Another online daing journal

[IAmFCA]

I would say "It is fun to talk on the way in to work, and quiet time during my drive also is useful. Do you mind if I cut this conversation short, and we revisit it tonight?"

 

chances are IRL I would say only "I gotta go. I need to focus here."

 

then again, I am single.

[katrina1980]

I would say "It is fun to talk on the way in to work, and quiet time during my drive also is useful. Do you mind if I cut this conversation short, and we revisit it tonight?"

 

chances are IRL I would say only "I gotta go. I need to focus here."

 

then again, I am single.

 

Yeah I'm more the "can we talk later, talking while driving distracts me," which is actually the truth! This would have been said the first time he called me. Gotta nip it early, otherwise suspicions arise.

 

I really dislike talking on phone in general though too.

 

In Ca, it's actually against the law to text/talk on phone while driving. Even using earbuds is out.

 

Hefty ticket if caught!

[katrina1980]

BTW many states have instituted the "no text/talking on cell while driving" law, so reinvent if you live in one of those states (there are like 15 I think, maybe more) that could be an easy fix to 'that' situation.

 

Giving you a bit of lone time driving to/from work.

[reinventmyself]

In Ca, it's actually against the law to text/talk on phone while driving. Even using earbuds is out.

 

Hefty ticket if caught!

 

I have a phone built into my car. . Maybe I should break it :)

[katrina1980]

I have a phone built into my car. .

 

Sweet!

 

Maybe I should break it :)

 

I vote for simply asserting your boundaries, but whatever works!

[reinventmyself]

At the risk of sounding fickle. Things are great.

Rereading what I've written, it's no doubt I am a little fickle.

 

I do really struggle with time management and having so little free time, I can get a little grumpy about it. When I am tired, I can feel very put upon. My job has kind of ruined me and my tolerance in some ways. There's no way around it. It's made it difficult to maintain relationships.

 

I don't really have an answer for it all and unless I win the lottery, this is my life and I will have to just take it one day at a time.

 

SL and I just passed our 6 mo point and have not had one single misunderstanding or hiccup. That's somewhat uncanny for me. It's just about this time, at 6 mo's I start to see the cracks in foundation. I was driving to work thinking of this and actually feeling a little ashamed of my past experiences and choices. I felt ashamed of my participation in them too. I knew they were wrong and often times painful while in the middle of it. It was more apparent when I left. But being in the presence of someone like SL it's even more glaringly so. It's hard to explain.

 

I catch myself at times feeling the urge to create drama where there isn't any. But with SL, not only is it unnecessary but he's so kind, transparent and solid I catch myself in time and don't. The awareness is a wake up call. I am making no excuses. I guess it was just what I was accustomed to.

 

I can acknowledge when someone gets too close (like last week) I feel the urge stir up some drama just to create some space, instead of just asking for it.

 

To cut myself some slack, asking for space in my previous relationship was met with conflict. But I just need to push through and ask anyway. I can't worry about the backlash. If they have a problem with it, then they aren't for me.

[Jibralta]

I don't think you sound fickle. Emotions change with seemingly little rhyme or reason. Preferences change, too. Sometimes even when we don't want them to change, they do. I think the important thing is having a partner who is willing to be patient and understanding of your needs--even if they are temporary. Otherwise, what's the point?

 

Very glad to hear things are going well for you. SL seems like a cool cucumber.

[reinventmyself]

I don't think you sound fickle. Emotions change with seemingly little rhyme or reason. Preferences change, too. Sometimes even when we don't want them to change, they do. .

Thanks. . I was being a tiny bit hard on myself about it.

[reinventmyself]

I hate performance reviews. . .

[Batya33]

I hate performance reviews. . .

 

You mean at work? Me too. Just had mine - first annual one in over 8 years- i.e. at this new job, went well but I just feel self conscious even if the news is good, even if I know in advance all is well. Kind of like a dentist appointment.

 

Good luck! They are lucky to have you, I'm sure.

[reinventmyself]

You mean at work? Me too. Just had mine - first annual one in over 8 years- i.e. at this new job, went well but I just feel self conscious even if the news is good, even if I know in advance all is well. Kind of like a dentist appointment.

 

Good luck! They are lucky to have you, I'm sure.

 

. . I have to write them. I just finished them, under the wire. I feel punch drunk right now and goofed up the attachments in separate emails that I had to send to HR.

I just recalled a couple and redid them. They probably think I am ridiculous. It doesn't help that the person receiving them happens to be my bosses boss.

Oh well ;/

[Batya33]

. . I have to write them. I just finished them, under the wire. I feel punch drunk right now and goofed up the attachments in separate emails that I had to send to HR.

I just recalled a couple and redid them. They probably think I am ridiculous. It doesn't help that the person receiving them happens to be my bosses boss.

Oh well ;/

 

I think that's totally fine -I do sometimes chuckle at the recalled e-mails especially if the subject has to do with leftover food, etc. One time many years ago this poor woman recalled/resent her email to the entire company multiple times because of misspellings but she never corrected the (sports-related) word in her subject line. Too funny.

