Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

I have been sleeping so soundly that past week. Not sure why. I hope it lasts. But the down side of it is I am having really vivid dreams of ex bfs?

Two nights in a row, the most recent ex. Those dreams that feel so real, that you fight to shake it off when you wake up. Last night a dream of an ex from

6 years ago? Huh

 

Weird. . just weird. If it were random or less intense, I wouldn't think twice.

[Batya33]

I have been sleeping so soundly that past week. Not sure why. I hope it lasts. But the down side of it is I am having really vivid dreams of ex bfs?

Two nights in a row, the most recent ex. Those dreams that feel so real, that you fight to shake it off when you wake up. Last night a dream of an ex from

6 years ago? Huh

 

Weird. . just weird. If it were random or less intense, I wouldn't think twice.

 

Do you think it has to do with daylight savings time too? I've been jet lagged and sleeping weirdly all week.

[reinventmyself]

Do you think it has to do with daylight savings time too? I've been jet lagged and sleeping weirdly all week.

No. . I wasn't feeling well around the time change and sleeping a lot to begin with. So for once, the spring time change didn't effect me.

Again last night, another ex bf dream. It wasn't as vivid and I woke up in the middle of it and can't recall it today.

[reinventmyself]

My closest friend at work of 15 years was out on disability having broken her hand that in turn needed surgery. She's been back for a 6 weeks now and currently is working out of one of our offices that is closer to her home.

Seeing I rotate between the offices I've see her a handful of times.

Something is up and I can't put my finger on it.

 

One day while working in this office I went by the office I thought she'd be in and she wasn't there. She had just returned to work and I was excited to see her. The office was dark so I just assumed she wasn't in that day.

 

Later in the day we ran into each other and I said I went by looking for her and her response was rather aggressive, calling me silly, or as if I was mistaken and or looked in the wrong place. I didn't catch her at the right moment apparently. She may have been in restroom. Whatever. But her tone was inappropriate and dismissive. Again, whatever. She can be abrasive. I let it go. She can talk down to people a times and this was one of them.

 

I've been in this office about once a week since then and I've tried a few times to talk to her but the nature of what she does is phone related and she cannot-not take a call. Each time interrupted or there is someone else in her office. I know she knows (or I guess I can only assume) that I have come by, but in return she's only made one minor effort to talk to me.

 

I honestly wasn't keeping score, but I'd be lying if I wasn't now. Seeing I wasn't sure, I just backed off to see if she would make up the space and I've gotten nothing in return.

Every time I am here I practice an approach I might use and find myself stuck. I refuse to do the `is everything ok?' game. When she was home for 3 mo's I didn't cross paths with her to have done anything remotely to upset her. There wasn't even the opportunity to.

 

I checked in with her routinely while she was out and offered to help in any way. She was grateful but declined and she is married and her husband is retired.

 

I am just stumped why she hasn't made an effort and doesn't seem to care.

Or maybe she's thinking the same thing?

I also know her well enough that any attempt at the `is everything ok' talk will likely be met with that same dismissive tone she has. .either that or I'm silly or mistaken.

I just don't feel the motivation to go there and confused why a friendship of 15 years is lost so easily or over something I may never know.

But honestly. I don't want to ask.

[Jibralta]

That's weird. Frustrating, too.

[Batya33]

Yes, weird and frustrating! Is it possible she is taking pain meds for her hand and it is affecting her emotionally/behaviorally? I got basically dumped by a good friend of 10 years about 6 months ago. No idea why and we don't live in the same city so it's not like I would run into her. She hasn't unfriended me on Facebook but neither of us really post on there. I can relate and it's upsetting. I hope you get an answer soon.

[Jibralta]

Yes, weird and frustrating! Is it possible she is taking pain meds for her hand and it is affecting her emotionally/behaviorally?

 

Good point. Percocet and Vicodin fill me with rage!

[reinventmyself]

There's more to the story that I left out for the sake of brevity. Her husband has terminal cancer, so I give her a lot of slack. He's been battling this for years. It's pretty grueling. As far as I know, I am the only at work outside of HR that knows.

 

Originally when I decided to back off it was for this reason. But now, here 6 weeks later, she makes absolutely no attempt and now there is large elephant in the room. I do see her chatting with other staff members somewhat. . .so??

 

I've been (or I hope I've been) a good, supportive friend. We have a lot of history together and if I did something wrong I would own it in a heartbeat. But I am at a total loss.

 

At the same time . . as much as understand everything she's going through, there is only so much snippiness I can endure before I retreat.

