Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

I'm sorry if I am repeating old news. .but I seriously doubt my journal is fascinating enough to go back a couple years and recount my personal history.

 

My parents are very stoic, not warm and fuzzy. We lived in Europe while I was ages 5 to 11 and outside of my brother, who I wasn't remotely close to, my world was pretty small.

 

I assimilated well when we moved to the US (my bro, not so much) and even though I am the walking, talking, feeling person in my family I am for the most part pretty reserved.

 

My father traveled and was gone the majority of my childhood and I think my brother and I pretty much raised ourselves. This for the most part is good thing but it took me years to notice the pattern that effects my relationships.

 

I moved out on my own at 20, married a fireman at 23, who, with a side business as well - was gone most of the time. (much like my dad) This is what feels normal to me.

 

Outside of my children, I have never lived with anyone 24/7.

I have accepted that this isn't going to change at this point in my life. My tolerance for togetherness is low.

 

Even most recently when my oldest son lived with me for 18 mos, I would catch myself being happy to not see his truck in front of house. Mind you, l love this boy more than life itself, but I just need solitude at times.

 

I am very social, I am around people all day, but I need to decompress by being alone. I am hardwired this way and I am perfectly ok with this.

 

It has been a struggle in my relationships though. I've been told more than once that I am not able to give them what they need. It is what is. My goal is to find someone independent, but men will rarely admit that they need more then are willing to tell you. At least in my experience, they don't even admit it to themselves.

 

So I do understand why my guy shuts down. He's the life of the party and non stop laughs. He's quite a character. Honestly, it can be exhausting for someone like me. (I mean in the best way possible :)

 

What I don't get is he wants me sitting beside him while he's checked out. It's this part I am trying to figure out how to manage. And I can't lie, there have been times I take it personally. Because from the other side he appears that something is really bothering him. And this isn't for a couple hours. So far, my experience is it can be for the entire day.

[reinventmyself]

""It's like throwing a blanket over a bird cage. I'm out for the count haha.""

 

I might have to use this :) too funny

[Silverbirch]

I'm sorry if I am repeating old news. .but I seriously doubt my journal is fascinating enough to go back a couple years and recount my personal history.

 

My parents are very stoic, not warm and fuzzy. We lived in Europe while I was ages 5 to 11 and outside of my brother, who I wasn't remotely close to, my world was pretty small.

 

I assimilated well when we moved to the US (my bro, not so much) and even though I am the walking, talking, feeling person in my family I am for the most part pretty reserved.

 

My father traveled and was gone the majority of my childhood and I think my brother and I pretty much raised ourselves. This for the most part is good thing but it took me years to notice the pattern that effects my relationships.

 

I moved out on my own at 20, married a fireman at 23, who, with a side business as well - was gone most of the time. (much like my dad) This is what feels normal to me.

 

Outside of my children, I have never lived with anyone 24/7.

I have accepted that this isn't going to change at this point in my life. My tolerance for togetherness is low.

 

Even most recently when my oldest son lived with me for 18 mos, I would catch myself being happy to not see his truck in front of house. Mind you, l love this boy more than life itself, but I just need solitude at times.

 

I am very social, I am around people all day, but I need to decompress by being alone. I am hardwired this way and I am perfectly ok with this.

 

It has been a struggle in my relationships though. I've been told more than once that I am not able to give them what they need. It is what is. My goal is to find someone independent, but men will rarely admit that they need more then are willing to tell you. At least in my experience, they don't even admit it to themselves.

 

So I do understand why my guy shuts down. He's the life of the party and non stop laughs. He's quite a character. Honestly, it can be exhausting for someone like me. (I mean in the best way possible :)

 

What I don't get is he wants me sitting beside him while he's checked out. It's this part I am trying to figure out how to manage. And I can't lie, there have been times I take it personally. Because from the other side he appears that something is really bothering him. And this isn't for a couple hours. So far, my experience is it can be for the entire day.

 

I'm a lot like this RIV with he absent father. Part of me has craved closeness in a relationship, but somehow I choose men who are absent. If I met a man who was "normal", that would create some discomfort for me I think - it would be so unfamiliar, I'm not sure I would know how to his "be" with them. Despite the loneliness, I definitely need a fair amount of time on my own. I would be a bit freaked too. It's weird for me that other people consider me outgoing, especially at work. I dont actually FEEL outgoing but apparently that's how I seem to others. Maybe your guy's a bit like that too - others see him as outgoing, but there is a more private side to him that he wants to share with you.

