when he moved the time from 8 it made me not take him seriously, so when 9 came around i hadnt even showered.

 

so he picked me up around 11. id gone over to target to get something for my nails and i looked so good i was getting compliments in the store, especially my hair which my friend did , shes a stylist. when rick got there, i came outside and hed been smoking a cig and the first thing he says is: "how did we get from 8p, to 9p, to now it's almost 11p? i cant even take u to eat where i wanted to cause it's almost closed!" ---> he didnt say anything about how nice i looked, happy birthday, hell he didnt even give me a hello kiss or hug...it was just nag nag nag about how i wasnt ready sooner. mind you he's the one that pushed the orig time back. so this set the tone for the beginning of the day and to be honest it kinda made me feel bad. i spent all that time getting ready, getting my hair done , picking an outfit etc and that's the first thing he says.

 

we get into his car and try to decide on a restaurant. i picked one nearby that was open late. while i was looking for it he said something like " probably going to be hard to find something, everythiing's closed " --with an emphasis on the word closed. so while driving there i told him that he didnt even give me a kiss he was so busy nagging. he said he was sorry and kissed me. when we got to the restaurant he made a comment about how nice my nails look and i said "gee thanks, i didnt think you noticed" (in a flip tone). he said "okay im sorry...i know i shouldve given you compliments etc when i first picked u up. just bear with me i havent been on a date in a long time"----> DATE ...that's the part that stuck out to me. i thought 'oh so this is a date to you, huh?' ~~~more on this later.

 

so he told me that the surprise was we could either go to the club or to a strip club and it was my choice. i definitely didnt wanna go to the strip club so i chose a dance club. honestly i was a bit disappointed cause the way he hyped it up i thought it was really going to be something. during the dinner he asked me what i was doing the next day and i said the aquarium cause its free on your bday but i was going by myself. he said he would come with me cause he'd never been. (the next day he got sick with diarrhea so i ended up going with my mom and had a great time). so before the club we pulled over for some hanky panky in his car....my idea...and then went to the club. we danced, made out . we had a great time. the night ended better than it began thank goodness.

 

the week that just passed...

 

i have been seeing so much of him. tues night (technically weds morn) he came over at 1am or so, left at 5:30a. then he worked, and came back weds around 2p and didnt leave until 9:45p that night. we had sex multiple times and slept and cuddled all day. it was wonderful. like i said he snores loud so most of the time he was holding me while sleep and i just layed there next to him ...i was happy to be there though. you know how badly i missed him when he wasnt around so this was like a dream.

 

we saw each other a few other times too. been talking and texting. did i tell you that i went with him to get his new car? i drove the rental back to the car rental at the airport and he followed me in the new one. when we parted ways, he gave me a quick kiss and said "call me when you get home" and i almost slipped after the peck and said "i love you" but didnt. it seemed like a natural follow up! this leads me into:

 

ive been wondering about our 'status'

 

as you know we have no official title. he hasnt said we're dating or relationship but we have all the trappings of at least serious dating. when i brought this up in Nov it ran him off. im not going to bring it up again but it's been going thru my head. and it's not just me. ill give you some examples:

 

1. the other day we were talking about sex or something and i recalled a time b4 him where i cried during sex. not boo hoo, but a good cry. he said "was this with me" i told him no, then he said "okay well i dont wanna hear u talk about any other guys youve had sex with, only me"..

 

2. he told me about an incident where his cousin wanted to come over to his house (last year) but said "you can't come over here with your date cause i got my girl over here..." ---> hed only gotten that house after he started to see me. my friends say it sounds like he was talking about me when he said "my girl"..

 

3. then theres the asking me to do little stuff. im a reference on his car loan papers. i rode with him to get it. i met his mom and sister the other day too.. i even was about to drive his mom to her surgery the other day.

 

4. the intimate moments , like the way i catch him staring at me out of the corner of my eye. the way he interlocks his fingers with mine when we're in the car or cuddling..

 

5. him pointing out that we've known each other for exactly a year then calling on that day and saying "happy anniversary"....

 

....i have a gay guy friend named D. i keep him updated on all this. after i told him some of this he said "what are yall???" he was actually getting upset about it. and though im not upset , i do wonder. like what is going on? my mom and another friend said it will happen in time. but it's been a year. tonight i was at my friend's home and her 4 yr old was near me. she heard me talking on the phone to derrick and she said "is that your boyfriend?" (kids are so blunt) i said no. derrick said "what did she ask" i repeated it along with my answer. he said jokingly "oh wow...u treating me like dirt." so the 4 year old asked again and he heard it , i told her "ummm.....(pause) i dont know how to answer that question" ....he laughed.

 

...he laughed but im serious. i dont know how to answer that question.

 

lastly, a messy text

 

he sent me a text during a phone convo we were having tonight and it was a "coupon" for a free orgasm but it was a screenshot picture. he just learned how to do screenshots cause i taught him. only he didnt know it captures EVERYTHING on the screen and not just the pic (or whatever). when he sent the screenshot it showed that he'd screenshotted the photo from what looked like some girl's photo album somewhere online. it had a name on it like "kathy" or soemthing. i mentioned this and he said "it showed all that?" i said yeah u need to learn how to crop. and while i was explaining cropping he said "so u can crop someone out of a photo etc?" i said yes, or you can crop out thing like that ho's name on the pic you sent me. that's when he said "ok let me call you back you being messy" i said are you serious? first off im messing with you, second dont run off because you feel guilty. he said "i dont have anything to feel guilty about" and i said "youre right" but girl...instantly my mind flashed back to when he got jealous cause i was talking about a PAST sexual experience (when i cried with the guy). but im not allowed to react to this? ---granted the pic couldve been from anywhere, that doesnt mean he's talking to someone else or communicatiing with her.