 

Anyway i've done it too with attachments but often my recall is unsuccessful. Good luck!

[Jibralta]

At my job, people would occasionally Reply-All to broadcast emails. Then there would be 20+ people Replying-All telling people to stop Replying-All. One time, someone named Gene Simmons Replied-All asking to be taken off the list. Pretty sure this wasn't the lead singer of KISS, but it took a lot of self discipline for me not to Reply-All with some stupid KISS-related comment, like "Holy crap! Gene Simmons works here??"

[reinventmyself]

SL is at a ski resort with his friend. They got a considerable amount of snow today so they stopped skiing around 1pm and went to a local bar.

They were there the night before and I got constant updates, and a phone call on my drive home (Nice, his choice, but he's not obligated)

 

Today a shift. Radio silence. Around 7pm I text him and I get a couple random texts. I can tell he's been drinking. Not an issue, he's an adult and I'm not his mom.

 

I got a 'frisky' text about an hour ago and in turn I asked him if they were ok. No response. I wait an hour and call. No answer.

 

It's likely they passed out but at the same time, we are in our 50's. Not teenagers. I don't need my man drunk texting me provocative things when he can't pick up the phone to talk.

 

Not sure how to handle this. I haven't been in this position in about 30 yrs.

 

I've always been the 'cool girl' and let things just like this roll off my back. But that hasn't necessarily served me well.

[Batya33]

Are you sure it wasn't one of his drinking buddies who texted you? I realize you didn't want/need space in this particular way but it's kind of ironic that you're sort of getting what you wished for.

 

I wouldn't like it either but if you raise it I'd be very specific -if you can't answer my call please don't text that kind of message -also makes me worry. It doesn't sound at all like you expected him to keep checking in with you and I don't want him to get that impression which is why I suggested it.

[katrina1980]

reinvent, frankly I'm trying to figure out what actually bothers you about it.

 

You know the man adores you, practically worships you, treats you like gold, literally.

 

He's having some "guy" time, they've had a few too many, and acted silly.

 

It's fun to get silly sometimes no matter how old we are!

 

I would consider this a "one off" and let it go.

 

As far as always being the "cool girl," which I can definitely relate to and have posted about it, that's only a problem when you're "cool" about behaviors that are considered red flags.

 

Do you consider this a red flag? I don't, but perhaps I'm missing something?

 

If it were me, I would "allow" him his guy time and if that means indulging in his drink a bit and getting silly, so be it.

 

If it becomes a pattern, address it then.

 

That's how I would handle anyway.

 

But if it really bothers you, then just communicate that to him, the way Batya suggested.

[reinventmyself]

I am still trying to sort out what part of bothers me. I guess it's because he does 90% of the reaching out. It's just the way it works for us. For me to take that chance twice and get no response bugged me. That and as I said before, I haven't had to deal with this kind of scenario in a few decades. (too drunk to call) He often goes hunting with his friends. I pretty much tell him to call me when he gets home. But on the off chance I did want to contact him, I know he would answer.

 

To Batya, it was him texting. I know that for fact because of the terminology he used. It's kind of his flirty code for certain things, I won't go into here:)

 

I did try him one more time before I went to bed and he answered trying to compose himself. Now I have another issue I need to figure out.

He shares his day and quickly volunteers he's had 2 beers?

 

First and foremost he doesn't need to report to me how much he had to drink. He's a grown man and I am not his mother. But if you are going to volunteer something, at least tell the truth. I told him that and he laughed at how ridiculous he must have sounded. His laughter so much as confirmed that he wasn't being honest and trying to hide the fact that he was tipsy. Honestly, I do not care. I might find myself in the same exact position tonight when I go out with my friends. I am not going to lie about it like a little kid who's going to get in trouble.

 

His last marriage ended for a lot of reasons. One of the being that she was always checking on him and acting like his mother. `Where we you, what did you do today, why didn't you do this' She would check his phone periodically and accuse him of things. I often catch him acting like a boy who has to fudge his timelines with me so as to not get in trouble. I've talked to him before about it and I think I'll let go of the fact that he didn't answer his phone and focus on that.

 

I sense sometimes when I merely ask him about his day, he gets nervous. He may have laid on the couch and did nothing. He's entitled and retired after all. But trying to start a conversation about benign things, like how was your day makes him defensive in a nervous way. I told him recently that I might stop asking him about his day because it seems to make him uncomfortable. He recites every nuance like he's being accountable for something.

What's supposed to be personal moment ends up feeling like an inquisition.

 

Just little things like that add up that make me nervous. He forgot a gift for his friends sons wedding. Instead of just admitting so to the family, he brought it up several times to me coming up with elaborate excuses why he didn't do it. Ultimately he told his friend that he found the gift card weeks later in the center counsel of his truck. How about you just tell them the truth? I have other stories like this, but you get the jest.

 

White lies are intended to spare another's feelings. These little lies are intended to save him from what he thinks will cause trouble. But trouble with who exactly?