[reinventmyself]

I'm a lot like this RIV with he absent father. Part of me has craved closeness in a relationship, but somehow I choose men who are absent. If I met a man who was "normal", that would create some discomfort for me I think - it would be so unfamiliar, I'm not sure I would know how to his "be" with them. Despite the loneliness, I definitely need a fair amount of time on my own. I would be a bit freaked too. It's weird for me that other people consider me outgoing, especially at work. I dont actually FEEL outgoing but apparently that's how I seem to others. Maybe your guy's a bit like that too - others see him as outgoing, but there is a more private side to him that he wants to share with you.

 

Well, he is definitely the extrovert and I am the introvert.

 

Still trying to sort this out. But it's been the life long dance I've done. As much as I'd like to say I've accepted the way that I am, I still find myself struggling with it and trying to adapt.

 

We just got back from a 4 day trip.

 

Two nights to myself and he wanted to stay the night last night.

 

I get that's what most couples do. But for me, ideally, would be a partner that only wants to be together 2 nights a week. At this point I doubt I'll find it, or die trying ;)

 

The good thing here is he is reaalllly easy to be around. If he wasn't, I'd likely be sabotaging it by now.

[reinventmyself]

I had a dream about SS last night. One of those dreams that were so vivid. I woke up around 5 only to go back to sleep and the dream picks up where it left off. How does that happen, I wonder?

 

Anyway, my 5:45 alarm went off and I was in a deep sleep and after a series of events in the dream (me going from not acknowledging him, to him trying the wear me down) I buried my head in his chest and he hugged me. It was so real it rattled me. Then the alarm went off.

 

It's been over a year and I haven't had one single dream about him. I know it doesn't mean anything but those intense dreams, no matter the content kinda rock me.

[katrina1980]

Sounds like you had what's called a "lucid" dream, I'm very familiar with those. I had one about my ex last year (created a thread about it) and yeah it totally rocked me.

 

Below is part of my very last post on that thread, perhaps it might help you too.

 

>>After starting the thread, the dreams about my ex stopped that night, and no I never contacted him and won't.

 

However, since experiencing this, I found the dreams to be quite healing which was corroborated in a few articles I read over the weekend about the healing power of dreams.

 

Extremely enlightening! It essentially said that I still had feelings that were simply buried underneath and actually preventing me from moving forward!

 

All subconscious of course, not consciously aware of this at all, until, of course, the dreams.

 

Why my subconscious chose this point in time to do its thing is anyone's guess, I had not even been thinking of him, but doesn't really matter in the grand scheme.

 

This is gonna sound totally hokey to some but what those articles said is that the dreams allowed all those unresolved feelings that were buried deep down to rise to the surface to be released!

 

And what's interesting is that this weekend, I ended up changing all my passwords (which contained his name in them, still), boxing up all memorabilia, even tossing some and other things away, reflecting that I was finally ready to put this chapter behind me, once and for all.

 

I will treasure the memories (the good positive ones of which there were many) but that is it, and I gotta say it feels so freeing!

 

So in the end, the dreams, while somewhat haunting (and daunting!), actually turned out to be a positive thing, very healing.

[reinventmyself]

. . .makes sense. And makes me a little sad at the same time.

I guess I still have some things to flush out.

Thanks for sharing

[Silverbirch]

I had a dream about SS last night. One of those dreams that were so vivid. I woke up around 5 only to go back to sleep and the dream picks up where it left off. How does that happen, I wonder?

 

Anyway, my 5:45 alarm went off and I was in a deep sleep and after a series of events in the dream (me going from not acknowledging him, to him trying the wear me down) I buried my head in his chest and he hugged me. It was so real it rattled me. Then the alarm went off.

 

It's been over a year and I haven't had one single dream about him. I know it doesn't mean anything but those intense dreams, no matter the content kinda rock me.

WOW, do you think you dream is about an inner battle of creating distance, but actually craving closeness and intimacy.

[Silverbirch]

Not o day the dream is actually about your relationship with HIM - but that in your dream hr simply represents a man/men

[reinventmyself]

Not o day the dream is actually about your relationship with HIM - but that in your dream hr simply represents a man/men

 

Good questions.

I think it's still the little bits of disappointment that still lingers.

The ending was necessary, but still difficult nontheless

[katrina1980]

Good questions.

I think it's still the little bits of disappointment that still lingers.

The ending was necessary, but still difficult nontheless

 

Hi reinvent, I'm wondering - how do you feel now that you've had the dream? Are you exploring feelings about your RL with SS, that perhaps, up till now, you had subconsciously been suppressing?

 

Maybe trying to come to terms with certain things, about the relationship and yourself?

 

Personally I always learn from my dreams; I recently had a dream about my current bf, right after we became exclusive (I created a thread about it).

 

After receiving many great responses, and then upon reflection, what the dream represented was my subconscious fears and anxieties about love and committed relationships in general.

 

It was just a dream but I actually learned a lot from it.