[Batya33]

Sorry if you wrote this already but have you asked her? I understand it's awkward/uncomfortable to do so!

[reinventmyself]

Sorry if you wrote this already but have you asked her? I understand it's awkward/uncomfortable to do so!

 

That's the point. I don't want to ask her. I called her her first day back several times. I didn't leave a voicemail and I know she would have been really busy. When I told her I called her she dismissed it. When I was in the regional office and she stepped away, again I told her I must have missed her and her tone had that `you're so stupid' kind of tone while insisting she was there the entire time. (I don't doubt that, but I must have missed her at that moment)

 

That and me going by her office another 4 times. 2 times she took a phone call and the other two, someone was in her office (she saw me) - Compared to the one time she stopped by for a second for a half hearted hello a month ago.

 

No. . I don't want to do have the `is there anything wrong?' conversation with her. I just can't bring myself to do it. Especially in light of her recent responses.

I feel like I have tried. She hasn't.

[Batya33]

Sorry, I missed that that was your point. I didn't broach that with my friend either once I emailed her (we rarely emailed but she didn't return my calls) and she emailed back in a polite/newsy way and it was clear to me she had no intention of continuing to stay in touch. So, why bother especially since we'd had nothing close to a falling out. Sorry again that I missed that. I hope she comes around.

[reinventmyself]

Sorry, I missed that that was your point. I didn't broach that with my friend either once I emailed her (we rarely emailed but she didn't return my calls) and she emailed back in a polite/newsy way and it was clear to me she had no intention of continuing to stay in touch. So, why bother especially since we'd had nothing close to a falling out. Sorry again that I missed that. I hope she comes around.

Sorry you are going through the same. I just don't get it.

I guess if I am not going to ask then I need to just let it go :(

[Batya33]

Sorry you are going through the same. I just don't get it. I guess if I am not going to ask then I need to just let it go :(

 

Unfortunately if I speculated there would be a "reason" just based on the timing of it but if that was the reason it would be so bizarre/out of left field that my likely decision would be to keep my distance. I felt that my email, which inquired about her family's safety in another state during Hurricane Irma showed that I cared (because I did) and then the ball was in her court to keep in touch.

[reinventmyself]

Unfortunately if I speculated there would be a "reason" just based on the timing of it but if that was the reason it would be so bizarre/out of left field that my likely decision would be to keep my distance. I felt that my email, which inquired about her family's safety in another state during Hurricane Irma showed that I cared (because I did) and then the ball was in her court to keep in touch.

 

Much like you I wrestle with choosing not to do anything further. It just feels weird to let something go when you don't have a clue to go on. True friendships work things out. At least that's what I thought. But I am not going to do all the work.

[reinventmyself]

I'm hitting the wall with my tolerance for togetherness. Why does this happen - every time?

 

I saw SL last night, even though I was exhausted and some work related things had me pretty stressed and distracted.

 

I'm going on a girls trip this weekend so I went ahead and said yes even though I just wanted to be alone and decompress. That made it 5 days out of 6. I'm currently packing and cleaning to leave in the morning and he offers to stay the night tonight.

I-just-said-no.

 

I always end up feeling bad and conflicted.

 

I've dealt w this in *every* relationship, so it must be me.

. . Sorta

[katrina1980]

reinvent, I'm not a guy but from what I've learned about men over the years, and from my brothers, when the woman needs more "space" than they do, it throws them off balance a bit as it's usually the guy who needs and desires more space.

 

The "norm" for most (or many) women is to want more togetherness! And push for it.

 

So when they enter into a relationship with such a woman (in this case you), it confuses them, they don't know what to make of it, or her, which might cause them to become anxious and insecure, which might manifest into needy, clingy.

 

Wanting more togetherness than they otherwise might had the women been the one to push for it.

 

I've experienced this with men as I *know* I need more "space" than the average woman does. I don't push for more time, or a RL, sort of just let things happen. Which is very atypical for many women.

 

And have had some men become insecure because of it, and as a result, they either start playing games OR become needy and clingy. Not sure what's worse!

 

For your part though, you advise women all the time to maintain strong boundaries so confused as to why you continue to acquiesce when clearly it's not something you wish to do.

 

Except for tonight of course, which is great except now you feel guilty!

 

I guess whats needed now (in my opinion) is to have an honest "sit down" and explain to him how you feel, what's comfortable for you, your overall nature re amount of time spent and togetherness.

 

Long overdue.