 

....i said all that to say, i think a definition on what we're doing would be really helpful. it would help clear up situations and misunderstandings like this. it helps to know where you stand with someone.

[luxurylover]

More updates....

 

these are from a week or so ago.

 

me and rick have been talking a year and still i have yet to be called his gf. see im always confused because he'll give mixed signals. "oh this not a relationship" but then he'll do things like the examples i gave you. just yesterday even he did something. we were on phone and i was teasing him that he's getting old and he said , "yeah next imma go blind....would you leave me if i went blind?" ---> leave me? first you have to be together to leave someone.

 

an incident...

 

also he does little things that annoy me. for instance just now he text me about a shady "friend" named bobby. he's always complaining about this "friend" doing shady things like embarrassing him in front of his other friends about his financial hardships etc. well him and bobby hung out last night, i was at work. this week just passed he was supposed to take me out to the strip club to make up for cancelling the aquarium. but he ended up saying we will go this upcoming week cause he didnt wanna spend any extra money. so i was cool with that . but just now i found out that him and bobby hung out at the strip club last night. now granted he gets in free cause bobby knows someone, but....i called him out on it. i was like oh so you can go to the strip club with your "friend" but not me? i dont like stuff like that. so i question him about it and he said "messy, u not focusing on what i did on your bday and things i did for u only what i didnt do. messy. BREAKTIME!!!" so now i tried to apologize ...for whatever it was, hes so sensitive for no reason. and he said he didnt feel like talking today and he just resting. im tired of everytime some little stuff happens here he goes dissapearing.

 

yes me and chad are still together. and actually on our date nights i appreciate the drama free environment. i would write more but now im too upset to do so and on top of that have to go to work for a few hrs. ill write more when i get back home

 

update on the incident...

 

later that same day he callled. the topic of the texts from earlier wasnt brought up on it's own, it just kinda stumbled out because he mentioned something unrelated that gave me an opening to bring it up. otherwise before that he was talking like nothing happened: however i could tell he was trying to gauge my mood. when we finally got on the topic he said "BREAKTIME!!" meant "lets go to our separate corners and cool down"...i told him that was not right to say and then not pick up the phone when i called because text leaves too much open to interpretation. i was telling him at this point it was less about the strip club etc and more about handling communication better. i also said we can still do the outlet stores (something else he wanted to do at end of month) and also do the strip club another day. he was like "thats always been my problem with women wanting to do everything but not having the money or time". personally i didnt wanna hear that mess cause i still wasnt happy with the situation and how he handled it. and frankly it turned me off alot. i still love him and im not all the way turned off, but...im tired of the drama and then he runs off and then we start talking again , it's just a waste of time. its stressing me out and im too old. hes DEFINITELY too old. there was alot more to the convo but that was the gist of it.

 

so i told my friends im going to start "actively" talking to other people. i was always open to other guys talking to me...im not counting anyone out but my focus has been on rick. now im going to be more active in dating other people. just to give myself balance. and also still work on me and chad...i almost feel like i shouldnt give up on that yet. that day drained me so bad and also work that day was tough cause there was alot of work to be done. hell im still drained. mentally and somewhat physically.

[luxurylover]

Im the what?...

 

Tonighht we were on the phone and I forget how it came up, but he said "you're the perfect woman in my eyes, you're clean, you work...." and he went on to name other qualities that I honestly didn't hear because I was still caught up in the first part of it.

 

I was very...extremely flatter ed. But also confused. Then I got to thinking, sometimes is bad to put someone on a pedestal. for various reasons but in this case I was thinking, if he thinks I'm the perfect woman and then looks at his own situation he just got a car again, has no place, finance problems and then he looks at me and thinks I'm the perfect woman what can he offer me. it was very insightful. Sometimes when you put someone up on a pedestal like that it makes them are reachable. never the less I was still happy to hear that he thinks that he thinks that

 

Meanwhile...

 

im scared to bring up anything related to: love, relationship, dating with rick. last year in Nov when i told him i love him he bolted on some bs excuses. but i know it's what brought him back. hard to stay away from someone you know genuinely cares about u.

 

no new news really. i can tell he gets jealous. i told him about a guy that was flirting with me at my job, only cause i thought it was a funny story. the guy ended up kissing me on the cheek and rubbing my arm beffore i could stop him.. anyway at the end of the story rick said "did he give u his # ?" i said no...then he said oh that's right you already got his number. (cause he was a client). i said no i dont have his number!---> its true, i dont. plus i wouldnt want it , he was out of line. anyway i was thinking, oh wow jealousy for real. a few other incidents like that recently too. kind of makes me smile tho to know that he's thinking like that. but also, he needs to "lock me down" if he really wants other offers to be off the table.....right now he truly has no claim on me.

 

also im still having a problem reaching out to b the first one to call. he mentioned this last night after going all evening and night without calling me. i text him in early evening but didnt call. i told him im still getting used to reaching out to him again. his first thing he said was "i guess u dont like talking to me no more"....but here's the thing: when you're rejected, and pushed away, it takes a moment for the heart to warm and the brain to get comfy again. he did this, not me....