[reinventmyself]

There is so much history to here to cover but it addresses my attraction to men that aren't good for me.

 

I was madly in love with SS, though I knew he wasn't a healthy choice for me and ultimately we would not be together.

 

Now with SL, I feel love for him but not to that intensity. As much as I am enjoying every aspect of my current (healthy) relationship, I miss (and often crave) that intensity I had and often question myself.

 

If I look back at my greatest loves, they were all bad choices.

I guess I loved the intensity, not necessarily the man?

 

Just because it make sense intellectually to me, it sometimes doesn't feel right. We are attracted to what's familiar, even if it's bad for us.

 

I keep waiting for the moment I am at peace with it.

I am not sure what the dream meant. . at least not today.

[reinventmyself]

SL is the one that initiated his divorce from his 2nd wife. They were married for 6 years and separated twice before he left for good.

 

The condensed version of his story is he felt like nothing more than hired help. He moved into her home, paid rent or contributed to the tune of $2500 a month. (I often tease him he can live with me for 2500!!) But geez. . .Who came up with that arbitrary amount and what does that say about him that he agreed to it? She sold that home and bought another 2/3 of way thru their 6 years together and his name was not on house #2 either and yet he still paid her monthly.

 

The house needed alot of work, most he did himself. He retired early at this point, collecting his pension while she worked. He cooked meals, cleaned and catered to her teenage sons. He had a list of things to do each day and from what he described, she was very militant about everything. He's very responsible and proactive about things so I don't understand her scrutiny. It doesn't make sense. He said he was never himself and walked on egg shells. Until he had enough and left.

 

Funny thing the other day he made a joke about watching porn. He mentioned some website and I asked him a question about it. (I am pretty open minded about such things) I asked him if he would have ever mentioned that to his ex and reeled back saying OH NO! She was very jealous, often accused him of looking at other women, checked his phone, etc. He's the most easy going man I know and I can't even picture him the middle of a conflict. At the same time he's no push over but honestly he doesn't do anything to conflict about!

 

He's at his parents in another state this week. His mom asking him how it finally feels to really be himself with someone. I get that because I know first hand what it's like to sensor myself all the time from my last relationship. It's the best compliment I can think of.

It's easy, it fits. It's not a familiar feeling for me but I like it.

 

As it turns out Monday would have been their 9th anniversary. Coincidence she emails him asking him some random question about taxes that same day? I point out the timing and she was likely fishing. He seems surprised and asks me how he ought to handle it (I always vote for no response and see if she asks again) I laugh how men (sorry men) can be naive sometimes to female manipulation.

 

Anyway. He is still technically married. We've been dating 10 months now and he had been separated for a couple years and only filed a couple months before I met him. It's been one stall after another. It's supposed to be final this month. But the paralegal said that last month and month before. At this point the paralegal is the one who's dropped the ball and didn't file doc's correctly.

 

If I let it, it used to concern me. He lived in fear that she'd go after his pension so he played it a little too safe up until recently. I don't even think about it unless he brings it up. It obviously bothers him more than it ever would me.

[katrina1980]

 

Now with SL, I feel love for him but not to that intensity. As much as I am enjoying every aspect of my current (healthy) relationship, I miss (and often crave) that intensity I had and often question myself.

 

If I look back at my greatest loves, they were all bad choices.

I guess I loved the intensity, not necessarily the man?

 

 

Consider this. Yes you loved the men, A LOT. And simply by virtue of your feelings for those men, the RL was intense.

 

My feelings for my ex were intense, as his were for me, combined with our respective natures and the passion we felt for each other, the RL was intense.

 

Same with my current, after 2.5 years of experiencing mediocre relationships and simply going through the motions.

 

It actually scares me a little, which is why I think I had my dream. And it's not smooth sailing by any stretch, we've had conflicts (I take most of the blame for that), but we're able to resolve, which brings us closer and increases the intimacy between us.

 

So just my opinion, as always, but if you're gonna address anything, don't address how intense your past relationships were, address why you think you are (or were) drawn to men who weren't good for you.

[reinventmyself]

address why you think you are (or were) drawn to men who weren't good for you.

 

I know why. . thanks to my therapist and a lot $$ later.

 

But understanding the reasons behind it doesn't automatically change it or totally change ones experiences.

 

I can make better choices. I can have better experiences.

But I don't think one ever really gets 100% - to the other side.

We are who we are. If we are lucky and work at it, we learn to do things differently.

[katrina1980]

I know why. . thanks to my therapist and a lot $$ later.

 

But understanding the reasons behind it doesn't automatically change it or totally change ones experiences.

 

I can make better choices. I can have better experiences.

But I don't think one ever really gets 100% - to the other side.

We are who we are. If we are lucky and work at it we learn to do things differently.