 

P.S It's strange, I often feel uncomfortable giving you advice as you've helped and guided me so much, clearly you are the "smarter" one when it comes to things like this.

 

But then again, it's often difficult to be objective about our own situations, but I suspect if another woman was posting this, you would give her the same or similar advice I just gave you.

 

Or maybe not!

 

In any event, enjoy your "girl's" weekend and try to not feel guilty about tonight or the weekend.

 

He is a grown man, I am sure he will be just fine tonight and while you're gone.

 

Have fun!

[reinventmyself]

I've learned to tell them up front about who I am and my need for space. But I think what happens is most men (or at least the ones I've dated) might not be being honest with themselves.

 

When faced with a woman who tells them that they're independent, they are not likely to admit they are not.

 

I am careful to see that they have friends and a full life if their own but that combined with my disclosure, I always seem to end up here anyway.

[Batya33]

I've learned to tell them up front about who I am and my need for space. But I think what happens is most men (or at least the ones I've dated) might not be being honest with themselves.

 

When faced with a woman who tells them that they're independent, they are not likely to admit they are not.

 

I am careful to see that they have friends and a full life if their own but that combined with my disclosure, I always seem to end up here anyway.

 

That's interesting. I wonder whether it's better to show independence through actions rather than say you are "independent" since it's subjective and also can have a connotation of "I don't need anyone" or "I a woman hear me roar" (you and I are from the generation of that song lol). Just musing, not sure at all. I do take the point that men say or think they want "independent" just like a lot of us are not always sure what we want once we get what we wished for!

 

Have a great weekend.

[katrina1980]

I've learned to tell them up front about who I am and my need for space. But I think what happens is most men (or at least the ones I've dated) might not be being honest with themselves.

 

When faced with a woman who tells them that they're independent, they are not likely to admit they are not.

 

I am careful to see that they have friends and a full life if their own but that combined with my disclosure, I always seem to end up here anyway.

 

That's great, so then why do "you" agree to spend more time when it's not something you always wish to do?

 

Great that last night you stood up for what you wanted and needed but you felt guilty, why?

 

I recall another time you posted you prefer driving to work "alone," that it's *your* quiet time and you need that. But then when he calls, you spent the entire time talking to him?

 

Then post you are frustrated by it! You said this happened often. Why? Why not explain driving to work is your quiet time? And that you will talk with him later?

 

It's a mixed message, your words (I am independent and need a certain amount of space) don't match your actions (agreeing to spend time with him when you don't always want to).

 

So now you have set up a pattern of how much time spent, any pull back now or deviation from that pattern is gonna confuse him, may cause insecurity; just like when women post about when their boyfriends deviate from a certain pattern already established.

 

I just don't get why you can't talk to him now, and explain. And then going forward from there, stay true to *yourself* and your own needs by NOT always agreeing to see him when you don't always want to.

 

Again, fabulous that last night you did stay true to your own needs, but as you said yourself you had "hit the wall with your tolerance level." You sounded frustrated that you had spent 5 out of 6 nights together, when you were the one who had agreed to it!

 

This is on you reinvent. You need a certain amount of space (which is fine!), then act like it and stop agreeing to what HE wants. As often as you do.

 

Best to try and find a healthy balance, that you are *both* comfortable with, consistently. So that you don't become frustrated, suffocated or whatever you're feeling and he doesn't become insecure.

 

JMO.

[reinventmyself]

I saw him the other night even tho I was exhausted because we won't see one another until next week.

And yes, I compromise because that's what you do in relationships if you have the desire to fulfill your partners needs.

It's just striking that balance so I'm not compromising myself while doing so.

That and this has been a slow build up. At 7 mos he is appearing to need more of me than he did in the early stages.

Again, people hiding who they really are until they are securely attached and then trying to change the rules.

I need to be fair that he's super excited and supportive for me about the trip I'm about to walk out of the door to go on (waiting for my ride) That's not something I'm used to.

[Jibralta]

I saw him the other night even tho I was exhausted because we won't see one another until next week.

And yes, I compromise because that's what you do in relationships if you have the desire to fulfill your partners needs.

It's just striking that balance so I'm not compromising myself while doing so.

That and this has been a slow build up. At 7 mos he is appearing to need more of me than he did in the early stages.

 

Practice makes perfect! Let him know how you're feeling when it's happening. Give him a chance to give you the space that you're asking for. When you allow your frustration to build up, it just makes you unhappy and worried.

 

Again, people hiding who they really are until they are securely attached and then trying to change the rules.