Bedside's, he doesn't do anything remotely wrong. He's about as good as they get.

 

I don't want to get to the point where I am second guessing the information he's giving me and because of some recent incidences I can tell I will.

He sort of puts me in the position of being his mom and he my son? It's interesting because that seemed to be the dynamic in his last relationship.

I don't want that role. I raised two sons, I don't raise grown men.

[Batya33]

It depends on your values and standards. If you're fine with him having a guys night out that includes getting drunk then maybe clarify that with him -meaning he need not check in with you. And maybe decide not to check in with each other while he's out drinking -what's the point?

[reinventmyself]

It depends on your values and standards. If you're fine with him having a guys night out that includes getting drunk then maybe clarify that with him -meaning he need not check in with you. And maybe decide not to check in with each other while he's out drinking -what's the point?

Exactly . . . .

[Jibralta]

These little lies are intended to save him from what he thinks will cause trouble. But trouble with who exactly?

Bedside's, he doesn't do anything remotely wrong. He's about as good as they get.

 

I know a couple of people like this. One is a close relative who I love very much. The dishonesty bugs me, but since they are decent people overall and they take good care of their families, it's easy to overlook.

[reinventmyself]

Saturday night SL brought up something about his ex and feeling like a little kid always in trouble. I took advantage of the opportunity to say something about it. I don't know if I said it as well as I might have liked to and for that matter I can't even recall what I said. But I did tell him that he isn't accountable to me and he can/should do as he pleases. I am not sure how it was received either, he just got a little quiet.

I asked him later if I had said anything to upset him. He just said no and we left it alone.

[katrina1980]

Saturday night SL brought up something about his ex and feeling like a little kid always in trouble. I took advantage of the opportunity to say something about it. I don't know if I said it as well as I might have liked to and for that matter I can't even recall what I said.

 

But I did tell him that he isn't accountable to me and he can/should do as he pleases.

 

I am not sure how it was received either, he just got a little quiet.

 

I asked him later if I had said anything to upset him. He just said no and we left it alone.

 

My late mom used to tell me "it's not what you say, but how you say it."

 

I agree with her but in this case, and I can only speak for myself, if a serious boyfriend said that to me (and I assume you and SL are serious?), I would interpret that as meaning he doesn't give a *.

 

Especially the "you can do whatever you please" part.

 

That attitude sounds a bit apathetic reinvent, although I know you didn't intend for it to.

 

But that may be why he got quiet. My guess is he felt a bit hurt.

 

JMO though based on how I would react.

 

Again, JMO but when in a serious committed RL, isn't it natural to be accountable to each other, and to care what your partner does?

 

Not suffocatingly so, and allowing each other space is important, but to announce they don't need to be accountable to you at all, and can do as they please, again sounds a bit apathetic.

 

ETA: But since after you asked him if you had said anything to upset him, and he replied no, apparently he's cool with what you said, so yeah it was best to just leave it alone.

[katrina1980]

To add to last post (too late to edit), I think it's natural to be at least somewhat accountable to each other when in a committed RL, and to care what your partner does; what's important is that each of you know that you won't get "scolded" or negatively judged for it (assuming it's something you are not totally comfortable with like him drinking/partying with his friends).

 

I would never want my partner to feel that he didn't need to share with me what he does, I care/am interested in what he does, and would hope he cares and is interested in what I do as well. To me, that's what RLs are about, intimacy and sharing.

 

It sounds to me like he had a wife who treated him more like a misbehaved child than a husband, which would explain why he felt like a kid always in trouble.

[reinventmyself]

Especially the "you can do whatever you please" part.

 

That attitude sounds a bit apathetic reinvent, although I know you didn't intend for it to.

 

 

.

Taken out of context that how it may have sounded. But in the entirety of the conversation it wasn't the message and I don't think he heard that way.

I was specific about him not having to tell me how much he drank or if he enjoyed lounging for the day. .

 

Hope that explains it better.

It wasn't a global remark as you put it.

[katrina1980]

Taken out of context that how it may have sounded. But in the entirety of the conversation it wasn't the message and I don't think he heard that way.

I was specific about him not having to tell me how much he drank or if he enjoyed lounging for the day. .

 

Hope that explains it better.

It wasn't a global remark as you put it.

 

Yes it does, thanks.

 

And I figured there was more to the convo, cause I know you and you are definitely NOT an apathetic person and by the way you talk about him, it sounds like you care very much!

 

I hear you about him being an adult and not having to report to you.

 

I don't ever want my partner to feel that he needs to "report" to me either (like his prison warden or mother, lol), but at the same time, I do try to foster openness and honesty and that whatever he does choose to do (other than the obvious -> cheating and the like), will be accepted by me without judgment, or negative consequences.

 

I am not one to be telling my partner what he can and cannot do, as you said, he's an adult, but as I said I do encourage openness and honesty about such things.

 

That's just how I personally prefer to be in a RL, we all have our own styles, needs and preferences.