 

Oh I agree, but understanding it is the first step to making better choices for yourself, which sounds like you have with SL, so long as you're not settling for less than what you're emotionally capable of feeling, giving and receiving. Only you can answer that.

 

From what you've written, my sense is you're capable of deep love, intense love. Many aren't so you're fortunate in that regard, so am I.

 

I know for me, I would never settle for less than that, and won't. Doesn't mean when I find it (and may have found it with my current - too soon to tell), the man is bad for me, two entirely different things, imo.

 

Tough issues to navigate, takes a lot of introspection and self-reflection, which you've done and sounds like you're continuing to do.

[reinventmyself]

 

 

Anyway. He is still technically married. We've been dating 10 months now and he had been separated for a couple years and only filed a couple months before I met him. It's been one stall after another. It's supposed to be final this month. But the paralegal said that last month and month before. At this point the paralegal is the one who's dropped the ball and didn't file doc's correctly.

 

It's official. He's single as of 6/13!

I am no longer dating a married man [:

[Jibralta]

Excellent!!

[Silverbirch]

There is so much history to here to cover but it addresses my attraction to men that aren't good for me.

 

I was madly in love with SS, though I knew he wasn't a healthy choice for me and ultimately we would not be together.

 

Now with SL, I feel love for him but not to that intensity. As much as I am enjoying every aspect of my current (healthy) relationship, I miss (and often crave) that intensity I had and often question myself.

 

If I look back at my greatest loves, they were all bad choices.

I guess I loved the intensity, not necessarily the man?

 

Just because it make sense intellectually to me, it sometimes doesn't feel right. We are attracted to what's familiar, even if it's bad for us.

 

I keep waiting for the moment I am at peace with it.

I am not sure what the dream meant. . at least not today.

 

Well I didn't even know ss but I got this feeling he was very sexy and intense, and I can't describe it myself, but I've had hard to shake off residual feelings when there's been involvement whete I had strong attraction and feelings for man like that. Takes time.

[reinventmyself]

Well I didn't even know ss but I got this feeling he was very sexy and intense, and I can't describe it myself, but I've had hard to shake off residual feelings when there's been involvement whete I had strong attraction and feelings for man like that. Takes time.

That pretty much sums it up

[reinventmyself]

I just got off the phone with SL and he informs me of some goings on with the now official ex and her last ditch money grab.

 

He didn't respond to her original text and then text again stating she wanted him to pay for the tax filing fees and now adds an additional 400 some odd dollars that is owed to the state. In turn he goes to a friends accountant and they pulled up that the past 3 tax returns and though money is owed to the state, she received 3K federally. (from their joint filing) She doesn't know he knows this.

 

This is clearly a cry for attention. That doesn't bother or surprise me.

But SL now admits he's been losing sleep over it and was incredibly wound up and agitated on the phone just now.

 

Isn't said that you can gauge someones attachment to another person by their reactions? Almost 3 years later and he's out his mind over a 400 filing fee and an add'l $400 (supposedly) owed. Neither of which he's ultimately responsible for, but if she was trying to get a reaction out of him, she won.

 

I guess it stands to reason the recent filing of a long overdue divorce decree would flush up old unresolved stuff.

But from where I sit it makes me somewhat uncomfortable.

[Jibralta]

But from where I sit it makes me somewhat uncomfortable.

 

That's understandable. I would probably feel the same way, even though it probably is just emotional shrapnel from the divorce.

[reinventmyself]

I brought up the subject last night when I saw him in person. I only asked him what he decided to do. He smirked and pretty much shut down the conversation stating he didn't want to talk about it out of respect for me and our time together. Fair enough and I am not one for drama.

 

But at the same time this bugged me. What exactly? I wasn't sure. I suppose I don't like the snippets of dramatic information when he gets worked up and then spills over, only to slam the door shut on the topic. I don't like there is some movement going on in the background and I am for the most part, unaware of.

 

At the same time I trust him. I trust he will handle this respectfully and I trust him not wanting to bring it up is for the best of intentions.

But I can't help it. . I feel shut out and there is part of his life he has that's off limits.

 

In most cases that's ok, but seeing this is now a source of stress for him, I feel as if I have no choice but to carry on like nothing is going on.

 

I felt closed off from him last night. My knee jerk response is to want to some time away until the dust settles.

[reinventmyself]

I figured it was time to update my avatar.

This picture is me and my father fishing. I was about 8 years old?

My dad passed away in 2006 and of course, with fathers day passing he's been on my mind.

I had this picture blown up, printed on canvas and it hangs on a wall in my bedroom. It turned out much better than I imagined. It looks like a water color painting.

[Jibralta]

I just noticed it on another thread. I figured it was probably you and your dad! t's a lovely picture.