 

You go to the disaster scenario, like I do!

 

If you ask for space and he picks a fight, then you know there's a problem.

 

But he may have no qualms about giving you space. He could still have surprises after 7 months!

[Jibralta]

P.S. Enjoy your weekend!

[katrina1980]

Practice makes perfect! Let him know how you're feeling when it's happening. Give him a chance to give you the space that you're asking for. When you allow your frustration to build up, it just makes you unhappy and worried.

 

 

 

You go to the disaster scenario, like I do!

 

If you ask for space and he picks a fight, then you know there's a problem.

 

But he may have no qualms about giving you space. He could still have surprises after 7 months!

 

Agree with Jibralta. Give him a chance.

 

He enjoys spending time with you, so he *asks* for it, I dunno unless he is holding a gun to your head or something (apologies for the sarcasm), I see nothing at all wrong with him simply asking.

 

You have the "right" (hate that word but can't think of a better one right now) to say no, to tell him you're exhausted or need quiet time or whatever.

 

But you don't, instead you agree to see him but then seem to resent him later for even asking! And feel frustrated, suffocated, and suggest he is "changing the rules."

 

I am just gonna throw this out, but are you happy in this relationship? Cause call me crazy but it sometimes seems like you are trying to self-sabotage.

 

Perhaps you have your own rationale for why you do this, but to me it makes absolutely no sense to agree to something (like seeing him when you really need your lone time that night or while driving to work or whenever) but then turn around and feel frustrated, suffocated, and resentful later.

 

Compromise is great, I am all for it! And if seeing him on a night or nights when you are exhausted, need quiet time or just need space is what you choose to do, then own it, take responsibility for that choice. I assume he has not forced you.

 

I'm sorry, I just think it's wrong to make that choice, but then later feel frustrated and resentful for something *you* willingly chose to do.

 

Yeah balance. And what J suggested. Let him know how you're feeling while it's happening, don't let it build up. That is a major recipe for disaster!

 

Communicate. Give him a chance to understand you, your nature. In that moment.

 

He may just surprise you!

 

If not, well as J also said, that's a problem.

[reinventmyself]

I can't put my finger on it, but I am having a lot of anxiety the past couple days.

It's often about something I am ignoring or not dealing with.

 

Once I am in this cycle it's not easy to break.

I know I have not had much sleep lately, that definitely doesn't help.

 

I have some staffing issues at work and it will set me back as far as time off and some planned vacations and work projects on my home.

 

Two out of 3 contractors have let me down regarding my home projects, meanwhile I am having to plan and execute a construction project at work.

I planned it so the two wouldn't overlap, knowing it might overwhelm me. . and it has, overlapped and overwhelmed me.

 

Now coupled with staffing issues I have to push back my house projects.

In the meantime I have packed my entire kitchen and every time I need something I am digging around thru boxes in my dining room.

I have nothing on my radar as to when this can and will be completed. H*ll, do I put everything back?? The kitchen was to be completed before the bathrooms. Though I don't have a firm start date, the bathrooms are being gutting mid April. Add on top of that, I have a 4 day trip somewhere in the middle of all it. One would think I'd be good with this, seeing it's what I do for a living. But I am not. Not right now.

 

Since I went on the weekend trip with the girls, SL seems to have shifted a little. Though he has stayed over night Sunday and last night, he is reaching out less or my anxiety is causing me to feel insecure.

 

When I get this way I seriously just need to hunker down and shut out the world so it will pass. Difficult to do when you don't have the luxury and have to be away from home 11 to 12 hours a day.

 

I don't like myself very much when I get this way. Luckily I don't go here very often anymore.

It's not like a switch I can just turn off. uhg. . waiting for it to pass.

[reinventmyself]

It was a year ago today that SS and I broke up. In spite of there being so many things wrong with that relationship, I truly did love him and think about him every day. Not in the same way anymore and with no regrets. I was just one of the 3 times in my life I met someone I felt weak kneed about. Even if he was all wrong for me. I've finished along time ago processing the lessons to be learned by this. Well, for the most part.

 

SL and I are still doing really well. I don't have those weak kneed feelings for him.

I try to make sense of this, because those I have had that with were ultimately terrible choices.

 

The wobbly knees are replaced with a deep respect and comfort I have never really had. Going on 8 months and not one conflict between the two of us.

I am totally myself and I can say anything to him.

 

I laid awake last night and told myself it was officially time to close the door on the intrusive thoughts of SS that i allow to creep in.

Maybe my heart might open up more.